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I found myself waking in the worse way,hearing a radio ad for stopping pregnate mothers from smoking and being around smokers.

I woke in a cold sweat as i opened my eyes to find i was laying on my stomach. I was in shock and horror from it all. I got up fast and waddled through the living room to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Drinking it, I sat down trying to shake the torture that would happen if i keep hanging around this new group of gamers that i know. They all smoke and, I know that it's bad for the baby. Yet i try to stay down wind of them so that after they smoke we can go and play the game. Only after a few weeks of thinking this and being around them as they smoke. I have been sick to my stomach and just stay away from them until my lungs and the baby feel better.

The thing that scared me the most is that i am supppose to go over their house which will possible be filled with some, and that would harm my baby.

I don't want that - the few weeks i was around them was harm enough and i just want to tell them that i don't want to be around them for fear of my baby's life.

Yet i feel that i would be mean if i said that after i told then i hung out with a lot of smokers.

Which is true, just never before was i pregnate, breathing for two people. When it was just me i was fine with it.

Now that it's not just me in this body, I don't want to hurt my kid.

*Sighs* I feel much better that i got that out of my mind.

why do I walk around with an open heart, like a wound that wants to heal but i take the same bloody knife and open it again and again. Hoping that those that slide themselves between my legs will look in side and see this is where they want to be. Yet it never happens that way, and i wander back into the darkness , leaving a trail of bloody tears to the place where I wait with by rusty balde.

Only one person ever looked in side and said those words, only to for me to come to see was a lie.

NOw close to bringing a new life into this world, I find my self chocking on my own feelings as i try to get the truth out of the baby's father about how he feels about me.

Only to hear waht i know is a way to shut me up and to stop me from asking questions of him and his heart.

After six months of knowing him. i finnaly get him to tell me that he likes me but doesn't want to get hurt again.

*sighs* he heard my story and the pain in the words as i tried to keep a straight face, and his the one that does want to get hurt?

But I have pushed so much more crap in to my open wound that its starting to fester and my body can't take that and carrying a child at the same time. Open of them has to go and I choose the pain . * stabs the knife deep in to the wound to clean it* Only every time i get the layers off, more seems to want in to keep me from feeling okay with my own thoughs- like i am allways wrong.

* shakes head* I want to fight the world once again, for i have done it before . In search of the one i could call my love, my heart , my mate my other half.

Only to end the search with a lie and pain.

And for that i say no damn more,

On the 4th this time last year i was wrapped in the arms of my ex, thinking that he loved me as much as i loved hm. It made my heart ache as i turned on some music and tried to blast this feeling away. Only to fall asleep and dream about my fuck buddy.

I laid on the couch in bliss to he woken up by his voice on the phone. I was happy until this morning i hear from my ex, who wants to know who knocked me up. I told him thinking that he was a friend because i was in bliss. Then i read the name and felt all the pain that i went through with him come back. Causing my heart to fall back to my stomach . And causing me to hold back tears. This caused my baby to start kicking me as i felt these emotions come back over me.

I was starting to feel guilty for him when he started to say stupid things like i was not over him. The pain he left me with shattered my already shattered heart. But i moved on with my life - feeling like a zombie and tried to feel it with sex and honest. And end up with being pregnate and happy, still trying to find out where i stand in my baby daddy's life. * sighs*

And to have to hear from the asshole that dumped me in a letter, say that about me- pissed me off and at the same time want to cry.

Talking about it helped me some, yet i can't stay to made i gave everypart of my magic to god to help him change his life for the better.

I didn't think he would rub in my face like all the rest.

* sighs again*