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I think I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing because I listen to my anxiety more than I should. It is supposed to keep me safe but instead, it keeps me from moving. The fact that I am in school at all is sometimes unbelievable to me. I spent so many years shutting myself away.

But I never know who to trust, or what to trust. Do people say what they mean? Do they understand what I mean? Is it because I rely too much on my words? Do words mean anything with no real intent behind them? Friends who say they'll be here. Absent when the darkness comes. And no one believes when I tell them it's coming. It's here. So many times when help was offered and there was either no follow-through or only a partial one, which can make things worse. So, I have learned to do without. Without enough companionship, without a certain kind of love, without a time to just be. And I just keep going.

Do I think too much?

I was enjoying the late afternoon and early evening just sitting on campus. I was there late because a friend had offered to take me home after her class, which was supposed to end at 7:00. I decided to try to catch up on reading, and I started in the student center with a late lunch (my class ended at 1:50), then I went outside to walk to another building because I was getting sleepy while reading. (I didn't sleep well again last night.) Then, I talked with the ladies in the office there for a few minutes, then I went outside and found the benches by another building where I used to sit during my first semester on campus to eat a sandwich in the mornings. I sat and read for awhile, then my mind just drifted off the page, and I found myself looking and listening, smelling, and feeling--just being. I had not been able to in so long--to just sit where I'm relatively anonymous (no neighbors to come over to me) and enjoy the changing of the light, the light breeze, the coolness of the air. A perfect evening. I realized in the midst of enjoying it, I had missed it. And I was a little sad because I won't be able to do it again for a long time. I usually feel guilt, or a sense or urgency-- hurry up, get to the next place, hurry and catch the bus, shouldn't you be DOING something?--but I think my tired brain edited that out, for once.

Once again, I have too many thoughts and feelings about too many things, and I am not expressing them clearly. But sometimes that is all I can manage.

I'm just lonely and tired and worried, and it was nice to not feel those things for a short time.

Oh my gosh! I finally finished the paper! (Well, the first section that was due, anyway). It feels like my brain was constipated and I finally got it out. What a relief! Ugh. It's very late and short one page, but whatever.

But I can't just celebrate and go right to bed. I am behind in my other classes and need to look over a powerpoint for linguistics so I can take a quiz on it tomorrow, and we're doing a practice case study for Intercultural Communication that I need to go over and write something out for.

I hate anxiety. I could've had this done several days, maybe even a week, ago if not for the brainlock caused by that and lack of sleep. I was running on empty. I hope this is the worst of it, even though I know I have many more projects coming up, including the group work, which I am not a big fan of. Oh well.

I keep having to learn lessons that aren't necessarily the ones we're learning in class. Like--I have got to prioritize.