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I feel so useless and utterly worthless. This feeling just washed over me like a tidal wave of emotion that threatened to drown me and sweep me away. It's one of those times where I want to surround myself with people so that I don't do anything stupid. I don't want to go through all that shit again, but I can't seem to dig myself out of this hole that I'm mired so deeply in.



I don't know where to turn with this emotion bottled up inside me. I think I may go for a long walk tonight, just to get my thoughts out. Perhaps taking a notebook along with me to record my thoughts and such. Too bad that there isn't anything to take a picture of around here. I could go to the mall and record the consumerism, but I think it may be too dark, and I don't want to be lugging my tripod around with me. Not too fun.



Sometimes, I just want to disappear completely, but that hasn't happened, no matter how hard I wish or scream for it. I want to stop my medication because it fucks with me, and I don't think that it helps. But we have a prescription, so I have to.



This house is so empty, and my thoughts are so tempting. I just want to end it so badly right now. I'm happy with three things in my life: Josh, Hannah, and Aaron.



Josh, he's so wonderful. I could never ask for more even if I wanted to. He's the best thing to happen to me, and I love him with all my heart simply because he's so sweet and understanding. I even like his mom, as odd as that is.



Hannah, my little sister, my pride and joy. She's so adorable and growing up so fast... It's hard to believe. I hate it that I can't be there to watch it all the time. Lord, do I love that little girl.



Aaron, my little brother, and the newest addition to the clan. So small, and so defenseless. Even though I met him for a mere week, I still love him with all my heart. I only wish I could be there to see him grow.



All three that I care for the most are far away from me. It's hard. It's hard to keep my foundation strong when it's so fucking far away. It's like protecting a safe from across the globe. It can't be done single handedly.



I'm falling apart at the seams, and I can't sew myself back together. I think that I'm falling and I can't get up. I'm in the pit with no way out. And I'm screaming for someone to save me.