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i am alone tonight...

the man had to work during the 'maintenance window'

so i am all by my lonsomeness



i hate being alone at night

even surrounded by three large dogs i am still a child scared of the dark



well not really the dark and not exactly scared

just uneasy



i just don't like being alone at night



so the rave, my animals and the television will help me feel not-so-by-myself for a little while



and then i will sleep in the early morning hours so i can stay with the 'fowl spotted' kid tomorrow afternoon

the past comes and sits with me

it wakes me up and i toss and turn with it until i give in and let it all replay in my mind

sitting in the shadows that crawl over me like insects...



i recall the soiled and disgusting thing i was



the things i was to nearly everyone around me... has that really changed? or have i just grown do inverted i do not see it any longer.

i do not meet anyone's gaze and often those who walk beside me get lost in the glare when i blind myself to what surrounds me

i grow my own personal sun and stand in it's shadow



can't see me.... i won't let you

and if you glimpse what is there, i won't notice.

better move along



it's a protection..

you did it to me.. every single one of you

but still, you are not blameless.. i was the one who was desperate in my desire to belong, to meet souls who were mirrors of my own

and yet, while i thought you were...

you were not. because if you were as loyal and as honest as i believed we all were.... i wouldn't be wondering where you were and if what i remember was reality or something i crafted in my dreams to endear you to my heart.



some of you... i miss you

we parted on bad terms or we just drifted along different streams to strange seas and oceans

or we forged tools in iron that shaped our features out of mountains and brought us different treasures



i was never anything desirable beyond friendship or to reflect your beauty brighter, to show you how special you were and i assume still are.

but i did it with all my heart out of affection and admiration

i loved you, perhaps not in the way you think, but it was love of a simple type



the inside never reflected the outside as it was painfully pointed out to me time and time again

i appreciate the honesty and truth, but the ugly thing i am still longs to be something gorgeous

there is a vanity in me that will never be satisfied

so i am withdrawn and pathetic

someone who fears to reach out, to be anything more than the frightened horrible thing in the corner

because rejection shapes us as much as acceptance

because i allowed myself to believe what others told me once

because now i refuse to believe anything anyone tells me

because i see myself through crap covered glasses more often that not



and so my dreams and my imagination and my inner being mean so much more than what you tell me i am and what i can be



inside i can be everything i am not, everything i should have been had i just been...

different



then i wouldn't have been me at all

and where would we have been?



maybe it's better this way, for i still look upon your images, i still smile with your memories

even though you damaged me, each in your own very special way



i almost wish we could meet again someday.

but then...

no i do not.

COMMENTS

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ladySnowStrixx
17:11 Feb 17 2009

maybe you need to apologize to the person and to yourself.

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POST COMMENT

for nearly 29 years he's been forced to stalk through the woods killing all the young irresponsible people who mirror the flaky individuals who were responsible for his death.

his mother first took up his cause in 1980 but she ultimately failed, so he's been forced to take up the murders of teenagers who just want to screw around.



every time we think he's done, but no... he always comes back. there's always one more person who needs killing.

we sent him to Manhattan and then to hell ( although some may claim that redundant) and i thought he could finally rest...

but no, then he had to combat that guy in the striped sweater

and i thought surely he has conquered his demons and could forever sleep.



but it wasn't to be so... he's back to his old stomping grounds this friday

and i feel sorry for the hockey mask wearing machete wielding slasher...



all he wants to do is cuddle with his teddy bear

why can't we let him rest in peace?

sometimes i feel i must have a super powered, mutated, combative, grossly underestimated strain of this disease...

that it's grown into this unconquerable nemesis



i'm left weakened by my own personal Achilles' heel, and it knows it... it's smarter than i am, or more educated about my body than i am.

which makes sense as i'm fairly certain my body is sleeping with the enemy, acting as a double agent, giving information and secrets to the force behind the Nothing.



i make comparisons and analogies that make me smile to myself but i feel defeated.

i had such high hopes (steps taken forwards but sleepwalking back again... dragged by the force of some inner tide)

but everyday i grow more and more frustrated

i wonder, will ANYTHING make it better?



i'm not sure what else i can be doing to improve my situation.

as soon as i finally get some down time something comes and disrupts it again.

i'm going to be quite busy this month with a wedding later in the month and some projects for the school district that have come up rather suddenly in the weeks prior.



so once again my time will be limited online.

today i am starting a survey for a news article for my house so all the time i get on the rave will be devoted to that... once again my dear database will have to take a back burner for a while...

which my source of funds will actually appreciate because i won't have much time for the 'i wants' for a while



and then maybe i can rest for a while again