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Seems I have some decisions to make. I can't seem to find the breath to take that final step. Everytime I line things up I find guilt too. Am I just suppose to wait and hope?



There's him and there's her...



In the end will I have a choice to make?



My heart has room for them both but I dont think he will accept her...



He's making it so I want to walk away



She's my candle in the night..



It seems lately she means more to me than he does because he is putting me through hell.... I love him but I cant rely on love to keep me with him forever... Right now its only love and maybe a laugh sometimes... A kind word too.



He won't seem to get a job.... he just stops all of a sudden or doesn't try to start at all.... Ive tried to help him and then give him space and neither have worked...



I love her.... there are no exceptions to that.. She is everything I am hoping for in this life.... at this time.... She wants more out of life like I do..



She is trying not only for herself but for me as well....



Her and I have never touched... Never shared a kiss or even a caress.... But I feel a need for her... A yearning that stirs inside...



Her and I laugh... we smile... we talk and love...



With him I do these things too but they almost seem forced as of late... His words cut me to pieces...



He tries to control me... put me in my place as he says sometimes... Claiming I don't care about him more and more... There is a gentler side to him.... I knew it more intimately long ago... But it fades each time he tells me Im a bitch or says he wants to kill me...



She tries her best to never get mad... We may be apart but from expierence I know that anyone can get mad at you no matter how far away you are....



She worries about me with him... afraid he will hurt me or worse... like my first boyfriend did...



I can see it in his eyes sometimes... the look or need to harm me....



But also there are those times when we are the best Ive ever seen us.... laughing and loving and wanting more out of life...



Then it fades once he realizes that he will have to leave the comfort he has built around himself....



What is one to do? Think? Go insane?



I could have them both in the future... but because he feels threatened... he isn't as accepting....



He said he wanted a third... A lady... and I agreed... I have her ready to come be with us and yet he ignores her...



He even ignores advances I have been trying to set up for him and I.... Like getting a car and going to college....



She wants to give him a chance and I love her even more for that. I pray she doesn't force herself and she says she never will...



In the end I sit here in the dark thinking of how I can make up my mind before time begins to truly takes a toll on me....