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I feel as though I walk in circles, in the darkness. Wether I am alone as I am now or even with those who make it feel as if I am alone. I walk , wearing out the soles of my shoes, seeking the one who carrys a torch that will light the fire in my heart. the one that will know when we look in each others eyes, that i would enter the depths of HELL for her, that there is nothing that could keep me from an inferno of love that would light the night sky for all eternity. I am tired of this chase, this quest I have been on all these years, especially hen those that have come through the doorway have been nothing but liars, decievers, false prophets, telling me what I wanted to hear for their own benefit at that time, why did they need to pass the time with me while always waiting and watching for what they thought was something better, In their minds the grass was to be greener somewhere else. So they came in and went out of my life, leaving nothing behind but sorrow, hate, anger, betrayal, and death. Every minute that ticks away on the clock jsut sends me deeper into a place where im not sure i dont want to be, maybe upon entering that doorway, my mind and heart will finally be at peace, the question that lingers in my mind,is wether or not someone will cross my path in time to stop this transgression into a dark hole from which there will be no return.......

I sit on my perch, above the street, as the wind blows I can smell you on my clothes from rolling around on the lawn with you. I close my eyes and the thought of you mixed with the scent brings a smile to my face. I touch my lips with my fingers and I can feel your lips pressed against mine, I can feel your hair brushing across my face. I feel as though if I stepped out into thin air I would float on the clouds of happiness you have brought into this dark world, you are what dreams are made of, and I hope that when i open my eyes you arent just a dream.....

This just gets better and better and better, the amount of torment I get, the amount of in your face shoved down your throat kicked in the ass torment. I am a contractor and I am siding a house in the middle of nowhere, a place where there is no reason to be unless, well you are doing something specific there. it is not a place for sightseeing and f*n joyrides. so here it is, i take the guys working for me to go to lunch, we stop at the red light and holy shit, across the street at the same red light is my f*n ex and her new "clone of me" boy toy. there is no way in hell that she was privy to where I was working as to show up intentionally....soi want to know why has this shitty path I am on felt the need to constantly beat me up and walk all over me...I am so out of sorts right now, so distressed, so distraught, all I can do is shake my head, and wipe away a tear...

And so it persists this angry, nasty, knife wound that has pierced my heart, it just festers, and by probably no fault of my own. Everywhere I go, in this dark place I have been crammed into, is a memory of what crushed me, and to make matters worse, what was not liked about me or so she said is now basically everything she has newly found, I cant win for losing . What is funny is that what was stated was that freedom was what was needed, no relationship, no ties, and all of a sudden its puppy love........I snicker for the next victim knows not what lies in wait as her viscious cycle that she is dependent on begins yet again....but the question is why does this bother me so........shes not doing it again to me...or is she as she has pick a clone.........and it should not bother me as the path i am on i seek a true heart....maybe although not different it is as i am not tipping over dominos until i find one that suits me for the moment....i seek a walk to death many years down this bumpy road......(I exhaust all breath in me, lower my head and shake it back and forth)........I am so tired of actually being so tired......but what is the use of complaining as there is no one listening......so even though very little, it helps to write whats in my dark heart and clouded mind........

Ok get this, even when I am introduced to someone, I am stabbed in the heart from behind. I did work , as I am a contractor for a client. He in turn states that he thinks I should meet his daughter. As I am looking for someone I agree. We have some chemistry, and for once in a long time I sleep at night,no bad dreams. I took this as a good thing. We then make plans to see each other again, and do. Then upon return to her home, her father is there, and is now doing a jeckly/hyde act. Screaming at me and her, on her front lawn as if we were teenagres in highschool,out past curfew. This I do not need, so i leave. I am then called later, and told by her that she called the police on him. The next day she ask if Id see her so she could explain. I agree, we part company, and several hours later she calls telling me that he went over to her house, forced his way in and was shoving her around. She asked me to meet her at the police station as she was filing for an order of protection. Stupid me, I agree yet again. Then he calls my partner and states that she is mentally unstable not him, and that I need to watch me back from both. I am now returning to the darkness from which I came,as I am so tired of bullshit. Is there not someone out there who is truly looking for what I have to offer, and whose heart is as mine is....this is all a game that I care not play in, I am to tired, to depressed....to overwhelmed.........I wish just once, when the door opened and someone walked through it that it was for real....just once......is that really to much to ask for....some happiness.......some peace.......

I have a lopt to add, but right now im sidetracked with a few issues....I shall return to the darkness soon....

2 days ago I thought the winds had shifted and it might be smooth sailing, but then tonight a storm gathered and blew the wind from the sails.I am perplexed, as to why neptune granted me a session in court only to circumvent the intentions of the court. WHATEVA........At least I was able to sleep last night...gues 1 out of 365 isnt bad.

I cant deal with this anymore, everywhere I go she is there, everywhere I look, she is there, I close my eyes and she is there,I dream and she is there,I hear a song, see a show, see a sign and she is there, what is this path that tortures me like this, day in and day out.Is it not enough that she crushed my heart but now I must be reminded of it everyday. I was asked to venture elswhere, so I do and my satan if she is not there, I am asked to be someones friend and my satan if she is not one also......i am losing my mind, this is driving me to the edge of the edge i am already on. I can not deal with this any longer, I seriously do not want to wake up tomorrow, I can feel the cold steel on my wrist, the taught rope on my neck, the pills filling my throat, the barrel against my skull,i can see the ground below as i walk the wall so high above the street. I cant handle this any longer............

It was a rough night,didnt get much sleep as the haunting specter returned full force.Why are some moments unbearable. What is this problem I have that i can not forget,can not dismiss...can not move forward. Why are my wheels spinning. What is this hold that continues to torment me, why does it matter to me, why doIi care what she is doing, we are no longer and never will be together again,nothing I do works to erase her....I am floundering, wallowing in the muck,drowning in falseness dying a little more every day. I am in need of help, desperate for a new dream, wanting for someone or something to crash into my head and give me hope, reason to go on.......arggghhhhhhhh