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Last friday i found out that i am about to have a baby. More than that , ut for the past two months now i have been carriing a new life in me. Made fro a night of farewell sex with some one that has been my off and on fuck buddy.

I told my friend and my mom at the same time, then i called my bub and told him about me being happy.

It wasn't until today that i stopped smiling as when he called me to ask if he could still fuck other ppl. And to tell me that after the baby's born that i could do the same.

And then he asked if my cousin was hot.

I wanted to snap him in the back of my mind.

Yet i know that stress and me aren't the best of friends and too much of it woulod make me lose the one thing i have been happy about in along time.

After hearing them down me all my life and thinking that i deserve it. Today after telling my uncle , who has been like my father about this and hearing them all call me a whore for getting knocked up.

I sat there with a smile, and told them that after all these years of hearing ppl in this family bad mouth the kids in this family because the felt like they where all had at the wrong time.

I sat there and thought i am not a teenage , i finished school. And i know how to find a job, after the baby is born.

So once they where finished and i told them that i knew what was going on. And the things i would face, because i grew up with it.

Seeing my father when he blew in to town, and hearing my mother cry at night over him after he left.

I know what i am dealing with and how it will affect me. Maybe when it's over i will come out of it with a clear head and the ppl in t his damn family will take me seriously.

* smirks and sighs*

At the same time, i know that a child camebe made with out love, it just takes some one person to let there gaurd down and the other to bust a nut lol

Then nine months later a baby.

* giggles*

I knew all my life i would never get married because there is no one out there who would marry me. Yet there have been plenty of guys would wanted to fuck me and after so many years of being lucky and not popping out a kid. I find myself happy- with a little life i get to be in charge of. That i get to show the ppl that thought i was crazy and who thought i had n o street smarts that i can raise a kid , who is smart enough to get through high school. Smart enough to get through college and maybe... just maybe get married to the person they love.

* crosses arms*

A smart beautiful assassin with the body of a goddess like her dear mother. lol who will get to see all the things i wanted to see and more.

My need for blood has gotten stronger, yet i have supressed it becuase i know if i feed here i will be linked here to this place.

I hate it here for this is where my nightmare began and if i don't break free of it - so will it end. And i would rather it end somewhere other than this place. This hell.

I may be a demon and many belived that all demons belong in hell, but not I .

I belong somewhere that is mine- and this place is not mine. It is where those before lost themselves in what other think of them and soon didn't wnat to leave.

And my dream of leaving this place is strong as ever and i know that i am close to my dream .

Which is why i know that also lurking out there are those that wish to see me fighting with all that i have in me to keep me here.

And the more that i stay here the more i seem to lose sight of what i want to do with my life. I get lost int he bullshit that people say is possible and not for someone like me.

* sighs*

I am nothing like them and will not be forces in to a mold that would make me as such.

i have gotten rid of my cold that i have had sent the september of last year. At the price of losing someone that i thought was speacial and my crazed little fuck buddy. All becuase they had been touched by me when i was still carrying this virus. NO, not swine flu but a stalker that wanted to be apart of me life anywat that he could be.

And to get rid of him i had to made them hate me as well. One i know is here, yet after awhile he will forget me. And i can only sigh as i watch him happy.

As with my fick buddy, who i can't reclaim until after this coming september when i know that the virus can never get near me or in my life ever again.

* sighs* How i miss my perfect bitting buddy, but i knew that it was only an on line love- still it was nice to talk to some one and not have them what just sex out of me.

* smirks wickedly* although the need to touch him was getting to me, i tried for several months to keep that feeling at bay. Yet it came out in me and soon after the virus became jealous and soon took him away from me as well.

To those that have no clue this virus is a person. Some one that infected my closet friends to get to me and be around me.Even go so far as to being around me when i need blood so that i feel off him . How sick and twisted can some one get to want that.

But still this person when that far and wanted to go further with the thought that i would want him in my bed.

How sickening it was to have this person around but i finnaly freed myself of this person.

* places pin down*

I am glad to be free, yet once again alone with a need to feed and no one to feed from.

Oh well.

the battle as finally oncem ore between my borther and i. I have posioned him and i am wating for his death.

He thinks that he has won, but has lost do to that fact.

Slowly it will take hold and i will be happy once more.

But i am always happy when i am here and away from stubborn and stupid black males.

And to those that read this, yes, yes i do have a lot of hatred towards all black males- when they say something stupid to me like try to date me or take something of mine.

So this is also a warning to all black males- NEVER CROSS MY PATH OR DIE.

today i finally got insurance on my so i can go to the doctor. For it as been a year since i have been to a doctor and i can't want to go because i need glasses . Well contacts becuase my face as gotten use to not holding up lens. .lol

Yet that is not the reall reason i am happy, it's because i have been putting that off along with a lot of other things because i was afraid i was going to exploded since i didn't have a job yet. But that is all gone now. Still there is one thing on my mind and i want to get it off before i think about it too long.

wish me luck

my brian won't leave me alone with it . This one thought keeps coming back to my mind. That i have to find him- him who ?

The evil that i once loved is gone. Lost his pwer when he seen what he trully was. And the man that i was meant to be with has long since left this world and the next one. I am lone with only his thoughts to come to me at the oddest moments.

* sighs* Yet there is something that is pulling me. No baiting me to follow it to what i don't know and i have decided to seat on my' ass and make it show itself to me.

And i hope soon before my life passes me by.

Ami so focused on a man that may not want me that i can feel his presents around me?

If that is so than why don't i just shake it off like all the rest that have some that type of intrest in me.

Welli guess that since he is my fuck buddy i find some thing in him that i like rather than just sex. * sighs* although i try to fight it but all the ppl that i have had sex with i have found something that i like in there personalities. And this is one is no different, yet i don't know what it is.

And before he left to go to see florida, i found out that he has slept with 14 other women besides me in the last two months. And i still had sex with him one last time before his trip. Then while he was getting lost getting there i helped him out and was going to help him out more if my friend had said yes to letting him stay with him until they came back up here.

* SIGHS* and then he thinks i love him and i am worried that this feeling that i have for him may just be that.

* lowers head* Luna help me if i get into another relationship where that ass hole of man lies to me.

i have this feeling all over my body that something is rather wrong. I don't know just what but it's making me sick tomy stomach. And usually when i have this feeling someone i know is in trouble. And my greatest fear right now it that the idiot who went to see forida is in trouble and can't get out.

* sighs*

I just hope that this feeling will fade and if this tention and pain isn't over him that who- i wonder could this striking pain in my body before.