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My brother died. My cousin tried to call but I was going to bed so I ignored it. I needed to sleep so I could work tonight. Then she texted, "Call me when you get this message." I had a feeling it was going to be about my brother, but there was nothing I could do about it anyway, so I thought I would put off finding out until I slept. I woke to another text: "It's important." That's when I knew she was going to tell me Bobby died.

I called. She said she had bad news. She told me Bobby died. I told her that I knew she was going to say that.

I have been sort of expecting this call for awhile now--ever since I last talked to him. I expected to be told that he had committed suicide at some point, but he actually didn't. My uncle found him in the bathtub. He'd been there about a week. He'd gone to check on him because he hadn't heard from him in awhile, and he usually talked to him a lot.

I stopped calling a few years ago. He didn't seem that thrilled to hear from me and he never made an effort to try to keep in touch with me. I thought about calling him recently but I just didn't. It always hurt too much to talk to him. So I feel guilty about not calling, but at the same time, I know it wouldn't have done any good.

And now, I am the last surviving member of my immediate family.

And I'm sad.

I wish things could have been different between us.

COMMENTS

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ReaperSoulMate
04:03 Nov 26 2019

me and my cousin haven't talked in 3 years I know what it's like to feel like that just know they are in a good place I hope you get better emotionally if you need anyone to talk to I will be here for you even though we don't know each other I know what it's like in the situation you are in.~Reaper.

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EmberMoon
06:45 Nov 26 2019

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother, it's so hard to lose a sibling. I lost my brother 8 years ago, it's hard not to feel the what-ifs and the one last chance stuff going through your had, there isn't anything you could have done to change the outcome. If you need to talk please contact me anytime.

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Vampireking777
10:02 Dec 31 2019

Sorry to hear that I had many people die in my family it has very been the same

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POST COMMENT

What the heck happened? I started a new job (on overnights), then time passed, and I didn't talk much to most of my friends, but I was starting to think things were going to get better, at least financially.

Then, the night of the 14th of October, I had what felt like what my doctor said was an esophageal spasm (at least, it felt like the pain I had before that he labeled as that--and maybe it was), which let up only briefly, then continued all night while I was at work. It lasted into the next morning, then afternoon. Then, while I was still hoping it would go away, and I was lying in bed, I took a deep breath--and it felt like someone stabbed me. Then I started vomiting. That's when I knew I needed to go to the hospital. I called my friend and she came and got me but I had to wait another 40 minutes before she could get to me because she lives in the next city over and had to stop to get something for her kid on the way. (Even though I was in a lot of pain, I don't think either one of us realized how serious it was.)

In the emergency room, I received morphine for the pain. I had never had morphine before. It did get rid of the pain. Yayy.

They ran some tests and did an ultrasound. My liver enzymes were extremely elevated. Why? I had a 7mm gallstone blocking the main bile duct to the liver. They told me, at first, that I had to have surgery that night but they actually didn't schedule me for surgery until 7:00 the next morning. They told me the stone had to come out, and possibly the gallbladder.

So, I had two surgeons. One removed the stone and cleared the sludge out of the bile duct, and the other removed the gallbladder.

At first, the nurses were saying I could return to "light duty" at work in five days. Hahahahaha! Very funny-- I couldn't even stand for more than two minutes, so how was that going to work? I ended up going back on "restricted duty" November 4th. And I still don't have my stamina back. I'm trying to be cautious--I don't want to make myself worse. Especially since, in addition to recovering from the surgery, I made my carpal tunnel syndrome symptoms worse and got tennis elbow while in the hospital. How did that happen? I could not use my abdominal muscles to lift myself, roll over, or shift myself around, and my left arm, then hand, had an IV in it, which meant I couldn't do much to move myself with that arm, so I HEAVED myself up with my right arm with a tiny bit of help from my left elbow. Every time I needed to move or get up. So now I have to heal from that too. Yayy.

The night after I was released, My friend said she didn't like how I was breathing, and she took me to a second ER. My oxygen, which the first hospital had stopped monitoring a couple hours after surgery, was at 84% and lower. So they put me on oxygen and sent the oxygen delivery guy to my friend's house, since that is where I was going to be staying. (I'm not on it now, though.) Then I went to another ER the next night because my legs and feet were severely swollen, and I had been told to come in if that happened because it could mean a blood clot. It wasn't a blood clot. It was all the extra fluid that had been pumped into me at the hospitals. But I got an ultrasound of my blood vessels, I got x-rays, and I got a CAT scan. (I'd never had one of those before).

I really don't want to have to see any doctors again for awhile, but I know I will have to anyway. They want to do a sleep study. They think I probably have sleep apnea. Oh joy.

I have been staying with friends. I am glad they have helped.

I had one short paycheck and this next one will be as well.

This has made me realize that I need to take care of some things that I just wasn't dealing with yet, and to try to find help. I hope I can get somewhere with that.

And I hope I can stay well and get my fricken property tax paid, for crying out loud! Geez! Can I just get out of one hole before I fall in another? Pleeease?


I'm sick of this shit.