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There is a song I always have liked where the words start off: "I walk a lonely road" and I think of myself right now. There is so much activity in my house but yet it is such a lonely place for me. I say I want to be alone but really do I? Do I need to be alone in the state of mind that I have right now? My therapist will tell me to keep active to keep my mind busy but in this small town I live there is not much to make my mind busy. To get to a busier town you have to drive over a hour to get there and then it is just a mist in the distance. How can an animal have the much of an effect on my heart. I have loved men and lost men and my heart didn't bleed as much as it does now. Can anyone help me? Will this void ever be filled. Will the spirit come and visit me?

I see his image in certain rooms and cry, I go to my room and his scent is still lingering, I hid in my bed and his hair is still tickling my nose, I still call him to bed and can see him backing up to jump on the bed.

am I going crazy talking about a pet like this? Am I loosing my mind because I cared for him so much?

I love him so much and hurt so badly, but I know he is now able to run and jump with no pain. I was selfish to keep him through the pain longer than he needed to be. One day I will see him again I know he will meet me at the gates so I should be happy, but the sadness over takes me.

I had to put my fur baby down 2 days ago. I felt his spirit happy and alive around me after it happened. Today I feel nothing and I sit and cry. I just want to hold him to see him to kiss him. I hate that I can not be with him. To me he was still a puppy at the age of 6 but I did not have 20 grand for hip surgery for him and I feel as though I failed my little man. He was mine. I have my other baby but the love for each is different. The personalities of each is not the same. Jasper was my protector he was the grandkids protector he talked to us he herded us and he gave us all love and cuddles. Titus is my goof ball he chases us and talks to us and when he wants it he cuddles us. Jasper is missed so much I wish I could talk to him. I wish I was a pet medium and communicate with him to tell him I am sorry and that I love and miss him. Sorry this is not vampire related but i needed to write this somewhere even if no one reads it

The days run into each other, I am never sure what day of the week it is anymore. I am restless and so irritable most times. I need my time by the ocean but there is not one close. I picture the waves hitting the sand, the whiteness of the water right before it goes down and runs back towards where it once came only for the next set to come in. The sun is almost setting, the redness in the sky is soothing and so beautiful and yet the moon is behind me waiting to shine in its glory. I lay back in my imagination seeing the smile I have on feeling the calmness overcome me. Wanting to feel that peace again, but, not sure how to find it.

I awaken from the peace to hearing my dog chasing one of the cats in a fury like he is a hungry wild animal on the hunt for its prey. The grandkids yelling and screaming because one of them is not getting their way. The TV on a game that more kids are fighting over. More barking from the other dogs because someone walked by the house. I am hungry, I want to play, they are not sharing, they stole the toy from me. Even with my heart racing, my mind scattered, my hands shaking, my voice trembling, through all of this I still have a smile.

Is there a mute button, a spell, a channel changer? Would I want any of this to change?

What are our intentions on this Earth? Why were we put here? What exsists and what doesn't? I believe in them, us, and you. I hold onto what I believe is real.

I found you by accident. Is this real or just a thing? What is to become of it? Am I ready? Are you ready? Prepared for it all? I am to old for games, to old for change, to old to be hurt again. I move slow now, not to fast yet. A year, maybe two, I do not know. How similar are we besides in the bedroom? Can you handle all of me, not just me, but what comes with me? Can I handle you and what comes with you? Will there be an understanding? Will our beliefs combine? Will we think each other crazy for our beliefs?

My head hurts from thinking. I need to lay here. Who do I ask? Who do I talk to? Oh so many questions going through my mind.

thank you for reading my confusion....