Ingredients:
DRESSING MIX
15 saltines
2 cups dried minced parsley flakes
1/2 cup dried minced onion
2 tablespoons dried dill weed
1/4 cup onion salt
1/4 cup garlic salt
1/4 cup onion powder
1/4 cup garlic powder
SALAD DRESSING
1 tablespoon Dressing Mix -- from the above
1 cup mayonnaise
1 cup buttermilk
Cooking Directions:
Put crackers through blender on high speed until powdered.
Add parsley, minced onions, and dill weed.
Blend again until powdered.
Dump into bowl.
Stir in onion salt, garlic salt, onion powder, and garlic powder.
Put into container with tight-fitting lid.
Store dry mix at room temperature for 1 year.
Makes 42 one-tablespoon servings.
To use mix -- Combine mix, mayonnaise, and buttermilk.
Makes 1 pint of dressing
Ingredients:
2 Vidalia onions
2 cups flour
2 cups fine cracker crumbs
2 cups white corn meal
2 cups buttermilk
1 cups water
4 cups Crisco oil -- (or enough for your personal fryer)
Cooking Directions:
Slice onions 1/2-inch thick
Do not use the very small rings, save those for chopped onions.
Add buttermilk and water in a large bowl.
Coat rings one at a time with buttermilk
Add flour to bowl
Now gently dip the same ring into buttermilk again, and then coat with corn meal.
Fry in hot oil until golden
Drain using paper towels.
Ingredients:
1 1/2 pounds thigh meat or dark meat -- cut bite size chunks
2 tablespoons teriyaki sauce
1/2 teaspoons worcestershire sauce
1/2 teaspoons garlic salt
1/2 teaspoons ginger powder
3 tablespoons brown sugar
1 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 cup white grape juice
1/2 cup bourbon
1/4 cup water
Cooking Directions:
Mix teriyaki sauce, worcestershire sauce, garlic salt, ginger, brown sugar, 1/2 cup white grape juice and bourbon.
Stir until thoroughly blended.
Pour 1/3 sauce on chicken pieces and mix.
Refrigerate for 3 hours or overnight.
Refrigerate leftover sauce.
Braise chicken with marinade on medium-low heat until cooked.
Remove from frying pan.
In a 2-quart sauce pan heat remainder of bourbon sauce and add 1/2 cup of white grape juice and 1 tablespoon of sugar with 1/4 cup water.
Bring to a simmer and stir until sugar is disolved.
Add chicken to sauce and stir until chicken is coated and ready to serve.
Ingredients:
28 ounces chicken broth
1/2 teaspoon onion powder
1 tablespoon chicken bouillon powder
2/3 cup Bisquick
Cooking Directions:
In blender, combine broth, onion powder, bouillon powder and Bisquick.
Blend at high speed, about 1/2 minute or until smooth.
Pour into saucepan and stir constantly over medium-high heat for 4 or 5 minutes until it comes to a boil, is smooth and has thickened a bit.
Serve immediately.
You can store this in the freezer for up to 4 months.
Ingredients:
1 1/2 pounds thigh meat or dark meat -- cut bite size chunks
2 tablespoons teriyaki sauce
1/2 teaspoons worcestershire sauce
1/2 teaspoons garlic salt
1/2 teaspoons ginger powder
3 tablespoons brown sugar
1 tablespoons granulated sugar
1 cup white grape juice
1/2 cup bourbon
1/4 cup water
Cooking Directions:
Mix teriyaki sauce, worcestershire sauce, garlic salt, ginger, brown sugar, 1/2 cup white grape juice and bourbon.
Stir until thoroughly blended.
Pour 1/3 sauce on chicken pieces and mix.
Refrigerate for 3 hours or overnight.
Refrigerate leftover sauce.
Braise chicken with marinade on medium-low heat until cooked.
Remove from frying pan.
In a 2-quart sauce pan heat remainder of bourbon sauce and add 1/2 cup of white grape juice and 1 tablespoon of sugar with 1/4 cup water.
Bring to a simmer and stir until sugar is disolved.
Add chicken to sauce and stir until chicken is coated and ready to serve.
Ingredients:
Vegetable oil -- for frying
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup Crystal Louisiana Hot Sauce
1 dash ground pepper
1 dash garlic powder
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon paprika
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon salt
10 chicken wing pieces
Blue cheese dressing
Celery sticks
Cooking Directions:
Heat oil in a deep fryer to 375 degrees.
You want just enough oil to cover the wings entirely -- an inch or so deep at least.
Combine the butter, hot sauce, ground pepper, and garlic powder in a small saucepan over low heat.
Heat until the butter is melted and the ingredients are well-blended.
Combine the flour, paprika, cayenne powder, and salt in a small bowl.
If the wings are frozen, be sure to defrost and dry them.
Put the wings in a large bowl and sprinkle the flour mixture over them, coating each wing evenly.
Put the wings in the refrigerator 60 to 90 minutes.
This will help the breading to stick to the wings when fried.
Put all the wings in the hot oil and fry 10 to 15 minutes or until some parts of the wings begin to turn dark brown.
Remove from the oil to a paper towel to drain.
Don't let them sit too long, because you want to serve them hot.
Quickly put the wings in a large bowl.
Add the hot sauce and stir, coating all of the wings evenly.
Serve with blue cheese dressing and celery sticks on the side.
Ingredients:
FOR BEEF AND STEAKS
1/2 cup ketchup
2/3 cup tomato juice
1/4 cup red wine or purple grape juice
1 dash Worcestershire sauce
FOR CHICKEN OR PORK
1/2 cup soy sauce
1/2 cup pineapple juice
1/4 cup white wine or white grape juice
Cooking Directions:
Mix ingredients for each marinade.
Use mixture to marinate steaks, chicken or pork for up to 24 hours in the refrigerator.
This marinade starts with a good quality ale and adds some seasonings for a delicious steak just like you get at popular restaurants
ingredients
1 cup good quality ale
2 teaspoons light brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon seasoned salt
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
directions
Marinate steak in the ale in a zip-top bag or plastic container for one hour in the refrigerator. Do not marinate overnight.
Combine the brown sugar, salt, and pepper in a small bowl until well blended.
Remove the steak from the marinade and rub the brown sugar mixture on both sides. Place on waxed paper and return to refrigerator for 30-60 minutes.
To Cook: Heat a cast iron skillet, grill pan, or outdoor grill to medium high heat (greasing as needed).
Cook steak to desired doneness.
TOTAL TIME
25mins
PREP 5 MINS
COOK 20 MINS
This is Applebee's famous Bourbon Street Steak.
INGREDIENTS Nutrition
SERVINGS 2 UNITS US
2 beef tenderloin steaks, 11/2 inch thick
2 tablespoons Bourbon
2 tablespoons brown sugar
1⁄4 teaspoon fresh ground black pepper
salt
DIRECTIONS
Combine bourbon, brown sugar, salt, and pepper over steaks.
Preheat grill.
Place steaks on grill and cook for 13 minutes for rare, 17 for medium or 20 for well done, turning once during cooking.
ingredients
1 1/2 pound large raw shrimp
Batter
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup cornstarch
1 tablespoon salt
1/2 tablespoon white pepper
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 cup ice water
oil, for deep frying
2 cups short shredded coconut
Dipping Sauce
1/2 cup orange marmalade
1/4 cup Grey Poupon country mustard
1/4 cup honey
4 drops Tabasco sauce
directions
Peel, devein and wash shrimp. Dry well on paper towels. Set aside.
In a bowl, mix all dry ingredients for batter. Add 2 Tbsp oil and ice water. Stir to blend.
To fry: heat oil to 350 degrees F in deep fryer or electric skillet. Spread coconut on a flat pan a little at a time, adding more as needed. Dip shrimp in batter, then roll in coconut. Fry in hot oil until lightly browned, about 4 minutes. Bake at 300 degrees for 5 minutes to finish cooking of the shrimp.
Serve with sweet and sour sauce or the following sauce: Combine marmalade, Grey Poupon mustard, honey and Tabasco sauce to taste.
3/4 cup sour cream
1/3 cup mayonnaise
1/3 cup Dijon mustard
1/3 cup honey
1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon lemon juice
In a mixing bowl, combine the sour cream, mayonnaise, and mustard. Blend thoroughly using a wire whisk. Slowly pour in the honey and lemon juice. Continue mixing ingredients until dressing is smooth and well combined.
Servings: 2
KFC Secret Recipe
Corporate security expert Bo Dietl (l.) watches as Roger Eaton, president of KFC USA, places Colonel Harland Sanders' handwritten Original Recipe into KFC headquarters' newly modernized vault in April, 2009. (AP)
This February, National Public Radio’s “This American Life” program claimed to have uncovered Coca-Cola’s legendary original formula, publishing it online for the world to see. The recipe is one of the most closely-guarded in the food and drink industry, and has been kept secret for one hundred and twenty-five years.
Unfortunately for NPR, the recipe wasn’t the real thing - or so the beverage behemoth says.
NPR isn’t the first to “reveal” Coke’s secret and it won’t be the last. According to a joint-study released by the antivirus software specialist McAfee and technology services provider, Science Applications International Corporation (SAIC), hackers are shifting away from stealing personal information and towards targeting trade secrets and marketing plans. Intellectual property will be the nourishment that feeds the new underground economy.
With that in mind, here’s how vaults, safes, seeming transparency, and a talking dog make America’s top five secret recipes impervious to cyber attacks.
KFC Fried Chicken
Bucking the paperless trend, Colonel Harlan Sanders’ Original Recipe eleven herbs and spices are inscribed in pencil on a yellowed piece of paper inside a Louisville, Kentucky safe, says KFC spokesman Rick Maynard. The safe lies inside a state-of-the-art vault that is surrounded by motion detectors, cameras and guards. Ninjas, too? Maynard won’t say.
Each supplier produces a different recipe component. A computer at a separate supplier blends the ingredients so no single supplier knows the whole recipe. And even if someone got the recipe, says Maynard, without the right proportions, cooking process time and temperature, “it’ll be fried chicken but it won’t be KFC.”
McDonald’s French Fries
The secret to McDonald’s fries, one of the few foods that please both toddlers and four-star chefs, is that there is no secret. So says Michael Butkus, McDonald’s Senior Director of Strategic Sourcing. It’s about the potato seed (high-starch russets), the farms, farmers, irrigation, handling and processing and the global standardization of that process designed to ensure that its fries everywhere taste the same. McDonald’s restaurants finish them “only with good, old-fashioned salt in a specific grind,” and serve them hot. That’s it, he says.
Not quite. Like KFC, Butkus won’t comment on frying temperature, duration, oil type, or freezing. McDonald’s par-fries their potatoes then freezes them, tossing them frozen into the fryer. Belgians, who invented French Fries, have always fried-twice but they don’t freeze-and-fry. Asked whether freezing is part of the secret, Butkus waxes poetic about potato-growing practices. You do the math.
Pepsi
North Carolina pharmacist Caleb Bradham (b. 1867) is forever linked to Hollywood legend, Joan “No Wire Hangars” Crawford simply by a tonic he invented in 1898. Brad’s Drink was later renamed Pepsi-Cola and Crawford ended up on its board after the death of her husband, Pepsi CEO and Chairman, Alfred Steele. Pharmacists of Bradham’s generation often concocted drinks with purported health benefits to sell at their soda fountains. Drinks began to be bottled in the 1890s.
Queries made by this writer about the recipe’s whereabouts were met with “we don’t talk about that” and “I can’t tell you anything,” by Emily-Post-Meets-The-French-Resistance spokesperson, Andrea Foote. “The best way to keep a secret” she says good-naturedly, “is to keep it to yourself.” PepsiCo says only that they “feel fortunate” to have developed proprietary recipes that consumers love. That’s like saying that people who win hundred-million dollar lotteries “feel fortunate” to have won.
Bush’s Baked Beans
Canning has been Bush Brothers & Company’s forte since 1904. If it could be put in a can - sauerkraut, spaghetti, etc. - they put it in a can. In 1969 the brothers Bush went to toe-to-toe with the big boys of beans, Campbell’s, Heinz and B&M, armed only with a recipe created by the founder’s daughter-in-law, Kathleen.
“Jay Bush knows the recipe,” says spokesman, Mike Morris. “He’s shared it with Duke, but we don’t make Duke unavailable for interviews.” Duke is the family dog who in commercials always threatens to spill the beans. A replica of the recipe book, sans recipe, is on view at their Chestnut Hill, Tennessee visitor’s center, says Morris.
Other than brown sugar and double-cured bacon, their spice blend makes the beans unique and, just like at KFC, no single supplier knows all the components. “We all take our own safeguards,” says Morris. “But I don’t think there a whole lot of international espionage out there to figure out how to make baked beans.”
Coca-Cola
“Revealing” Coke’s secret recipe has become a time-honored tradition occurring every two or three years says company archivist, Phil Mooney. “Someone turns up with ‘the formula’ passed down to him by a contemporary of Pemberton’s.” Pharmacist John Pemberton invented Coca-Cola on May 8, 1886, flavoring it with coca leaves and bitter, highly-caffeinated kola nuts. Pre-Coke drinks had fruit- or plant-based (i.e. root beer) profiles. Pemberton sold his formula for $2500 in 1887, dying a year later. In 1886, Pemberton sold nine Cokes a day. Today, the company founded on his recipe today sells 1.7 billion drinks every 24 hours.
The recipe lies in a vault in a downtown Atlanta SunTrust Bank vault and only two executives at a time have access to it. Mooney demurs when asked if anyone’s ever come close to uncovering the formula. Even if they had the ingredients, he says, they wouldn’t know the proportions or process. If ingredients don’t matter, when asked if he’d confirm whether Coke contains neroli, coriander and nutmeg oils, he responds, “It’s really quite amazing, isn’t it?” It’s a non sequitur that ensures that Coke will continue to benefit from the mystique that secrets tend to confer.
One person who claims to have cracked both the Coke and KFC formulas is recipe cloner, Todd Wilbur. He’s published his results in a series of ten best-selling “Top Secret Recipe” books. He says the companies don’t mind what he does: “Just because you make it at home doesn’t mean you’re not going to get it any more. They’re in the convenience business. I’m not.” Wilbur reverse-engineers recipes by isolating ingredients and components. He works backwards from the final product until he achieves taste parity. Try his versions of Coke and KFC Extra Crispy below and judge for yourself.
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Recipes taken from Todd Wilbur's Top Secret Recipes, and Even More Top Secret Recipes courtesy of Plume books.
This Coke recipe, because of the old-fashioned technique of adding the syrup to soda water, creates a clone of Coke as it would taste coming out of a fountain machine, which is usually not as fizzy as the bottled stuff. But if you add some ice to a glass of bottled Coke, and then some to this cloned version, the bubbles will settle down and you’ll discover how close the two are.
Coca-Cola
6 cups granulated sugar
2 cups (one 16-ounce bottle) light corn syrup
8 NoDoz tablets, crushed to powder*
2 tsp citric acid
7 cups boiling water
1 tbs lime juice
1/2 tsp vanilla
1 drop lemon oil
1 drop orange oil
1 drop cinnamon (cassia) oil
Color
1 tbs red food coloring
1 1/2 tsps yellow food coloring
1/2 tsp blue food coloring
44 cups cold soda water
1. Combine sugar, corn syrup, powdered NoDoz and citric acid in a large pitcher or bowl. Add the boiling water, and stir until the sugar has dissolved and the solution is clear. Strain the syrup though a paper towel-lined strainer to remove the NoDoz sediment.
2. Add the lime juice, vanilla, lemon oil, orange oil and cassia oil to the syrup and stir.
3. Add the colors to the syrup, then cover it and chill it for several hours until cold.
4. To make the soda, add 1/4 cup of cold syrup to the 1 cup of cold soda water. Stir gently, drop in some ice and serve.
Makes 44 10-oz servings.
Notes:
The NoDoz substitutes for the caffeine originally derived from kola nuts. Each NoDoz table contains 200 milligrams of caffeine, and a 12-ounce serving of Coke has 46 milligrams in it. So if we use 8 NoDoz tablets that have been crushed to powder with a mortar and pestle (or in a bowl using the back of a spoon) we get 44 milligrams of caffeine in a 12-ounce serving or 36 milligrams in each of the 10-ounce servings we make with this recipe.
You’ll probably have more trouble obtaining Coke’s crucial flavoring ingredient: cassia oil. I was hoping to leave such a hard-to-get ingredient out of this recipe, but I found it impossible. The unique flavor of Coke absolutely requires the inclusion of this Vietnamese cinnamon oil (usually sold for aromatherapy), but only a very small amount. You’ll find the cassia oil in a health food store (I used the brand Oshadhi) along with the lemon oil and orange oil.
The yield of this recipe had to be cranked up to 44 10-ounce servings since these oils are so strong—just one drop of each is all you’ll need. Find them in bottles that allow you to measure exactly one drop if you can. If the oils don’t come in such a bottle, buy eyedroppers at a drug store. Before you leave the health food store, don’t forget to get the citric acid.
Because subtle difference in flavor can affect the finished product, be sure to measure your ingredients very carefully. Use the flat top edge of a butter knife to scrape away the excess sugar and citric acid from the top of the measuring cup and teaspoon. And don’t estimate on any of the liquid ingredients.
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KFC’s Extra Crispy Chicken
1 whole frying chicken, cut up
6 to 12 cups vegetable shortening
Brine Solution
4 Cups cold water
2 tbs salt
1/2 tsp MSG
Coating
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tbs popcorn salt
1 tsp MSG (see Tidbits)
1/2 tsp ground black pepper
1/2 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
1/2 tsp ground sage
1/2 tsp ground coriander
1/4 tsp ground thyme
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1. Trim any excess skin and fat from the chicken pieces. Preheat the shortening in a deep fryer to 350 degrees. Use the amount of shortening recommended by the manufacturer of your fryer.
2. Combine the water, salt and 1/2 tsp MSG for the brine solution in a large bowl. Stir to dissolve salt. Add the chicken to the bowl and let it sit for 20 minutes.
3. Combine the dry coating ingredients in a large bowl. Mix well.
4. When the chicken has soaked in the brine solution for 20 minutes, coat each piece with the flour mixture and then arrange each piece on a plate or baking sheet. When al the pieces have been coated, drop one at a time back into the water again, then into the flour. This time roll each piece of chicken around with your fingers several times so that the coating builds up. This build-up of coating will make the chicken crispy. Arrange the chicken on the plate again until each piece has been coated. Let the chicken rest for about 5 minutes so that the coating sticks. Preheat oven to 225 degrees.
5. Drop the chicken, one piece at a time, into the hot shortening. Fry 3 to 4 pieces of the chicken at a time for 12 to 15 minutes, or until each one is golden brown. Be sure to turn the chicken halfway through the cooking time so that each piece cooks evenly.
6. Remove the chicken to a rack to drain for about 5 minutes before eating, then put the chicken into the warm oven while the other pieces are frying.
• Serves 3 to 4 (8 pieces of chicken)
TIDBITS
MSG is monosodium glutamate, the solid form of natural amino acid found in many vegetables. It can be found in stores in the spice sections, and as the brand name Accent flavor enhancer. MSG is an important component of many KFC items.
1 pinch baking soda 2 cups boiling water 6 tea bags 3/4 cup white sugar 6 cups cool water Add all ingredients to list
Directions
Prep
5 m
Cook
15 m
Ready In
3 h 20 m
Sprinkle a pinch of baking soda into a 64-ounce, heat-proof, glass pitcher. Pour in boiling water, and add tea bags. Cover, and allow to steep for 15 minutes.
Remove tea bags, and discard; stir in sugar until dissolved. Pour in cool water, then refrigerate until cold.
SHOW:
Down Home with the Neelys
EPISODE:
Expandable Pants (Pat's Three Brothers Drop By For Dinner)
Total Time:
8 hr 18 min
Prep:
10 min
Inactive:
8 hr
Cook:
8 min
Yield:8 servings
Expandable pants are in order when frozen lemonade pie is on the menu.
Ingredients
Graham Cracker Crust:
2 cups graham cracker crumbs
1/4 cup granulated sugar
7 tablespoons butter, melted
Lemonade Filling:
One 14-ounce can sweetened condensed milk, chilled
One 12-ounce container whipped topping, thawed
One 6-fluid-ounce can frozen lemonade concentrate, unthawed
1 teaspoon candied lemon peel, for garnish
Directions
Watch how to make this recipe.
For the crust: Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
In medium bowl, stir together the cracker crumbs, sugar and the melted butter until combined and resembles a wet sand mixture. Pour into a pie plate and press the mixture firmly along the bottom and sides. Bake for 7 to 8 minutes. Remove from the oven and let cool completely.
For the filling: In a large bowl, add the sweetened condensed milk and whipped topping. Fold the two together gently until combined, being careful to keep the mixture light and fluffy. Add the lemonade concentrate and continue to gently fold. Be sure to avoid letting the mixture get too liquid-y. Pour the filling into the pie crust. Place in the freezer to chill overnight.
Sprinkle with a little candied lemon peel and serve!
Recipe courtesy of The Neelys
Read more at: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/patrick-and-gina-neely/frozen-lemonade-pie-recipe.html?oc=linkback
"This is a wonderful pie for parties, or just for yourself. It's great on a hot summer day, but you could make it any time of year - so refreshing."
Ingredients
1 (14 ounce) can sweetened condensed milk 1 (6 ounce) can frozen pink lemonade concentrate, thawed 1 (8 ounce) container frozen whipped topping, thawed 2 (8 inch) prepared graham cracker crusts Add all ingredients to list
Directions
Prep
10 m
Ready In
2 h 10 m
In a large bowl, mix together sweetened condensed milk and lemonade concentrate. Fold in whipped topping. Pour into pie crusts. Refrigerate until completely chilled.
Prep Time: 20 minutes Cook Time: 20 minutes Serving Size: 6
Ingredients
3 eggs
2 cups Coca-Cola
1/4 cup granulated sugar
3 to 4 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
vegetable oil for deep frying
powdered sugar
Pure cola syrup
Garnish (optional)
whipped cream
maraschino cherries
Directions
In a large bowl, beat the eggs, then add the Coca-Cola and granulated sugar.
Sift 2 cups of the flour, the baking powder, and salt and add to the Coca-Cola mixture. Mix while adding more flour, until the batter is smooth and not too thick.
Heat the oil to 375°F in a deep fryer.
Drop 1 1/2-inch dough balls into the fryer and cook for 2 to 3 minutes, until golden. Remove them with a slotted spoon to paper towels to drain.
Sprinkle the fried Coke balls with powdered sugar while they are still hot, and douse with cola syrup.
Garnish with whipped cream and maraschino cherries, if desired, and serve.
"This dry rub is perfect for grilled steaks and will add amazing flavor to any cut of meat. Extra rub can be stored at room temperature for later use."
3 tablespoons kosher salt 3 tablespoons smoked paprika 2 tablespoons onion powder 2 tablespoons garlic powder 2 tablespoons dried oregano 2 tablespoons coarsely ground black pepper 1 tablespoon light brown sugar 1 tablespoon ground cumin
Mix and store in a glass container in the refrigerator to keep it fresh.... Enjoy!
Bobby's World Famous Steak Rub from Mesa, Bar Americain and Bf Steak
Recipe courtesy of Bobby Flay
Total Time:
15 min
Prep:
15 min
Yield:about 2 cup
Level:Easy
Ingredients
1 cup ancho chili powder
1/3 cup Spanish paprika
3 tablespoons ground dried oregano
3 tablespoons ground coriander
3 tablespoons dry mustard
1 tablespoon ground cumin
1 tablespoon kosher salt
1 tablespoon ground black pepper
2 teaspoons chile de arbol, optional
Read more at: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/bobby-flay/bobbys-world-famous-steak-rub-from-mesa-bar-americain-and-bf-steak-recipe.html?oc=linkback
Your favorite steak grilled with a spicy mixture of garlic and onion served with sweet corn on the side.
Grilled Garlicky Steak and Corn on the Cob
We grill steaks and corn year around in this house thanks to my favorite indoor grill pan. If you don’t have one, it’s worth saving your pennies for.
Whatever you do, don’t be cheap! Food burns on the cheaper pans very easily, making them difficult to clean up. After I threw away my first pan, I bit the bullet and bought a more expensive brand. It cleans up perfectly, even when barbecue sauce burns on and sticks like glue. It simply wipes clean.
Indoor grilling is a great time saver, not to mention calorie saver. Fat from meats drips down into the wells, so your food isn’t swimming in it, and veggies can be cooked to perfection without oil or butter.
GRILL SEASON ISN’T OVER YET! GARLICKY STEAK AND GRILLED CORN
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INGREDIENTS
16 ounces top sirloin beef steaks, trimmed of fat
4 large corn
½ small onion, finely minced
4 cloves garlic, finely minced
1 tablespoon thyme, finely chopped
1 tablespoon olive oil
¼ cup red wine
INSTRUCTIONS
1. Combine garlic, onion, thyme and olive oil in a small bowl.
2. Preheat large indoor grill over medium-high heat and spray with cooking spray.
3. Add corn and steak to the grill. Turn corn every 3 - 4 minutes to brown lightly on all sides. Don't over cook. The corn should be crisp-tender.
4. Cook steak 4 - 8 minutes on one side until you have nice grill marks. Timing depends on how thick your steaks are. Top the beef with the onion mash pressing it down into the meat. Carefully flip steak and cook another 4 - 8 minutes.
5. Remove steak from grill and allow to rest. Pour red wine into grill pan and scrape up bits. Top steak with bits from the pan and serve with corn.
PEACHES AND CREAM ROLL BREAD
Filled with sliced peaches and covered in a delicate, silky, cream cheese frosting. Peaches and Cream Roll Bread is perfect for Breakfast, snack, or even dessert.
Peaches and Cream Roll Bread, is a delicious breakfast, snack or dessert yeast bread, made with sliced peaches and cream cheese.
Ever since I started making sweet bread I have been wanting to make something with Peaches, one of my favourite Summertime fruits.
Last Summer I made an Italian Fresh Peach Crumb Cake, but this year I decided I don’t want to wait until the warm weather again. And then I thought, “what if I want a sweet bread with peaches at Christmas Time? Then what? No, I can’t because peaches aren’t available yet.”
peaches and cr blog
A MESSAGE FROM WALDORF ASTORIA
INSIDE ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST PRESTIGIOUS CULINARY CONTESTS
Step inside this epicurean experience to see which chef team presented the Taste of Waldorf Astoria 2016 winning dish
But they are if you use canned peaches! I know, nothing’s like fresh, but when you really, really want something, why not?! And I did. And I am so glad I did.
One good thing about canned is you don’t have to peel them, just slice and go. First thing I did was I made my easy sweet dough, then I rolled it out. I spread the top of the dough with some softened butter, topped it with my sliced peaches mixture and then rolled it up.
No need to slice it just place it whole in a loaf pan lined with parchment paper, let it rise for an hour or two, depending on the warmth of your home, brush it with some milk and bake it.
peaches cream 9 (1 of 1)
When it has cooled completely that’s when you frost it with this silky lightly sweetened cream cheese frosting. Adding a little cream instead of milk gives it that creamy richness that we all love.
So however you decide to serve this Peaches and Cream Roll Bread with a tea or coffee as an afternoon snack or even a Breakfast bread, I hope you enjoy it! Happy weekend.
Rosemary
Yields 1 loaf
PEACHES AND CREAM ROLL BREAD
20 min
Prep Time
50 min
Cook Time
1 hr, 10
Total Time Save Recipe Print Recipe
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Ingredients
SWEET DOUGH BREAD
2 1/2 cups flour (300 grams)
2 tablespoons butter softened (30 grams)
1/4 teaspoon salt (1.40 grams)
1 3/4 teaspoon yeast (5 grams)
1 teaspoon vanilla (2 ml)
1 egg
2 1/2 tablespoons sugar (40 grams)
1/2 cup + 1/2 tablespoon milk (125 ml) (warm to a little warmer than room temperature)
PEACH FILLING
2 whole peaches thinly sliced (fresh or canned)
1/2 tablespoon lemon juice (7.5 grams)
1/2 cup sugar (112.5 grams)
1/4 cup brown sugar (50 grams)
1 tablespoon corn starch (8 grams)
CREAM CHEESE FROSTING
2 1/4 tablespoons cream (34 grams) (whole or whipping) (maybe less or more depending on desired thickness)
4 ounces cream cheese (100 grams) room temperature
1/2 cup powdered / icing sugar (55 grams)
1/2 teaspoon vanilla (2.1 grams)
Order Ingredients
Instructions
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PEACH FILLING
In a medium bowl gently toss together peaches and lemon juice, in separate bowl whisk together sugars and corn starch, gently toss together dry ingredients into peach mixture. Set aside.
SWEET DOUGH BREAD
In a large bowl whisk together flour, salt and sugar, add yeast and mix gently, make a well in the middle and add egg, butter and vanilla, mix with a fork, slowly add milk (warm to a little bit warmer than room temperature). Continue to mix with a fork until it is almost all together.
Then move to a lightly floured flat surface and knead for approximately 15 minutes or until dough becomes smooth and elastic. Form into a ball, cover with plastic and refrigerate for 40 minutes.
Remove from fridge and roll into approximately 9 x 13 inch (22 x 33 centimeters) rectangle, spread with 3 tablespoons softened butter (leave a little bit of an edge uncovered), spread with peach mixture, roll up starting at short end. Place seam side down in 10 or 11 inch (25-27 centimeter) loaf pan. Cover well with a tea towel (I use a folded up tablecloth) and let rise 2 hours in a draft free warm area.
CREAM CHEESE FROSTING
Whisk together cream cheese,sugar and vanilla, gradually add cream until reaches desired thickness. Spread on cooled Roll Bread
Pre-heat oven to 350° (180° celcius).
before baking brush the dough with a little milk, then bake in the oven for approximately 45-50 minutes (test with a toothpick). Remove from oven and let cool completely before frosting. Enjoy!
Cuisine: American | Recipe Type: Bread/Yeast Breads
peaches cream 10 (1 of 1)
with a sprinkle of fancy
Mini Cheesecake Bites
05.02.2012
Mini cheesecake desserts in 15 minutes, yes please! This is one of those uh oh recipes for me =). I created it because if you haven’t noticed I LOVE cheesecake and I wanted a simpler, ready to enjoy sooner cheesecake recipe. Yes those New York style cheesecakes are utterly amazing but sometimes I just can’t wait for it to bake and hour then chill eight hours to dive in and enjoy it. These are ready to eat in about 15 minutes! Hence why I said this is an uh oh recipe for me. They are dangerously delicious and so incredibly simple to make. I’m sure I will be making them a bit too often. These would be so fun for parties. I know I will be making them for July 4th using raspberry jam and garnishing them with blueberries.
This recipe is so versatile, you can switch up the pudding flavor (I want to try white chocolate and chocolate next). You can use your favorite type of jam/berry syrup or even omit it and just use berries. You could drizzle with caramel ice cream topping or melted chocolate rather than using jam and garnish it with chocolate slivers. You could even do an Oreo cheesecake version by adding crushed Oreos to the cheesecake mixture and then garnishing them with a mini Oreo (you could even use a regular size Oreo in place of the graham cracker). You could do a lemon or lime version by adding in a little bit of lemon/lime zest and juice to the pudding and garnishing them with mini lemon/lime wedges. I would like to try a Nutella version sometime too. You see what I mean there are endless possibilities, so have fun and create your own version. Enjoy!
Unprofessional I know, all I had on hand was frozen berries but I wanted you to have an idea at least of what they look like with the berries. Fresh would be best if you have them.
Print
Mini Cheesecake Bites
Yield: 28
Ingredients
4 oz. cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup powdered sugar
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup heavy cream
3/4 cup whole milk
1 (3.4 oz) pkg cheesecake flavored instant pudding
14 graham cracker sheets (plus some extra, it's likely some will break when cutting)
1/4 cup seedless jam of your choice*
Raspberries, blueberries or diced strawberries, for garnish (optional)
Directions
In a large mixing bowl, using an electric mixer, whip together cream cheese, powdered sugar and vanilla until smooth, about 1 minute. Using a wire whisk, stir in cream, milk and instant pudding. Whisk mixture for about 2 - 3 minutes (by hand) until very thick. Place mixture in the freezer for 5 - 10 minutes while you prepare the graham cracker circles.
Break graham cracker sheets into halves, then using a metal 2 1/4" circle cookie cutter or fondant cutter, cut crackers into circles. Remove cheesecake mixture from freezer and using a large spoon stir until nearly smooth (to remove the little lumps), about 30 seconds. Pipe cheesecake mixture over graham cracker circles, drizzle with seedless jam and top with optional berries. Store in the refrigerator (note: for best results drizzle jam just before serving).
Notes
*see post above for additional drizzling and topping ideas.
July 4th Cheesecake Bites (a no bake recipe)
Yield: 28
Ingredients
1 Recipe Cheesecake Bites, recipe found here
1/4 cup seedless raspberry jam
28 fresh blueberries
Directions
Follow directions listed using 1/4 cup raspberry jam (for the jam called for) and top each mini cheesecake with a fresh blueberry. For best results serve immediately.
Note: for best results when cutting the graham crackers, if you open the package a day or two before cutting them you should have less breakage. You can use an unopened package you will just have more of them break when cutting, but you can always save the broken ones to make a graham cracker pie crust in the future.
Recipe Source: Cooking Classy
Cracker Barrel Old Country Store Cherry Chocolate Cobbler
Chocolate and cherry is a winning combination. Try them together in this delicious copycat version of Cracker Barrel's cherry chocolate cobbler. This is perfect served warm with a dollop of whipped cream on top. This cherry cobbler recipe eats more like a brownie than a cobbler, but you won't hear us complaining. A sweet, thick sea of Maraschino cherries rests beneath a deliciously-dense chocolate cakey layer, making this "cobbler" one you won't soon forget. Topped off with a sprinkling of your choice of nuts and a helping of whipped cream, you won't know whether to take a picture of this dessert or eat it.
Serves: 8
Cooking Time: 45 min
Ingredients
1 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup butter (softened)
6 ounces semisweet chocolate morsels
1/4 cup milk
1 egg
21 ounces can cherry pie filling
1/2 cup walnuts, finely chopped (or nuts of your choice)
See 5 Indulgent Cashewmilk Ice Cream Flavors
For another best-loved, chocolate cherry combination, try this insanely decadent recipe for Elegant Black Forest Cake.
Instructions
Whipped cream and maraschino cherries for garnish (optional)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Spray a 9 x 13-inch baking dish with cooking spray.
Place chocolate chips into a glass or metal bowl and set over simmering water until melted. Remove from heat and allow to cool 5 minutes.
Meanwhile, combine flour, sugar, baking powder, salt and butter. Use a pastry blender to mix until the butter pieces resemble small peas.
Stir milk and egg into the cooled chocolate, then stir this mixture into the dry ingredients until completely combined.
Spread pie filling in the bottom of the prepared bake dish, then top with the chocolate mixture. Sprinkle nuts on top. Bake for 40-45 minutes.
Cool and serve with whipped cream and maraschino cherry garnish if desired.
Cozy up to a bowl of rich, hearty potato soup with this Copycat Cracker Barrel Old Country Store copycat soup recipe. This soup only has a few ingredients so it's simple to make in your own home. With potatoes, celery, milk, and just a few additions, you will quickly have a delicious soup that's just as good as the restaurant version. This is a rich potato soup recipe that is not too heavy or creamy, but still makes a hearty meal. Serve it with a side salad or a sandwich for a great lunch or dinner.
Serves: 12
Cooking Time: 50 min
Ingredients
3 pounds potatoes, peeled and diced into 1/2 x 1-inch pieces
8 ounces chopped celery
2 quarts water
4 ounces chicken base
1/2 teaspoon pepper
1 tablespoon salt
1 1/2 quart milk
4 ounces melted margarine
1 cup flour
GOPO® Rosehip with Galactolipids: 4 joints
Instructions
Put potatoes, celery, water, chicken base, salt, and pepper in large pot and simmer 20 minutes.
Add milk and bring to 170 degrees F.
In bowl blend melted margarine and flour till smooth. Then add 1 quart of soup broth (from the pot) and blend. Using wire whisk, add back to pot and blend well. Simmer 20 minutes.
This thick and creamy cracker barrel copycat country store sawmill gravy will turn any meat-based meal into gravy heaven! It's definitely one of our favorite copycat recipes from restaurants that we've ever tried.
Ingredients
1/4 cup fried meat grease
1/4 cup flour
1 sausage patty, cooked and crumbled
1/4 cup bacon bits
2 cups milk
salt
coarsely ground pepper
Instructions
After frying bacon, ham or chicken, pour off fat and measure 1/4 cup drippings.
Place back in pan and add flour. Stir until blended.
Add milk and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until bubbling and thick.
Season to taste with salt and coarse ground pepper.
Add crumbled sausage and bacon bits. Stir well and serve.
There is nothing like meatloaf the way Mom makes it, unless you're making it like Cracker Barrel! This Cracker Barrel recipe is one of our many copycat recipes from restaurants. Try it yourself to see if it compares!
Ingredients
10 pounds ground beef
30 ounces onion, chopped 1/4-inch square
1 pound diced green bell peppers
10 eggs
5 tablespoons salt
1 1/2 tablespoon pepper
1 1/2 quart diced canned tomatoes
2 1/4 cups grated biscuit crumbs
Print a Coupon for Fortify™ Probiotics
Instructions
Preheat oven to 300 degrees F.
Place all in large bowl, mix completely with gloved hand.
Place in 3 loaf pans. press down with spoon.
Bake at 300 degrees F in convection oven for 60 minutes.
Remove from oven and invert each loaf over 8-inch wire rack to drain grease and juice.
Spread 1/2 cup of catsup over each loaf.
Cut into portions 5 to 6 ounces each and keep warm. Makes 42 five ounce servings.
The salad dressing is the most important part of a salad. Olive Garden is known for their delicious house salad and this delicious copycat recipe tastes just like the real thing. Bring the flavors of Italy to your own home and make Olive Garden Copycat House Dressing. Made with oil and vinegar, as well as two types of cheese, this dressing will make your salad go from drab to fab.
Ingredients
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/3 cup white vinegar
1 teaspoon vegetable oil
2 tablespoons corn syrup
2 tablespoons Parmesan cheese
2 tablespoons Romano cheese
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon Italian seasoning.
1/2 teaspoon parsley flakes
1 tablespoon lemon juice
Print a Coupon for Fortify™ Probiotics
Instructions
Place all of the ingredients in a blender and mix well. Place in container and keep refrigerated for up to a week.
Notes
The color may be a little different than Olive Garden's dressing, but the flavor is still there.
Read more at http://www.recipelion.com/Salad-Dressing/Olive-Garden-Copycat-House-Dressing#41erU3vJoU8fCGkM.99
This casserole is so delicious!
Ingredients
1 2 pound bag frozen country-style hash browns
1/2 cup (or so) onion, chopped fine
Jane's Crazy Mixed-up Salt, to taste
1 and 1/2 to 2 cups Colby cheese, shredded (I love cheese, but in this case, more is not necessarily better)
1 can cream of chicken soup
Instructions
Cook hash browns, onions, and salt to taste in a skillet (you will need to add a little butter or oil). Cook until the hash browns are tender and brown. Drain the hash browns and set aside. Mix together cheese and cream of chicken soup in a separate bowl Add hash browns to mixture, then transfer into a buttered 2 qt. casserole dish and cook at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until golden brown.
Cracker Barrel is known for their delicious grilled chicken tenders, well now you can make your own.
Ingredients
1 pound chicken breast tenders
1/2 cup Italian Dressing (drain and discard spices)
1 teaspoon fresh lime juice
1 and 1/2 teaspoon honey
Instructions
Mix dressing, lime juice and honey together. Pour over chicken tenders, making sure all tenders are covered; marinate for 1 hour. Braise tenders in a non-stick pan or grill to lightly golden in color but not dry.
Enjoy the bets of both worlds, pecan pie and chocolate.
Ingredients
3 eggs
1/2 cup sugar
1 cup corn syrup
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/4 cups melted margarine
1 cups pecans
3 tablespoons semi sweet chocolate chips
Plain pastry shell
Instructions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a medium sized bowl, beat together eggs, and then add in sugar, mix well. Mix in corn syrup, salt, vanilla, and margarine. Place pecans and chocolate chips in pie shell. Add mixture. The pecans will rise up to the top when baking. Bake in a 350 degrees oven for 50-60 minutes.
You could serve this chocolate pecan pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. I like to keep this pie in the refrigerator between servings, I think helps the pie to set up better.
So when you go out to eat, do you order dessert? What is your favorite type of dessert to have when you go out for a special meal?
Cracker Barrel Fried Apples are the perfect side dish to make at any meal. In the fall, when apples are being harvested, I could not think of a more perfect dish for dinner.
Ingredients
1/4 cup bacon drippings, or 4 tablespoons (1/2 stick) butter
6 tart apples, peeled, cored, and sliced - (video demonstrates this with apples that were not peeled, personal choice should be made).
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 pinch ground nutmeg
Squeeze of lemon - optional
Instructions
In a large skillet, melt bacon drippings or butter. Spread the apples evenly over the skillet bottom. Sprinkle the lemon juice over them, followed by the brown sugar and salt. Cover and cook over low heat for 15 minutes, until apples are tender and juicy. Sprinkle with cinnamon and nutmeg and serve. You can add a squeeze of lemon at the finish for enhanced flavor, this is optional.
You can make this broccoli cheddar chicken bake, and it will taste just like the Cracker Barrel.
Ingredients
4 boneless skinless chicken breasts
1 can of Campbell's Cheddar Cheese Soup
1 cup milk
1 1/2 cups Ritz Crackers (one sleeve)
4 tablespoons of melted butter (you can use more)
8 ounces frozen broccoli
4 ounces shredded cheddar cheese
1/2 teaspoon seasoned salt
Instructions
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Make can of Cheddar cheese soup mix according to package directions (one can of soup mix to one can of milk). Place chicken breasts in a 9 by 13 inch baking dish. Season with seasoned salt. Pour 3/4 of the prepared soup over the chicken breasts. Add broccoli to chicken that has been covered with the cheddar soup. Melt butter and combine with Ritz crackers, sprinkle buttered crackers over the broccoli. Add remaining soup mix, and bake for approximately 45 minutes or until the chicken is done. (Check chicken by cutting the thickest part and look to see that the chicken is uniform in color). When chicken has been removed from oven sprinkle with shredded cheddar cheese.
Ingredients
CAKE:
1 cup Coca-Cola
1/2 cup oil
1/2 cup or 1 stick margarine
3 tablespoons of cocoa
2 cups sugar
2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1/2 cup buttermilk
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon vanilla
FROSTING:
1/2 cup or 1 stick of margarine
3 tablespoons cocoa
6 tablespoons cream or milk
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 to 1 cup chopped pecans
1 pound confectioners sugar
Instructions
Cake: In a sauce pan, bring Coca-Cola, oil, margarine, and cocoa to a boil. Mix the sugar, flour and salt, pour into the boiling liquid and beat well. Add the eggs, buttermilk, baking soda, and vanilla and beat well. Pour into a greased and floured sheet cake pan and bake at 350 degrees for 20-25 minutes.
Frosting: In a saucepan, combine the margarine, cocoa, and cream or milk and heat until the butter melts. Beat in the remaining ingredients. Spread on the hot cake. Cool and cut.
Yield: 24 servings
These have a wonderful flavor and make a great side for any family meal!
Ingredients
1/4 pound sliced bacon
3 cans (14 and 1/2 oz.) whole green beans--do not drain liquid
1/4 of a medium sized onion, chopped
1 teaspoon sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon fresh ground pepper
Instructions
In a two quart sauce pan on medium heat, cook bacon until lightly brown but not crisp. When bacon has browned, add green beans. Add salt, sugar, and pepper and mix well. Place onion on top of green beans; cover with a lid and bring to a light boil. Turn heat down to low and simmer beans for 45 minutes.
Cooking the green beans for 45 minutes on a very low simmer will blend the flavors. I must say, we love a variety of vegetables at every meal, but green beans can be on my plate several times a week.
I don't know if this is Cracker Barrel's actual hash browns casserole recipe, but it is close. This recipe can feed a large crowd and is good for a brunch.
INGREDIENTS
SERVINGS 10-12 UNITS US
2 lbs frozen hash browns
1⁄2 cup margarine or 1⁄2 cup butter, melted
1 (10 1/4 ounce) can cream of chicken soup
1 pint sour cream
1⁄2 cup onion, peeled and chopped
2 cups cheddar cheese, grated
1 teaspoon salt
1⁄4 teaspoon pepper
DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350°F and spray an 11 x 14 baking dish with cooking spray.
Mix the above ingredients together, place in prepared pan and bake for 45 minutes or until brown on top.
This is the KFC Biscuit recipe from the website, they are wonderful.
SERVINGS 9 UNITS US
1 1⁄2 cups flour
1 1⁄2 teaspoons salt
1 tablespoon sugar
1 tablespoon baking powder
2⁄3 cup milk
1⁄3 cup vegetable shortening
DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 425ºF.
Sift together flour, salt, sugar and baking powder into mixing bowl.
Make a well in the flour mix and add the milk.
Add shortening and begin kneading with hands (to cut in) the vegetable shortening and flour in the milk until thoroughly mixed.
Add milk, if needed to form, and mix.
Turn onto floured board, and knead gently 6 to 8 times.
Pat dough to 1/2-inch thickness.
Cut into biscuits.
Place on baking sheet and brown in oven 10-13 minutes.
Makes about 9 biscuits.
INGREDIENTS
1 cup miracle whip (not mayo)
1/2 cup sugar.
3 tablespoons vegetable oil.
3 teaspoons apple cider vinegar.
1/2 teaspoon celery salt.
8 cups finely chopped cabbage.
2 medium carrots medium carrots, shredded.
1/4 cup very finely chopped onion.
Mix well, allow to marinate in refrigerator for about 3 hours...
Enjoy!
You could call this recipe "Kentucky Chicken-Fried Pork Chops"! Since reverse-engineering KFC's 'Colonel’s Secret Original Recipe Seasoning', I've discovered the best pork chop ever -- one made with my Bulk KFC Original Recipe Seasoning (Copycat). Upon a few trials I decided I like boneless 3/4-inch to 1-inch thick top loin pork chops best for this recipe. So tender, so tasty... I'm sure 'The Colonel' himself would say "Mmm, these are finger-lickin' good!".
INGREDIENTS Nutrition
SERVINGS
4-6
YIELD
4-6 pork chops
UNITS
US
PORK CHOPS
6 boneless 3/4-inch to 1-inch thick top loin pork chops
BRINE
4 cups water
1 tablespoon unseasoned meat tenderizer
1⁄2 teaspoon Accent seasoning (optional)
SEASONED FLOUR
1 cup pre-sifted all-purpose flour
3 tablespoons seasoning (Bulk KFC Original Recipe Seasoning (Copycat))
DEEP-FRYING OIL
vegetable oil
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Check Out Our Top Pork Recipe
Check Out Our Top Pork Recipe
DIRECTIONS
NOTES: FOR LOWER SODIUM PORK CHOPS YOU MAY SOAK THEM IN BUTTERMILK OVERNIGHT INSTEAD OF BRINING. IF YOU WISH TO MAKE GRAVY, FOLLOW Recipe #422335 OR THE RECIPE IN Recipe #487767. (STEP ONE): RINSE fresh or naturally-thawed 3/4-1-inch thick boneless top loin pork chops and blot.
MIX the TENDERIZING BRINE ingredients together in a large resealable container until dissolved: 4 cups water, 1 tablespoon unseasoned meat tenderizer, and 1/2 teaspoon Accent seasoning; ADD pork chops to brine; TRANSFER container to refrigerator; MARINATE pork chops between 4-36 hours in refrigerator, turning chicken as needed (marinate 36 hours for the most tender, flavorful pork chops).
INTO a large resealable container or Ziploc bag, add 1 level cup all-purpose flour and 3 level tablespoons Recipe #453973; SEAL the container; SHAKE mixture well until thoroughly combined.
FILL a large bowl with very warm water; REMOVE pork chops from marinade with tongs; SOAK chops in very warm water a minute.
PLACE 1-2 pork chops at a time into the breading mixture container; SEAL container firmly; SHAKE container gently in all motions to thoroughly coat chops until evenly and generously breaded.
PLACE breaded pork chops on a wire rack; BREAD remaining pork chops; ALLOW chops to rest and absorb the breading for a few minutes before frying.
PREHEAT the manufacturer's recommended amount frying fat in your deep-fryer to 315°F (OR) preheat enough fat to immerse cube steaks completely in deep heavy stovetop pot to 325°F (frying fat will drop to 315 -°F, which you will want to maintain, using a deep-fryer thermometer to gauge).
ADD breaded pork chops to the elevated fry basket in deep-fryer without crowding (if a standard size home fryer is used, add no more than 2-3 pieces at a time); LOWER the basket slowly into the hot fat (or gently lower breaded pork chops using tongs into stovetop pot, turning once halfway through frying duration).
DEEP-FRY pork chops about 7-8 minutes until golden brown and fully cooked, depending on portion/size (meat will no longer be pink and pork juices will run clear when done); PLACE pork chops onto a paper towel-underlined rack to drain for a minute or two; REPEAT the same cooking procedures until all pork chops are fried; KEEP pork chops warmed in a 175°F oven until serving.
FOR SOFTER BREADING: Place pork chops into a large resealable container then seal (the steam will soften the breading for added Original Recipe authenticity). Re-heat pork chops if necessary before serving in microwave oven, using same setting as if reheating 2 frozen pastries; SERVE with gravy if desired and enjoy!
My reverse-engineered recipe for replicating KFC's 'Original Recipe' chicken breading seasoning. Yields enough seasoning for 6 batches fried chicken or 12 batches Kentucky Fried Pork Chops. Mix 1/2 level cup of this blend with 2 cups unbleached breading flour for frying one fryer chicken or up to 16 drumsticks. Follow KFC Original Recipe Chicken (Copycat) for brining, preparation and frying instructions.
INGREDIENTS Nutrition
SERVINGS
36
YIELD
6 batches fried chicken
UNITS
US
BASE MIXTURE (READ ALL NOTES)
2⁄3 cup nonfat dry milk powder
9 tablespoons fine sea salt
4 tablespoons Accent seasoning (optional)
4 tablespoons egg white powder (cornstarch okay)
11 SECRET HERBS AND SPICES
6 tablespoons fresh ground tellicherry black pepper
4 1⁄2 tablespoons barbecue seasoning (use the recipe provided below)
3 tablespoons ground sage
2 tablespoons ground coriander
2 tablespoons ground ginger
1 tablespoon ground savory
1 1⁄2 teaspoons crushed basil
1 1⁄2 teaspoons ground cloves
1 1⁄2 teaspoons ground nutmeg
1 1⁄2 teaspoons ground vanilla beans
3⁄4 teaspoon ground cardamom
FOR THE BARBECUE SEASONING
2 tablespoons smoked paprika
1 tablespoon celery salt
1 1⁄2 teaspoons garlic salt
1 1⁄2 teaspoons onion salt
1 1⁄2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 1⁄2 teaspoons sweet paprika
1 1⁄2 teaspoons crushed parsley
1 1⁄2 teaspoons ground turmeric
3⁄4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
My reverse-engineered recipe for replicating KFC's 'Original Recipe' chicken at home. Yields 8-10 pieces whole fried chicken, or up to 16 drumsticks. For a bulk mix seasoning for quick and easy breading, use Bulk KFC Original Recipe Seasoning (Copycat). PLEASE NOTE: The Nutritional Information listing here is inaccurate -- since only a fraction of flour and salt actually end up in the finished product. So be aware -- the suggested sodium, sugar, carbohydrate and calorie levels are ridiculously exaggerated!
INGREDIENTS Nutrition
SERVINGS 4-6 UNITS US
CHICKEN
1 premium quality fresh young roasting chicken, cut-up
BRINE BASE
2 quarts cold water
2 tablespoons morton lite salt
2 teaspoons Accent seasoning (optional)
BASE MIXTURE (SEE NOTES)
5 teaspoons nonfat dry milk powder
1 1⁄2 tablespoons fine sea salt
2 teaspoons Accent seasoning (optional)
2 teaspoons egg white powder (cornstarch okay)
11 SECRET HERBS AND SPICES
1 tablespoon fresh milled tellicherry black pepper
2 1⁄2 teaspoons barbecue seasoning (use the recipe provided below)
1 1⁄2 teaspoons ground sage
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1⁄2 teaspoon ground savory
1⁄4 teaspoon crushed basil
1⁄4 teaspoon ground cloves
1⁄4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1⁄4 teaspoon ground vanilla bean
1⁄8 teaspoon ground cardamom
FOR THE BARBECUE SEASONING
1 teaspoon smoked paprika
1⁄2 teaspoon celery salt
1⁄4 teaspoon ground cumin
1⁄4 teaspoon garlic salt
1⁄4 teaspoon onion salt
1⁄4 teaspoon sweet paprika
1⁄4 teaspoon crushed parsley
1⁄4 teaspoon ground turmeric
1⁄8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
BREADING FLOUR
2 cups unbleached bread flour
DIRECTIONS
NOTES: FOR AUTHENTIC RESULTS, PREPARE RECIPE EXACTLY AS DIRECTED. MSG (ACCENT SEASONING) IS IN THE ACTUAL ORIGINAL RECIPE, BUT MAY BE OMITTED IF NECESSARY. EGG WHITE POWDER IS SOLD IN HEALTH FOOD STORES. YOU MAY SUBSTITUTE EGG WHITE POWDER WITH CORNSTARCH. FINELY GRIND REQUIRED HERBS AND SPICES SEPARATELY IN A CLEAN SPICE MILL OR COFFEE GRINDER. USE A PEPPER MILL TO MEDIUM-GRIND TELLICHERRY PEPPERCORNS. I RECOMMEND MCCORMICK BRAND TELLICHERRY BLACK PEPPER AND SMOKED PAPRIKA, SPICE ISLANDS BRAND GROUND SAGE AND CARDAMOM, SPICE APPEAL BRAND GROUND SAVORY, AND WILLIAMS-SONOMA BRAND GROUND TAHITIAN VANILLA BEAN. CHICKEN NOTES: DO NOT DOUBLE-BREAD CHICKEN SINCE IT PLACES AN EXCESS OF SODIUM AND SPICES ONTO FINAL PRODUCT AND COMPROMISES AUTHENTICITY (IF YOU INSIST ON DOUBLE-BREADING, DIFFUSE THE BREADING MIX FIRST BY ADDING A LITTLE MORE UNSEASONED FLOUR). BRINING BONELESS CHICKEN SHOULD BE DONE MUCH MORE QUICKLY (NO MORE THAN 45 MINUTES, TO AVOID OVER-SATURATION OF SALT). BONELESS CHICKEN COOKS MUCH MORE QUICKLY THAN BONE-IN CHICKEN (BE CAREFUL TO NOT OVERCOOK!). FRYING FAT NOTES: ALWAYS BEGIN WITH FRESH VEGETABLE OIL. AFTER USING LET IT COOL. FILTER, THEN REFRIGERATE TIGHTLY SEALED TO YIELD 6-12 FRYING BATCHES, REPLENISHING OIL AS NEEDED.
RINSE and blot chicken; CUT chicken into 8 pieces (or 10 pieces with breast portions cut in half); MIX 2 quarts (8 cups) cups cold water with 2 tablespoons Morton Lite Salt (OR 2 tablespoons fine sea salt), and 2 teaspoons Accent seasoning in a large container with an accompanying lid, until dissolved; ADD chicken pieces; COVER and transfer to refrigerator; MARINATE chicken at least 4 hours in refrigerator. NOTE: FOR A QUICKER STOVETOP MARINATION METHOD, PIERCE CHICKEN PIECES WELL WITH A FORK, THEN HEAT THE MARINADE WITH CHICKEN, COVERED, OVER LOW HEAT UNTIL HEATED THROUGH, TURNING ONCE).
MEASURE the BASE MIXTURE and 11 SECRET HERBS AND SPICES into a large re-sealable container (this includes the prepared BARBECUE SEASONING); BREAK up any clumps (and nonfat milk granules) using the back of a spoon; SEAL the container with mixture; SHAKE to mix well; OPEN container and add the BREADING FLOUR (2 cups unbleached bread flour), then seal the container again; SHAKE well until thoroughly combined.
REMOVE chicken from brine; PLACE one piece chicken at a time into the breading mixture container; SEAL container firmly; SHAKE chicken gently in all motions to thoroughly coat chicken until evenly and generously breaded; PLACE breaded chicken piece onto a rack to rest; REPEAT with remaining pieces chicken; ALLOW breaded chicken to absorb the breading for a few minutes before frying.
ADD the manufacturer's recommended amount frying oil for deep-frying; PLACE deep-fryer basket into place in deep-fryer; PREHEAT fryer to 315°F (or preheat enough fat to immerse chicken completely in deep heavy stovetop pot between 315°F to 325°F, using a standard deep-fryer thermometer to gauge).
CAREFULLY drop each piece breaded chicken one at a time, gently into the deep-fryer basket without crowding (if a standard size home fryer is used, add no more than 2-3 pieces at a time); (if stovetop frying, gently place breaded chicken pieces into hot oil using tongs, turning once halfway through frying duration).
FRY chicken between 15-18 minutes until golden brown and fully cooked, depending on chicken portions/sizes (juices should run clear when chicken is done); BLOT chicken lightly to absorb excess oil; PLACE cooked chicken into a large resealable container to steam (the steam will soften the breading for added Original Recipe authenticity. If you prefer crisp breading, skip this procedure).
MAINTAIN frying fat temperature for each new batch and repeat the same cooking/steaming procedures for the remaining chicken.
REHEAT chicken if necessary before serving in a microwave oven, using a reduced-power setting, as if reheating 2 frozen pastries, pausing in intervals to turn chicken for even heating if necessary.
SERVE and enjoy!
A homemade version of KFC’s™ 11 original-style fried chicken.
INGREDIENTS
1 whole chicken (2 breasts, 2 thighs, 2 drumsticks, 2 wings)
2 quarts neutral oil, for frying
1 egg white
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon brown sugar
1 tablespoon kosher salt
SPICE MIX:
1 tablespoon paprika
2 teaspoons onion salt
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon celery salt
1/2 teaspoon dried sage
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
1/2 teaspoon dried basil
1/2 teaspoon dried marjoram
DIRECTIONS
Preheat fryer to 350º F. Mix together spice mix well.
Combine spice mix with flour, brown sugar and salt.
Dip chicken pieces in egg white to lightly coat them, then transfer to flour mixture. Turn a few times and make sure the flour mix is really stuck to the chicken. Repeat with all the chicken pieces.
Let chicken pieces rest for 5 minutes so crust has a chance to dry a bit.
Fry chicken in batches. Breasts and wings should take 12-14 minutes and legs and thighs will need a few more minutes. I always recommend testing the chicken with a meat thermometer (it should reach 165º F in the thickest part of the chicken).
Let chicken drain on a few paper towels when it comes out of the fryer.
Trademarks referred to herein are the properties of their respective owners.
Author: LeighAnne Wilkes
Serves: 20 bars
Ingredients
½ C butter, cold
1 C flour
¼ C powdered sugar
1 C sugar
2 Tbsp flour
½ tsp baking powder
2 eggs, beaten
2 Tbsp lemon juice
grated rind of 1 lemon
¾ C powdered sugar
lemon juice to make soft glaze
Instructions
Cut together butter, flour and powdered sugar and press into 8 x 8 pan.
Bake for 15 minutes at 350 degrees.
Mix together sugar, flour and baking powder
Add in eggs, lemon juice and lemon rind
Pour this mixture over baked crust and bake for 20-25 minutes at 350 degrees or until edges are golden brown and mixture is set.
Mix together powdered sugar with enough lemon juice to make glaze soft enough to drizzle over lemon bars while they are still warm.
Cool and cut.
Norns under Yggdrasil by L B Hansen
Welcome to the March, and my final, article for ‘The Pagan and the Pen’.
The topic this month is the ‘Web of Wyrd’, rather fitting I think. You will see what I mean as we go on. Today, I’ve asked Austin “Auz” Lawrence to give his comments on what the ‘Web of Wyrd’ is, but first, a little about Auz.
‘Austin Lawrence is active in the Pagan community of Ontario, Canada. He has worn a hammer continuously for the last 14 years. Austin is a civil servant with a Master’s degree in Anthropology. He is a member of the American Vinland Association and is an oathed goði, who serves sometimes as a Heathen officiate for rites of passage, an advisor to seekers on resources and lore, a counsellor to friends in local kindreds, but mainly as a land steward for sacred space and as a facilitator of gatherings. Austin is one of the coordinators of Canada’s largest Pagan gatherings, the Kaleidoscope Gathering. He is also a steward of Raven’s Knoll, a campground at which Pagan and Heathen gatherings are held, where sacred sites have been established for the use of our community.’
Wyrd
Hail to you.
In Heathenry, concepts of fate and predestination are complex and varied. In the modern context, as probably in the ancient world, there are many different opinions on the subject and much misunderstanding. Edain has invited me to provide you with a few words introducing to you how I view the concept of wyrd.
The Word Wyrd
The word wyrd is a noun in Old English from the verb weorþan, which means “to become.” In Old Norse the term is urðr. The term harkens back to a common root word in all Germanic languages, and has been reconstructed as the Proto-Indo-European root *wert– “to turn, rotate.” It is associated with the Old English weorþ, with the meaning of “worth” in the sense of “value, amount due” as well as “honour, earned esteem.”
The Norns
The single concept of wyrd was the main focus of most writing in the Anglo-Saxon regarding fate, likely because it was appropriated and re-defined to more closely match Christian theology after the conversion of the Anglo-Saxons. Wyrd is also the most basic concept of fate that is elaborated in Scandinavian belief through a more mythologically complex understanding of fate.
In the Old Norse tradition, there are three mythological women that personify fate. In Gylfaginning 14, Snorri Sturluson,* writes: “Under the ash near the spring stands a beautiful hall; three maidens come out of this hall whose names are Urd, Verdandi, and Skul; these maidens determine the life of men; we call them norns.”
The names of the three Norns are often roughly translated as Past, Present, and Future. However, their true nature differs in important ways from a common understanding in modern English. From the verb verða (to be), comes the name Urðr for “became” and Verdandi for “becoming,” as well as Skuld with the sense of “shall be, intended, debt owed.”
The action of the laws of fate that the Norns embody is portrayed through the metaphor of women continuously weaving in passages of the Völuspá, and throughout skaldic literature and later folklore. It is by weaving that the Norns lay down ørlǫg. The term comes from the word ór with the sense of “out, from, beyond” and “primal, ancient” combined with the word lǫg with the meaning of “law” and the sense of “layers, precedent.” Ørlǫg is both a process of becoming and a completed thing. (In Anglo-Saxon contexts often the term wyrd comes to stand for some combination of ørlǫg and urðr.)
The Norns are not known to be related to either the Æsir gods or the adversaries of the Gods the jotunar. Nor do any clear accounts of their origin exist. The Norns personify time and action, yet they exist outside of time. Even the most powerful of the Norse gods, Óðinn – he who rules the home of the gods in Asgarð and created the world from the jotun Ymir’s body – will eventually die because of the course of events. The forces of fate that the Norns embody, apply to everyone; even a god that gave shape to the world we live in. As one Old English poem states it: “Wyrd bið ful aræd.” (Wyrd remains completely inexorable.)
Time, Wyrd and Ethics
In modern English, concepts of fate and predestination are terms with roots in the Romance languages, often now infected with Christian theology. In Romance languages past tenses are conjugated as compounds, while future tenses are single word conjugations. In Germanic languages, the past tense is a single word conjugation, while the future is a compound conjugation. Bauschatz observes that this distinction embodies a fundamental difference in how fate is viewed in the two worldviews. In essence, the Germanic worldview weights ‘fixed reality’ to the past, while Romance language cultures weight ‘fixed reality’ to the future.
The way I see it, everything that I am physically (human evolution, the genetic happenstance of my family tree) and mentally (ideas learned through culture, education, being socialized in a family, psychological reactions to life events) is the result of the past. Although a product of the past that is more than me, I am still a unique being with my own free will. This free will, however, is constrained by all that I am and all that I encounter in my life. All of which is the product of the past. But, part of ørlǫg is our unique decisions. As we act, so the Norns do weave.
I personally experience the Heathen view of fate in this way: We live in an eternal present that is the sum of all past action. The past very clearly and definitely exists and cannot be changed, as it is the basis for all reality, what our consciousness views as “right now.” The past cannot be changed. The future, however, is not fixed. (Nor, does it actually ever arrive since it is always “today.”) But, the future is predetermined in a manner. The future is constrained by what has occurred in the past, since action in the past is constrained by that “which is,” the wyrd that gives form to all present reality and options. Due to wyrd things are bound to happen.
There are deeper mysteries and philosophical implications to the Heathen view of fate than anything I have presented here. It is all rather wyrd and confusing, but life is like that! What Heathens tend to focus on is trying to embody what they believe is good character in their action, the virtues, since this is what our tradition teaches is the best way to meet the debt that past action has determined is owed. At the least, as strophe 23 in the Hávamál reminds us, there is no use staying awake at night worrying about the past. It is better not to worry, get some sleep, and in the morning meet the day as the best person you can be and do something about whatever might be troubling you.
Heilir þeirs hlýddu!
Austin “Auz” Lawrence
* Snorri Sturluson was a 12th century Icelandic politician, poet and antiquarian who wrote down a vast body of pre-Christian Scandinavian lore and myth in what has come to be known as “The Prose Edda.”
Selected Sources
The Oxford English Dictionary.
The Poetic Edda.
Bauschatz. The Well and the Tree: World and Time in Early Germanic Culture
Mitchell and Robinson. A Guide to Old English.
Simek. Dictionary of Northern Mythology.
Sturluson. The Prose Edda.
Zoëga. A Concise Dictionary of Old Icelandic.
A huge thank you to my special guest, Auz, for taking the time to share his thoughts. His description and interpretation of the Web of Wyrd is excellent, in my opinion.
Well, I hope you have enjoyed the twelve glimpses into Heathen life during the past year. I’d promised to write articles for one year and then to re-evaluate my time, as I knew many of my writing and publishing projects would be coming to a head after that year. As predicted, my projects are rapidly moving into the fast lane and I will no longer have the time to donate to this column. A huge thank you to the owner and writers of The Pagan and Pen for allowing me to ramble on for this last year and for the excellent company along the way.:)
I wish you all peaceful and safe travels along your strands of the Web and hope the Norns give you a wonderful and interesting life.
Blessings to your Hearth,
Edain
Edain Duguay.com
Paranormal/Fantasy Novelist, Best Selling eBook Author and Award Winning Blog Writer.
The Working Moon
Every magikal practitioner should know which days to work and which to take off. Which moon phases are best for what kind of casting and which are for rest. These guidelines are not cast in stone and certainly if you have a friend in dire need of healing, you don't need to wait until the next Waxing Moon to cast. But for some of the best results, here are a few guidelines, interesting tid-bits, and helpful information.
Moon Facts
Working With The Phases Of The Moon
The Blue Moon
The Red Blood Moon
Gardening By Moon Sign
When The Moon Rises
The Monthly Full Moon / Moon Names
Moon Facts
Picture the movement of the moon in terms of a clock whose hands are moving backward. The moon rests on the clock's hour hand, Earth sits at the clock's center, while the sun shines far off in the direction of 12 o'clock. As the moon orbits counterclockwise around Earth, its position relative to the sun and Earth changes, giving us the varied phases of the moon. Each phase of the moon lasts approximately 5 days.
The New Moon:
The first phase in the lunar cycle is the new moon. The moon is positioned between the sun and Earth at 12 o'clock. From Earth, the sun and moon appear to be in the same part of the sky and will rise and set together. The side of the moon that receives the sun's light is facing away from Earth, so no moon is visible to us on Earth's surface. On a very clear night, you might be able to make out a faint gray outlined view of the moon. This comes from the light of the sun being refracted off the Earth and back out to the moon.
One day after the new moon, a faint sliver outline can be seen low on the western horizon at sunset. The moon has moved from new to a waxing crescent phase. As the moon continues in its counterclockwise orbit, the crescent grows larger, or waxes. One week later, the moon reaches its second primary phase, the first quarter moon. Accordingly, the moon has moved one quarter of the way around Earth.
The First Quarter:
At the first quarter, the moon sits at 9 o'clock. The sun, Earth, and moon form a right triangle on the left side of the clock. Here only half of the moon's disk is illuminated. At first quarter, the moon rises 6 hours after the sun – at about noon. It reaches its highest point at sundown and sets around midnight. That means the moon can be seen during daylight hours in the afternoon.
For several days after first quarter, the moon continues to wax but it is in a waxing gibbous phase instead of a waxing crescent. A gibbous moon is more than a quarter moon but less than a full moon. During this phase, the moon moves from 9 o'clock to 6 o'clock on the dial, and the sun-Earth-moon angle is getting larger – just like the moon's phase.
The Full Moon:
When the moon reaches its 6 o'clock position, the phase is full. The side of the moon that faces Earth is fully illuminated – that large circle of light a certain two-year-old child (my son) called the moon ball. On the clock, the sun, Earth, and moon form a straight line. From Earth, the sun and moon appear to be at opposite ends of the sky. So as the sun sets, the moon rises. The full moon is now visible all night.
Once it's past full, the moon moves from 6 o'clock to 3 o'clock and the sun-Earth-moon angle begins to shrink. The moon's phase is also getting smaller. It's moving from waning gibbous to its third- or last-quarter phase.
The Last Quarter Moon:
This third-quarter moon sits at 3 o'clock on the phase dial, where the sun-Earth-moon angle is once again 90°, but this time it's on the right side of the clock. From Earth, we see half of the moon's disk illuminated – the side opposite as the one illuminated at first quarter. A third-quarter moon rises about six hours after the sun sets, reaches its highest point in the southern sky at dawn, and sets at about noon.
As the moon orbits Earth (the inner circle) its position relative to the sun and Earth changes. This causes the lunar phases we see in our sky (the outer circle). In the week after the third quarter, the moon moves through its waning crescent phase to it's dark phase.
The Dark Moon:
About 3 to 5 days before the eventual return to the new moon phase, where the cycle begins again, the moon enters a dark phase. The moon sits at about 2:30 on the dial. Here the moon is neither illuminated by the sun (in a crescent phase), nor is it able to reflect the light of the sun providing an outline of it's surface (as in the new moon phase). It is truly dark and seemingly has disappeared from the sky.
Working With The Phases Of The Moon
Each phase of the moon brings with it a special energy for that phase of the lunar cycle. Everyone knows the moon affects the tides of the worlds oceans, but because we are mostly liquid ourselves, these phases also affect us. Understanding what these energies bring, help you to connect with and use those energies in your magikal rituals, meditations and even your daily life.
The New Moon phase is best used for personal growth, healing and blessing of new projects or ventures. It's also a good time to cleanse and consecrate new tools and objects you wish to use during rituals, ceremonies or an up coming festival.
- 1st Quarter -
The Waxing moon is best used for attraction magik, inner love spells, protection for couples and healing energy for couples. What you want to attract to yourself and your path can be enhanced during this phase of the moon.
The Full Moon is best used for banishing unwanted influences in your life. Think of it as 'shining a light' on issues or challenges. It can also be a good time for creating protection magik and performing divination. You can use this time for releasing old patterns or issues, and open the door for healing by giving energy to positive patterns you'll put in place. Full Moon magik can be conjured during the 3 days prior to the rise of the Full Moon, the night of the Full Moon and during the 3 days after.
- Last Quarter -
The Waning moon is used for banishing and rejecting those things that influence us in a negative way. Negative emotions, diseases, ailments, and bad habits can all be let go and special spells for clearing negative energies from the self, home, ritual circle, tools and so on can be performed at this time. Simply remember that when you remove an energy, you want to fill the void with a more positive energy. So this is also a good time to consecrate the future with what you want it to be as you move forward.
- Void Of Course -
The Dark Moon period occurs 3 days prior to the New Moon and it's the shortest 'phase' of the moon. This is the time when you can't see the moon in any phase. Typically no magik is performed during this time. This is the time to give yourself a break, to turn to self and pamper or replenish your own energies. Vision quests and deep meditations are called for at this time to focus on personal matters, questions and answers. The Void of Course moon is not recognized through astronomical means, it's purely a nature based observance or astrological phase.
A Lunar eclipse occurs when the moon passes into the Earth's shadow. This type of eclipse does not occur every year. But when it does, it's a wonderful and magikal night. It lasts for only a few hours, so you need to plan your rituals well in advance. A lunar eclipse on a full moon is perfect for all purposes. Simply plan your spells to coordinate with the passing shadow. When the moon is in full eclipse, treat those few moments as if the moon were in it's Dark phase. Some practitioners forgo magik work all together and use this time to honor the Goddess in a special ritual.
The Penumbral moon occurs when the moon passes into the outer shadow of the earth. This type of eclipse is hard to spot unless the moon is 70% into that shadow. These type of eclipses are more common and generally occur at least once a year. When you can see it, the lower part of the moon becomes distorted. During a waning phase for instance, the lower half of the moon will look blurred or smudged. Once again it's a special night. This is the perfect night to honor the magik of the Goddess. No work or casting, just thankfulness and gratitude.
You can find a complete listing of this years Moon Phases on the Pagan's Path moon calendar.
Back To The Index The Blue Moon
A "Blue Moon" occurs when two full moons happen in one calendar month. Since the phase period of the moon is 29.5 days, you usually only have one full moon each month. But each month it's a little earlier than the previous month and eventually you'll find 2 full moons in a single month. This occurs about every 2.5 years, and the second full moon is called the "blue moon". There is no physical difference in appearance, the second full moon looks like a regular full moon.
According to folklorists, the term "Blue Moon" is at least 400 years old. The earliest known references to a blue moon were intended as examples of improbable events or something that could never happen. As time passed the expression evolved to mean something that rarely or never happened. Hence the expression "Once in a Blue Moon" which is still popular today.
In the pagan community, the origins of the meaning of a Blue Moon vary. And the legend or origin of these meanings cannot be substantiated. However, some believe the second full moon holds the knowledge of the Grandmother Goddess (or the Crone) and therefore contains the wisdom of the 3-fold the energy. This can be associated with the Goddess in her 3 forms of Maiden, Mother, Crone. It can also be associated with the 3 natures of self as Mind, Body, Spirit. In later evolutions as paganism began to be influenced by Christianity, this moon was associated with the Divine Trinity of Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
In other pagan traditions the phases of the moon represent the transition of knowledge within the Goddess. The quarter moons representing the Maiden Goddess, the New Moon the Mother Goddess, the Full Moon the Grand Mother Goddess (which maybe one reason we refer to the moon as "Grandmother Moon". The Blue Moon then is seen as the transition of the Grandmother or Crone to the Divine level of existence. She becomes an expression of evolution of wisdom, as well as an example of the circle of life.
Another view is that the Blue Moon represents a time of heightened or clearer communication between our physical being and the Divine. Often the energy of the Divine is seen in the form of the Grandmother Goddess or the Crone Goddess. It can also be viewed as a link between the physical (masculine energy) and the spiritual (feminine energy), making communication with spirit easier and more apt to yield insightful and enlightened communications.
Back To The Index The Red Blood Moon
According to NASA and "folklore, October's full moon is called the "Hunter's Moon" or sometimes the "Blood Moon." It gets its name from hunters who tracked and killed their prey by autumn moonlight, stockpiling food for the winter ahead. You can picture them: silent figures padding through the forest, the moon overhead, pale as a corpse, its cold light betraying the creatures of the wood."
There are many different correspondence tables for Moon Names. But most do agree on the alias "Blood Moon" during the three months of fall when hunting and harvesting take place.
Today the Blood Moon is typically associated with the first full moon nearest the Autumn Equinox, for us in the Northern Hemisphere that occurs in October. But it can occur as early as September (The Fruit Moon), and as late as November (The Beaver Moon) as the Earth tilts back away from the sun. Consequently these same affects can be seen in the Southern Hemisphere on the opposite side of the year, corresponding to the full moons of March, April and May.
Observances During The Blood Moon:
During the autumn months, The Blood Moon represents abundance, hunting, gathering and preparing for the cold winter months. It's a time to honor the Harvest and Hunting Gods/Goddesses. Many festivals take place during this time to give thanks and appreciation for the bounty and stockpiles of plenty gathered by a clan or tribe. The Feast of the Hunter's Moon is a long standing practice in Indiana where a living Native American history re-enactment takes place. But similar events can be found around the world and with varying names.
From a magikal point of view, the same concepts can be enacted today for these full moons rituals. They can be used to bring abundance into your life in the form of finances, harvest, health, friendship and love. And to give thanks and honoring the blessings of the Harvest.
A Blood Moon Eclipse:
Occasionally, we can find a rare Blood Moon lunar eclipse. This can occur anytime of the year. But how does it happen? Well the Earth casts a long shadow that extends out into space. When the moon passes behind the Earth, opposite of the Sun, (in other words Earth is in the middle), we cast a long shadow that hides the moon. That's what a lunar eclipse is.
Now let's say you had a space ship and traveled out between the Earth and the Moon during an eclipse. Look out the window back at Earth and you'll be looking at the dark side. The Earth will be in silhouette and what you're seeing is every sunrise and sunset on Earth--all at once. This ring of light shines into Earth's shadow, breaking the utter darkness you might expect to find there. Turn off the cockpit lights and look at the Moon and there's a lovely red glow.
What's in the Earths atmosphere will also affect the color or shade of red reflected on the Moon. According to NASA, following a volcanic eruption, for instance, dust and ash can turn global sunsets vivid red. The moon would glow vivid red, too. Lots of clouds, on the other hand, extinguish sunsets, leading to darker, dimmer eclipses. The Moon can shine as Pumpkin Orange to Deep Blood Red all depending on the Earth's weather or natural events.
Observances During The Blood Moon Eclipse:
Since an eclipse is an extra special event, it has a special energy and observance. Especially when it's a rare Blood Moon eclipse. These special occasions are used for honoring and celebrating life, or the blood flow of life. This energy of the moon can be used to energize fertility, abundance, or communicate with spirit.
Gardening By Moon Sign
Placement of the moon in the heavens through astrology is not the same as it's physical placement through astronomy. In earlier times, farmers used a solar, lunar and astrological calendar to ensure the proper planting period for their gardens and fields. Here in the U.S. Benjamin Franklin published the first horoscopes in his Philadelphia daily, which included a monthly entry concerning gardening.
Planting
The water signs are the best for planting. When the moon is in Cancer, Scorpio, or Pisces are the best times. But Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn can be follow-up alternatives. Weeding and Plowing
When the moon moves into Aries, Gemini, Leo Sagittarius and Aquarius, remove weeds and inspect your plants for pests.
Transplanting and Grafting
Transplanting and Grafting are best done when the moon enters Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. Pruning
Pruning is best done during Aries, Leo or Sagittarius. Try to schedule your pruning during a waxing moon to encourage growth.
Keep it clean and mended
Clean out your shed during a Virgo moon to help the work move along smoothly. Mend fences, gardening stakes and beds during a Capricorn moon. Ect.
Avoid making decisions when the moon is in Libra.
When The Moon Rises
Moon rises occur about 50 minutes later each day than the day before. Moon rises can occur at night as well as during the day. But the best way to put it into memory is a good ole time folk tale:
The new Moon always rises at sunrise
And the first quarter at noon.
The full Moon always rises at sunset
And the last quarter at midnight.
The star , known as a Pentagram or Pentacle, has come to have great meaning and power over the decades to both Pagan and others. It has remained, regardless of religion, in some way or form.
But where did it surface from? What does it mean? And what does it continue to stand for?
The star itself can be traced back to Ancient times as nearly every culture laid claim to it. The Goddess Kore, who was worshipped by the Pythagorean mystics knew that if you cut an apple crosswise, it revealed the star in its center marked by her sacred seeds.
Some ancients called it the star of Ishtar, of Isis, of Nephthys. While in some cultures it meant life and health, in Egypt, it came to represent the underground womb. And even still, from there it’s uses and purposes grew. In Babylon, they were famous for drawing the star on pots and pottery invoking its power to help preserve what was in them. Even those of biblical times, adapted the power of the star as being the first holy sign of their seven seals. Why even King Solomon’s legendary magic ring was made of a star.
While the upright star also symbolized the Goddess, it brought protection and knowledge. While Christians today will make the sign of a cross over their chest, Ancient Pagans would make the sign of the pentagram over theirs.
Start at the left breast, then to forehead, then right breast, then left shoulder, right shoulder, then end it at the left breast. This symbolized not only protection but completion.
Pretty neat, hu?
Over time, though, the meaning of the star changed, and even today, many Pagans and non-Pagans forgot it’s origins. We have been taught to fear the star, especially when we see it represented in this way.
Pentacle 2 But in Ancient times, the upside down star simply represented the God. It especially became popular when a man was placed in the center, calling him “He of the five shapes.” Also known as the horned God, representing four horned and sacred animals: the bull, ram, goat, and stag. The fifth shape was that of a man.
This was adapted by Satanists sometime later, and then the stereotypes and fear grew from there for whatever reason. (Usually misrepresentation, lack of knowledge, or speculation.) But back in the day, the Horned god nor the upside down star ever represented anything evil or frightening.
Sadly, though, even today, many Pagans do not know the origins of the upside down star. A perfect example– I did a newsletter some odd years ago, using a piece of Royo art to set it off. The warrior woman had on a necklace with an upside down star on it. To me, the woman represented the Goddess and the star, the God. But sure enough I was slammed with angry and offended emails wondering why I would shatter the image of Paganism by using something so evil as the upside down star.
However, focused on what our Ancient Ancestors would do…and On a more positive note…when the two stars are intertwined like so…
Pentacle 3 They represented the union of the God and the Goddess joining. This symbol was often used in marriages between Pagans, as in some cultures, the woman represented the Goddess, and the man, the God…so by bringing them together, they each represented the sacred union and joining of both.
This, nine pointed star has also come to mean the Tree of Life, or the moon inside the tree of life. It represents balance, guidance and inspiration. It symbolizes completion, eternity, as well as nine being a popular number in Ancient times.
From the Ancient Egyptians, to the Celts, the star was held high and kept close. from story to legend, to family crest, the star made its mark. Gawain was said to carry the pentacle as it was painted on his shield–representing Morgan. Hermetic Magicians used the star within their model of man because from Ancient to previous times, the star meant, among other things,….knowledge.
Those of law enforcement move behind that of a star. Many flags– American, Iraq, Australia, and more show stars. Why, one of the most popular decorations right now happens to be the Primitive Star. I can’t drive through a neighborhood without seeing a gazillion of them hanging on people’s homes. From Barns, to weather vanes…the star has survived the test of time…and for those who make note of them in your life, maybe they will give you a deeper meaning, now that you know some of their grand origins.
The raspberry doesn’t get very creative where Folk Names are concerned. It’s either called, European Raspberry, or , Red Raspberry. And as far as Mountain Lore goes, it wasn’t nothing to bat an eye at if you happened to see a Granny Woman hang a few of the branches along the doorways or windows. This meant a death had come. With all that sittin’ up with the Dead stuff, and the coverin’ of mirrors, no one wanted to see a “Spirit” re-enter a home. That’s where the branches came into play.
Hanging the branches meant Protection.
It came as no surprise when I read that Raspberry leaves were carried by women to relieve them of some of the pain and discomfort during pregnancy. From a medicine standpoint, Raspberries and the Leaves have quite a bit of an affect on women. But before we get to that, let’s throw one more fact out there.
Most people don’t know it but the raspberry is actually part of the “Rose” Family. The leaves from this shrub can help with a good many things—intestinal problems such as diarrhea, sore throats, menstrual cramps and problems…even bronchitis. The tea can also ease flu symptoms, tonsillitis, strengthen gums, stomach upset and nausea.
The best way to preserve the leaves is by drying. Once dried, for use in a tea, simply crush and soak them in cold water. (1 tsp. per cup). Let it soak for a few hours and then boil for ten minutes. Strain and drink.
Never drink the tea while pregnant.
This is one of the reasons the ol’ wives tale of carrying the leaves while pregnant to relieve some of the pain during pregnancy was interesting to me. Seems the more and more I dig into Mountain Lore, the more linked it is to actual medicine—in some way or another.
Could it be, women carried the leaves in case contractions began?
The leaves are said to stimulate the uterus and bring about labor. One may use the tea once contractions begin but only under a Doctor’s supervision.
1 cup.
That being said, was that the real reason women carried the leaves and not because of some superstition? Or did the medical aspect become hidden within’ silly, superstitious lore?
I often wonder about that. History cries endless and unknowable numbers of the horrific murders of women, who were punished for things like witchcraft. When in truth, they simply had a knowledge to use the things in Nature many overlooked in order to heal. In certain communities, like those of the Appalachian Mountains, how many would have died if it were not for these Mountain Crones or Granny Women and their knowledge of plants? Doctors were not falling from the sky in abundant buckets. They were few and far between. And with so many women burned, drowned or tortured for their “knowin’ of things” did they protect that knowledge by camouflaging it with silly, little, absurd things like carrying a leaf in one’s pocket? Just a thought.
So let’s get down to some Facts, shall we?
Raspberry leaves have been used in medicine as far back as 37 A.D. Written documents date all the way back to Rome.
file000396551993Raspberry leaves have something in them called Tannins. Tannins are pretty cool things and can be found in most vegetables and fruit. The leaves, when dried, are when Tannins pack a punch. By definition, Tannins are various complex phenolic substances of plant origin; used both in tanning and in medicine. The Tannin in Raspberry leaves have astringent effects – as do most tanins elsewhere. It’s the astringent that aids in the antidiarrheal and anti-inflammatory super-powers of the leaves. Did you know it can also help stop bleeding? Who knew all that existed beyond what we normally focus on—the sweet, delicious berry?
Raspberry Leaves contain Potassium, Vitamins A & C, Phosphorus and Calcium.
Now, let’s get down to the healing.
By drinking the tea, in cases of Diarrhea, it’s the astringents which aid the most. They relieve the irritation on the intestinal walls, which means they help with the irritation brought on by the diarrhea. You must make sure the tea is super-packed with tannins, though, for this to work, which means, soak the leaves in water for at least 10 minutes. For cramps that sometimes come with diarrhea, use 2 oz. of the Leaves and 1 1/2 oz. of Peppermint.
Heavy Menstrual Bleeding
2/3 oz. Raspberry Leaves
2/3 oz. Oak Bark
1/3 oz. Yarrow
2/3 oz. Wild Strawberry Leaves
Use 1 tsp. of this mixture per cup of hot water or hip bath. It is supposed to normalize bleeding and the leaves may also help with cramps.
Inflamed Skin
Wash face with 3 tbsp. of leaves that has been added to 1 quart of water and boiled for 10 minutes. (Allow to cool of course) and then wash area several times a day. The tannins are said to shrink blood vessels and prevent bacterial infections. Can also stimulate skin regeneration.
Sore Throat
1 tsp. of raspberry leaves to 1 cup of water. Let steep ten minutes. Gargle several times a day. Add calendula flowers and sage leaves to pack an extra punch.
Eliminate Toxins from the body
Equal mixture of Dandelion Root, Raspberry Leaves and Fumitory green parts. Add one tsp. to 1 cup of boiling water – steep 10 minutes. Drink 3 times a day.
Lore
Raspberries are feminine in nature and represent the Planet, Venus. Their element is water and their powers are said to be love and protection.
Actually, scratch that. While Cinderella was a tale spun long ago, it’s origins and true meaning grow even deeper.
In fact, did you know that the original story may have even been meant as Prophecy?
Cinderella was a story told by Pagans. Cinderella was “Ella” or, Hel. Hel, as in the daughter born of Mother Earth.
Also known as Helle, who’s fires of renewal would reduce one to “Cinders”. Hence the name, Cinder -Ella.
The Nasty Stepmother was code for the “New” Church. The “Ugly Stepsisters” were really the powers behind the throne– the Aristocracy and Clergy supporting the New Church by way of Military and other means.
The tale went like this….
Cinderella’s mother, the Earth, gave her daughter a “Fairy Tree”, which would later become spun as a Fairy Godmother. The tree gave Cinderella Golden Apples– Apples being a VERY important part of Pagan lore— and various other gifts. Beautiful garments, the slippers. You get the idea.
The Prince was actually symbolic for “Mankind”. With the gifts from the Fairy Tree, Cinderella was beautiful and like the story we know today, this enchanted beauty won the love of the Prince — the love of mankind.
Did this mean the New Church would lose it’s favor and the ways of the Goddess would find itself anew, would survive the powers attempting to crush her and remain beloved of the people? That’s my own personal speculation. Nothing written in stone.
Now, back to it….
Where did the glass slipper come into play? Well, that was actually a ritual in days of old, a sexual innuendo, if you will. The entire thing represented the Union. In certain cultures, working a phallic object into a woman’s shoe signified a sacred marriage.
Some theorize that the “glass” slipper was symbolic of the “Crystal” Cave. Men, or heroes, would enter the underworld — this Cave– which again, had great meaning. In fact, Ill have to type up another article soon on, Cave– yep, that much meaning behind it.
There were many Prophecies in Medieval times which spoke of the rich and powerful being tossed off their high horses. Overthrown by the very people feeling the grunt of their blows. Having the Great Mother reach beyond the Underworld, ridding them of these awful threats. Aiding them from the beyond. Having her own Daughter as a Champion– well, you can imagine the attractiveness of it all.
And Pagans learned long ago, in order to protect and hide their message, it was easier to create a fictional story– a deeply-seeded symbolic one– to hide it’s truth and camouflage it, if you will, within colorful imagery.
Do you think they knew it would survive such a long test of time or are we doomed to repeat ourselves — an old history bleeding into our present one. Are there lessons to be learned that apply to us today? How far would this prophecy go?
Just something to think about.
For the simple fact that when night falls softly over the world, so does a Daisy shut its eye. Even on shady days, a Daisy is known not to even peek.
In Latin, the Daisy’s name is Bellis Perennis, meaning “beautiful.” The reason I’m including the Daisy in our Medical Plant List, is that it grows everywhere– Europe, Asia, North America, etc–and is very easy to find.
The Daisy, often thought of as a weed much like Dandelion, will grow absolutely anywhere: paths, lawns, wooded areas, meadows. Accused of being a stubborn weed or not, doesn’t change the fact that for decades, this plant has been well admired and used from folklore to remedies.
Daisies contain something called saponines and tannins , both really good stuff. Saponines are famous for kick starting and stimulating the old metabolism, by way of the liver and gallbladder. While also being famous for helping the appetite and having a mild analgesic (pain killer), antispasmodic (relieving muscle spasms) effect, as well as aiding gastrointestinal (stomach and intestines) functioning. And Tannins, the miraculous good stuff which is also found in Green and Black teas, is considered a bitter astringent, toning tissues and helping to remove the body of toxins. (Note: This is why many age defying creams now have green tea in them.)
Now, while you won’t find doctors writing out prescriptions of Daisies, in Folk Medicine the plant was treasured. Not only for its pain killing effects, metabolism support, and or all of the wonders I listed above, but also for its ability to purify the blood, relief of gout, rheumatism, lung congestion, illumination of swellings, bruises, varicose veins, sprained muscles, healing of wounds, and many infections including that of flu and bronchitis.
The fresh flowers, leaves, and stems can all be dried, stored, and saved for Medical purposes.
Tea for Metabolism:
1 cup of boiling water for every teaspoon of dried flowers and leaves. Let it soak for ten minutes, then strain. Drink two to three times a day and remember, the tea can be mixed with other Metabolism supporting herbs as well.
Compresses:
Take a washcloth and soak it in Daisy tea (warm or cold–whichever is needed). Then, place the cloth over the desired area.
Tincture:
Soak 1 oz of the dried Daisy in 5 oz of Vodka for a total of two weeks, shaking it up every day. Strain and then store in a closed bottle. Take twenty-forty drops 3 times a day.
And now to reflect back on all our ancestors who were Mountain Mommas and Granny Women.
Wear a Daisy and you will attract love.
Sleep with a daisy underneath your pillow and your lover will return to you.
Resources:
The Complete Guide to Natural Healing
Wikipedia
Gardening the Daisy
FOLKMEDICINEGRANNY WITCHESGRANNY WOMENHEALINGHEALING DAISYREMEDIES
ARTICLES, COLUMN: WOMEN, HEALING & LORE, HEALING & LORE
WOMEN, HEALING & LORE: BLACK & GREEN TEA
JUNE 17, 2016 CASEY HARRIS LEAVE A COMMENT
While coffee can sponge up the vitamins in your body, black and green tea have the opposite effect. Now if you don’t know what black and green tea is—think Lipton Tea (something popular in the States) Lipton tea is made of black and green tea.
Black Tea . . .
is tea that has been fermented. It can be found in any tea isle of any grocery store. Some popular varieties are : Breakfast teas, Orange pekoe, Darjeeling, and so on.
Unlike coffee, the lower amounts of caffeine in black tea help blood flow in the brain (alertness) without putting pressure on the heart. The tea has something in it called Tannins–which is an astringent (a chemical causing retraction of body tissues and canals–Word Web) found naturally in many herbs which have soothing anti-inflammatory effects on a person’s digestive tract. Tannins also help the mind. Black tea also has small traces of Fluoride and is said to help tooth decay–so again, way better than coffee.
Black Tea can stop diarrhea—steep a cup of water for 15 minutes –this makes sure the tannins leave the tea and enter the cup–drink unsweetened.
Black Tea can lower cholesterol levels–drink 2 cups of black tea everyday for 3 weeks.
Green Tea comes from the same plant as Black tea only its not been fermented. And sometimes, certain types of Green tea is lightly roasted.
Green Tea . . .
has many of the same qualities as Black tea–the same tannins, prevention of tooth decay, lower blood pressure, detoxification, anti-inflammatory, improves concentration, invigorates the body, and lowers the rick of heart disease and some types of cancer.
To lesson the caffeine in Green tea–pour some water over the leaves before putting them in your cup. Strain the water off after 30 seconds. Caffeine is the first to flood any cup of water–the longer the tea soaks, though, the more tannins enter the cup.
For those who are trying to quit drinking coffee, green tea seems to help since it has a slight bitter taste.
HEALING EFFECTS OF BLACK AND GREEN TEA
ARTICLES, COLUMN: WOMEN, HEALING & LORE, HEALING & LORE
HEALING & LORE: THE WILD STRAWBERRY
JUNE 10, 2016 CASEY HARRIS LEAVE A COMMENT
https://thecrowinhen.files.wordpress.com/2016/03/e00c719e570f50bb1bb3a796fe370a8c.jpg?w=278&h=407The Wild Strawberry is apart of the “Rose” family. You should start seeing the berries around June. The seeds are actually the fruit. When you harvest the Wild Strawberry, you want to take the leaves, berries, and roots. When you dry these out, keep them out of humidity and dampness.
Leaves and Roots…
Tannins live in the leaves and roots. Tannins can be found in most vegetables and fruit. The leaves, when dried, are when Tannins pack a punch. By definition, Tannins are various complex phenolic substances of plant origin; used both in tanning and in medicine. The Tannin in leaves have astringent effects – as do most tannins elsewhere. It’s the astringent that aids in the antidiarrheal and anti-inflammatory super-powers of the leaves.
What’s in the Berries?
www.bluffviewnursery.orgThe berries have 60 milligrams of Vitamin C per 100 grams of fruit. Not to mention the Minerals, Potassium, Magnesium, Zinc, Manganese, Calcium, Zinc and Fruit Acids. The leaves of Wild Strawberries also have:
Triterpene Alcohols (Anti-Inflammatory)
Flavonoids (Powerful Antioxidants)
Citral (Lemony Scent)
Essential Oils
What to do with it?
red-wonder-wild-strawberry-75-seeds-3.gifAmerican Indians used the root for jaundice, stomach ailments and and heavy bleeding during menstruation—again, much like Raspberry Leaves.
For sore throats, gargle 1/4 cup chopped leaves to 1/2 cup boiling water. Steep for 30 minutes.
For sunburn, apply crushed berries. Leave for 10-20 minutes.
For diarrhea, add 1 gram root to 1/2 cup cold water. Heat and steep for 30 minutes. Drink 2 cups daily, 1 before each meal.
Now, what sort of Mountain Lore or Folk Lore surrounds the strawberry?
It was known for two things: Love and Luck. Perhaps one of the reasons Strawberries are a must during a romantic interlude is because back in the day, if someone was in love with you or if you were in love with someone else, you would give or serve them strawberries.
If you wanted luck, stuff your pockets with the leaves.
And like Raspberry Leaves, pregnant women often carried a small packet of the Strawberry leaf to help ease pain.
Faience snake goddess figurine from Knossos
After people find out what modern Minoan Paganism is, their next question usually has something to do with the wheel of the year. The Minoan sacred year is a little different from the more well-known Wiccan-based eightfold calendar.
You may be familiar with the eight sabbats that many modern Pagan paths have as the basis for their calendar: Imbolc, Spring Equinox, Beltane, Summer Solstice, Lammas, Autumn Equinox, Samhain, and Winter Solstice. Under various names and guises, this set of festivals has become the standard for a wide variety of traditions. But it’s a modern calendar, constructed from several different sets of older European sacred days. The Minoan sacred year isn’t nearly this neat-and-tidy, but it still holds a range of interesting festivals that date back to the second millennium BCE or earlier. And they’re based on the seasonal cycle unique to the area where the Minoans lived.
The ancient Minoans lived on the island of Crete, which lies in the Mediterranean Sea just south of Greece. Like all the lands and islands in and around this body of water, Crete has a unique environment that’s called the Mediterranean climate. Those of us who live in the northern temperate zone (most of Europe and North America) are used to four seasons in a year: spring, summer, autumn, winter. But the Mediterranean really only has two seasons: rainy and dry. The dry season is their dead time, corresponding to winter in the temperate areas. But guess when the Mediterranean dry season happens? Summer.
So summer is the ‘dead time’ on Crete. The rain stops—really stops. All the creeks and all but the largest rivers dry up. Everything turns crispy-dry and brown and it’s HOT. Before the advent of air conditioning, people used to sleep through the hottest part of the day and stay up later at night, when it was cooler, to get things done. And they were very, very happy when the rains started again in the autumn. That’s when they celebrated the new year, because that’s when their agricultural cycle started again.
The rain softened the soil so the Minoans could plow their fields and plant their crops. The wheat, rye, barley, and other field crops grew happily throughout the mild winter and were harvested in the spring. So the Mediterranean growing cycle is pretty much the opposite of what I’m used to here in North America. In Crete, even today, the farmers plant their crops in the autumn and harvest them in the spring. So let’s have a look at what this special climate means for the Minoan sacred calendar.
The Minoan wheel of the year includes a series of holidays that come one right after another, lasting for several weeks and leading up to the New Year’s celebration at Autumn Equinox. This is similar to our modern winter holiday season, but it takes place in the autumn instead of the winter. It begins with the Feast of Grapes on August 31. This is the celebration of the grape harvest and the death of Dionysus, the god of the vine. This is very similar to the grain gods of northern Europe being sacrificed at harvest time. (Please note: In modern Minoan Paganism we have chosen calendar dates for many of these agricultural festivals, but in ancient times they would have been celebrated whenever the crops were actually ready to harvest, which may have varied by quite a few days.)
Following the Feast of Grapes, we have the Mysteries—the Minoan precursor to the Eleusinian Mysteries. The Minoans based these holy days on the rising dates of certain stars. For modern purposes, we set this ten-day-long festival from September 1 through 10. For some excellent reconstructions of the Minoan versions of the Demeter and Persephone myths that were central to the Mysteries, I recommend Charlene Spretnak’s book Lost Goddesses of Early Greece: A Collection of Pre-Hellenic Myths.
Then we come to the end of the Minoan ‘holiday season,’ the beginning of the rains. Obviously this would have happened on varying dates in ancient times, just like it still does, but in modern Minoan Paganism we celebrate the New Year at the Autumn Equinox. This is the time of fresh green growth, renewal, time to plant seeds and start new projects.
Next up is Winter Solstice, the time of the divine birth. The Great Mother Goddess Rhea gives birth to Dionysus in her sacred cave on Mt. Dikte. Or Mt. Ida. Or one of the other caves across Crete that vied for prominence throughout Minoan times. (I never said Minoan religion was apolitical.) The Minoan Midwinter birth story is the oldest version we have of the familiar tale: A sacred child born on the Winter Solstice to a holy mother but with no father, in a cave or grotto surrounded by friendly animals, then hidden away for safety. One of my favorite stories.
A few months later we come to the Spring Equinox, which is harvest time in the Mediterranean. The ancient Minoans celebrated with dancing, feasting, and offerings to the ancestors. That’s a fine way to do it in modern times, too.
Then we come to the Summer Solstice, which is paired with the Winter Solstice. The baby Dionysus was born at Midwinter and hidden away in his mother’s cave. Now he comes of age, emerging from the cave to take part in the Sacred Marriage with Ariadne. This was probably also a time for boys to have their coming-of-age ceremonies in ancient Crete.
Then we’re back to the Feast of Grapes and a new year starts again.
There were many other celebrations that we know about based on the archaeological discoveries from Crete, but they aren’t as easy to fit into a prefab modern calendar. For instance, several of the peak sanctuaries celebrated the major and minor lunar standstills, each of which happens once in a roughly 19-year cycle. The Minoans, who were obviously great astronomers, also celebrated certain times when the cycles of the Moon, the Sun, and Venus coincided over an eight-year cycle (that’s eight solar years, five Venus cycles, and 99 lunations). And they also revered the local nature spirits, some of which probably had their own festivals and sacred days.
Now, part of Paganism is about respecting the cycles of the seasons wherever you happen to live. And obviously, if you live somewhere that doesn’t have a Mediterranean climate, it would be kind of weird to celebrate planting in the autumn and harvesting in the spring. I’m pretty sure the gods understand that the environment varies from place to place, so I have no problem switching those two festivals to match the climate where I live in North America. It’s also good to remember that the Minoans sailed all over the place, even out into the Atlantic and probably up the western coast of India as well, so they had a clue that there are different seasons in different places.
So there you have it, the Minoan sacred year. How will you choose to celebrate?
If you’d like to join the conversation about modern Minoan Paganism, please feel free to check out Ariadne’s Tribe, our welcoming community on Facebook.
In the name of the bee,
And of the butterfly,
And of the breeze, amen.
The Welsh festival of the Bards, Gwyl o Bardd, ends at Sundown.
A Greek’s life was fairly simple or at least the things that made life worth living were. Good food, great company, conversations and, well, sex. Lots of it. They loved it so much, they revolved every God or Goddess that they could around it.
Pan might be one of the perfect examples of that. He was basically a Greek rockstar. All he did was party from meadow to forest and he defintly didn’t do it alone. Like any rockstar, Pan has his own legend of groupies, called the Nymphs. That meant, any party Pan was at, so were his sex-crazed Nymphs. And that meant a party with Pan was the best of all orgies.
Pan was half man and half goat completely driven by lust. In fact, his image aided the stereotypical image of the Devil etch it’s ways into the minds of many during the Dark Ages to come. And although Pan was beloved of all Greeks, there were a good many superstitions and safeguards surrounding him, which makes sense, since he was one of their oldest Gods.
The word “Panic” actually came from “Pan’s” name. It was a cry he made, creating “Panic” that his enemies felt, a spell, if you will, that drained them of all their power and strength. Some sources claim “Panic” was what women felt if they were walking in the woods alone being stalked by Pan.
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Also, even though Pan was a God of the Shepherds, they were weary too and made sure to respect him. Because Pan partied all night, that meant he slept all day. Every Greek Herdsman knew to be quiet when wandering about the woods during daylight. No one wanted to wake Pan before he was ready to wake on his own.
Sometimes Pan was compared to Dionysus, claiming they were one in the same. Their Legends were certainly simuliar and Pan did take credit to sleeping with every one of Dionysus’s Maenads.
And since today, the Greeks would have been honoring Pan, let me also point out that even the Ancient Egyptians showed favor in him having a place called, The City of Pan.
So what are Shadow People, Spiders and Beings?
We all know what spirits or ghosts are, so I suppose we can place them in that category except, there is no proof that these beings are dead, are repetitive echoes, a haunting or formless.
They appear void at times if not strangely solid. By solid, they are still dark as Shadow but an even blacker color outlines their features.
One of the most common sightings has been the figure of a man or someone in a cloak. Sometimes they are seen wearing a hat or hooded sweat shirt. Whatever they are wearing, they lack color.
Imagine– you are staring into an actual person who is nothing more than solid smoke or even slightly transparent at times. The strange thing is, you can catch detailed outlines concerning their face or clothes.
It’s hard to think that anything which appears to be solid or merely bleak can have any sort of outline about it. But people have reported that at times they can make out their features clearly as well as the smaller details of their clothes. Some reports claim they have glowing eyes, mostly red. Some reports claim that they act unaware (as if you are not there)– as if passing from one room, while others claim these beings have had their attention directly on them.
Many reports claim that the energy or feeling in the room changed to something fearsome. Other reports claim that the person witnessing this act was attacked, unable to scream, or paralyzed.
Now before we fix our minds on a notion of fear—let’s reserve that until later because I have some theories of my own.
When do these sightings happen?
I call it the Twilight (No, Stephanie Meyers has nothing to do with this) but a more technical word is Hypnagogia. Basically, it is known as a sleep paralysis which has the attention of many doctors and scientists who are studying it. The easiest way to describe it is–
You go to bed, close your eyes, go to sleep. Only you do not sleep deeply nor are you fully awake. You are stuck somewhere in between.
Now do not confuse this with sleep walking. That is NOT what it is. People who experience this are completely aware of everything that is going on around them. They can sit up in bed, walk through their house, pet a dog or see their wife or husband sleeping beside them. They can talk and interact even though their minds are not fully awake.
So what is so different during this time that they seem to think they’re partly asleep? Good question.
Even though they can interact with their normal environments, not everything is the same. It is as though they are lingering between two worlds. Their subconscious mind is in equal balance with their conscious mind.
Meaning, they are open to whatever may come, eyes open beyond the veil but their conscious minds do not have the draw backs–jerking them out of this moment or to prevent them from seeing, experiencing, and interacting with whatever may be.
This is when some people experience the Shadow Beings, Spiders, or other types of Other Worldly phenomena. It is NOT the only time, but this is a common one, as well as wide spreading.
Now it should be known that Science and Doctors have their own explanations of this but NOTHING is for certain simply because they’re pretty much clueless as to what Hypnagogia is and what these people are really discovering during this phase. The experts are blaming it on sleeping positions, among other things, saying that if someone sleeps on their back– that this is what causes it.
Now it should be noted that I did say above that this phenomena is becoming widely spread. That doesn’t mean it did not exist before. I think because of the internet and the loss of fear in speaking about these things has made it possible for others to realize that they are not alone. It should also be mentioned that Shadow beings have been reported since Ancient times but we will get more into that later.
A direct quote from Wikipedia concerning Hypnagogia:
Early references to hypnagogia are to be found in the writings of Aristotle, Iamblichus, Cardano, Simon Forman and Swedenborg.[11] Romanticism brought a renewed interest in the subjective experience of the edges of sleep.[12] In more recent centuries, many authors have referred to the state; Edgar Allan Poe, for example, wrote of the ‘fancies’ he experienced “only when I am on the brink of sleep, with the consciousness that I am so.
So you see it is not new by any means, only our awareness of it since we still seem to be in the Dark Ages concerning anything other than what is socially accepted. Being taught not to believe in such things or that it is against some sort of religion– has really blind sided us I think.
Let it be also known that during Hypnagogia or what I call ‘Twilight’, Shadow people or beings are not the only thing experienced.
Many people claim that they have got up from their beds, walked out the door to new or past worlds. Some have experienced or revisited past lives or countries.
One woman I read about, reported standing by her bedroom window, waving to people who were passing by outside her home. They stood there waving at her while she waved back at them. At some point she snapped out of it, finding herself standing there waving– only the people she remembered in every detail were no longer present.
Other people report having long conversations with deceased relatives who are possibly standing by their bed or sitting in the same room with them. Some people claim that they are visited by those who are not dead. They have absolutely no idea what they are, but they do know death did not bring them to their bedrooms.
Now even though Twilight is not the only time this happens, this is one of the biggest reports of the Shadow Beings that people claim to experience. Possibly because our minds are so open during this stage and we can see beyond the Veil—my theory.
Now the down side–some people say that they are attacked. That this black mass or presence paralyzes them so that they can not move or even scream.
Others claim that they are not attacked but wake up finding these beings standing over them, simply watching which may be how they came to be called, ‘The Watchers’.
One woman I know claims to have woken up, been fully awake, while a young man in a hooded sweat shirt swept through her room and went out the window. Now she did not think that he jumped, but simply leaped through his doorway, to where ever he came from. This woman has had this happen quite a few times, same boy, same details (except the exit)– only she was not experiencing Twilight during any of those times. In fact, she told me she had never experienced Twilight. She sees them wide eyed and awake.
So you see Twilight is not the only time you can experience this.
Many reports say that they were standing in their kitchen (or somewhere), felt the energy or the room temperatures change, caught something in the corner of their eye, turned around quickly and the Shadow Being was standing there, watching them.
Shadow or Astral Spiders
People claim to be sleeping or rather Twilight, while watching these HUGE spiders of abnormal size crawl around their beds, glide down over their heads from webs and so on. By big—sizes ranging from fat puppy size to smaller.
At times they see smaller ones but it is usually the bigger ones that cause them the greatest shock and fright. It is usually scary enough to snap them out of the Twilight completely, where the spiders are then gone.
There hasn’t been to many people offering them any enlightenment concerning this. In fact, I was shocked that on these forums that I researched, to find that quite a few people who rattled away concerning their belief in the Shadow People in other threads, literally make fun of the people who were seeking answers concerning the spiders.
Unfortunately I can not give anyone any hard crusted evidence here but I can explain some common points about them.
One, you do not have to be in twilight to see them. Some people will see them there, wake up completely to find them still in their reality—fading away.
Two, no reports of anyone being bitten.
Three, no reports of anyone being attacked.
Four, some believe they are other dimensional.
Five, others don’t have a clue as to what the hell they are, although freaky, they don’t seem to be harming anyone or anything.
Let’s step back in time and take a peak into Ancient Ireland where the shades of green were as vast as the sloping hills and endless sheets of sky.
On this day, the Irish would celebrate the Goddess Aine, who happened to be the lady of love and fertility. Maybe it is true that love is the most powerful thing of all because Aine was also the restorer of life – eternal life.
There was a Well, named Tobar-Na-Aine. Lore swears that the waters from this Well can bless the unhealthy with good health and give back the youth lost by those who are imprisoned by Age.
Aine takes the form of the leannan sidhe, when she appears to men. When not the Fairy Lover, she shape-shifts into the red mare.
Egyptians called the shadow khaibut. The Egyptians believed that the khaibut was one of seven souls that each person had.
The Roman word for shadow was umbra, also meaning ‘the shade’ or the ghost of an individual who went to a place called the Land of Shades. The land of Shades was believed to be underground or part of an Underworld and after the person died, their shadow went there. In Greece, people were known to dedicate their shadows or give them over to a God such as Zeus. This was considered to be a marvelous sacrifice but at the same time or later on, fearsome. For instance, it was believed that if a person went to the temple or sanctuary of Zeus Lycaeus, they would lose their shadows. For those who do not know, Lycaeus was believed to be the origin of Werewolves and from this particular story, maybe some of the lore concerning werewolves became born. In medieval times, werewolves and vampires were a phenomena that said that anyone cursed this way, lacked a shadow or reflection. They lacked soul.
Also in medieval times, cornering a witch and proving her to be one, the shadow played a big part. If someone sold their soul to the devil then they had no shadow—hence shadow being linked with the soul again. In Europe, people believed that the shadow beings desired blood and without it, couldn’t be reborn. Superstitions and fear spread like the black plague concerning a person’s shadow. People refused to let their shadows fall on graves, a rumbling river or near a cliff.
In biblical times, curses were spoken on a person’s shadow. For example in Numbers 14:9 –“Their shadow is departed from them.” Saying something like that meant undeniable doom and was the lowest of low. I gather that in today’s times, it would be worse than throwing shoes.
Now kicking aside the superstitious fear concerning the shadow, according to Pagans and those before them, in ancient times…a person who did not have a shadow was NOT a demon, a vampire, a werewolf or someone who had given their soul over to any devil.
They were believed to have went into some sort of eternal bliss.
Plutarch said, “At the end of the world, the blessed ones would be happy forever. In a state neither needing food nor casting a shadow.”
So if we take into consideration what the Ancients believed concerning ‘Shadows, Shadow sightings and people’, is it safe to say that the Shadow experience you have had, is indeed a spirit or ghost or someone who has passed on to the other side? Maybe, but then again I have to personally wonder…why are so many sightings the same? Why is the image that we see of the Shadow person always a common one? Is it that all dead people wear hats, or cloaks or are seen staring at the floor? Why are the shadows able to take full form or any form—animal, creature, man, while other dead people can only become orbs or when they take actual form, look like an actual person?
Where are the Shadow women? Not one person I have interviewed, have I heard or read any reports concerning a Shadow person looking like a woman. I have read and heard of small shadow figures being no bigger than a child but people do not connect them with actual children. it is only the size that they are compared to verses the others who can be up to seven feet or more in height. No women…unless you listen to the incredible but draining stories of sex that some seem to link with the succubus and incubus theories. With respect, those aren’t enough to me. There aren’t enough of them being told on or off the internet. So there doesn’t seem to be any pattern there for me except maybe someone is having some awesome dreams and the rest of us should be simply jealous lol.
If the Shadow beings are ‘Watchers’ then does this make them some sort of guardian? And why do some attack or is it like Carry said, it was her own fear doing this to her. If they are Watchers, then what are they watching? Surely they know more than we do. Is there a reason some see them and others do not? The ones who see them, do they have a link or connection to these beings while others may have a connection to some other paranormal type thing? I know it has nothing to do with open mindedness. I have interviewed to many people that had no knowledge and or belief in them. It just started to happen and that’s when they started looking for answers. Some incidents start happening when people are children while others happened as adults.
Several years ago, I was asked to help with the grand opening of a major health club in Boulder, CO. I was hired as the Mind & Body Coordinator. It was a beautiful 40,000 square-foot facility. I was honored to be a candidate for the position.
I had dreams for the club. I had visions for where I wanted to take yoga and Pilates on and off the mat in the city of Boulder. And so, after only a few short months, I had over seventy classes on my schedule and over thirty employees.
The programs ROCKED, if I do say so myself. :-)
We were on the map. Every teacher wanted a class there. Every student wanted to practice there.
I had to give myself a pat on the back. I had done well. Life was good. I was happy.
But after a few years, my vision of how the program was going to develop began to differ from corporate. I did not want to settle for anything less than the best.
Always the entrepreneur, I had my designs in action. I saw teacher trainings in our future. I saw products aligned with our simple, green holistic lifestyle on our shelves. I saw workshops by celebrity teachers near or far in our studio every month.
But I felt stuck. I was being fought every step of the way.
I knew it was time to move on, but I was scared to make a change.
My position had become my identity. The club had become my life.
I was paralyzed by fear. How would I reinvent myself as myself rather than as the position I had been holding? How could I make my dreams a reality?
One evening, after teaching one of my classes, my boss called me into her office and asked me to step down as manager. Just like that. I couldn’t believe it.
Apparently my visions were too big. They needed to keep it simple. Perhaps they, too, were scared of what I could become.
I felt like my life had just toppled out from underneath me. I didn’t know what to say. I was paralyzed. Devastated. Surely my life was spinning out of control. How would I ever move forward?
It took a few moments, but I finally took a breath. And suddenly, I realized what I needed to say: Thank you.
Thank you for the opportunity of a lifetime.
Thank you for the gift of freedom.
Thank you for letting me go so I can reach out of my comfort zone and fly.
Life is fraught with unpredictability. At the drop of a hat, disaster can strike. Everyone encounters death, heartbreak, devastating illnesses, job instability, and financial crisis. Perhaps it’s a personal situation that arises and then knocks you down. Maybe it’s the stress of your job that keeps you up too late at night.
Whatever it may be, we all experience the whirlwind of unpredictability at times. And when it happens, you may feel:
Consumed
Shattered
Lost
A Total Mess
Devastated
Like a Failure
And when our lives feel like they are spinning out of control, it’s not always easy to look at what may be secretly appearing on the brighter side. It’s difficult to feel hope or see the bigger picture.
And no matter how tough you are, it is very easy to feel vulnerable, confused, or lost.
When things go amiss, it is challenging to feel anything but the mass of heaviness on your shoulders with no peephole to help you see the light of day.
But when you’re down and life seems like it’s giving you a kick in the gut, please remember these four things:
Everything happens for a reason. Nothing has meaning besides the meaning you choose to give it. It’s up to you to make each incident empowering or disempowering. And it’s up to you to find the lesson in everything. For instance, if I didn’t step down from my management position at the club, I would not be where I am with my business today. Living my dream.
Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. You don’t have to suffer. It’s definitely a choice. Nothing lasts forever, including the pain you are in. So, experience it. Live in that moment. But then get out of the story you’re starting to create. There does not need to be any mental drama around it (i.e. “I will never find a job again.”)
As one of my mentors, Marie Forleo, says, “Make ISness your business.” Live in the current moment and know that’s the only moment you need to handle. Give it your full attention. It’s your reality. And when that moment is over, move to the next moment. Are you still breathing? Of course you are. Then, fabulous, you’ve just handled that moment. Are you ready for the next one that will bring you one step closer to engaging in your life again?
Take one day at a time. I know it sounds like a cliché, but it’s TRUE! Eat nourishing food. Exercise. Spend time with your friends. Do what has to be done TODAY—not tomorrow, not next week. I promise you that if you live one day at a time, you will secretly find yourself moving on!
Rebuild your life and be successful
Do you feel like your life is one struggle after another and no matter what you do you can’t seem to get ahead? Unfortunately many of us feel that way at some point in our lives, whether we admit it or not.
When you are struggling you basically have two choices. You can either sit and cry about it, or you can do something about it. Here are concrete steps that you can take to overcome the challenges, and rebuild your life, so that you can become as successful as you were always meant to be.
8 Steps to Help You Rebuild Your Life and Be Successful
Evaluate Your Life
What do you feel is lacking in your life? What do you have that fulfills you? Make a list, and consider options that will help you create what you feel you are missing. Feel gratitude and appreciation for the good things you have that fulfill you.
Write Down Your Goals
Write out your most important short and long-term goals and dreams, along with a plan to achieve them. Divide your plan into small steps that you know you can accomplish. For example, if you always wanted to open a bakery, start taking classes on business and baking at the local college.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Decide which of your stressors are small issues and which ones are large. Is the fact that your mother-in-law drops by unannounced a real concern or can you let that one go?
By letting the small stressors go, you can free up your mind to strategize ways to reduce, eliminate, or cope with what stresses you the most.
Analyze Your Time
Which activities take up most of your time? Do you wish you had more time for other, more enjoyable activities? If so, then develop a plan to restructure the time allotted for each activity.
Create a schedule that identifies your priorities and stick to it.
Consider Your Fears
What is stopping you right now from taking steps towards what you want in life? Is it a fear that you won’t succeed or that others will think less of you? Do you fear how things might change if you are successful? Make a strong effort to accomplish your goals regardless of your fears.
Facing your fears will make you feel empowered and more capable.
Create a Daily Success Plan
Think of small changes you can implement each day to improve your life. Each day’s accomplishments will show you that you are, indeed, moving toward fulfilling your life’s passion!
Leave Regret Behind
Once things start changing and you start feeling happy and successful, you may wish you had started earlier in your life. Push these thoughts of regret out of your mind and simply focus on the exciting new things that are happening in your life right now.
Look for Positive Advice
Surround yourself with positive people. Talk to anyone and everyone you can think of to gather positive tips, advice, and experiences. Speak to people that you feel have it all – everything you may be looking for in life. Find out their secrets, their perspectives, and the thoughts that motivate them.
After emotional abuse, or rather, after I left my abusive husband, I hoped the effects of abuse would disappear. Magically. Without any work from me.
Those hopeful feelings minimized the difficulty of coping with life and relationships after emotional abuse. The intelligent part of me knew that after emotional abuse it would take time to recover from the emotional trauma and regain my mental health.
Alas, the intelligent part of me was correct.
Mental Changes After Emotional Abuse
During domestic violence and abuse, victims, by and large, become people they no longer like. When someone you think you love spews hatred like buckshot, it is natural to retaliate against the abuse. Unfortunately, self-defense can get nasty.
Defending yourself in unhealthy ways can become habit. Not only can that habit spill over to innocent people (like your children), but those unhealthy habitual thoughts integrate themselves into your brain – they become your new thoughts. In that way, you become someone you do not like.
At one point during my emotionally abusive marriage I wrote:
The abuse is bad, but the things I’ve allowed to change in my mind and heart are horrid.
That thought started my recovery from domestic violence. I had not left the marriage yet, but with that statement, I took one giant, healthy mental step forward. The understanding I gained was that I, not my abuser, have the power to change and create how I think, feel and act. I’d given my power to change to him. I needed to take it back.
I allowed my abuser’s negative thoughts to infiltrate my brain during the emotional abuse. Now it was up to me to deny their ability to dominate me. I had to change my thoughts so I could be who I wanted to be.
My Recovery at 2 Years, 8 Months After Emotional Abuse
After emotional abuse is out of your life, rapid healing begins. Then it slows down a bit and you wonder if this is as good as it gets. It isn't. Read this.
Patricia Evans, author of several books about verbal abuse, offers a *list of symptoms abuse victims may suffer. Here’s a look at that list along with my experience in recovering from them.
A verbal abuse victim often . . .
distrusts their spontaneity and suffers a loss of enthusiasm
My enthusiasm for my future returned around three months after emotional abuse was in the rear-view mirror. My spontaneity took a little longer because I believed he had spies watching me. I kept it low-key so the spies would have nothing to tell him.
lives in a perpetually in a ready, on-guard state
If you suffer PTSD, this symptom will take time to conquer. For me, eventually, after realizing the spies were phantoms implanted in my head, I learned how to relax. I began to trust the peace I created in my home after leaving emotional abuse.
wonders about how they are coming across
Soon after emotional abuse ended, I discovered that he was the only person who misunderstood what I said or misinterpreted my behaviors. Every new person I met understood me perfectly. Now I’m writing a blog that hopefully you understand, too.
thinks and feels that something is wrong with her
Within the first year, I realized that I am not as damaged as I thought. Yes, I have issues to work through, but everyone does (except for my ex who still loves himself just as he is). I am at peace with myself and my point in recovery from emotional abuse.
soul-searches and reviews incidents in hope of determining “what went wrong”
I don’t do this anymore. I am able to go through entire days without thinking about my ex or how things could have been. I could go longer without thinking of him, but we have children together and there is contact.
hears only her internalized critical voice
The hardest after emotional abuse, for me, is separating my internal nag from his criticisms of me. I sometimes ask myself, “Kellie, is this what he told you?” If it is, I banish the thought without question. Hell, sometimes I banish my internal nag too. Feels good!
suffers from anxiety or fear of being crazy
I am sane. I do not doubt my sanity any longer – not for one second. The anxiety associated with the fear that I might be crazy is gone. After emotional abuse ends, meaning I have a home that doesn’t include him, the distance lets me see very clearly who is crazy. Not me.
wishes she was not the way she is – “too sensitive”, etc.
I am perfectly me. Sometimes a person’s statement or word choice will sting because they are similar to my abuser’s words. Sometimes I overreact. But the people I choose to have in my life are safe; I can tell them exactly what I’m feeling and they respond to me with love. The more I let myself trust them, the less often I feel those stings.
is hesitant to accept her perceptions
Now my perceptions are the most important ones to me. I realize that the way I perceive things may not be complete, so I ask people what they meant when they said or did something. I do not try to read their minds. I listen to their explanations. I can tell whether they’re lying or not in time by watching what they do.
tends to live in the future – “everything will be great when/after”, etc.
I do look forward to future events (like graduation and moving to Austin), but I do my best to make now great, too. Life flows, and it feels good to be in the flow instead of predicting what will happen when or after emotional abuse occurs.
has a distrust of future relationships
I once thought I was unlovable and couldn’t be a great friend because he didn’t love me and he didn’t want my friendship. After all of that emotional abuse, it is taking some time to trust my perceptions of other people. I’m relearning how to listen to my gut feeling about someone; not perfect yet, but looking forward to testing it.
Is Complete Recovery Possible After Emotional Abuse?
I believe we can conquer all of these horrible side-effects after emotional abuse is out of our lives. Some effects will take more time than others. Trusting myself seems to be at the core of it all.
I’m not done healing, but I will completely heal. I will completely trust myself. It will be sooner rather than later. It can happen for you, too.
COMMENTS
Be strong dear. You are a strong woman and soon you will heal!!
And you are not alone in this world "hugs"
Thank you Liliancat... I have posted these for others who needs this information as well...
HUGS!
Lady Morganna
What does it take to get your life back together after being caught in an abusive relationship?
What could there possibly be to be afraid of after leaving an abuser?
The truth is that there is a lot to be afraid of. I am speaking from a woman’s perspective, which will likely vary somewhat from an abused male’s perspective, but the general principle is the same. Many women who have lived with an abuser find the new “freedom” inhibiting. Such a contradictive view comes from feelings of being lost, out of control, and confused.
For example:
1. Most abusers function by controlling their victim(s). The abuser will decide what the victim wears, where he/she goes or cannot go, what time certain things will happen, etc. The victim adheres to this schedule in the hope that he/she will placate the abuser and will not suffer additional punishment. This kind of set scheduling and excessive rules become a pattern for the victim, and once alone, the victim will find that he/she is still afraid to act without command.
2. There is often a fear of “return”. New relationships, whether they are intimate relationships, friendships, or reuniting with family, can be intimidating because there is always a lurking fear that there might be a new abuser coming about. The ability to trust will have been totally destroyed.
3. Guilt. Guilt is very common in abuse victims. Victims often feel that they are responsible for the abuse that happened, and some actually feel guilty about leaving the abuser. Sometimes this guilt can be because of manipulative acts on behalf of the abuser, such as saying things like, “I’ll kill myself if you leave me”, or, “I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much and I don’t know what I’ll do without you”. These types of statements really play on a woman’s dominant emotional side, thus producing high levels of guilt.
4. The subject of trust is very similar to point two. There is an incessant fear that new events could lead back into a life of hell, and it strongly affects relationships. However, trust goes beyond relationships. The victim may have a difficult time trusting him/herself in life as well as in relationships. There is always a pending fear that the victim made a mistake somewhere in the past and may make it again. At this point it isn’t so much relapse that the victim fears, but rather, he/she fears him/herself.
So how can a person rebuild life after abuse?
I wish that I could say that it’s as simple as saying positive things every day and simply telling one’s self to be strong, but it’s not that easy (even though it does help). Emotional healing is a process that takes years, often up to a lifetime. The key is to start slow and take one’s time. Rushing leads to more mistakes, which in turn will lead to an additional loss in confidence.
Here are some steps to assist in personal healing:
1. Start slow. Sometimes it helps to write the situation out in a journal. The key is to take life into perspective, but to do it in such a way that you won’t feel encouraged to berate yourself for past decisions. This means avoiding statements like, “I’m such a loser”. Write the truth, but not self-pity. Your goal is to build strength.
2. Share. A victim of abuse who suffers in silence will suffer the most. There are groups for abuse victims, internet sites, communities, et cetera. Take advantage of these avenues. Chances are, you’ll find someone who went through something similar to you. This will help you to identify not only with yourself, but also with other people. It can help you to start rebuilding relationships in your life. Counselling is often another avenue to help you rebuild your life, if you’re comfortable with it.
3. Tell yourself that you didn’t deserve the abuse, and believe it. No one, and I mean no one, deserves to be abused. It doesn’t matter what the abuser told you – he/she was just trying to hurt you and manipulate you. You did not deserve it.
4. Be smart. You know the traits and qualities that your abuser had. Perhaps he/she was overly charismatic, manipulative, had subtle signs of control issues, so on. It’s important to recognize these traits in other people that you meet, but don’t categorize everyone. If you are really not comfortable with someone because he/she portrays too many of the same traits as your abuser, then avoid him/her. You don’t want extra conflict in your life. Remember, though, that most people share similar traits with other people. You can’t just assume that someone else will be an abuser, and you can’t run away from everyone. Trust your instincts, but think logically as well.
5. Don’t jump into another relationship. It’s unbelievable how many people (women especially) will leave an abuser by jumping into a new relationship immediately afterward. At that point, the victim is looking for external supplication, and it doesn’t work. A victim of abuse has to regain personal strength, and that is not going to happen by deciding to rely heavily on someone else for support and confirmation. Having a support foundation is a good thing, but being dependent on that support foundation won’t help you.
6. Take some time to cry it out. The truth of the matter is that you’re human. It’s very easy to say the practical ways of dealing with the aftermath of abuse, but people are not robots. While it is important not to be engrossed in a world of self-pity, everyone is entitled to let out built up emotions. The idea is not to shut down, but instead to recognize life for what it is and make a plan for a road to recovery. This won’t happen overnight, as it is a tremendously large project, but it is possible.
7. Let go of pride. This seems extremely contradictory to previous points, but it’s an important one. Some abuse victims experience a large amount of pride that prevents him/her from seeking help or admitting that there was/is a problem.
The steps above are not in any particular order, because there is no simple formula for recovery. Everyone deals with different experiences in various ways, and while it’s possible to find recovery steps “in order” on the internet, they’re very difficult to follow if you’re not prepared for it.
The road to recovery is long and treacherous, but doable; just remember that it is possible.
Understanding the signs of pathological lying will help you identify if someone you know is suffering from this type of lying disorder. Pathological liars are addicted to lying, and this type of regular deception is often associated with another mental illness. Using a list of common signs can help you identify someone with a real lying addiction.
Signs Someone May Be a Pathological Liar
Pathological lying, which is also known as compulsive, chronic, or habitual lying, is not a psychological disorder; it has no documented list of symptoms. However, pathological liars may share the following common traits.
Individual Also Suffers from Mental Illness or Personality Disorders
According to Psychology Today, while compulsive lying is not itself a diagnosable mental illness, it often correlates with a number of personality and mental disorders. Pathologically lying is a common symptom in a number of mental health issues, such as borderline personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. If someone you know has received a diagnosis of mental illness or a personality disorder, be aware that he or she could be a compulsive liar if other symptoms are also present.
Lies Bring Attention to the Person
Therapist Mark Tyrell, founder of Uncommon Solutions, suggests some people who lie pathologically do so to seek attention. Individuals who want to have center stage wherever they are may have to make up stories to capture people's interest. These types of people crave an audience and get a high off it, and this leads them to lie more. Therefore, if you see someone constantly engaging in attention-seeking behaviors, he or she may also be lying to support this need.
Stories Are Impossible to Believe
The Psychiatric Times states compulsive liars will often tell unbelievable stories, and the lies they contain may seem absolutely pointless. In fact, a compulsive liar may even tell lies that are self-incriminating. While almost everyone exaggerates stories sometimes, a pathological liar does it much of the time. If you find yourself with your jaw falling open every time someone tells you a story, it's probably because it's not true. If this happens regularly, the person may be a pathological liar.
Lies Make the Person or Situation Look Better
A pathological liar may never admit that life is difficult. Instead, he or she will either only discuss the happy times or make up stories to replace unfortunate events. According to therapist Mark Tyrell, this form of self-aggrandizement is quite common among people with compulsive lying issues. If you notice that someone is constantly telling stories that make their life look better or more exciting than it actually is, this may be a sign that the person is a pathological liar.
Lies Show the Individual as a Constant Victim
On the other hand, as stated in Psychiatric Times, pathological liars may also always paint themselves in the light of victimhood in order to gain attention. Someone who is always suffering from a different illness or constantly a victim either has bad luck or is a pathological liar. Just as some pathological liars will lie about the good in their life, some will make up bad things that happen to them for the attention. If the number of horrible events that have happened to this person strain your ability to believe the stories, this may be a sign of pathological lying.
Individual Has Poor Self-Esteem
According to the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, low self-esteem ranks high among the probable causes of behavioral issues. People with low self-esteem are more likely to demonstrate pathological lying symptoms because they are trying to make themselves feel better about how they look, their accomplishments, and what they have in life. While low self-esteem doesn't always indicate a pathological liar, if it's coupled with regular truth-stretching, it could be a signal that this person needs help.
Identifying a Pathological Liar
To identify if someone is a pathological liar, you will need to know a little about his or her history, as well as this person's current psychological stability. These are two of the biggest indicators of a potential lying problem.
Knowledge of the Individual's Personal History
Knowing the history of a pathological liar will help you see patterns in his or her lying. Some people will only lie about the present, but others make up a completely new life for themselves. For example, if you know your friend from grade school, you probably know a lot about his or her childhood. If this friend tells people that he or she had a disadvantaged home life but you know for a fact he or she didn't, you can begin to suspect that this individual is a pathological liar.
Understanding of Individual's Psychological Stability
Psychological stability is the other factor in determining if someone is a pathological liar. Many people habitually lie due to a mental illness such as bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder or depression. Many mental illness sufferers have misconceptions about what is reality. Their distorted perceptions make it difficult for them to understand what is false and true. That's not to say that all individuals who suffer from mental illness lie unknowingly, but many lie so they don't suffer repercussions from caregivers and psychiatric care providers.
Suggest Professional Help
If you suspect someone you love has a problem with pathological lying, seek help from a qualified therapist. If the person who compulsively lies will not seek help, set your own boundaries firmly in order to avoid being hurt.
We all lie. There's no denying it, and if you try to, then you're lying.
Lying has become a part of our everyday lives, and there's no way around it.
When your coworker asks you, “How's your day going?” and you quickly respond, “Good, you?” — when, in fact, you were late for work and spilled coffee on your white shirt — you’re lying.
When your friends ask you where you've been, and you say you're “so busy” — when, in fact, you're only hanging out with your new boyfriend — you’re lying.
Lies can range from tiny to life-changing. But regardless of its size, a lie is still a lie.
Through trial and error, most of us have learned lying usually does more harm than good.
Even at a young age, we tend to recognize telling one lie will lead to another, and then usually that lie turns into a mess and disaster.
We develop morals often after making huge mistakes, and we decide lying isn't worth our time.
As always, though, there are exceptions. There are people who learn lying is wrong, but they still do it. It's not that they don't have morals, but something just doesn't click.
Maybe they've gotten away with lying too many times, or maybe they just enjoy doing it. Whatever the reason, some people become masters at lying, and they trick you into believing even their lies are the truth.
I happened to date one of these people. Prior to dating him, I knew I never wanted to date someone with an alcohol or drug addiction, but I didn't realize an addiction to lying existed.
Throughout our relationship, there were numerous times he lied to me. At first, I denied them. There'd be times I knew I was right, but he'd convince me otherwise.
There were times even he knew he was lying, but he couldn't admit it. Lying was a strong addiction, and it was something I couldn't make him shake. I couldn't tell on him or try to send him to some kind of rehab.
Every time I wanted to speak up, I second-guessed myself and realized how crazy I sounded. At one point, I completely convinced myself I had trust issues, and I somehow made up his lies.
The truth is an addiction is an addiction. Whether it’s drugs or lying, I learned the hard way dating a person with any kind of addiction is impossible. I tried to love him, but it was never enough. I came to realize he loved his lies more than me.
Here are the signs of a liar I wish I had known before dating one:
1. They lie frequently.
We all know we should trust our gut instincts. If your immediate thought is that the person you're talking to is lying to you, you're probably right.
Compulsive liars will lie about anything and everything. Their lies are subtle and small, so they often go unnoticed. This can make it difficult to decide if they're telling the truth or not.
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2. They’re always seeking attention.
If the person you're talking to seeks attention in an overwhelming way, he or she is probably a liar.
Liars will often bend the truth as a way to try to impress you. They want you to notice them, and they'll fish for compliments.
They'll act kind of like 4-year-old children who are continually saying, “Mom, look what I'm doing! Look what I did! Look at me!”
3. They have self-esteem issues.
Often, the reason people lie is because they want to avoid certain realities or perceptions about themselves. Lying gives them a sense of ego-boosting power. They can be whoever they want to be, if they lie about it.
4. Their body language is telling.
You can learn a lot about a person solely through his or her body language.
For “beginner” liars, they won't look you in the eye. They'll look at the floor or the ceiling, but they won't make eye contact. However, for more “advanced” liars, they'll look you straight in the eyes and still lie to you.
Some other body language signs are if they stand with their arms crossed, or if they turn away from you because they don't want to look at you. In extreme cases, people will start to sweat because they're so nervous about lying.
If they're fidgety and unable to look at you, they’re probably lying.
5. Their stories always change.
The problem with liars is even they don't know their own stories. The stories they tell you and the stories you hear them tell their friends sound like completely different scenarios.
Or, they'll tell you a story today, but that same story will be different tomorrow. After all, liars are great storytellers.
6. They’re unable to confront the truth.
Compulsive liars have an inability to confront the truth. They won't admit to anything, even if you beg them.
Once they've told one lie, they feel like it's their rightful duty to stick to it. Even if you know the 100 percent absolute truth about something, they'll still convince you you're wrong and they're right.
They don't want to confront the truth and admit they're wrong.
If these signs sound familiar, I'll go ahead and tell you to run as fast as you can. Walking away won't be enough because every time you try to leave, their lies will convince you to stay.
Don't wake up one day and realize everything you thought was real was a lie. Don't let yourself fall into the trap of living in a false reality.
Trust your gut, trust your instincts and trust yourself because sometimes, those are the only things that are true.
Maeve wrote: “I'd love to hear what you think about the recent self-help magical thinking trend, aka The Secret. (the universe gives you what you think about: if you think about happiness and love your life will be a banquet of joy and serendipity; if you think about obesity, cancer and death you'll get fat, your moles will turn to melanoma and you'll die). It strikes me as quasi-narcissistic (how can the universe possibly care enough about what I'm thinking to mete me out my own personal thoughts in the form of concrete things?) having read your post but I'd love to read your take.” ~Self-Help Narcissists
Well, Maeve, I’m a little uncomfortable writing about new age spirituality. Guess I have chicken wings, not angel wings. Please don’t barbecue me.
I’m hesitant to discredit The Secret because I don’t want people to think me into a cornfield, or wish me back to a prior incarnation when I was a flea. People might send negative energy my direction, forcing terrible things to happen to my family and ya know, we’ve had enough misery in this lifetime.
Besides, it’s not nice to criticize people’s delusions. I learned that with narcissists. You tell ‘em they aren’t Grounded In Reality and the next thing you know: you’re the one sitting in a therapist’s office getting your feet nailed to the floor.
Narcissists are indignant when their thinkin’ is labeled stinkin’. Especially when people of lower intelligence challenge their grandiosity. But you asked, so I’ll compose my thoughts, hopefully without alienating those who find value in The Secret and other new-age ideas of such ilk. Some people read The Secret and find the ideas worth considering. They aren’t usually the ones who flame and insult and wish me into cornfields, though.
My big, fat opinion is that Secret promoters are an exclusive club of opportunists pretending to be smarter than the rest of us inferior types who live in track homes because we didn't think 'Mansion'. Maybe they honestly believe what they're promoting, but to me, this is self-deception because in reality, it’s utterly stoopid to believe thoughts create things--as if our brains are assembly lines, making us mini-gods of our own creation!
This idea appeals to narcissists since they see themselves as the center of the universe. Which makes me wonder if The Secret Elite is an exclusive group of Machiavellians, psychopaths, and grandiose narcissists; not exclusive of countless numbers of innocent people in terrible situations----innocent people who are desperate for answers, for relief, for certainty.
Those are the people who concern me. The people upon whom predators prey. We cannot stop every bad person from taking advantage of good people, that is true; but we can inform those who are vulnerable to manipulation.
Who is vulnerable to stinkin’ thinkin’?
Anyone. Everyone. It all depends on the situation. So don’t go thinking only dumb bunnies fall for flimflam artists and con games. Our vulnerability to persuasion depends on our situation: the less stable we are, the easier we are to manipulate/recruit. That means anyone suffering a crisis, loss of boundaries, loss of self, divorce, job insecurity, death, etc. can be drawn towards stinkin' thinkin' like The Secret.
Whether other people agree with me or not, I believe Secret gurus are more worried about financial actualization than they are spiritual growth—nor are they concerned about the harm they do to vulnerable people. In fact, the lack of empathy for their ‘market audience’, the certainty of their self-anointed mission, the manipulation of people’s gullibility and devotion, describes narcissists fairly well. Narcissists as in The Messianic Disordered.
For people who might not be psychologically stable because of their situation, believing every thought will come to fruition is a recipe for paranoia. I remember putting a tarp over my canopy bed just to be on the safe side. I didn't want to wake up with thousands of rat bazturds falling on my head. Rat bazturd was an obsessive loop in the early days of my husband’s infidelity. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking this thought. It was as automatic as breathing.
I remember when Rhonda Byrne’s book first appeared. As an Internet consumer, I was privy to the persuasive hoo-hah promoting her book before it was released in a viral marketing campaign that is sure to be a case study in MBA textbooks. Many people on NPD message boards were persuaded to purchase her book because it promised to restore personal power. They also believed (as traumatized people do), that they had been cut off from the Secret of life…that they were isolated and alone. When someone promised to share an ancient secret from which they had been excluded, they were eager to put hard-earned cash on the counter and join the elite. Desperation is the fodder for manipulation. Never forget it. Self-promoters are banking on it.
I was concerned because it wasn’t a far leap of my imagination to see myself in their shoes: vulnerable, broken, powerless, overwhelmed with emotions and loss, confused about my identity, hoping for answers, or temporary relief. Even the Law of Attraction restored a semblance of order, albeit masochistic. At least there was an explanation for my situation---although it required blaming myself and thinking magically.
Quite honestly, magical thinking was a part of my grief journey. That same magical thinking inspired me to buy Relationship Matters by Dr. Phil, but that’s getting off-topic.
Thankfully, Dr. Phil didn’t encourage thinking a loving husband into being and denying the fact that my husband was stomping on my heart. Dr. Phil veered into the self-blaming aspect of taking responsibility that wasn’t mine to take, just like The Secret does. The idea being that if you aren't getting the love you want, or your house catches on fire, or you break out in zits before a leadership conference, well, “Ya did it to yourself. You got nobody to blame but your own thoughts.”
You can make yourself mentally ill wondering if you had a random thought about zits and that’s why you have a volcano protruding from your chin. Your task is to wish that zit away. If it’s still there during your presentation and the audience can’t take their eyes off your repugnancy, (or protect their faces with Kleenex in case it ‘blows’), you have nobody to blame but your thoughts. And: Thoughts=Self.
Blaming the Victim
Blaming the victim is a disturbing thing, a misfortunate result of the assumption that people reap the rewards (consequences) of their choices. If you were abused, well, you must have done something to cause him/her to abuse you. Maybe in the crevices of your mind, you had the dastardly thought, “I sure hope my beloved hurts me!”
What people need in a healing process is to accurately place responsibility for the crimes committed, not prolong an illegitimate self-blame process. I can see how narcissists would find this philosophy very useful, though: “You thought it, so I’m gonna manifest your destiny!”
A Just World Hypothesis
We are addicted to the hypothesis of a Just World. We rationalize incomprehensible ‘injustice’ to protect ourselves from a similar fate by assuming the victim did something (or thought something) that lead to injustice. Perhaps most people never question the assumption that people get what they deserve.
The assumption that just consequences rule our lives is engrained in our minds. It’s how we socialize our children to be good people. You do good, you get good. You do bad, you get bad.
Now, let’s say we’re victimized. It’s difficult accepting that people are conned, duped, manipulated, taken advantage of, and betrayed. Instead of tolerating the truth that life is unfair and anyone can be victimized at any time, we blame the victim. If we can attribute bad consequences to bad thoughts, then all we have to do is think positively and we’re safe.
There’s an added plus to The Secret, too: people aren’t obligated to empathize with anyone threatening their ‘false’ reality. That would be anyone reminding them that life is unfair; that justice is a never-ending battle; that people don’t get what they deserved.
Anyone who is suffering, hurt, wounded, or depressed, threatens positivity with negativity. Those folks are royally dismissed instead of the egotist dismissing their egotism. That way, they remain warm and cozy and self-righteous in their non-judgmental judgments.
If you wanna make a buck, appeal to people’s narcissism.
Telling people, “You aren’t smart, and you are limited, and there’s nothing special about you!” won’t finance an empire or buy a mansion in Beverly Hills. So the way to manipulate people’s insecurity is to tell them they’re SMART. Elite. Beautiful. That their brains have unlimited powers, yet to be realized. Tell people they are Unique and Special and they’ll fork over every cent they have---especially when we’re reminded of our insignificance everyday.
If we have forsaken intimate relationships for a materialistic lifestyle, our insignificance will not be remedied by accumulating more possessions. Relationships give meaning and purpose to life, satisfying our need to be special…to someone. Accumulating friends is a far better way to counter narcissism than accumulating riches, or followers.
In our Self-oriented society today however, relationships have become disposable. No wonder we are on a never-ending quest to satisfy emotional needs with material accumulation! We don’t even know how to search for happiness.
How Do We Spell Success in the 21st century? $$, $$, And more $$$$$
We want to believe that good is rewarded and evil is punished. In a less materialistic world, financial statements don’t measure success nor are they rewards for ‘right’ behavior. We seem to be confused about what brings satisfaction in our mediated culture. Relationships have become less about personal commitment and more about making us feel good about ourselves. The more expendable relationships become, (people are mere stepping stones to the narcissist’s self-actualization), the less meaning human virtues have, as rewards.
“Virtues? What’s a virtue? Give me a Mercedes!”
This is the opposite of self-actualization. Let’s call it what it is and stop pretending it’s spiritual development. This is a crash course for egotism.
The Secret de-politicizes social inequities: disenfranchising the many while favoring the few.
In an attempt to restore power and control in our lives (and therefore, stability and predictability), we turn to The Self as the answer for problems that are socially generated. You cannot cure social ills by isolating in your head. You cannot eradicate social injustice by wishing it away. Or turning your eyes from the suffering and poor because they make you feel guilty or bad about your self!
What concerns me about thought systems like The Secret, is that they erode social cohesion. Anyone who is troubled or suffering is dismissed as ‘negative’. Instead of looking externally, we are focused on our own thoughts, implicitly blaming people for social ills and protecting ourselves behind a wall of unhealthy psychological defenses.
You wanna make yourself really sick in the head? Only be friends with people who make you feel good.
“The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure,”
Erich Fromm writes, “but to be able to tolerate insecurity.”
The Situation of Insecurity
During times of social change, financial stress, global wars, global warming, global inequities, erosion of traditional institutions providing continuity in our lives, volcanoes, hurricanes, earthquakes……human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria; well, people seek answers. We attempt to restore a sense of power and control in our lives because we feel insecure and powerless as individuals. The bigger the world gets, the smaller we become. And that feels lousy. Terrifying, even.
During vulnerable situations, we are susceptible to manipulation by those who appear to have answers to our uncertainty. Especially self-anointed gurus who benefit financially by claiming their successes are the result of ‘positive thoughts’. You can’t challenge their assertions unless you were a little genie sitting inside their heads, recording their thoughts before and after achieving success. They persuade us to trust that their mental prowess as the magnet attracting money and fame, though if we forced a lobotomy on some of those folks, we’d likely find a skull filled with metal; but that’s only a hypothesis.
One thing that can be said about narcissists, though: they diminish other people’s contributions and attribute success to themselves. What we don’t hear from these highly successful people is gracious credit to the little people supporting their rise in the pecking order. The opportunities they had (and other people didn't) remain unacknowledged privileges. On a NPI scale, I’d say these folks were off the scale for self-sufficiency.
This is the narcissist’s self-centeredness in action.
PLUS: Attributing success to our thoughts is much more palatable to a struggling citizenry that wants to believe they live in a meritocracy. That even though they don’t have a pot to piss in, if they keep thinking positive thoughts, the dollars will come and they too can run a multi-million dollar industry and drive fancy cars. However, people who make it to the top of the pecking order were probably willing to do things other people wouldn’t.
Now maybe you’ve been told that successful people do what other people won’t. In my definition, that means they are willing to use other people as means to their own ends. Narcissistic gurus are ego-syntonic with exploitation, objectification, and manipulation strategies: using people to serve themselves. When a guru attributes financial success to their ‘thoughts’, they are arrogantly discounting other people’s contributions. They are also blaming people for their own tragedies. Ask yourself, “Would I be willing to tell a dying cancer patient that her thoughts had caused her disease?” If not, don’t set your sights on being a new-wage guru.
Eight uncomfortable truths about The Healing Situation
“The vulnerability to influence varies,” writes Margaret Singer, “the ability to fend off persuaders is reduced when one is rushed, stressed, uncertain, lonely, indifferent, uninformed, distracted, or fatigued… Also affecting vulnerability are the status and power of the persuader…promises of unconditional love, new mental powers, and social utopia.” (Page 27, Captive Hearts, Captive Minds)
The reason I’ve been concerned about the impact of The Secret on people in crisis is because we are sitting ducks for persuasive manipulators. (Please see Resource section about the following list)
1-Overwhelming emotions diminish critical thinking. This means our gullibility and manipulability increases. We have a hard time making decisions and thinking clearly.
2-Emotional trauma isolates. Makes us feel cut off; we look for a place where we belong. The Secret pretends to be a group of intelligent people. Now there’s an elite group to pledge allegiance to! Self-deception however, is not self-actualization. Assuming we are self-sufficient leads to further isolation and mental health problems.
3-Our tolerance for ambiguity decreases. We want answers and good or right answers are preferred. We no longer trust our ability to figure life out ourselves.
4-We are disillusioned and dissatisfied with the status quo. We may be naively idealistic.
5-Our assumptions and beliefs have been called into question, or ‘shattered’. We look for another philosophy to fill the void. The more promises a particular philosophy makes, the more eager we are to suspend disbelief and 'follow'.
6-We pray for restoration of spiritual meaning in our lives. Sometimes, we find comfort in books or speeches using meaningful words like ‘love’ and ‘self-actualization’ and ‘spiritual development’ and ‘peace’. If we can read spiritual literature that takes us outside of our bodies, even for a little while, we feel better. What we don’t realize is that narcissists are using those words intentionally because they know these words have meaning for us.
The Secret manipulates people’s uncertainty in times of distress and for that reason alone, should never be considered a book about spiritual development or self-actualization.
7-We’re desperate for an escape from emotional pain, even a fleeting escape. We may be susceptible to ‘trancelike states’. When people are in psychologically vulnerable situations and searching for spiritual relief, we don’t transcend the mortal condition, we dissociate. Dissociation may predispose us to dependency on the guru to help us ‘escape a despairing reality” and therein avoid legitimate suffering (the only way to heal body and soul). We need to be cautious during periods of loss and grief by recognizing our vulnerability to feel-good gurus.
“False leaders keep people helpless.”
~a comment by Eyes_Up on WoN
If you've never grounded yourself in your body by neutralizing painful emotions because you hung out too long on the astral plane: You Are Helpless to Help Your Self. The self that must make choices & judgments from a discerning mind. Not the ‘self’ that observes life from a nondual perspective.
8-The Secret encourages psychological regression during stressful times. Thought reform cultures like The Secret, encourage the inner child to silence the adult. Healing is similar to bouncing back and forth in a time warp. One day we feel like we’re six and the next day, we’re 150 years old in grown-up shoes facing a complex reality. Eventually, the Adult Self must take charge. Rewarding the inner child frequently ends up punishing the adult.
The message of The Secret is more like: Kill The Chauffeur with the License and Let the Kid Drive the Bus. That means lots of stops for candy and cookies and trips to Disneyland, without ever reaching the intended destination: REALITY.
In Conclusion
(yea, yea, I know what you’re thinking: “Thank God!”)
One last thing I’d like to add is that when The Secret first appeared, I nearly retched watching You Tube videos of Genies in the Sky with piles of dollars raining on people’s heads. Good thing they used dollar bills and not gold bouillon, eh?
Violence is not allowed on You Tube.
I guess that means if you’re visualizing being rich, it’s best to think of paper currency, not bricks.
I hoped psychologists would respond with guidance for those who might be susceptible to delusional thinking, or escaping reality with unhealthy self-deception. Few articles appeared. In fact, some psychologists began saying similar things, even using new-wage gurus as examples of mental health! It appeared that critical thinking would have to come from people without a financial stake in The Secret’s popularity (or banking on getting their share of the pie).
Giving psychologists the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they assumed they could appropriate healthy aspects of The Secret and keep people on track before they went off the deep end and lost contact with reality. Or with themselves.
I’ve never found it useful to lay down with the dogs, though. Somewhere in the far distant recesses of my mind, I remember being a flea.
I am grateful to bloggers who refused to ignore the harmful effects of a victim-blaming, isolating, regressive, materialistic, narcissistic, and growth-stifling system of thought that deceived followers while aggrandizing the gurus’ narcissism. My Resource section includes a few links for those who’d like to dig a little deeper into the dark side of the bright side.
If you remember anything from my rambling, please remember this: Narcissistic gurus don’t empathize with your vulnerabilities; they capitalize. So ignore their tempting lies and Get Smart. Educate yourself. Recognize your limitations and be glad you’re okay admitting you aren’t perfect, or God, or responsible for Louisiana hurricanes on a convoluted-thinking day. Wouldn’t the world be a terrifying place if people’s ‘thoughts’ actually became ‘things’?
Be aware of the opportunists in our increasingly narcissistic society and protect yourself. Because they won’t.
As a very savvy blogger warns:
“most of us spend our lives as prey, economically and psychologically. Awareness is the key to understanding this; but once we understand it, we may transcend it, choosing, when we can, to be neither prey nor predator.” ~Stormchild
Hugs,
CZ
Lulz: Internet slang defined as fun; amusement; humor; schadenfreude. For kicks. ~Wiktionary
"“Lulz” is how trolls keep score. A corruption of “LOL” or “laugh out loud,” “lulz” means the joy of disrupting another person’s emotional equilibrium. “Lulz is watching someone lose their mind at their computer 2,000 miles away while you chat with friends and laugh,” said one ex-troll who refused to disclose his legal identity." ~The Trolls Among Us
"Studies revealed similar patterns of relations between trolling and the Dark Tetrad of personality: trolling correlated positively with sadism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism. Sadism showed the most robust associations with trolling...Thus cyber-trolling appears to be an Internet manifestation of everyday sadism." Trolls Just Want To Have Fun (Buckels et al) Questions measuring personality traits were:
Sadistic Impulse Scale: Hurting people is exciting
Narcissism: I've been compared to famous people
Machiavellianism: It's not wise to tell your secret
Psychopathy: Payback needs to be quick and easy
"Machiavellianism is (willingness to manipulate and deceive others), narcissism (egotism and self-obsession), psychopathy (the lack of remorse and empathy), and sadism (pleasure in the suffering of others). The relationship between sadism and trolling was the strongest, sadists appear to troll because they find it pleasurable. “Both trolls and sadists feel sadistic glee at the distress of others. Sadists just want to have fun...and the Internet is their playground!” Internet Trolls Really Are Horrible People
Trolls, Bullies, Harassment, Stalking
"People troll because they enjoy causing distress in others on the Internet. This is different than cyber-bullying which uses information technology to harm or harass someone in a repeated, deliberate, and hostile manner. Trolls are just doin' it for the "lulz." ("Lulz" is a stupid way of saying, "laughs.") They just want to make others react so they can sit back and enjoy the ensuing chaos." A Troll Is as a Troll Does
Some websites make arbitrary distinctions between trolls and bullies; between bullying and harassment. These distinctions aren't cut in stone because we're still coming up with words to best describe this Brave New cyber-World we've created. Cyberbullying is generally based on a power differential referring to adolescents, yet adult bullies use the pack mentality (power over) to threaten and harass other adults. Trolls are defined by their anonymity, yet people troll "friends" hoping to trigger their reactions. Whatever we choose to call trouble-makers, they have a sadistic disposition with fifty shades of narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy. Perhaps sadism is more plainly seen in online interactions? The schadenfreude of written chest-beating may not be as easily forgotten as the smug grin of an everyday sadist.
In the Dark Tetrad study (Buckels et al), the pleasure of hurting people was attributed to psychopathy more than narcissism. The self-perception of superiority means narcissists are more likely to harass people or bully them, particularly after a narcissistic injury when they felt disrespected or insulted. If narcissists believe they were condescended to, or criticized in any way, they are driven to punish or eliminate the object diminishing their status. Narcissistic people are invested in sustaining their image, just as they are with in-person-relationships. So it's not that narcissists enjoy hurting people. It's a burden they must bear to be true to their superior self. < -----sarcasm
The psychopathic person is not emotionally invested in protecting his/her status, with the exception of a loosely-defined trolling community dedicated to out-performing one another. Trolls aren't concerned with maintaining the good guy image or being part of an "ordinary" community. In fact, they p-r-o-b-a-b-l-y prefer being seen as antisocial rebels, social outcasts, the bad boys of cyberspace who are willing to do what weak people can't. Since they don't care what people think and disdain common morality, they derive satisfaction from inflicting emotional pain. As the cliche goes: "If you can't join 'em, beat 'em". If you can't join 'em, destroy the group. "Do it for the lulz!"
Cyber-Trolls enjoy destroying community spirit, something they find worthy of mockery since they don't form emotional bonds. Troll's agentic traits are off-the-scale, creating a value set belittling love (if it even exists), disparaging grief (RIP Facebook trolling), deriding tenderness as weakness, laughing at people's pain. They justify humiliation as an object lesson for anyone dumb enough to care, weak enough to react, stupid enough to share.
Cyber-Trolls: Pointless and Disruptive
The suggested distinction between trolls and cyber-bullies is that bullies are affiliated with their victim in some way. Trolls tend to be anonymous, fishing for passerby's attention and reactions. If their expedition is joined by fellow trolls, the one-upmanship can be awfully entertaining---depending on the website and the subject. (See the comment section HERE)
You can spot a troll when the comment section meanders into politics or religion bashing. People could be talking about the utility of potato pesticides and a troll will comment that if it weren't for George Bush or Christianity, we wouldn't have potato bugs. And then someone defends George and Jesus and the whole place goes up in flames. Trolls push people's buttons causing reactions that makes respondents look foolish and emotional. The troll's pay-off is a rush of power, the perception of control, the joy of chaos when people are pitted against one another---defending the troll's right to free speech while abandoning the victim to his/her shame. After all, doesn't everyone know better than to take the troll's comments seriously? (Check out my resource section for a BBC video tracking Nimrod Severn posting hateful comments on memorial websites)
CyberBullies: Intentional and Malicious
"Perpetrator identities are usually clear and the intent is more straightforward" with bullies than the anonymous and pointless troll. (Buckels et al) Bullying implies a power differential so cyberbullying is a more accurate term for children and adolescents. Recent cases of cyberbullying describe teenager's sense of powerlessness when intimidated by shared photos and malicious rumors, ruining their reputations and isolating them from other people. Because teens are afraid parents will take away their internet privileges and devices, they may be less inclined to talk with family about what they're going through. Think carefully before eliminating access to the Internet. This is the world our children live in and we must think critically about protecting them. (See Resources)
Cyber-Harassment and Cyberstalking: Intimidation and Retaliation
"There is no universal legal definition of cyber-harassment, but it typically is defined as repeated, unsolicited, threatening behavior by a person or group using mobile or Internet technology with the intent to bother, terrify, intimidate, humiliate, threaten, harass or stalk someone else...Cyber-harassment and cyberstalking are often used synonymously to describe the actions of people who relentlessly pursue others online with the intention of frightening or embarrassing the victim.
"Sometimes a harasser intends to teach the victim a lesson or solicit information from him or her, and stalkers generally want revenge or attention. A stalker or harasser often will post comments to the victim that are intended to cause distress and will try to incite others to do the same. "~WiseGEEK
John Bauer
About Free Speech
“The more beautiful and pure a thing is, the more satisfying it is to corrupt.” (Buckels)
Over the past decade, cyber-communications have transitioned from unregulated comments by trolls and bullies to heavily moderated websites. Several sites have eliminated comments on featured articles. Even YouTube, notorious for adolescent bugger-picking, allows users to disallow comments on uploaded videos. My belief in open communication has been repeatedly dashed by uncivil discourse bordering on hate speech. Social media sites have reflected similar concerns and taken necessary action to protect users from harassment and abuse.
When organizing the WoN Forum, our professed value was free speech. No deletions. No banning. Some people (a minority) didn't view free speech as a privilege and a group commitment. They saw our liberal policy as a challenge and opportunity: "Can we get CZ to ban us? Can we get our posts deleted?" THAT my friends, is the shit-stirrer mentality and it's why we have explicit rules and laws limiting people who can't limit themselves. That every group has a certain percentage of shit-stirrers is a fact. Use this fact to fill the gap between idealism and reality, something every idealist must come to grips with.
It didn't take long before my belief in free speech became the troll's freedom to silence others. Trolls reaped satisfaction (not remorse) when people were terrified. My job as a manager switched from facilitating free speech, to protecting people from other people's free speech, aka: verbal abuse. It's fair to say "there is no free speech without civility."
With a huge increase in the number of blogs on the net today, individuals must make judgment calls between irritating comments expressing different, yet valid points of view; and irritating comments intended to antagonize and insult. Each blogger will have their own degree of tolerance for contentious communication depending on the subject matter and the environment (their readers). In the case of trauma and abuse communities, discernment is crucial because trolls:
1-Are unreasonable and hostile
2-Disdain common courtesy
3-Mock social responsibility
4-Lack remorse
5-Like being insulted
6-Feed on your anger
7-Create chaos, drama, and misery
8-Snicker when people self-destruct
9-See themselves as separate and superior
10-Hang out under bridges & eat nice people for breakfast
Trolls and bullies are drawn to any group where incivility garners maximum attention, inflating their sense of power, and upsetting a beautiful thing: group harmony. Trolls and bullies will use their anonymity to hurt and destroy while the majority of people use anonymity to discuss sensitive topics and protect people they care about. (Anonymity is problematic when it prevents trolls and bullies from suffering consequences for anti-social behavior.) It may seem odd to people that haven't used social media, for someone to be traumatized by an invisible, anonymous screen name posting invective messages in All Caps. But the fact is, and I can testify to it, cyber-harassment feels like emotional violence, destabilizing our psychological health. If hurtful comments are that deleterious to others, why do trolls write comments that shock, and frighten people?
"The only justification trolls have for their behavior is simply doing it for the “lulz,” or sadistic enjoyment at the expense of others." ~Do Not Feed the Trolls
If people are fairly new to the Internet, they may not have encountered a troll. Trolling, described as "trolling the cyber-sea waiting for someone to bite", was commonplace on narcissism forums and blogs. Perhaps the sheer number of blogs and forums today has minimized trolling. Higher-tech forums have eliminated most, if not all of the trolling because site managers can block people; delete people; ban people, track their IPs. As individual bloggers and forum members, we can educate ourselves and disengage from the conversation BEFORE feeding trolls' egos---and losing a good chunk of our own.
There's another factor protecting people from sadistic people and that is the group itself. It may take years before group solidarity and trust is strong enough to thwart intentional chaos. People are learning ways to intervene before the situation escalates to mayhem. What may start out as trolling can suddenly switch to harassment when the victim reacts and people choose sides. Just like the Karpman Drama Triangle, there are three sides to every cyber-harassment or trolling-for-Lulz: The harasser; The victim; The bystander.
Trolling, Cyber-harassment and bullying elevate feelings of isolation and shame, more so for victims of relational abuse, I think. When other people are witness to the conflict yet do nothing to intervene, the victim's sense of powerlessness and humiliation can be all-consuming. Traumatic memories surface, magnifying the present trauma beyond rationality. It may take several days before restoring their emotional equilibrium. It is so important for victims and scapegoats to confide in someone, even though their first instinct is to isolate and blame themselves. Talking to another person during the conflict offers perspective, validating the abuse and restoring the victim's integrity and personal efficacy.
People feel powerless, just as they did when they were children. But feeling powerless to resolve the situation is not merely a figment of their imagination! The truth is that there isn't much people can do to stop cyber-harassment once it's started, not at this point anyway. New laws are being considered because of the destructive impact harassment has on victims, including lethal consequences for children and adults. There is nothing funny about attacking people online unless of course, hurting people or watching others hurt people, is enjoyable.
John Bauer
"Trolls send abusive messages to anyone they take an instant and often irrational dislike to, are now as established on the online scene as they once were in fairy tales. "It is time, says the UK's Anti-Bullying Alliance to call a halt to a trend that is "gradually chipping away self-esteem. Cyberbullying increases isolation and impacts mental health more than other forms of bullying." ~Cyberbullies: how best to tackle online abuse?
Trolls and bullies are most effective before a group or individual gets his or her cyber-sea legs. That means new bloggers are particularly vulnerable to anonymous aggression. Like the woman who wrote about her boyfriend stalking her after she ended their relationship. A malicious troll sent this email, "I'M RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW. I CAN SEE YOU!"
She was so terrified she closed her window shades, locked her doors, and left the cybergroup. If she had been online for awhile, she'd have written, "Don't you have anything better to do? Like pick your nose or change your diaper?"
If she had been online for a l-o-n-g l-o-n-g time, she wouldn't have replied at all.
What should I do if I think I am being stalked or harassed online?
CyberAngels: keeping it safe
1- Tell the person harassing you in straight forward terms, "Leave me alone, stop harassing me. Do not contact me again." If you are in IM or chat, log off immediately and stay off-line for at least 24 hours.
2- Do not reply to anything else the harasser says. No replies to emails, taunts or lies said about you. Do NOT REPLY! Harassment is a form of power over you. If you take that power away from the harasser and refuse to "play their game" then you have become empowered instead. You are now in charge!
3- If the problem only exists in IM or chat, go off-line and completely change your online identity. This means changing your nickname and all the information you have listed in your profile. Everything must be changed!
4- In the case of email harassment you need to contact the harasser's ISP (Internet Service Provider) and make a complaint.
5- Stay out of problem chat rooms.
6- Don't give out your online ID except to "very" trusted friends and tell them not to give it out to anyone else.
7- Be certain all of your online profiles do not contain any personally identifying information about you, such as age, sex, address, phone number, school attended and teams you play on or where you work.
8- Be sure logging is enable In your IM and chat clients.
9- Keep all log files that pertain to the stalker for evidence.
10- Keep all e-mails that originate from the harasser or stalker and any replies you sent for evidence.
11- If you feel you or your family is in physical danger from this stalker, or the stalker knows where you live or has made physical threats against you- CALL YOUR LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCY OR THE FBI IMMEDIATELY!
"And all for the love of a puppy at Christmastime" ~Melody
The Web of Narcissism Forum has been operating since 2005. We've had upsets here and there but nothing as gawdawful as the PuppyGate Incident, knockonwood.
PuppyGate was a turning point in my life: incontrovertible evidence of my spectacular inability to spot female narcissism in someone I liked. Pathological narcissism was not gender-specific. What a concept!
"Narcissists do enjoy status and dominance as a way to ensure their esteem, but they are not always heavy handed in their relationships with others. Often, narcissists’ goals are best met by the use of a soft touch. Narcissists like to be surrounded by successful or popular people (e.g., the in crowd). To get this contact, they can be charming, flattering, or simply enjoyable to be around. For example, narcissists are considered entertaining and not boring, energetic, and socially confident. Indeed, narcissists’ anger and hostility may rarely emerge if things are going their way." ~Campbell, Foster & Finkel
Another article titled Chickens In Oz alludes to PuppyGate. Published in 2010, the only negative repercussion was having the article plagiarized by a scoundrel. Ya can't blame the guy for doing that---it's an awesome article discussing women's aggressive behavior towards other women (always a fun topic for voyeurs and misogynists). There's a reason women resist hanging their dirty linen in public. Too many people reinforce stereotypes about c-r-a-z-y women, rather than recognizing women are subject to aggressive instincts, too. And narcissistic women are experts at recruiting people to rescue them. So are narcissistic men. < ----feminist statements
I've waited nearly a decade to write about this conflict. Messages have been edited and names have been changed. The MSN forums where PuppyGate took place, no longer exist. My assumption is that anonymous players have moved on. Because I've maintained the WoN forum since 2005, several people have reconciled with me, even years later. I hope this post doesn't reopen old wounds, enough time having passed and wisdom gained to presume we've learned valuable lessons about healthy boundaries and female narcissism. I hope this case study benefits people currently involved in online communities.
Creating WoN
I had only been learning about NPD for three years when deciding to create a forum. Being astonishingly naive, I asked an online friend to be my co-manager even though we didn't know one another very well. She lobbied for the role, just like she lobbied for an assistant manager role on another forum and I liked her. Other people liked her. (Do you ever get a complex about all the people you've liked who turned out to be crumb-bugs and the people you didn't necessarily like, who turned out to be decent people? In between the initial liking and the inevitable not liking, a lot of bad things happen. As we're learning from research, narcissistic people are generally well-liked...until you get to know them. An important thing to pay attention to.)
My story involves a MSN hosted forum with two co-managers, a chat room, a doctor, and a pedigreed puppy causing people to bypass critical thinking and act on sentimental feelings. If they loved puppies, then anyone who loved puppies was a trustworthy person, how much plainer could it be? The greater question about ethical leadership and responsible group behavior was lost in the emotional mania of cyber-friendships and puppy love. As the forum manager, I was a tad slow on the uptake but solidly grounded in the right thing to do. Which is always the harder thing to do because people have an inconceivable determination to support wrong behavior if they like the wrong-doer. As a result of my decisions, the WoN forum split into two separate groups. Some people believed my swift action was commendable; some believed me to be jealous of my co-manager's popularity; and as usual in disputes of such ilk, some people thought me evil. At least my family didn't doubt my integrity. They're cat people, though.
In fairness, this was a complicated situation because forum members were anonymous, never having met in person. If people had met me, this incident may not have spiraled out of control. It's tempting to imagine me as a power hungry monster if you don't see me chopping mushrooms in the family kitchen. Since there weren't any tangible clues about either manager's potential lie-ability, people were forced to pay close attention to the facts. Otherwise, they based decisions on how they felt---and I was not making them feel very good about themselves. I was making people feel really bad about themselves. Conclusion? I must be a puppy hating Hitler. No really. Someone wrote that. I'm grateful the mob stopped short of setting my house on fire. Narcissistic women are sickeningly adept at recruiting people to burn other people's houses down while they make their escape squeaky clean.
It took about six months after the forum divided before people contacted me about their puppy-loving leader's financial shenanigans that should have been predictable had people not ignored the warning that someone they liked was serving herself first and foremost; that someone they liked would bend rules to get what she wanted; that someone they liked would take advantage of their gratitude.
While reading this case study, you may want to refer to my prior post for "Tips about Online Narcissists" such as unreasonableness (1) and hostility (2). There was no way to reason with this angry group once aggressive torches (3; 4) had been lit by none other than the holy puppy mother (5;14). What people could not see was how much I cared about their safety, who really had their best interests at heart. How to communicate that properly was beyond my skill but it was still my responsibility and I failed miserably. I hadn't grasped the complexity of emotional enmeshment, nor the psychological transference between narcissists and followers. I didn't understand my precarious role as an authority figure when people had suffered parental abuse. And, I didn't see the covert undermining going on behind my back and under my nose. (16) (When your nose is to the grindstone, you don't notice who's holding the ax. Pay attention to that situation, too)
Always be cautious with female leaders pretending to be silk magnolias who'd never hurt a fly lie stick a pin in their sweet potato eye sty. If pea gravel melts in her mouth, put a padlock on your wallet and change the passwords on your bank account. If I ever hear "Smoochies! loooove you!" again, I'm hittin' the road jack never lookin' back. There's no second chances. You'll believe these women are safe friends, until they aren't. Relational aggression is the narcissistic female's modus operandi so once shit stirrers (16) joined in to distract themselves from their own stink, all hell broke loose. I had a bucket of water and a three alarm fire and bystanders found it awfully entertaining. Other people were cyber-traumatized with c-ptsd. That's Cyberspace Post Traumatic Stress Disorder coming soon to a DSM near you.
I mishandled some things and handled others with dexterity, adhering to the 12-step tradition of "principles over personalities". A team of advisers hunkered down to come up with the best solutions we could. Without these women supporting me, the forum may not have survived.
As one adviser wrote, "I believe very strongly that we are fortunate to have averted a disaster. We are here, we are a bit tattered, but we are here."
Not all online communities survive. One internet community after another has been destroyed by narcissism. Women's tangled webs of malicious gossip, insinuations, and out-and-out lies preclude reasonable resolution. If the narcissistic woman has failed to dominate the group, or she doesn't get her way, she'll do her damnedest to destroy the group she leaves behind. Narcissistic women ruin online communities, ruin marriages, ruin friendships, undermining relationships behind people's backs. You'll never be the wiser until the harm has been done and then you may spend the next ten years sorting out WhatTheHellHappened. Case in point: This article.
Before you read a condensed version of PuppyGate, you need to know I began to have serious reservations about my co-manager, having heard about her character-destroying phone calls. (16) We had never spoken on the phone, she-and-I, a necessary boundary if you intend on running a group and having a life of your own. She used emails like Johnny Appleseed planting seeds of doubt and spreading destructive rumors. She was one of those women who manipulates people pleasers to do the heavy lifting while taking credit for having done everything herself. (14) Even nice people catch on after awhile. (22) My experience as Ms. Fetch and Get It (19) was repeated post-PuppyGate by other people pleasers who also did her bidding. Until they they caught on, too. (13; 14)
Chat Rooms
The chat room is a potentially dangerous place for emotional contagion if people aren't aware. The chat environment allows manipulators to mirror people's emotions; to instill distrust through pseudo-intimacies and "whispers"; and best of all: there's no paper trail. Let me restate that: there's USUALLY no paper trail. I rarely attended chat but managed to collect transcripts after being alerted to suspicious discussions. The acquired transcripts proved my co-manager had been telling people she did all the work (13; 14;), triangulating women by suggesting I was power-hungry and crazy. (2; 3; 4; 5; 7) She was also staging a coup, plotting to demote my status upon completion of the website. (21) If she managed to lock me out of admin controls, she'd be the only manager.
There were signs of our incompatibility the first day we worked together. She sent an angry email the next morning because I hadn't asked her permission before organizing the format. The email was hostile enough that my sister read it. (17) "You cannot work with that woman!" my sister freaked. "Start over with someone else, or do it yourself! This will end badly!" My sister's words came back to haunt me because I didn't trust my intuition, rationalizing my co-manager's thin skin as understandable considering our situations. Had I been in a better place psychologically, the relationship would have come to a screeching halt but instead, I believed we could work things out. This is the naivete of easy-going people, working doubly hard while hoping for the best.
There's no denying this recounting of events is tilted in my favor, cognitive biases being what they are. You be the judge. What would you do if you were the manager? What would you do if you were a group member? How easy is it, really and truly, to Spot a Narcissist?
Three months after spending ten and twelve hour days organizing the WoN forum, building web pages and writing original articles while my co-manager emailed To Do lists and chatted............
PuppyGate
the condensed version from thousands of emails and messages
"OH NO. I cannot afford this puppy but I fell in love with her face. She's a few hours away in Georgia and the breeder said she'd meet me half way. Uh Oh
(image of $1500 pedigreed puppy)
Hope y'all don't mind I'm posting photos of my POSSIBLE puppy! She's a beauty. Uh Oh. That's all I can think to say." Love, Melody
PuppyGate began with my co-manager's message to forum members. Melody had recently lost one of her two aging dogs. A new puppy would sooth her pain. But why was she looking at pedigreed pups when facing foreclosure on her home? I suggested she rescue a puppy from the pound. That would be fitting considering how compassionate and completely selfless she was. Why did she need a pedigreed dog costing more than some women spend in a month---with four kids to feed, no less?!
Melody formed numerous close relationships in the chat room. Her best chatting buddy was a chiropractor still reeling from her narcissistic relationship. Even though the following comment is out of sequence, it sums up the enmeshment developing between Dr. Chiro and Melody. A forum member defended their special relationship in this excerpt:
"Dr. and Melody have been hanging out in chat for some time now, sharing and laughing, talking and spilling their guts. They became something more than N-survivors talking about the where's and why-fores of N-survival. This breeds intimacy. Intimacy breeds care, love, concern, and the desire to do more. To save someone from their latest plight. Last time I was in chat, everyone was discussing the pain that Melody has been in..."
Pay attention to your feelings when someone is in pain because empathic people want to help. It's simple-so-simple to be sucked into someone's pain without realizing they're relying on other people's pity to give them what they want.
While Melody and Dr. Chiro were sharing miseries in the chat room, they were also plotting schemes of their own. The first scheme originated by Dr. Chiro was nicknamed The Puppy Plot, later to be known as PuppyGate when it set off a series of unexpected consequences.
Unbeknownst to me, Dr. Chiro sent the following email to forum members, mostly chat room users. As you will read in her email, Dr. Chiro knew her behavior was potentially "wrong", yet she chose to do it anyway. In hindsight, I think the good doctor was being manipulated by my co-manager but the doctor's narcissism wouldn't allow her to consider such a thing. Nor would mine. ha! (Dr. Chiro eventually had a dramatic falling out with Melody. Puppy Gate was only the beginning of their troubles.)
This is her letter to forum members. What would you do if you received a letter like this?
"Dear Friends,
I want to help our Friend Melody buy this pup. Cross your heart and hope to die. Shhhh secret enclosed. That puppy is super expensive and she has enough $ to pay for about half. But what good is half a puppy? And which half would she choose?
So many of you have expressed that you want to help get her this pup. So I am going to start a PUPPY collection. Your participation is STRICTLY voluntary and she doesn't know that I am doing this, so please cross your heart that you won't tell her! I don't want her to know that we're conspiring to get her a puppy! If you could afford anything at all it would help. And please please please if you can't afford anything it's SO OK! I promise. Not meant to guilt you at all.
Please don't tell her or the management cause I want to surprise her.
If you can help, please email me at _____. Let me know what you can send. ANYTHING will help. I know she cannot pay her mortgage and get this pup. Her brothers are going to help. And she is going to pay some. But if it isn't enough, we can just cancel the whole thing, I'll tear up the checks and no one will be the wiser!
For my part, I'm going to stop buying really unattractive SHINY things. Like the pointed gold beaded shoes I just bought because apparently my inner five year old is holding my credit cards! I knew it was WRONG...but I did it anyway! Luckily I keep receipts! Clearly I have lost my mind. Also yesterday I found a weird iTunes gadget that devil psychoboy bought for the office that was NEVER used...so I can sell it on eBay! And turn it into a PUPPY! YAY! Evil turns into GOOD!
P.S. When we get it all together I wanna send her an ecard with all our names! I know she has helped so many of us. Please don't tell her or it'll ruin my Puppy plan! The timing is important cause she has to put down a deposit. So let me know ASAP. Thanks so much. I know she will be touched." ~Dr. Chiro
Remember, neither advisers nor myself knew about Dr. Chiro's email, nor The Puppy Plot; but we realized something was up because members were sending complaints about chat cliques. Then shock and awe, this note arrived in my email:
"Dear CZ,
Dr. Chiro is getting money from members to pay for a new puppy. When I didn't send the money right away, she contacted me to see if I made payment to her Paypal account. I don't want to ruin the surprise (you are not supposed to know about it) but I feel uncomfortable sending money through Paypal. Instead, I would love to send the money directly to Melody for her puppy, she has helped me so much. I basically owe my life to her, literally. Help me make a wise decision here without causing a problem on the board or ruining anyone's surprise!"~ XXX
I replied to XXX:
"Melody is aware of our stance about accepting money or gifts from members. I'd suggest you not participate in the puppy plot. We appreciate Melody for what she has offered but this is a free forum based on free support for our members. NO ONE is obligated to pay for help that was offered freely. NO ONE. Bless your heart for daring tell me; I'm sure it was a difficult and I respect your courage for having done so." ~CZ
It was hard for me to believe people would give money to a board member after being told to keep the plot a secret. It concerned me that members would yield to what appeared to be emotional manipulation. When another person emailed me about The Puppy Plot, I wrote:
"The WoN forum is not a Jerry Lewis Marathon! Our desperate financial situations are mocked by something as unnecessary as a pedigreed puppy!"
The shit was hitting the fan as word of The Puppy Plot was spreading. Advisers and I had been through enough experiences with Melody to be concerned. She wasn't that different from the male narcissists women were writing about on the forum; i.e.: doing extra nice things and holding them hostage afterwards; demanding only the best for themselves and expecting others to give it to them. Yet here they were, giving a $1500 puppy to someone they'd never even met because they liked her?!! My advisers suggested we do the following:
1) "Dr. Chiro's decision was made independent of managers with no regard to the members. She used her membership status to extract money from selected people and deliberately kept her actions secret. There is no accountability as to the amount of money she will collect, or where it might go. Take the "everyone loves Dr. Chiro" thing out of the equation. Any con artist could come in and do the same thing!"
2) "Melody is complicit. Her posts about not having enough money evoked this. She knows people empathize and rescue. We should suggest she write a message saying she's aware someone wants to send her a gift, how much she appreciates it, but how inappropriate it is. Boundaries need to be addressed. Secrets need to be addressed. We need to hold her accountable to setting limits. That's what we would do."
We tried reaching Melody to discuss the situation before the money had been collected but she refused to answer emails or respond to our manager's board. Not more than a couple of days after we were alerted to The Puppy Plot, Dr. Chiro posted her announcement:
"Melody?? OH MELODY! We have a GIFT for YOU! I have excellent HOLIDAY NEWS! The best news I have EVER had the pleasure to deliver! We have turned Good Will into the best possible form of LOVE! PUPPY LOVE!!! We got the money! We have it! I took matters into my freakishly strong hands and I emailed some of your friends here on the forum! A Puppy PLOT! A Grassy Knoll! I asked for help, passed the hat, showed them the MOST recent horrible shoes I bought (and WILL return!)!? Yes! Oh yes! WE DID IT! Melody, make that call!! GET THAT PUP!
The puppy was *heart attack* expensive, but by splitting it all up and asking for ANYTHING anyone could afford, I have collected enough! Melody!? GO GET YOUR PUPPY! Happy Holidays! For those of you that helped, THANK YOU!
To Melody: one 12 pound boxer puppy, brand new with tags! Includes soft puppy belly, soft little paws and sweet puppy breath! No batteries required! Now we need to NAME our WoN Mascot! She's a protector for all of us!" ~Dr. Chiro
Several members replied before I could swallow another Xanax:
1) "I can't wait until Melody sees this! A very merry, most special happy Christmas, my friend! I am so glad I got to play a small role in the grassy knoll Christmas puppy plot! OOOOH, may you get very many happy puppy kisses!"
2) "Now we are sure you will have a Merrier Xmas :) Love you and glad you will have a super Xmas filled with more love than you can imagine!"
3) "We hope you enjoy your new puppy Melody as much as we LOVE YOU!! You deserve it. May you have many many happy years together and always think of us, who love you so... and whom you have helped more than you will ever know. Way to go Dr.!! And Melody- you go get that puppy and give us lots and lots and lots of pictures. I hope you and doggie and the new puppy will all be very happy! Love you oodles and oodles!
4) "i am all teary now.... i cannot believe this...what incredible people you all are...and of course i want to contribute. love you soooo!"
5) "I love you guys. This is impressive. Truly. This is genuine happy Christmas miracle heartmelting puppy stuff. Wow. "
6) "Puppy is sooooooooooooooooo cute. I think my email is in my profile if not let me know and I can forward it on to who I need to. Give me an addy to send the mula!"
7) "I am so happy you all did this for Melody, but was I out or what? I check my email everyday and I look in here every other day and this is the first I hear of passing the hat. I feel I missed the train somehow, so please count me in too. How did you get everyone to contribute?"
And from Melody:
"You all did this? Really did this? I am overwhelmed, speechless, OH MYGOSH My hands are shaking so badly I can't type. Oh Thank You Thank You! There are no words. As soon as I've calmed down a bit I'll be back. I am so Overwhelmed
We Love You ALL SO!"~ Melody & Doggie
At this point, I stepped in with a serious downer that didn't increase my popularity:
"Dear Dr.Chiro,
Please email me immediately. We need a private discussion."
Once the Puppy Plot had accomplished its mission, I worried about being locked out of my own forum. I rushed to admin controls lickety-split and demoted my co-manager to assistant manager status. Now she couldn't demote me or take over the forum. I also deleted Dr. Chiro's membership, informing her she had broken our code of conduct and if she wanted to be reinstated, she could apply for membership in two weeks. The demotion and deletion tactics learned on a prior MSN forum, didn't go over too well on the WoN forum either; but damned if I didn't beat those rapscallions to the finish line. So much for nice people being stupid or weak. (22) I crafted a firm but kind email and sent it to Dr. Chiro:
"Dear Dr. Chiro,
We need to talk about gathering funds on a message board to buy a manager a gift. This is a boundary violation which I am sure you understand being a doctor yourself. We will not tolerate this secretive behavior.
I received a few emails today from members who were told they ought not tell CZ. This undermines my leadership, divides members against one another and is highly inappropriate. As you already know, or you would have asked management first.
I am suspending your membership immediately for undermining forum leadership. After two weeks, you may re-apply if managers agree to accept your membership. If you would like to correspond in private, you may do so at this address: czbz@TotallyExhausted.com"
It didn't take long for someone to notice the demotions:
"Dr. Chiro's profile says she isn't a member anymore.....what is going on?"
I chose not to publish my email to Dr. Chiro for members to read at that point, and maybe I should have because this is how Melody twisted the content after Dr. Chiro shared my email with her. Read Melody's interpretation of my email below and then re-read the actual email above. Without publishing the actual email, members relied on Melody's interpretation:
"Why wasn't Dr. Chiro allowed to explain she meant nothing sinister, was unaware of any MSN rule (which has yet to be posted and I can't find) and why was she sent such a cruel email that she nearly wrecked driving home from being pummeled with ugly words for her incredible kindness act? And all for the love of a puppy at Christmastime." ~Melody
"Ahhh...isn't she sweet?!!"
Meanwhile, away from the troops she was inciting to mutiny, Melody continued to ignore my emails and messages. The subject title of my last unanswered message might have had something to do with that and I regret writing in anger, but I was furious at what was happening to the forum. I titled my message: "Are you going to respond to this mess you created, Melody?" Frustrated by that point and completely ignoring BIFF rules for high-conflict situations (Bill Eddy would be disappointed) I wrote:
"Dear Melody,
When we weep for a new puppy and BEG wounded people to buy her for us, this is what we create. I thought you would pull yourself together and realize it was wrong to trigger emotionally-suffering women's desire to give you, a manager for cripe's sakes, a new puppy for Christmas! And I've not heard a peep from you. Nor did you refuse to accept such a gift as good MANAGERS would do immediately.
I would like to know if you have accepted money from other women for the legal advice you offered. You owe me at least that much. Otherwise, I shall write them myself. Call me a bitch if you want but this forum is not a showcase for your troubles. You think you got problems? Take a look around yourself. As long as I am ripping you a new one, let me add: there is legal behavior and then there is moral behavior. This entire unfolding of events was immoral in my perspective. You took advantage of peoples' goodwill and I believe it was intentional on your part....extremely manipulative and dishonest.
You can probe all you want into MSN's rules of conduct to see if you 'qualify' to keep that expensive puppy. OR, you can look into your soul and see how wrong it is if even ONE member feels badly because a bunch of wealthy women put their money together and bought a forum manager a very expensive gift.
The fact that you are peering through the Rules of Conduct rather than asking yourself 'why' this might be inappropriate, says a lot about where your heart is. And it certainly says a lot about your ability to manage a forum of wounded people. We must be impeccable about accepting donations, gifts, money, etc. from anyone who is traumatized. Does this make sense to you or shall I find a link for you to read?
Managers must be above reproach for our dear members who would do anything, absolutely anything to give back. I am horrified to find out you cannot see the distinction between yourself as a manager and members. I am doubly horrified at your message on the forum justifying unjustifiable behavior." ~CZ
This did not work out very well as savvy readers will have already surmised. Instead of answering this message when it was posted, she waited until the puppy had been given to her and THEN she published my private message on the public forum, titled, "A message left for me by CZ". Posting private correspondence is a common tactic with narcissistic people who appeal to the group for support, seeing themselves as more influential than they actually are; recruiting rescuers; and at the same time, betraying an ethical code. They trespass ethical boundaries when posting private correspondence and we all know this. Unfortunately, people who like that person will leap to their rescue, ignoring the infraction which may be a warning of bad things yet to come.
Because she posted a private message from our manager's board, I demoted Melody's assistant manager status to that of member. Melody wrote:
"Now I've been demoted to member but I just found this message. It's been copied by four other members so you can delete it if you want to, but honestly, it's going to get passed around. I think every woman I ever lent a legal hand to will tell you, I never would take a dime although they offered over and over.
Your behavior is appalling." (7)
Blame-shifting, reversing victims, downplaying her transgression, and recruiting people to defend her integrity against the big bad authority figure who's spoiling her Christmas present: CZ. (21) She was also distorting the situation by suggesting she had everyone's support and I was in big trouble now! She was using the group to defend herself against me. My goal had been protecting people's safety and now they saw me as Melody's persecutor. Nobody manipulates the Drama Triangle quite like a narcissistic woman.
On Being Appalling
I've written to hundreds of people for over a decade, managing a free forum where they can build supportive relationships. Never in all those years has anyone offered me $1500. Is that because I'm not worth $1500 and Melody was? If anyone wonders how "innocent" Melody may have been in The Puppy Plot, t-h-i-n-k about it. She must have been doing something for anonymous people to fork over their hard-earned cash. (here's a guess as to why she got that puppy: covert manipulation). The truth is that lots of people have given her money---some women are very clever at wheedling. Benefactors won't know they've been had, 'til they reach in their pocket for lunch money and it's gone.
"I am one hair away from homelessness," someone wrote. "I have a few bucks to live on for maybe another month, but what greater gift could I give than to give love? And a puppy is love. Dr. Chiro did a beautiful thing."
Another forum member said, "Dr. Chiro didn't seek only a few "wealthy women" to contribute, she emailed me and hell, I am not wealthy at all. Melody, I love you."
"Then she stamped her little foot and said: "Be so mean if you want to!...Hateful, hateful, hateful!"—and she flung out of the house with a new explosion of crying." ~Tom Sawyer
Everybody loves Melody
The following message is an example of incoming criticism and there was lots of it. Maybe fifty or sixty messages a day. Even repetitive nonsense such as "Puppy Hater" written over and over like a scene out of Jack Nicholson's The Shining. We set the forum to Moderation Mode, approving messages before they could be posted. I glued my fingers to me arse when opening hate mail. The animosity was shocking. Even today, while reconstructing this sequence of events, it stuns me that people saw my co-manager as needing their protection. Oh, the crazy lengths we'll go to please our favorite narcissist!
The following email is an example of unreasonable anger. This is a harsh email, so if you're triggered by hostility, you may want to skip it:
"CZ, you have violated the trust of every single member of this forum tonight. You have taken something that was a beautiful and special testimony of the affection forum members have for one of the managers - NOT you - and turned it into a projection screen where you strut your vindictiveness and jealousy before the entire NPD cyber world. You should be ashamed of yourself.
You have taken an innocent gesture and distorted it into the most bizarre display of ill will and bad temper that I have ever witnessed on the internet. You owe every member of this forum an apology! I can only think that some extreme stress in your personal life has caused you to react in an outlandish and unprofessional manner. Perhaps you would be happier going back to being a manager on the NPD site. You have broken the trust of all here.
One final thing. I resent being referred to as a wealthy woman. I get $645.00 a month from SSDI. I have a TEMPORARY job delivering phone books which is destroying the car I cannot afford to replace. I donated $10.00 toward the gift of a puppy for my friend. I'll donate another $10.00 toward your next session with a competent professional therapist. Oh, I forgot! You'd be too "moral" to accept it. Never mind."
And welcome to the point, my friend. You are exactly the woman I am defending. This author emailed me after a falling-out with Melody precipitated her regrets. She said she'd been caught up in something she didn't understand, that she felt terrible about her behavior, and would I forgive her so she could let it go? Well, of course I forgave her. I had almost forgiven myself for doing the best I could even though it wasn't good enough to stop the situation from spiraling out of control. The fact is, I was in way over my head, clueless to the covert smear campaign that had been waged against me for months.
We shut down the chat room to encourage people to write about their thoughts and feelings. Not everyone saw the chat room as emotionally destructive, though:
One woman wrote: "I found chat to be a place of humor, compassion, venting, problem-solving, and provided a way in real time for people who felt either less prone to express themselves in posts, or just needed help, support, or camaraderie in the moment. I don't feel chat is a less healthy way to express oneself than posts....most people did both."
And a rebuttal from another member: "Chat, by its nature ends up as a private private forum unless the transcripts are posted. I get the benefit and the immediacy of chat and it is also cool to make friendships on the board. But there is nothing that chat adds that cannot be dealt with on the boards in full view of everyone, equally. Any time you turn something into an exclusive place it hurts those left out and, devalues and discards them. I spent to much time trying to get into the Ns club: his world, his life. Little did I know that was never possible. I don't want walls and velvet ropes, no matter how innocently they are put up, on a place I come to for equitable healing."
Even with incoming insults and death threats (yes, really), forum members deserved answers and they definitely needed more explicit rules than our simple code of conduct. I wrote to forum members:
"Dear members,
While we would like to please everyone, we also realize this would be an impossible task. In respect of forum members' privacy, we will not reveal additional information than has already been provided on message threads. These are Management's Decisions: Chat will remain closed for an indefinite period of time. Exchange of gifts or monies will result in mandatory termination. Melody will remain a member of WoN at her choice. Dr. Chiro will remain in temporary suspension until she chooses to re-apply.
We appreciate everyone's input on this issue. We also hope that after thoughtful contemplation, each member will accept our decisions as protecting the safety and the sanctity of our forum." ~CZ
Now you might think this would settle things down and people could get on with the business of healing, but it didn't. Like all traumatic experiences, people needed to talk about what had taken place. How they felt about it. Their concerns and regrets. That was understandable. Cyber-relationships are relationships, after all. Scores of messages poured in:
1) "I was excluded and do not feel left out or sad. It was a wonderful giving Melody a puppy. I am sure those involved would have handled things differently, but it was done with the best intentions so what's wrong with that? If anybody is feeling left out and sad maybe they need to work out why that is? Perhaps there are other issues for them?"
2) "I am disturbed Melody was not informed of her demotion before other members told her. This seems passive aggressive, like triangulation. I realize she did not respond to CZ's messages appropriately but surely nothing was so urgent that this courtesy had to be skipped? How 'bout "an attitude of gratitude" and some lassitude. Yes, I do mean special treatment. It gives the impression of management being stressed out and reactive."
3) Gasper wrote: "It looks like a bloodbath to me, with 12-step principles applied to it retrospectively."
My patience run-out at this point, I reacted:
"Knock it off, Gasper. We've had our run-ins before and if you don't like it here, get a towel, wipe the blood off your face and move on. Your choice. If members have further criticisms or judgments or wisdom from their vast knowledge of board management experience, please email us. However, we will not reveal any more information than we have already gone OVERBOARD revealing."
That comment from me made me take a step back and look at myself. Was I being too hasty? Maybe I was overly harsh with Melody, she had lost her beloved dog after all. Was I using power unfairly? Was I letting my prior frustration with Melody cloud my reasoning? Luckily, a welcomed email arrived from a trustworthy source, confirming what we already knew had been going on in chat. At this point, we realized other people besides ourselves were aware of the chat room shenanigans. We decided to keep this email and the chat transcripts private since we believed people had enough information to make their decisions. I still don't know if that was the right approach or not. The email said:
"Becky was in chat the night before PuppyGate went down. And guess what? Melody was getting ready to stage a coup and get rid of assistant managers and CZ because CZ had gone crazy and was power hungry!! Melody was drumming up supporters!"
So tell me, what would you do? Would you post this private information? At the time, we believed people had made up their minds and there was no point attempting to convince them otherwise OR defend my integrity. I usually err in "over-explaining", assuming people will be swayed by evidence or logic and this almost NEVER works. I concluded that healthy boundaries meant protecting my values and allowing others to live by theirs, learning as we all do through our mistakes.
As studies on cognitive dissonance suggest, people believe what they want/need to believe; they see what they want/need to see. If they had invested in The Puppy Plot, they'd justify their decision no matter how illogical or wrong it might be.
The inevitable Suicide Threat
No online conflict worth its salt would be complete without a suicide threat, would it? The next episode in Upping the Ante was being charged with Dr. Chiro nearly killing herself. The threat of the doctor's almost-suicide released another torrent of outraged support for her, another round of darts and arrows for me. That I was popping Oreos faster than my former co-manager could fabricate lies, was my private hell. I wasn't about to use my anxiety to garner people's pity. Even if betraying a confidence might have saved me from a hanging, I resisted posting private confidences. This resistance gives troublemakers an advantage, though. They can twist situations to suit themselves while their victim is bound by her conscience (and her confusion, ha!).
1) "Dr. Chiro is damn near dead inside today! She almost killed herself on the way home last night. This is not drama, this is truth. She cannot stop crying. She's in terrible pain. How bitter I am. How wrong this is!"
2) "My Christmas will be a better one because of that puppy, and imagining Melody's face when she gets to hold her. Love to all of you puppy people. The spirit that you acted in shines over all the ensuing crap."
3) "Without my two beautiful, funny, naughty, dogs, I wouldn't be here. Literally. They saved my life. And now I need to go and hug them, because this place is a painful place to be and they are the only things in my life I can rely on. If you've never known the unconditional love a dog can bring you, you won't understand."
4) "And all for the love of a puppy at Christmastime." ~Melody
My former (thank god) co-manager wrote another message intending to discredit WoN now that she and her recruits had created a new forum. She insinuated WoN was unsafe and if people wanted security, they should abandon the Mother Ship and join their fearless captain on "Escape Narcissism: The Pirate Ship". Melody somehow someway managed to turn me into a dangerous and narcissistic leader (21) and people believed her when she wrote:
"The ugly words spoken to Dr. Chiro, her banning, the crushing of her spirit so cruel it is impossible to comprehend. Doctor is a very bright woman and would have understood had it been explained to her kindly. It wasn't explained to me either."
(Note: “If you can’t understand it without an explanation, you can’t understand it with an explanation.” Haruki Murakami, 'Town of Cats'. Yes. Cats. Not dogs.)
Melody continued: "My demotion? I know why, but members don't. It's because I don't agree with what has been happening on this forum, none of which you are aware of, and it involves admitting members without proper screening to create a spark on this forum. It is being said that members need these disruptions to toughen up, that we cannot be their shield, their defender, their protector."
The truth behind her secrets-bad-managers-won't-tell-you comment is that someone from another forum had applied for membership. I believed the applicant would be good for the group because she wasn't prone to GroupThink. She was a critical thinker and yes, okay, yea---a bit of a shit-stirrer. Because managers could not arrive at a unanimous vote to accept Queenie's membership, majority vote ruled over Melody's objection. The "seeds of distrust" planted in Melody's message demonstrates how narcissists bend the truth to create doubt in other people's minds. (As a side note, Queenie followed Melody to The Pirate Ship, rejecting WoN. O yea, baby. Emotional manipulators are just that good.)
Melody continued: "When I give my word and promise, I must know in my heart that it is the truth. I've been fighting with my co-managers to defend my honor and it is that which is now being attacked. Very few things are ever how they truly appear. This is not about puppies, Christmas, whether an MSN rule was broken or not, or Dr. Chiro, although that is where the fallout has landed. It's about the use of power for questionable reasons that would harm each member and will continue to do so. That is what this is about, not puppies. And all of this, all of it---over the love of a puppy at Christmastime."
Take note of her blame shifting, secondary arguments, DARVO. (21) This comment is a perfect example of recruiting rescuers by telling people she's being attacked unfairly---thus setting up the drama triangle with me as her persecutor. She claimed the mantle of honor while disparaging me as dishonorable, an example of splitting. (4) Many of you have experienced this with narcissistic people who flip reality, claiming to be of utmost moral rectitude when they've been caught with their hand in the cookie jar, their pants around their ankles, plotting mutinies in chat rooms. My only hope was that once the emotional tidal wave subsided, people would ground themselves in facts, in reality. My best recourse (or so I thought at the time) was to "hunker down and let the bombs fall."
And right on cue, someone picked up on Melody's inference that WoN wasn't a safe place:
1) "I am concerned about the narcissist getting on here and I EXPECT precautions be taken when a story sounds fishy or it mirrors the story of another member!!!"
2) "This is about a betrayal of trust on the part of CZ toward the rest of us. Until CZ makes that right, I for one can do no further healing here."
3) "You need to look at the principals involved. Stop trying to force CZ to do what YOU want. YOU are not more important than everyone else here. Stop being emotional and use your brain for a moment!"
4) "Please don't waste your time offering me your advice. I am sure there are others here who could use your assistance. I am not one of those people!"
5) "CZ, you've let down SO many good people here and as a member I've been let down too. I can't stay here. Please terminate my membership."
Because administrative maintenance reviewing membership applications was my responsibility (yea, the grunt work), I assumed my message would clear things up. Note to Self: never assume logic or direct evidence will settle an online conflict.
I wrote: "If members are concerned about WoN management not putting their safety as one of our highest priorities, please review past threads to see who has been doing the work to keep members safe. Your safety IS important to all of us screening incoming applications, reviewing threads, emailing concerned members, and reviewing suspicious messages. If this is not obvious by the countless hours we have spent sniffing out suspects in order to protect you, then there really isn't much more we can say." ~CZ
To illustrate people's divergent views of Puppy Plot, several well-reasoned comments were posted, such as the following:
1) "The controversy is not so much about the people. It's about what is appropriate and not appropriate. What issues are in question here? What boundaries have been violated? These questions will eventually help us to define our boundaries around forum collections and gifts. I want to encourage you to become patient with these issues. Anything that we take with us, emotionally and mentally from this experience is more than a gift...it's something that we can't take up a money collection for...it's a soulful wealth that can be shared by all."
2) "Let's give the money back, or agree to give it to the coalition Against Domestic Violence. Let's restore Dr. Chiro to the forum. Let Melody and CZ decide whether they can work together privately. Let us get on with the work at hand: Healing."
3) "We have a lot of people here with financial difficulties. They are having problems with Christmas for their own children, money for food for their families, gas for their cars. It puts life in a different perspective when you are scrambling to keep your head above water and people are spending an inordinate amount of time on the puppy fund. The puppy fund should have been taken completely off the board, to private emails."
4) "I am so sad about this. If the parties look at their motives and think through how the group was affected, the act was intensely selfish and that is the real lesson. All the back and forth jokes are self serving---the passing of the hat, the self aggrandizing (when you need attention for your charitable works, the works are no longer charitable). I have been logging on for the past few weeks and women who need emotional support go ignored as the puppy clique grows larger and larger. Many members have been excluded."
5) "It is beautiful to love Melody and want her to be happy, but in a world where thousands of dogs need homes and will be killed this holiday season, a pedigree pup purchase is doubly wrong and sends a message I do not understand."
6) "I stand by Melody and Dr. Chiro because of the fact that this IS a matter of the heart, and intentions were not meant to be cruel or evil. I understand CZ's position but there is error on everyone's part and with some effort and a little less drama, I believe it can be fixed. Otherwise this place will topple. This is in no way a threat CZ. It is the way these things end up, just one big huge mess.....a bloodbath with causalities everywhere."
7) "No offence is meant by this post to anyone who opened their hearts and donated to the puppy fund. However, there are women on this list one step away from women's shelters, women escaping abuse with little or no funds, women without medical coverage, women with children and no idea how they will survive another week let alone provide a Christmas. Why are we not raising funds for them? I know this was done out of love for Melody, but please keep in mind some of the terrible situations and dire straights members may be in and perhaps arrange this stuff off list."
8) "A gift was given out of love. It should end there."
You may be asking yourself at this point:
Is this a healing forum or is this a kennel?
"Whatever happens dear Melody, know this: There are so many behind you. Should you decide to get the hell out, you will be followed where ever you go. Loads and loads of kisses and hugs and all things good---like puppies at Christmastime." ~an admirer
And with management's refusal to budge on our decisions, dissenters escaped narcissism, sailing away on a Pirate Ship with Captain Melody at the helm. Aye aye and tally ho! We now had two forums instead of WoN and people were free to choose the best place for their recovery. In a big picture view, this was a good thing. There weren't enough forums in 2005 and as a consequence, people were subjected to irresponsible forum leadership banning and deleting without censure.
Advisers and I restored our focus on WoN, reviewed the mission statement, and modified our code of conduct to protect people from financial manipulation in the future. And then:
The Inevitable Lawsuit Threat & Demand for Apology
We had been forced to cancel several memberships before and after The Pirate Ship set sail, contacting each person and explaining why---which was a far cry beyond the typical "unexplained bannings" on N-forums. In the example below, the author was part of the chat room mutiny, yet she still sent me this email after her membership had been cancelled:
"CZ, because I have made my real name (LitigiousLilly) and my location (HellAndBack) known to the general membership, your comments are something I can hold you legally responsible for. I would also like for you to address your accusation of my behaving abusively in chat. I would like to see the transcripts. You have brought my personal integrity into question and unless you show me proof of your statements or issue a public apology and retraction of your words, I will seek legal action against you."
I replied to her concerns about her real name and location ruining her reputation:
"Dear LitigiousLilly,
We have no messages on our forum about your membership cancellation. Any threads referring to PuppyGate have been deleted. I hope this is an early Christmas present from WoN managers to you and everyone who has moved on with their healing.
It is our hope that each person will find peace about the inevitable division of forums. The more forums there are on the web, the more we'll be able to help others. Take care of yourself. I wish nothing but serenity and joy in your life."
And LitigiousLilly replied:
"In other words, having done the damage, you now have destroyed the evidence of your misdeeds when called upon to take responsibility for your actions. Rather than retract statements that have no basis in the truth, you simply sweep the entire thing under the carpet, leaving those who read your words still believing them to be an accurate portrayal of my character. You then have the audacity to describe your self-serving action as an "early Christmas present." It won't wash. I have screenshots of the pages in question. Merry Christmas!"
Damned if you do and damned if you don't! The ol' Catch-22. We removed threads in the hopes of restoring peace but did she interpret this as a peace-offering? No. "You only did that to destroy the evidence!" she wrote. And no, there was no lawsuit, only the threat of a lawsuit.
Before moving on to resolutions, the following exchange merits placement in the story. It should say something to people studying narcissist's cool and collected behavior because as you can imagine, my emotional state was ragged. I was frazzled and broken-hearted now that my Web of Narcissism dream was in the dumpster and all over the love of a puppy at Christmastime. ARGH
"Melody, have you been taking Gandhi/Nelson Mandela pills? You are so chilled, diplomatic and laid back about this it is awesome! Isn't she incredible?" ~a male admirer
Melody replied: "As much as we want to be peacemakers, straddle the diplomatic fence (which I am famous for), keep the peace to keep the boat from rocking, the waves rock it on their own no matter what we do."
Remorse---Gratitude---Resolution
Three signs someone is NOT a narcissist
The following comment was how I hoped people would handle PuppyGate and it speaks to the author's resiliency tolerating this traumatic conflict in a mindful way:
"When Dr. Chiro was banned, I didn't understand---I was mad, and I was mad at CZ for acting in what I thought was pure haste. How could CZ ban someone for such a loving gesture? But I love CZ, so how could I question her judgement? NO! I'm mad!!! But she saved me!! Was she for real? No, how can she be---she just killed her board. But that isn't the CZ I have come to know and respect and love for all these months.
"I had to take a day or so off the board to get my feelings in check and truly figure out what I believed. I have read numerous posts, some of them twice and I now have the understanding that I needed. CZ & Co., you did an amazing thing! I respect management even more now. I saw that some of the people who got banned, really needed to take a good long look at their behavior."
A forum member responded to her message:
"Your comment was thrilling to read! I love that you took time off to ponder what was true FOR YOU and came to a loving conclusion that was so well written. I felt the love in your voice and the power of joy in your spirit and it lifted me, truly. Thanks for your tribute to the managers. They are amazing and wise women and I am so grateful for the time they take out of their lives and families to create a forum for many to share and hug and learn and grow. It's really a privilege, not a right. Maybe thinking and a little gratitude would have saved the bannees."
The floodgates were opened and managers breathed a sigh of relief:
1) "I commend you for "holding the vision" together. It takes courage to be a leader and the ability to regroup and come up on top. You have done this and you have my utmost respect. You have not wavered with your intentions of making this a wonderful community. When I first joined this forum in it's beginnings...... I embraced the principles that set this group apart from any other on the net."
2) "CZ, what a crummy job you have had these past few days. I was the CEO of a company and on my first day a sage person said to me, "You will have to eat a yard of shit every day but you must never forget you are the boss." He was so right. I did the job for 7 years and I never lost sight of his advice. Each time I had to make a decision I thought, what can I decide that helps everyone. And then I made those decisions. (always the co-dependent and I don't happen to think it is a bad thing!). In the short term, people hated and cursed me but in the long run, they came to understand. You have to do what you have to do; for yourself and who you are, and stand for. Some of us out here love and respect what you are doing and will be here no matter what. I get so much comfort from this board and totally respect what you are doing."
3) "Gosh CZ, This is heavy duty and I know that it had to be done for the good of the general membership. A big hug for having the cojones to do what needed to be done. You have my respect and have created a safe zone for "wounded warriors" who need positive support. THANKS"
4) "CZ, you have my profound respect and admiration. There is no one I would rather have as the Manager of this forum. Your integrity and conviction of purpose is more apparent as time goes on. I am blessed to be in this place, at this time, with you. Thank you for the opportunity to be on your team. And PracticalJude: You are the calm in the storm, the light in the dark, and I am privileged to serve with you on this board. Thank you for all you have done always and for your dedication to this board. Members, Thank you for your faith and hope. I look forward to that which is yet to come, for all of us."
Get the Kleenex. People were beginning to understand the serious issues at stake and no, it wasn't about puppies. It was about ethics and principles and leaders being able to set aside their PETty self-interests in service of the group. It took awhile before people could integrate the ordeal. We lost a lot of members who couldn't cope with the confusion. We lost a lot of members who gave up on cyber-space as a SAFE place to learn and grow. That is the tragedy of online conflicts, making it even more important that leaders familiarize themselves with the Signs of Destructive Online Narcissists.
I will never uncover all the damage done because of my relationship with Melody. Critical emails were attributed to me. Phone calls were made to discuss my character. One woman was terrified she'd been emailing me privately since rumor suggested I was a psychopath. Melody used any bit of information to plant seeds of doubt in people's minds. Emotional pain works like fertilizer in the minds and hearts of suffering people. Perhaps Melody was the kind of person who tore people down to build herself up---narcissistic people feel diminished when someone thinks you're swell. They almost can't stop themselves from inventing insults to prove how bad you are (which makes them look superior and restores their self-esteem). If they feel guilty about assassinating your character behind your back, ten bucks says "Smoochies! I loooove you!" will show up in your email.
Numerous people have been brave enough to tell me about their experiences with Melody. That people believed outlandish lies was disheartening because some of her secret revelations involved my x-spouse whom she'd never met. She did this with anyone who knew me in cyberspace---even with people considered to be friends, but especially with those that weren't. When I confronted her about an email attributed to me but written by herself, she said:
"Everyone has been guilty of trusting someone, confiding in them, to have their words later used against them. This is nothing new. Every single person in this world has felt this sting from friends, intimate family members, and cyber buddies. We are human, we do this. We share our thoughts, sometimes not so pretty ones, but it's the way we feel."
And there you have it. Feelings become facts and forums turn into kennels. When it comes to taking personal responsibility and admitting mistakes, the narcissist's agentic "I" magically transforms to the communal "WE do this".
In case anyone wonders, had The Puppy Plot taken place off-board as some suggested and the gift collection managed privately, I'd still have demoted Melody's status for unethical behavior. As PracticalJude counseled, "Managers that make mistakes should be able to acknowledge them and correct them. Everything that followed suggested she wasn't up to the task of leadership." Pay attention to Jude's advice if you're involved in a conflict and managers believe themselves above reproach.
If any of my readers would like advice on starting a safe and trustworthy forum, you'll have to contact me. The Pirate Ship sank years ago when the trustworthy Captain swam away with the sharks, leaving her crew stranded on the poop deck.
p.s. You may be wondering if I ever heard from my former co-manager again. Well, yes. I did. About one year later.
Dear CZ,
I am sure this letter comes as quite a surprise. Well, life is full of surprises and sometimes they are very rich and rewarding. I do hope this turns out to one of them. Despite what happened in the past best summed up as raging emotions, we were there for each other through some immensely difficult times and that is worth remembering. The rest just isn't. I've been off forums since 2006—the day a new chapter began that has been one of the best in my life. A magnificent time filled with those things life is all about—challenges wrapped with glorious happenings and new discoveries. I have not cast my eyes upon the Pirate Ship nor any other NPD forum since that day.
I was talking to so-and-so on the phone yesterday asking how everyone was, what’s the news and she said, "Why don’t you use my log-in and look at the Pirate Ship?" I did. A grin the size of Texas spread across my face seeing the marvelous names of the marvelous people that once filled my every waking moment keeping me sane.
So-and-so also directed me to your blog and it is quite lovely. One of the things I've been doing is internet marketing and I want to give you a few suggestions for visibility to your blog........(yada yada wordpress anchor-texts blahbetyblah rankings).......
We can talk about this later if you’d like. Right now let me tell you the reason for this letter. I am sending an email to the few remaining Ship members to gather again for a party, a bon voyage, coming together again. You are invited as are others who would like to drop by. In talking with so-and-so, we thought telling you first was best as some surprises we can do without. We’ll decide on the date very soon.
My very best to you,
Melody
I declined response.
I've thoroughly enjoyed finding new bloggers through the Slayer Award and reading their stories and personal insights. Ursula, the author of An Upturned Soul, posted an excellent article asking her readers an intriguing question: Online Narcissists--Does the blog you follow belong to a narcissist?
She asks: "What if you are following the blog of a Narcissist? Does it matter? Does it affect you? Do you even notice? After all, bloggers are supposed to write about themselves, about their lives, and share their thoughts and feelings, and do so in a way which is creative and perhaps even exaggerated for effect and entertainment purposes...I think if you've never been in a relationship with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, then Following the blog of a Narcissist, won’t make any difference to you. It’ll inspire and entertain and that’s that. But what if you’re recovering from a relationship with a Narcissist and you follow a blog which is powered by Narcissistic Personality Disorder?" ~An Upturned Soul
There's a distinction between trait narcissism as measured in social network studies and the "destructive narcissism" we discuss on blogs about pathology (clinical disorders). How normal narcissists affect readers and society is fascinating, too; but for today, my focus is on the impact destructive-to-pathological narcissists have on others and how we might inform ourselves before we're harmed. So my answer to Ursula's question is that yes, it can be dangerous if vulnerable people are "following" someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
My short answer is this: narcissist's unstable self-esteem and grandiosity is hyper-sensitive to ego threats. Narcissists are more willing to use aggression than non-narcissists. (Bushman) Narcissists are particularly likely to displace their aggression on innocent bystanders. (Buffardi) Good people serve as scapegoats because they limit the degree of harm they're willing to inflict on others. Their private emails may be posted publicly, private pictures may be circulated on the net, hate blogs may be written---all in the narcissist's attempt to regulate self-esteem by destroying others. If you have befriended an online narcissist, you will eventually say something perceived to be an insult and you may be treated more cruelly than you were by the narcissist propelling you to the Internet.
And my long answer is the following. Pack a lunch. This is complicated.
Most of us are reeling from cognitive dissonance and low self-esteem when we join blogs and forums about narcissism. We are suggestible, confused and hurt when browsing the Internet for a safe place to land. We are vulnerable. Even psychologists have valid concerns about secondary trauma when people misplace trust in anonymous bloggers and forums that may not be safe. Why? Because "anonymity may make narcissists particularly prone to becoming cyber-bullies." (Buffardi) In addition to this alarming concern, narcissistic leaders lack the essential emotional intelligence and impulse control needed to respect readers' fragility as a sacred trust. Vulnerable people are hurt by people promoting themselves as experts, yet lacking tolerance for the powerfully negative emotions arising in every recovery community. Without compassion and empathy (something narcissists struggle to have, even in small doses), participants will be hurt, especially by groups promoting an eye-for-an-eye vengeance.
The bad news is that narcissists present as strong leaders and we like them instantly. Wounded people feel powerless, thus drawn to people who appear to be powerful. We may even feel safe; but their charismatic charm erodes with a kerplunk after engaging with them for awhile. Keith Campbell writes, "Narcissists may be confident, exciting, or charming at first, but their likability may fade over time as their grandiosity becomes apparent." (Campbell 2002) Pathological narcissism manifests in social interactions, how that person relates to others. You may not see the pathology until there's a conflict. Vulnerable people may be irreparably harmed when the person with a narcissistic personality turns on them, abusing their dignity and self-respect. This has happened over and over. I'm grateful to have a chance to talk about it because I was such a victim, having trusted the wrong people who appeared to be safe. The pain of a secondary character assassination so close to the shock of my divorce, was psychologically traumatic. I don't write that to be dramatic. If only someone had offered me a guideline! The fact that I'm still here is testament to my healthy narcissism. The fact that I trusted the wrong people is testament to my unhealthy narcissism. yikes.
The recovery community (which is different from a see-me-blog or a writer's forum) is pockmarked with self-promoting narcissists who cause inestimable misery. This article is a reflection of my online experiences, the missed signs, my botched attempts to resolve problems only making matters worse because of my ignorance. I assumed anyone joining a forum and writing a blog was like myself. I hope my experiences will help people avoid the pitfalls and traps I've miserably fallen into and slowly drug my bedraggled arse out of.
"Narcissists will go where they can get an audience. There may be generational delays in the adoption of certain tools, they may become harder to spot as we all become more obsessed with ourselves...But as the road of technological progress goes ever on and on, narcissists will follow it. “If there’s an opportunity to look good, get attention, to appear attractive and to gather followers, it’s going to draw narcissists,” Campbell says, “whether it’s politics, media or social media.” ~Julie Beck, How to Spot a Narcissist Online
Most of the research about online narcissists focuses on Facebook and Twitter. Spotting a narcissist on Facebook isn't that difficult and besides, this research describes trait narcissism, not the narcissistic disorder. Research suggests the average person is a pretty darn good spotter even without studying narcissism. But normal narcissism is w-a-y different from pathological and I don't believe we can spot pathological narcissism by the updates to their profile, the number of "selfies" on their sites, or their happy-happy-joy-joy positivism bordering on the Magical Kingdom. Blogs can be healthily self-validating for people who are not narcissistic. So the problem for "followers" is not the self-promoting narcissist whose arrogance fairly struts off the page. The problem is destructive or pathological narcissism because it's not that easy to spot. Pathological narcissists "mask" their grandiosity which is why bloggers may naively support someone with a more pathological degree of narcissism than the arrogant-oblivious narcissist in their home.
I think the reason why online narcissists are dangerous to their followers is because pathological narcissism is realized in the social interactions, after we have engaged with them and most likely, given them ammunition to use against us. Narcissists may construct websites with all the right links and emotionally evocative imagery attracting a supportive audience; but they cannot sustain long-term relationships that aren't punctuated by unpredictability. Inevitably, a disaster is in the making. Or as Sandra Brown has written, "Inevitable harm." This can be crippling to those who've risked opening their hearts and their lives to online experts, bloggers and forum friends. Anonymity won't protect us from feeling shamed, silenced and betrayed by online people with whom we've developed a rapport.
Honoré Daumier
If we're blogging about pathology, at some point we'll face a critic, an accuser. This can be a bewildering mess if we assume s/he will listen to reason. If we defend ourselves, the ante will be upped. If we over-explain ourselves, s/he declares victory, becoming increasingly strident with the reward of attention and sympathy. As preposterous as we believe the conflict to be, other people (whom we wish would step in or step out, argh) are persuaded by the accuser's certainty and willingness to use aggression because:
1-they were friends with the narcissist
2-they weren't friends with you
3-they don't want to BE you; or the next in line when you're roadkill
4-they don't like your FACE or the way you capitalize random words
5-they have ptsd and cannot deal with additional STRESS
6-they deny and dissociate pretending this mess isn't happening
7-they perceive the narcissist as the victim, triggering their Inner Rescuer
8-they always thought you were a bit uppity
9-they secretly like it when uppity people are taken down a notch or two
10-they don't know what to do. That's why they read your blog and joined your forum
I moderated a NPD forum in 2003 and worked with several friends creating the Web of Narcissism in 2005. A decade of daily interaction is the experiential base from which my conclusions are drawn. As a reminder: I am not a psychologist and don't identify as a writer. I am a friend to many and that is the hallmark of my healthy recovery. I also study theoretical books about narcissism because I feel a responsibility to the people who've given me their trust. AND, I am devoted to tea in Grand Halls where we share the complexities of our lives because we all have them. Complexes, I mean.
Social Media 2014
We are lucky to live in a time when social media beckons the emergence of our True Self. 12-step groups have facilitated recovery for millions of people through the promise of anonymity; however, cyber-anonymity is even better. We should take advantage of this opportunity while keeping in mind that online recovery groups are not without risks. Some of our cyber-friends may attack us over a perceived slight so small only a narcissistic flea could see it. Listen, I know how easy it is to see slights when you're frightened; however, normal people extend good will toward others, even when we're afraid. Being of good will and generous of spirit will keep you out of the pathology category. Being of mutual good will means any misunderstanding can be resolved because each person places a high value on relationship. And, they are willing to limit their aggression. With narcissistic people, even precious little snowflakes are pounded into bullet-hard snowballs, destabilizing the person reeling from their displaced rage. When a scapegoat is selected and archaic rage is unleashed, appealing to reason escalates the conflict. Maybe I should repeat that: When archaic rage is unleashed, appealing to reason escalates the conflict. When the pleasure of destroying another human being supersedes moral reasoning, you are witnessing destructive, pathological narcissism.
Because screennames are easily reduced to objects, online conflicts can be ruthlessly vicious. Do face-to-face relationships encourage us to restrain our aggressive instincts? I believe so. And this is why joining, following and participating in groups led by people with narcissistic personalities, can be dangerous to your mental health and spiritual integrity. We may find ourselves doing things we'd never have done had our cyber-friends not happily fanned the flames of the worst that is in each of us. In this case, remember that "Birds of a feather flock together". In other words: don't hang out with vultures if you don't want to get eaten.
Because of the numerous online conflicts I've either witnessed, caused or participated in, my number one top-of-the-list most detrimental narcissistic trait to watch for online is: unreasonableness.
If you don't have time to read Part Two, skip to the bottom for the Short Version.
The Online Destructive Narcissist Continuum
with mildly annoying to potentially dangerous traits
Honoré Daumier
To be respectful of everyone's sensitivity to this list which I fear might increase people's uncertainty, it's not one or two items that defines destructive narcissism. It's a mix of traits, patterns, reactions, and a matter of degree. I'll admit (since plenty of people have watched me fail time and time again) I've done some stupid things myself! We are each learning how to use this wonderful tool called the Internet, bringing us together and driving us apart.
1) Unreasonableness: The State of Being Unreasonable & Disagreeable
There's an online conflict. What do we do? We try appealing to reason and we're accused of saying they're irrational or crazy. We appeal to common decency and we're accused of calling them indecent. Appeal to the betterment of the group, and they'll type, "Heil Hitler!" All three things have happened during my reign of terror over a free and non-profit forum. Unreasonable and uncompromising are indicative of a narcissistic personality because any concession is an admission of failure, of fault.
TIP: There is no compromise when the choice is Right-Or-Wrong, Win-Or-Lose.
2) A Hostile Display of Ill Will
When someone's "ill will" exceeds your comfort levels, back off. Save your integrity. Don't try to convince the narcissist to be kinder. Your suggestion will be perceived as an insult. Even offering a reasonable counter to an online dispute is a betrayal. The "ill will" that was satisfying when they were writing about narcissists, is now focused on you. And it's not very satisfying anymore. In fact, it might be traumatizing. If you have ptsd (c-ptsd), please treat yourself well and stay away from anyone displaying ill will.
TIP: There is no extension of good will extended to others; but good will is expected from others.
3) Uses Aggression
An unquenchable desire for revenge. In other words, you insulted me, so "off with your head!" Pathological narcissists have a talionic impulse to punish. This can be scary because there's no appeasing their lust for blood. You probably supported their attacks on other people but assumed (as we all do) that "other people" warranted such wrath. Notice that narcissistic people demand unreasonable compensation for the simplest of slights--such as asking them to follow the same rules as the rest of God's chilluns.
Narcissists demand punishment for perceived wrongs, perceived criticisms, perceived slights. The qualifier being "perceived." In other words, the insult is in the eye of the beheader...ahem, beholder.
Narcissists turn to authority figures to punish the perceived wrong-doer. Appealing to the group, calling child services, calling the cops, anyone with authority to punish. This includes calling on supernatural powers because who knows more about God's wishes than God's special little ear drum? What God wants, or so they tell us, is for them to punish you. "May a plague of locusts and frogs croak in your throat forevermore as fire and brimstone cleanse the earth of your unholy stench." Narcissists align themselves with authority figures, especially supernatural ones who are of course, on the narcissist's side. The short of this supernatural tale is this: their punishment far exceeds your perceived crimes. Let's just say that pathological narcissists believe in a scorched earth policy.
TIP: Eye-for-an-eye vengeance appeals to our inner avenger but know this---when there is no mercy for others, there is no mercy for you.
4) Splitting: Good or Evil; Black or White
The inability to integrate a holistic view of reality, leads to injustices when narcissists perceive the self as good or righteous, and the other as bad or evil. You can tell when someone's splitting by the nonstop vitriol: verbal diarrhea. They may be perfectly sane and reasonable one second, yet the minute their grandiosity is insulted (a narcissistic injury), they turn into hateful inquisitors. The problem, and it isn't written about often enough, is that religious people are drawn into the situation without knowing that person is experiencing a psychological disorder. Splitting is typical of personality disorders---especially narcissism.
TIP: When someone insists another human being is evil, get out your psych dictionary. Don't be caught up in the hellish world of the splitter who interprets his/her feelings as facts. Turning a saint into a sinner may seem reasonable depending on what that sinner did; but you could be a target when they feel badly about something you said or did, too. Once again, unreasonable is the standard measure of crazy, to me. (I know calling someone a "splitter" isn't very nice but it's much nicer than being called Satan's handmaiden. I wouldn't even date Satan for heavensakes!)
5) Self-Anointed Delusions of Grandeur
The use of astrology, past-life regression, or a spiritual experience to produce a delusion of grandeur regarding one's potential or certain superiority." ~Thomas Swan
Thomas Swan's comment deserves to stand on its own and if I could leap on a soapbox and shout, I'd grab a megaphone. Watch for bloggers/forum leader's self-deification (the Aren't-I-special-syndrome) because it is rampant on the web. Once a spiritual mystery is invoked and they convince us they are "special", we suspend our disbelief allowing critical thinking to fly out the window. Then we become sitting ducks for delusional quackery. They are so convinced of their own story that we're convinced, too. No doubt some of those quackers actually know what they're doing. Others are seduced by their own narcissism. Be cautious. Be careful. If anyone tells you a supernatural power told them to lead others out of darkness, lace up your combat boots, put on your thinking cap, and walk the other direction. no wait. run.
TIP: Watch the cult videos on our forum's cinema. Know that all human beings (yes, you too!) are vulnerable to cults when we desperately want to believe; desperately want to find meaning in our lives. In a crisis, we are particularly vulnerable to bullshit.
6) Unwilling to Empathize
Some narcissists are selective empathizers. When they want to identify with someone because it's relevant to themselves, they empathize well enough. When they do not want to empathize, they don't. They can, but they won't. This has been corroborated by psychologists (see resources) and fits my experience! Once you've made the critical mistake of slighting the narcissist, you will receive no more benefit of his/her doubt, no good will, and no extension of empathy for your situation. It's a new twist on the D&D: once Devalued, empathy is Discarded.
TIP: Don't expect the narcissist to care that you were up to your elbows in alligators and tomato sauce when s/he needed your attention and you couldn't answer her email. Pay attention when someone is unable (or unwilling) to put themselves in your shoes.
7) Lacks Insight to the Impact of their Behavior on Others
I am sure many of you have been astounded by the narcissist's obliviousness to the way his/her behavior contributed to the problems they're railing against. You can try to reason with them, explaining why their unpredictable aggression has repelled people. The only thing that matters is how people treated them, lacking insight as to how their behavior led up to an eventual conflict. When someone rips someone a new one yet can't understand why people would be upset, the following TIP comes in handy. Memorize it:
TIP: If they can't understand it without an explanation, they won't understand it with an explanation. ~Haruki Murakami
8) No Apology Offered
Apologies are an admission of fault so you won't get an apology from a narcissist. Not even a tiny concession that maybe they overreacted and misinterpreted what they thought you really meant deep down inside where your inner bitch resides, when you merely wrote back, "I liked your message."
"Oh yea? What do you MEAN by that? Are you insulting my intelligence? Are you making fun of me? You are, aren't you! Don't think I can't read between the lines!"
TIP: This person is not a safe friend.
9) Apologies Demanded from Everyone Else
On bended knee. With a lashing. Think Inquisition. Think Entitlement.
10) An Apology Does Not Elicit Mutual Accountability
You can apologize in the spirit of good will, but you will reap not what you sowed. Contrary to "normal" relationships, an apology does not lead to mutual remorse. The narcissist focuses on your admission of culpability but it won't stop there. In their minds, not only did you admit to being wrong but you intentionally tried to destroy her/him. That means you are a threat. And you are a narcissist.
TIP: Apologies soften relationships. Apologies facilitate deeper connections. Accepting responsibility for ourselves facilitates personal growth and intimacy.
11) The Grandiosity Gap. Mind it
It is appropriate for people to create blogging communities based on shared learning. It is appropriate for people to study research and write about the way it applies to their situation. It is appropriate to question research after having dug deeper than a YouTube video. If someone claims to be a leader, check their bibliography and make sure they continue to do their homework. I can say this because I was so certain myself in the beginning, but I wasn't creating a healing plan for traumatized people! As they say, a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing. It leads to narcissistic bloggers and forum managers diagnosing everyone as narcissists IF they disagree with his/her majesty.
TIP: If someone is writing about narcissism and professes to know more than professional psychologists, consider their NPD website to be an autobiography.
12) Non Self-Disclosing
Narcissists are defined by their propensity to talk about themselves. Pay attention though. Narcissists do not talk about things that could be used against them. Things like their innermost secrets, their imperfections, their unbearable shame. Destructive narcissists are distrusting souls, expecting people to take advantage of their revealed weaknesses. They are secretive about their behavior and thoughts whilst expecting others to open up, revealing all. That's because narcissistic people collect information, using it to demean another person if and when the time comes. And they know it will. Because in their minds, people are not to be trusted. And that is why narcissists may talk a lot but you never get to know them. This can be a warning sign for recovery communities when leaders shroud themselves in mystery, encouraging people to "transfer" their beliefs onto the leader. Transparency. Transparency. How well do your know the person you are following?
TIP: Spotting narcissists by counting first-person pronouns is a fallacy on recovery forums and blogs. Traumatized/abused people have a fragmented self. They aren't sure who they are, or what they think having survived an invalidating environment where their individuality was perceived to be a threat. The capital "I" is an excellent way to Know Ourselves, assert our worth, and admit to having an unabashed big, fat opinion. If people are not using "I" in recovery communities, they aren't doing their self-work!
TIP: "We predicted that narcissistic people who used relatively few first-person singular pronouns (e.g., ‘‘I,’’ and ‘‘me’’) would display more self-promoting and sexy images of themselves on their Facebook.com profile pages...and would use more profane and aggressive words in an online self-descriptive task...Both studies supported this hypothesis." ~DeWall (see resources)
13) No Credit. No Validation. You Do Not Exist
In contrast to the generous spirit, stingy spirits are always in competition with others. To maintain one's superiority and deny their envy is to act as if other people don't exist. Narcissistic bloggers pretend they're unique. Professionals have done a similar thing. Layfolk have been talking about narcissism for more than a decade when a psychologist comes along claiming our terms as his own. Why not credit the lay community for dedicating enormous amounts of time and effort into helping themselves? To me (and maybe this is my narcissism talking), professionals who downplay the incredible work that's been done and is being done by laypeople, should question the degree their arrogance might play in their dismissive attitude towards laypeople.
TIP: Check their resources. Look for a blogger's lists of friends, the people they're learning with. There may be a different purpose for blogging such as marketing a book in which case they should STILL list the people contributing to their education and recovery! If they don't have an honest list of links or have obviously appropriated other people's work, I don't read them. It's that simple. No (wo)man is an island; unless s/he is an oblivious, ungrateful, and competitive narcissist.
14) Appropriates Credibility
Narcissistic people feel entitled to exploit other people's work. It's on the web. It's easy. It's theirs for the taking. In fact, if they read it more than once, they believe it IS theirs for the taking. So ask yourself how much time has this author invested in his/her blog? How much of their site has been reproduced? Don't dismiss the value of websites collating articles, though. Many readers don't have enough time to browse the Internet for useful articles. What is completely ludicrous however are websites comprised of other people's articles yet plastered with copyright warnings. How can someone who has copied 99.9% of the articles on their blog, threaten legal action should anyone copy her copied blog that was copied from other people's websites. Somebody 'splain that one to me, please. If that's not narcissism, I'll eat my keyboard.
TIP: Look for original content. Reblogging is more and more common so a mix of both is normal. However, if someone regularly posts other people's work, be careful you don't transfer the authority of the article to the person who did NOT write it. Think exploitation.
15) Accuses Others of Stealing THEIR Ideas and Thoughts
In online communities, new ideas are universally realized in a thousand different places in the world at the same time. This topic comes up frequently when blogger X claims to have originated an idea that blogger Z was writing about five years ago. Another example: a forum manager was accused of stealing a member's idea for a word game that yes, had been played on sites longer than than the member had been potty-trained. People with narcissistic personalities are paranoid someone will benefit from their efforts. They are loath to share, reluctant to collaborate, and frighteningly territorial. Their copyright notice will be underscored with legal action and you may even see threatening logos plastered on their sites. Sharing is not a narcissistic trait. They may delete everything they've written in fear someone will benefit from their ideas.
Their inordinate fear of being taken advantage of might even lead to threatening close friends with lawsuits if she perceives any similarities of style. Not that I'd know anything about that particular scenario.......
TIP: Even close friendships are expendable with territorial (delusional) narcissists.
Honoré Daumier
16) Shit stirrers (provocative people)
If someone enjoys being a horse's ass and adding to the stress and misery people are dealing with, they're shit stirrers, plain and simple.
Narcissists divide groups into "camps", spoiling camaraderie and mutual trust. They message people privately and even if they don't criticize whomever the poor authority figure might be, they covertly undermine his/her authority. This threatens people's faith and trust in the group. Narcissists divide-and-conquer communities, pitting people against one another, forging destructive alliances with Rescuers and peacekeepers.
Drama is fun for shit-stirrers and besides, it breaks the monotony and boredom. It might even be fun for others too, because a little schadenfreude can perk up everyone's day. But the chaos that makes narcissists feel alive and "in control" kills the community spirit for non-narcissists. Non-narcissists end up feeling guilty and ashamed of themselves because "fun is fun. And done is done."
TIP: When the fun is done and it's time to clean up the mess, you can be sure the narcissist won't be holding the bucket.
TIP: Triangulation is deadly to community so watch for cliques that may turn into bully brigades. Don't participate in groups that justify behavior they deem contemptible for narcissists, but NOT for themselves.
17) The Hyper-Sensitive
Misreading people's words is a common problem for narcissistic people who don't question their perceptions. All of us have moments when we're more sensitive than usual, but the healthy difference is our ability to extend good will, our ability to forgive. If someone tells us they weren't referring to us per se when they wrote about jackasses, we accept them at their word. If they apologize for being rude, we forgive. No one in a recovery community is a full-time angel. But don't be surprised when years later, a hyper-sensitive person brings up the jackass comment on their shitlist. They haven't gotten over it and never will. We're extra sensitive during crisis so while we are stabilizing ourselves emotionally and restoring our self-esteem, we need to remember that We Will Make Mistakes. And that is a-ok if you're surrounded by people of good will.
TIP: The extension of good will and apologies will hold us steady while we restore our equilibrium. If you do not see these pro-social behaviors in an online community or blog, don't join.
18) Image Managers Delete and Edit Texts
It's challenging writing a narrative and feeling so exposed, so uncertain of what we've written that we delete our text. We jokingly called this "The Deletes" because so many "newbies" have done this. They write about the unspeakable and then chicken-out and delete what they've written. I totally understand it! The Deletes still serve as a perfectly fine method for "sneaking up on the truth." However, what makes someone narcissistic is when they REVISE reality by changing the context of the text after readers have commented. A revision of the original post make readers look wackadoo when the triggering paragraph disappears. For most people, editing content is not a narcissistic trait. It's more likely to be insecurity with a yuckily low self-esteem. When the revisions continue to happen, it's Image Management.
TIP: If you see this happening on a regular basis and your comments aren't in sync with the article, you aren't going crazy. That blogger isn't quite yet ready for prime time.
19) Altruism is Not a Narcissistic Trait
Altruists don't hold people hostage because they wrote an article that benefited the group and now they want their Pay Back. Narcissists GIVE to GET. Watch how much time and energy people invest in others without demanding something back. You will know people were Giving To Get when you hear this: "After ALL I've done for you and you dare disagree?" You will also know the true altruist from the fake by what they get other people to do for them. And boy do I have stories about that! Just call me little Ms. Fetch-and-Do-It!
TIP: Mutual reciprocity is key to healthy relationships, being able to receive as well as give.
20) Idealizes Agentic Traits; Devalues Communal Traits
Narcissistic people place high value on individuality. Their status as a unique individual will always be more important than the effect of their behavior on others. Being tough-minded, ambitious, self-reliant, and independent trumps communal values like mutuality, loyalty, compassion, interdependence and forgiveness. You won't hear narcissists say, "Isn't it terrible that my x-wife calls me a domineering rat bazturd!" To the agentic, independent and dominant narcissist, that's strength! He's a winner!
TIP: When agentic traits are valued disproportionately to communal traits, appeals to the common good carry no weight in settling disputes.
21) DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender
When narcissistic people are caught red-handed and held accountable for their misdeeds, they "turn the tables" by attacking their accuser(s). They claim to be the real victim being persecuted by an offender. They accomplish this amazing feat with: 1) overstated denial and self-righteousness; 2) ad hominem attacks; 3) secondary arguments and derailing; 5) blame-shifting; 6) gaslighting; 7) high-intensity emotional reactions.
Narcissists are persuasive blamers (Bill Eddy) which means they are highly adept at garnering support. "It didn't happen, but if it did, it wasn't that bad" or "It rarely happens, but when it does it isn't harmful." ~"What is Darvo" by Jenifer Freyd
22) Nice Does Not Mean Weak or Stupid
It also doesn't mean FAKE. Nice means lots of things: kindness, caring, supportive, validating, spiritual; i.e.: the gentle people. The type of people we call "genuine". But a sad number of people believe strength lies in a display of dominance, aggression, cynicism and rudeness. Why wouldn't they think that? Narcissistic societies revere agentic traits, downplaying niceness and agreeableness as weaknesses. In fact, this research articles says "...individuals may actually be repelled by non-narcissists. Occasionally, for example, in participants’ narrative accounts, non-narcissists were described as too nice." (Campbell, Foster and Finkel)
I have another thought about "niceness" repelling people because the truth is that narcissists appeared to be "nice," too. Above nice--as in too good to be true nice. Until they weren't. So perhaps one reason people don't trust "nice" people, is because they were duped by a narcissist disarming them with niceness.
TIP: My 21st sign of online destructive narcissists is that they are not nice people. They appear to be tough-minded, hard-nosed, uncompromising and strong, powerful to the powerless. Such displays of domination are agentic traits they value because this is what society values. Underneath that tough veneer is an insecure person who cannot bear even the perception of a slight without self-destructing. It may be entertaining (certainly distracting) when a tough-talking loud-walking leader tears another person down. But only when it's another person. Only when it's not you.
Whew! That was quite a list! And believe it or not, this article was cut in half. Part Three will be A Case Study based on a prime time real time online conflict. I think it'll be titled: "What not to do."
For those who want the Short Version
Watch for the following traits and/or behaviors in any online blogging community or forum:
hostility and aggression (ill will)
rage and anger, especially displaced aggression (bullying)
excessive need for attention and admiration (shit stirrers)
superiority (expects special treatment)
grandiosity incommensurate to abilities and achievements
envy (if you can't beat 'em, pretend they don't exist)
inability or unwillingness to empathize
hypersensitivity and extreme reactions to criticism and failure
distrust, suspicion, unforgiving, punishing (retaliation) and the inability to resolve conflict...
Good luck. Safe Surfing. May the Force Be With You!
CZ
Online dating in 2015 is nothing like dating as you know probably know it–hell, it’s nothing even like how online dating was ten years ago. Back in the day, scammers were few and far between, and it wasn’t that odd to email and chat with a person in another state, or country for weeks or even months on end. Those days are gone. The con artists of the world have caught on to how easy internet dating makes cheating on their partner, or financially scamming people, and you need to approach the whole thing with an almost unhealthy dose of skepticism.
I just want to bring this up first…
If you’ve been in a relationship with a Narcissist, you are most likely terrified to date another one, which is why you are on this site, and reading this article. I get that. And if you’re like me, and had more than one serious relationship with a Narcissist in your life, you may even feel that you somehow attract them. I get that too. After I got out of relationship number two, I thought long and hard about what red flags I was missing, and where I was going wrong.
Here’s my take on it
I really don’t think that victims attracting a Narcissist is the problem. Frankly I think the whole debate over whether or not victims attract their abuser is a waste of time. My take on it is that Narcissists are attracted to vulnerabilities of people and of situations–and because we are all human, we all have vulnerabilities, and that makes anyone a potential target–although I will admit that some people have more obvious vulnerabilities than others, and are more of a target. (If you are dating online and are over 45, divorced, overweight, have a disability, or give off the impression you have money, you are at an increased risk of being targeted.) But frankly who gives a rat’s ass who you attract? Like most people, I attract the full range of people, some are creepers, and some are awesome. No matter how much therapy you go through, you will still attract a creeper or a pervy construction worker every now and again. That’s just life.
Just because someone is attracted to you, doesn’t mean that you have to date them or keep them in your life. You are in the driver’s seat here, not them. If you are like most victims, then you didn’t even see them coming. It’s not your fault. They are con artists, and the red flags that they come with aren’t generally taught. Unfortunately, going through a relationship with a Narcissist isn’t like having chicken pox–just because it happened once, doesn’t mean it can’t happen again.
The top 5 things you can do in order to protect yourself from Narcissists and other online dating scammers:
1. Know the red flags to watch out for.
2. Go slowly and see if any red flags are surfacing.
3. Focus on being choosy and not on being chosen.
4. Have high standards for behavior of people who you allow to be in your life.
5. Have strong boundaries, and if someone is crossing them, bounce them out of your life.
As you probably know, Narcissists and codependent, or empathic people go together like peanut butter and jelly. There is no mystical woo-woo reason for this, other than nice, understanding, sympathetic people tend to be easily manipulated and suckered in by con artists. We tend to tolerate a bunch of BS that we shouldn’t. If you don’t want to be suckered in, then you’ll need to really examine your boundaries and standards, and think back to the Narcissistic relationships you were in, and what red flags you over looked, and how flexible your boundaries and standards were for bad behavior–and then make the necessary changes.
Once you start to see signs of bad behavior: “small” lies, words and actions not lining up, or any other type of questionable behavior, then you need to get out of there. If you quit making allowances for bad behavior, you’ll find that you no longer have people with bad behavior in your life. You are the CEO of your own life. You choose who stays and who goes. To a Narcissist, high standards and solid boundaries are like garlic to a vampire.
Now the good news
The good news is that all con artists, both Narcissists and online scammers (probably because many are Narcissists), tend to work out of the same playbook, and therefore, come with many of the same red flags. Once you know what to look for, avoiding them becomes a lot easier.
Here are the 15 Top Tell-Tell Signs of Narcissists (and Other Online Dating Scammers):
1. Poor grammar, spelling, and/or strange word choices. More often than not the scammer will be the one to email you. One of the first things you might notice about an online scammer is that their language skills seem strange. Their email might be peppered with words or phrases such as like “Greetings my dear/beauty/love,” or “Let me tell you how your beauty captured my heart the moment I saw your picture,” or “I could see the caring in your eyes the moment I saw your face,” or “I am a professional engineer.” Their spelling and grammar are often poor, and don’t seem to match the education level that they are claiming to have. If what you are reading sounds like English isn’t their first language, it’s because it isn’t. Many scammers will try to get around this by telling their potential victims that they are from somewhere in Europe, but moved to the United States–which explains their accent, and strange word choice (not true), so keep your guard up for this line of hooey.
2. Their profile doesn’t have much on it. Their profile has maybe one paragraph, and five pictures. What they are looking for in a potential mate is wide open, as they need to stay flexible enough to be able to morph into what you are looking for. What their profile does have on it is their “bait”. They give a brief rundown of how successful,serious they are about a relationship, religious (especially on religious-based dating sites like ChristianMingle.com for example), or patriotic they are.
3. There is a portrayal of success, heroism, or great beauty. Lately, it seems like a lot of the scammers are claiming to be good-looking (not a shocker), engineers, independent contractors, entrepreneurs, or in the Military. The goal is to first catch your eye, and then for them to come across like they are financial stable and important, so it doesn’t come across to their potential victim as that strange that they are overseas at the moment. I’m guessing the goal for the con artist to come across as financially stable is two-fold: 1. That they are a good catch, and 2. That you will believe that they have the money to pay you back once they hit you up for some. As for Military service, most Americans have their guard down when it comes to people who claim to be serving in the Military. Many potential victims want to do all they can to support the troops, especially if this con artist claims they are stationed overseas.
4. Something seems off. Be on the look out for someone significantly younger than you that is trying to chat you up. Both female and male con artists will have some sort of explanation about this–that they either look for older men/women because they are more mature, or that they really lied about their age on the dating site (and are really a different age than what is posted–whatever age you are comfortable with is what they’ll be for you) because they were tired of attracting all these younger/older people. The target might feel really flattered at first that this attractive, amazing and seemingly sincere person is so into them, but the more they communicate with this person, the more something seems off–or too good to be true.
As a general rule, online dating con artists tend to target people over the age of 45, as they have a larger potential for having more money than a 25 year-old. The older a person is, the odds are probably higher that they are wanting to meet someone and get married sooner than later–and they aren’t as tech savvy as younger people, and not as up-to-date about what dating scams look like. Men over 45, watch out for sexy women under 27 who are emailing you. Women, watch out for suave, charming men who have great jobs that are overseas.
5. Wanting to get you off the site. Members can report suspicious or fraudulent behavior to online dating sites, and online scammers know this. They don’t want their account to get deleted, so they’ll want to move their conversation with you to either yahoo chat or some other form of chat service (but not video chat) and get off the dating site as soon as possible.
6. Some sort of geographic challenge. They claim that they either don’t live nearby, or they are out-of-town for some reason. This is the year 2015. It is super easy to meet large amounts of people online, and in your local area. The vast majority of people out there that are seriously looking for a relationship don’t have the time or desire to date someone who is more than an hour away from them, let alone someone who lives in another state. If you are being chatted up by someone who seems too good to be true, and lives more than an hour or two away, then something is generally off.
If they are claiming to be out of the country due to a recent death, a sudden need to sell their multi-million dollar business, or are away on very important business dealing with high-ranking government officials (con artists, like Narcissists, tend to tell grandiose stories), then it’s probably a scam.
7. Charming/love bombing. Right out of the gate the con artist will come across as flirty and coming on a little too strong. They will send emails that are filled tons of flattery and flowery language, focusing on your beauty, and how they can tell you are such an amazing/kind/sincere/caring person. They will say and do all the right things, and shower you with attention. If you are still sticking around at this point, then they really up their game, and start “love bombing” you with constant communication and complements. Much of this communication is lengthy, and often includes phone calls that last for hours everyday, as well as multiple emails where they are really laying on the compliments. You will start to feel an intense connection, and they will start to seem so sincerely, and intensely into you, even though you haven’t met…and it’s only been a week.
8. They have an accent. Once you start talking on the phone, you’ll find that they most likely have an accent. They might have told you that they are from another country in order to not have their accent be the red flag it should be. Most of them are smart enough to not say that they are from Africa, but many will claim that they are from Sweden, the UK, or Jamaica. If you come across a person with an accent–especially one who is out of town for important business for some strange reason, then there’s a very high chance that it is a scam.
9. Mirroring. Everything you like and want in your life, they do too! You love to hike and camp? So do they! (Even though they can’t name a local camping spot they’ve been to.) You are a homebody? So are they! (Never mind that their profile talks about them traveling the world, and doing all these other non-homebody things.) You want to start a llama farm and dye them different colors like Easter eggs? So do they! What are the odds?! They get all this info from your profile, from your pictures, and from talking to you at great length. All of this mirroring is done so they can proceed to #10…
10. Future faking. Now that they have gathered all this information about you, they begin combining their love bombing with future faking. If you have kids, they want to be a great dad to them; if you are sick, they want to take care of you. They weave a story of this ideal future full of all the elements that you want–and they want it to start as soon as humanly possible. They will tell you that they want to see you as soon as they return to the country. They will seem so convinced that you are the one for them, you might even find yourself fantasizing about your wedding–even though you’ve only been chatting with them for a few weeks.
11. Rushing intimacy. Targets find themselves really falling head over heels for the scammer, as they seem so sincere, and so ready, willing, and eager to commit. The charm, the false flattery, their desire to listen and talk to you for hours a day, it’s all very intoxicating. They really do seem like the perfect person. Everything about you is exactly what they were looking for. They might even email you a picture of an airline ticket they bought to come see you (it’s photo shopped). Maybe they’ve even claimed to have bought you a ring! Everything is happening at lightning-fast speed. They will most likely want you to send them sexy pictures, or start talking dirty with them. You will feel that you really are in a relationship with this person, and all that’s left is to just meet them and seal the deal. The goal with rushing intimacy is to get you to feel exactly this way. They want you to believe that you’re in a relationship with them, and that they aren’t the total stranger that they really are. After all, people won’t give a total stranger large sums of money, but they will be more inclined to give money to a person that they “know.”
12. You start questioning yourself. Is what you are experiencing strange, or too good to be true? Is it legit? Maybe you just have issues with men? Is this a scam? Are you moving too fast? Do you want to move this fast? Are you asking friends and family what they think about this person, or about these emails? This is all a huge red flag. In a normal, healthy relationship, people don’t ask themselves these kinds of questions. Think about it–do you question the behavior, or your interpretation of the behavior of your friends, family or coworkers (assuming they are not Narcissists or have some sort of other issue)? Odds are that you don’t–because you don’t need to. Things happen at a comfortable pace, and there is no behavior that is setting off your Spidey senses. Listen to your intuition. If you find yourself questioning their behavior, or how you are interpreting their behavior, then something isn’t right.
13. Some disaster strikes. Someone dies; they have to sell their business ASAP; they are stuck overseas due to a medical condition, airline strike, the weather, sun spots, or they got kidnapped by pirates. If something crazy happened that delayed their plans on coming to see you–it’s most likely a scam. If they ask you for money to get out of their disaster, then it is definitely a scam.
14. You can’t find anything about them online. Again, this is the year 2015. I think you’d be hard-pressed to find a person who has no information about themselves online. Most people have some sort of social media account on Facebook, Linked in, Pinterest, Twitter, or a business website, or has been on a former employer’s website, or has done an interview, written an article, graduated from somewhere, or there is something somewhere on Google with their name in it. They should have some sort of information online if they are in business of any kind. You can always ask them for the name of their company, or where they work and Google that. If they tell you they are an independent contractor, and don’t have a website, or any business profile anyone on the ‘net, then that should be a concern.
15. They either want to send you money, or are asking you for some. Stable, normal adults do not ask other stable, normal adults for money–especially if they are trying to date them, and especially if they haven’t met yet. If normal adults are in a financial pinch, they will ask friends or family (or a bank) for help, not a stranger they’ve met online. If a person you’ve met online wants to send you money, or deposit some in your bank account for whatever reason, it’s a scam. If money is involved, it’s a scam.
The fastest way to determine if you are dating a scammer:
1. Insist they chat with you on Skype or Facetime. You need to see this person sooner than later to make sure that at least their photos are of them (not just scammers, but lots of people mislead others with old photos, or photos that aren’t them). If they are a scammer, then odds are they will have some reason that they can’t meet with you over video–they don’t know how to use Skype, they don’t have a smart phone, they don’t have internet access, but all this is most likely nonsense, because, well they are a con artist, and everything they’ve told you has been a lie–including what they look like.
2. Search for them (as well as their pictures) online. Copy and paste every picture they have on their profile, and the ones that they are sending you into Google images, and see where else on the internet those images show up. If they are scammers, then odds are that their pictures were stolen from a website or someone else’s profile.
3. Insist you meet them soon. Insist that you meet them, and that you don’t want to talk to them anymore until you meet in person. The reason being, if they are a scammer, the more you talk to them, the more they are going to try and rope you in with their charm and lies. Don’t even start to like someone, let alone get emotionally invested with them before you meet in person.
4. Flat out tell them you’d never give a stranger you’ve met online money. Tell them that you’ve been reading about online scams, and just flat out tell them that you’d never give a stranger you’ve never met online money, and that they would be out of their damn mind to even ask you for any. (And yes, they are still a stranger, even though they are talking about love, and marriage and wanting to be with you forever.)
How I used to go about dating online
When I started online dating ten years ago, I would spend lots of time (weeks on end) emailing people, and seeing if we clicked that way. Once I felt like we had a strong enough connection, then (and only then) would I give them my phone number to call me. We’d talk for at least a few weeks before I felt comfortable meeting them in person.
The reason I moved so slow back then was because it seemed like the safest way to proceed. I was freaked out about giving a guy my phone number, and then having him continue to bug me if there wasn’t a spark. And I was very hesitant to meet him in person, as it seemed like a dangerous idea to meet a stranger off the internet. …And that worked back then. But this is exactly what you don’t want to do with dating online in 2015. Nowadays, the most dangerous thing you can do is to spend a lot of time seeing if there is a spark with a person before you meet. Scammers can rope you in emotionally with all their tricks–after all, they are professional con artists, and they do this for a living.
My approach now (for what it’s worth)
Since getting back into online dating, I’ve had to totally change up my approach to weed out the cheaters, the Narcissists, and the scammers. What I’ve found that works is to quickly go from liking someone’s profile, to email, to text, to phone, to meeting in person, all within under a week. (Often times I find that there isn’t a click once we get on the phone, and then I stop there. There’s been very few people I’ve clicked with enough to where I’ve wanted to meet them.)
My approach hasn’t worked 100% of the time, as I’ve had a few potential Narcissists slide under my radar (which really freaked me out and rattled me but good). But it’s made me tighten up my standards and boundaries, and I’ve been able to get them out before any damage was done. So don’t freak out or feel bad if you crash into another one. There’s a lot of them out there, so just go slow and remember those five steps that I mentioned before.
How to protect yourself
1. Look at their profile. Does it logically and grammatically make sense? Are they using odd words?
2. Don’t put too much info in your profile. If you put everything that you are looking for in a partner in your profile, as well as everything that you love to do, and what you are about, then it makes it really easy for a con artist to mirror all that back to you. Keep your profile general, and save the details for the phone, or for when you meet.
3. Email back and forth no more than three times. The goal with emailing back and forth should be to see if you have enough of a connection to give them your phone number–it’s not about getting to know everything about them. Keep things brief. The less conversation you have with them over email and phone, the less likely you will be to develop a false sense of connection. (You really need to meet in person to make sure they are at least somewhat legit.) Do not develop feelings for people that you are only emailing with, doing so will only set you up for hurt and heartache.
4. Talk on the phone. Have a brief phone conversation. (Notice if they can’t talk after 5pm or on weekends–this tends to be a sign that they are married, or in a relationship.) This benefits both of you, as you can click with someone over email, but then not over the phone. The goal of talking on the phone is only to see if you connect enough to meet. You don’t want to spend hours on the phone, or talk for weeks on end, because then if you really click over the phone, and then you meet in person, and there isn’t a spark on someone’s end, it’s going to be really awkward for one of you to call things off, and someone is going to be hurt.
5. Meet ASAP. Meet for coffee. Keep it light. This is just a meeting. It’s not a date. If anything, it’s more of a pre-date. It’s just a brief chit-chat to see if there is a click, and they are who they say they are. Lots of people lie online and post old pictures. Even those that post current pictures, and are honest, there still might not be a click in person. You don’t want to plan a whole evening full of activities, and then realize within five minutes that you have no spark with this person–or worse, that they are a total creeper.
6. Do not get emotionally involved at least for the first few weeks of dating. Go slow. It takes time to see red flags for what they are. Don’t let your emotions cloud your thinking or judgment–and do not let someone else set the pace of your relationship. You set the pace. If it’s not comfortable for you, tell them. If they keep pushing you, then they aren’t respecting your boundaries, then they need to go.
A final thought…
Keep in mind that all manipulative people rely on three things from their victim: hope, pity, or guilt. If they can get you to believe that there is any chance (hope) that you can live your ideal future with them, or that you will feel sorry for them (pity) due to them being widowed, divorced, robbed, kidnapped, out of money, addict/alcoholic, etc., of that you somehow hurt them or let them down, then they know they have you hooked. And like other manipulative people (Narcissists) they will slowly bleed you dry of everything they can. If you catch yourself feeling these three emotions for a scammer (or after bad behavior from a significant other in your life) then most likely you need to get rid of them. There are a lot of nice, normal, well-adjusted, sincere people out there. Finding them often requires a little work, so don’t get discouraged.
Good luck out there, be safe, remember the red flags, and try to have a good time! 🙂
Beautiful roses with black orchids and fiddlesticks or feathers...
Shortbread cookies..real of course
My Pembrokeshire Welsh Corgi...
Earl Grey Tea
Cuddling up in my library with a cuppa, my pup and a really good book...watching the fire...
Tending specialty gardens: Spell gardens, kitchen garden, blood rose garden, moon garden, medicinal garden, vegetable garden, orchids, water gardens..and crystal gardens.
Feather and down beddings
A neat and tidy home decorated to my ancient taste
Antiques
Aromatherapies of all kinds
Cooking a wonderful meal while listening to inspiring music
Good wine
Baking and sharing with those you love
Collecting " receipts" or antique and current cookbooks and using them
My BOS
Random acts of kindness
Being pampered
Long, manicured nails
Perfumeries and massages
Tea parties
Horseback riding and animal husbandry
Etiquette
Dressing like a Lady
English cottages with thatched roofs
Classical music
Lace of all kinds
Cloaks of all colors with hoods for skyclad ceremonies
Fires indoor and out
Authentic Italian onion pizza and a good bottle of Merlot..lol
Russian blue cats
Horses specifically Palomino's
Riding sidesaddle
Castles of all history
Teacups and teaware
Crowns of all kinds
Thrones
Jewelry, especially rubies, emeralds and sapphires
Random rides to no where
Picnics by the lake
Dining out to new places
Travel
Dressing well
Magick
Sacred Rituals
Making things the old fashioned way...candles, soaps, perfumes, bread, pizzas, calzones, etc.
Living and upholding ancient traditions
Respecting graveyards
Astral traveling with my horse and guardian armies
Calligraphy and inks
Feather pens and wax seals
Writing letters and love notes
Surprises
Falling off the grid
Spas and baths
My very long hair...
Long moonlit walks in my cloaks
Caviar and chicken pates with champagne
Fresh flowers in my bath and quarters to wake up to...
Walking my pup at sunrise
The ocean and the tides
Wands and candles
Napping in the shade of a tree on a down blanket with my baby watching guard
Upholding my heritage...
Getting a handwritten love letter..
Psychology
Managing my life
Leaving sleeping dogs lie...
My homeland: England, Ireland, Scotland
English roses, Shamrocks, and Thistle
Beautiful makeup
Being kind to myself and others
Enough for now...lol
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9zg3Tk69xI
Makes you think twice doesn't it ?
Have a watch and let me know what you think....
Lady Morganna
Are you feeling hungry because you are REALLY hungry or because you are stressed, bored, thinking about something nice to eat such as favourite food or you just plain old like eating and it’s almost an activity in your life that you look forward to! Nearly everyone eats for reasons other than just being truly hungry.
Your body can be hungry but you may not have an appetite because you are very stressed or worried while you can be completely well nourished and still have an appetite and have a great desire for food! Confused??
Hunger is a sensation experienced when one feels the physiological need to eat food to refuel the body. When energy levels and stores are low, hormones from the digestive system and fat cells in conjunction with the brain regulate hunger.
Symptoms of true hunger – it is normal to be hungry 3-5 hrs after eating your last meal or snack. True hunger occurs very slowly and gradually, stomach rumbling and hunger pangs can occur. When you are really hungry and have gone for long periods without food, fatigue, light headedness, weakness and irritability can occur when blood sugar levels become too low.
Appetite differs from hunger; it is the desire to eat food without a physiological need. Appetite is a learnt behaviour and is controlled by the brain stem and it is influenced by sight, taste and smell. Sometimes this is triggered by hunger, but many times it’s due to cravings, habits, the availability of food, boredom, or other social and emotional factors. Even seeing and smelling food, other people eating around you, or passing your favourite bakery or restaurant can stimulate your appetite.
Eating can take your mind off your troubles and help relax you and give you a feeling of contentment. Emotional eating can often lead to the consumption of eating too many calories which then may lead onto continuing weight problems.
Emotional eating is a learnt behaviour and often starts from a young age and it may have been used to soothe uncomfortable feelings such as sadness, fear, loneliness, stress, or boredom. Other triggers might be memories of eating and happy times in places associated with food (what jumps to my mind is play centres at fast food chains). The more we have eaten when we were not hungry, the more our natural hunger signals became confused and difficult to recognise.
Learning how to understand true hunger and your learnt appetite is key for maintaining a healthy weight.
ASK YOURSELF A FEW QUESTIONS WHEN YOU THINK YOU ARE HUNGRY
– Am I looking to feel a different emotion right now? Do I want to feel better about myself or about a situation? If this is the case then consider talking with a friend, going for walk, writing in a journal or doing another activity that you find enjoyable and relaxing.
– Am I eating because others around me are eating? It’s OK not to eat.
– Am I eating because it’s time to eat? Studies showed that for some people if they speed the clock up they still felt hungry because the clock said it was lunch when in fact it was much earlier.
– Am I bored? If you acknowledge boredom then find another activity that will entertain you!
– Am I avoiding something? Perhaps it’s time to get onto that task you have been putting off.
– Am I eating while distracted such as watching TV? Studies show that people eat more while watching TV then they do when they are eating at the table.
– Am I eating too quickly? If you eat too quickly you do not allow the satiety signals to register that you are full, this takes 20 minutes. Putting your utensils down between mouthfuls can be an excellent way to slow you down if you are a naturally fast eater. Enjoying your food and really tasting your food and savouring the flavour. Chew your food thoroughly rather than chewing a few times then swallowing and going for another mouthful before you’ve finished your last.
– Can I be distracted with something else? True hunger will not go away if you distract yourself.
– Not doing any regular exercise? This has been shown to reduce appetite hormone regulation and desire to over eat.
– Going for long periods without eating? Eating regular meals every 3-5 hours instead of letting yourself get too hungry and going for long periods without eating can then cause you to overeat when you eventually stop and take the time to eat. Eat small meals often. Here are a few more tips and tricks to reduce cravings.
Remember when we have finished our meal it is important to achieve a state of fullness, defined as a feeling of being satisfied. Feeling ill or uncomfortable in any way indicates you have eaten too much.
When you start to observe your false hunger signals and you choose to deal with the emotion in a different way then your brain will start disassociating the false signals from the need to eat and they will reduce. As the saying goes practice makes perfect! ☺
All of these good practices will result in fewer cravings to eat when you are not hungry.
A Reboot is a great time to re-learn your natural hunger cues as you eliminate all processed foods in the preparation week, during the Reboot and beyond the Reboot. Any old, learned eating habits that you have previously been plagued with will reduce with time and practice. Cravings for healthy food is normally associated with real hunger as opposed to cravings for processed junk foods.
While cravings can mean a number of things including psychological reasons, a strong craving usually indicates your body is low in a specific nutrient, vitamin or mineral. The craving is an indication that it wants to make sure it gets what it needs, the difficult part these days is, we have so much processed unnatural food at our disposal that we often get confused about what our bodies are actually asking for. The foods you crave may NOT contain that nutrient and often the person eats unhealthy empty calories in place of nutrient dense wholefoods.
Having some knowledge about what our cravings can mean, may help us to reduce unhealthy habits and poor food choices.
Over eating can also be attributed to stress, loneliness, low serotonin and dopamine levels, depression, low blood sugar, boredom and more. I talk more about this in Hunger versus appetite.
There have been a number of studies that have shown sugar can affect the same brain regions as drugs and alcohol. People can experience a momentary mood improvement from sugar that will then be followed by a serious drop in mood and well-being; this is where people tend to reach for that sugary snack again. This pattern will set them up for an addictive cycle. Here is more on added sugar versus natural sugars.
Food or sugar addiction often goes unnoticed because the food choices change although the essential components are the same. Let’s take for example, a person rises in the morning drinks a glass of bottled juice (high in sugar and low in nutrients), has a processed white flour and sugar based cereal, mid-morning they eat a few biscuits or a muffin then for lunch it’s a sandwich, pasta or noodles, then afternoon tea they crave a sweet for a quick afternoon pick-me-up then it’s time for dinner and it’s off to grab something quick such as ready-made meals, hamburgers or pizza. White flour and sugar made up the majority of this person’s food intake with some bad fats for good measure. This person may see their food choices as different but essentially they were the same and they will often have strong cravings for refined carbohydrates and sugar on a daily basis and may not even realize this because it’s so natural to them.
What you eat regularly will also be closer to what your body will tend to crave. When a patient tells me that they never crave vegetables but they often crave sugar and salt, this person often doesn’t want them because their bodies to some degree have forgotten that they need them. You can’t really crave something that you eat rarely. So committing yourself to a Reboot will engage and remind the body what it actually wants and needs. Often people who have juiced regularly for some time will find that if they stop they really miss it and will notice a difference in their energy levels, thoughts and vitality.
The danger with unhealthy food cravings is it can stimulate binge eating in some individuals. This can be a serious health concern as it will contribute to obesity and poor health.
So here is a basic guideline as to what your body may actually need.
What your food cravings mean:
Chocolate – may indicate the need for magnesium, chromium, B-vitamins and/or essential fatty acids. Chocolate is high in magnesium so it is best to reach for the 100% cocoa in smoothies or snack on nibs or eat the darkest chocolate you can find. Here is a post about beating those chocolate cravings. Chocolate is also metabolized to serotonin, a mood boosting hormone so cravings can also be related to an emotional need. Besides healthy cocoa or dark chocolate, reach for a loved one, friend, pet or any activity that makes you feel good.
Carbohydrates (white flour based food cravings) – this may indicate insulin resistance, hypoglycaemia (blood sugar fluctuations), chromium deficiency or fatigue. This is separate to sweet cravings, often it can go unnoticed, people often crave crackers, savoury biscuits, noodles, white breads, chips, etc. Including more fiber in your diet for better blood sugar control and eating more chromium and magnesium rich fruits and vegetables such as bananas, apples, apricots, capsicum, spinach, beetroot, avocado, broccoli, celery, chard (silverbeet), carrot and parsnip will help overcome this craving.
Sugar – may indicate blood sugar imbalances and mineral deficiencies such as chromium and magnesium. Giving into biscuits, cakes, lollies, soft drinks or other refined sweets will only make the problem worse and cause a blood sugar roller coaster that leads to more cravings. Instead, choose a piece of fruit when you’re craving sweets. Here is more information on how to manage your sugar intake while rebooting. Sugar cravings are also more common when you are dehydrated and may signal a need for more water.
Salt – this can be aggravated from stress hormone fluctuations and low levels of electrolytes. Here is more information on how to increase electrolytes in your diet and during a reboot. B-vitamin rich foods are important during periods of stress. Consume foods such as nuts, seeds, legumes, whole grains, fruits and vegetables. Similar to sugar cravings, salt cravings can result from under hydration.
Fat –craving fried foods and other oily foods can indicated a simple essential fatty acid deficiency, simply eating more good quality fats will solve this in a flash. Here is more information on what fats and oils to consume for a healthy diet.
Cheese – this can also indicate an essential fatty acid deficiency as above.
Pica –cravings for non-food items such as ice, clay, dirt and chalk. This can often mean an iron deficiency or mineral deficiency in general. Consume plenty of dark green leafy vegetables, legumes, nuts and seeds for the prevention of pica. This is more frequently seen in children and during periods of greater nutritional need such as pregnancy.
Note: This list is only an indication; cravings can mean different things for different people.
Tags: Carbohydrates, craving, cravings, Fat, Hunger, salt, Sugar
Claire Georgiou, Reboot Naturopath, B.HSc ND
Claire Georgiou is an Australian Naturopath, Nutritionist and Herbalist who has completed a Bachelor of Health Science (Compl. Medicine) and an Advanced Diploma of Nutrition, Naturopathy and Herbal Medicine. She has more than 14 years of clinical experience specializing in liver disease, autoimmune disease, thyroid conditions, diabetes, insulin resistance, digestive disorders, chronic infections, children’s health, fertility and pregnancy care. Claire consults in private practice in Sydney and also offers consults out of area and is an accredited member of the Australian Traditional Medicine Society. Claire has worked closely for many years with Dr. Sandra Cabot, who is known as the “Liver Cleansing Doctor” and has written more than 25 health related books. Claire writes health related articles, creates healthy recipes and is one of the nutritionists who runs our Guided Reboot programs.
More posts from Claire Georgiou, Reboot Naturopath, B.HSc ND
We can thank Mother Nature for more than 10,000 taste buds, most of which find the greatest pleasure in the sweetest and saltiest of foods. The trick is to eat your treats by the piece, not the pound.
Accounting for taste
Sugar
and salt cravings
We can thank Mother Nature for more than 10,000 taste buds, most of which find the greatest pleasure in the sweetest and saltiest of foods. The trick is to eat your treats by the piece, not the pound.
A little sugar, sugar
Accounting for taste
I always go for a little sweet treat after lunch or dinner. Something as simple as a hard candy will do the trick, so I keep a few candies in my bag, along with a couple of small chocolate squares. I don’t feel closure to a meal unless I satisfy my sweet tooth.
Another reason for my post-meal craving could be that I’m looking for the feel-good brain chemical serotonin. Sugars, like other simple carbohydrates, signal the body to release serotonin, which boosts mood.
In any case, I tell myself I have things under control by tweaking my sweet tooth with something small and satisfying. But experts like Adam Drewnowski and Allen S. Levine, writing in the Journal of Nutrition (March 2003), say that regular consumption of foods high in sugar is often a result of habit and association, which lead to "neurochemical changes" in the brain that can hard-wire you to crave these types of foods. Uh oh.
Uneven blood sugar levels can also cause sugar cravings after a meal — often the result of the imbalance in macronutrients that occurs when carbohydrates dominate the plate. So eating a meal of pasta and a piece of bread may increase the craving, while focusing on lean protein and vegetables may lessen it.
Add more fat to your diet
Here’s a real-life example of macronutrients in action. It was common for me to have a salad that included some salmon or chicken for lunch or dinner. A few hours after finishing the meal I would feel ravenous, especially for sweets. That’s when I experimented with the need for more fat in my diet. When I added walnuts or avocado to my usual salad, my sugar cravings disappeared.
Analyze your desire for food and fine-tune each meal to the "macronutrient ratio" of proteins, fats and carbs that is just right for you.
Here are some standard ratio ranges to get you started:
Forty to 50 percent of the calories you eat should come from carbohydrates.
Twenty-five to 35 percent should come from fat.
Twenty to 35 percent should come from protein.
These ratios work well for many people, but experiment to see what suits you best.
Salty lips
Accounting for taste
Salt enhances the flavor of most savory foods. It complements chocolate pretty well, too! But if you crave more than a pinch, you might have a problem.
A 2009 study published in the journal Medical Hypotheses suggests that opiate addicts experience increased cravings for salt and salty foods. The researchers concluded that neurological mechanisms in the brain could cause addiction to certain foods, like those high in salt. Salt might very well stimulate the pleasure and reward center in the brain, just as opiates do.
Regularly craving salty foods might also mean that your sodium levels are too low from sweating excessively, such as during vigorous exercise. Be sure to replenish sodium stores lost during exercise with an 8-ounce sports drink containing 120 to 170 mg of sodium.
Women who eat low-calcium diets want salty foods more than those who get enough bone-building calcium, which suggests that a mineral deficiency can also cause a craving for salt. Researchers have concluded that a lack of potassium, calcium and iron causes test subjects to want lots of table salt.
How much salt should I consume?
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommend that adults consume between 1/2 to 1 teaspoon of table salt daily (1,500 to 2,400 mg). More than this increases your risk for developing hypertension and cardiovascular disease.
Your body needs glucose (sugar) and sodium (salt) to function properly, so when you’re worn out and your cells get sluggish, you may find yourself reaching for the chocolate-covered pretzels. But just remember, eat one pretzel — not the whole bag!
The question: It never fails. I eat some chips or pretzels and immediately want (make that, need) ice cream. What gives?
The expert: Dietician Susan M. Kleiner, R.D., Ph.D., a scientific consultant with USANA Health Sciences
The answer: "There's always room for Jell-O." Or fro-yo. Or chocolate. Or that tub of icing sitting in the back of your fridge.
But, in actuality, it has little to do with how yummy those foods are (sorry, froyo) and more with how much your brain craves variety, says Kleiner.
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"It's a survival mechanism," she says. "If our ancestors didn't opt for variety in their eating, then there would have been times during the year you wouldn't get interested in eating because of what plants were growing or what animals were around." Plus, eating a variety of foods helps ensure you get all of the nutrients you need.
Unfortunately, jumping from a salt-ridden snack to a ridiculously sugary dessert won't gain you any nutritional brownie points (mmm, brownies). But switching from something salty and crunchy to something that's sweet and silky gives your brain the variety it's looking for, both in the taste and texture departments—even if you're choosing healthy options of each—she says.
Your brain is so into variety that experts have even come up with a couple concepts that help explain the phenomenon. Known as "taste fatigue" and "sensory specific satiety," they state that, not only can you just get tired of a certain taste, but you can also experience a range of different types of "fullnesses." Basically, you're "salty" stomach can be stuffed to the brim, but if you're "sweet" stomach has yet to be fed, then yeah, there's plenty of room for dessert.
So what's a salty- and sweet-loving girl to do? Opt for these healthy foods that satisfy salt and sugar cravings.
Men love meat and ladies love sweets. Right? These stereotypes are near-effortless to buy into, particularly in the U.S., where marketers have played them hard, and consumers have adopted them as their own preferences and truths.
The perception is as follows: Women are to subsist on salad (and chocolate, sometimes) and men are to fill their plates with meat and savory dishes.
Just take a glance at the chocolate advertisements below.
dove ghiradelli hersheys godiva
(From left to right: Frames from TV advertisements for Dove, Ghiradelli, Hershey and Godiva. Click on each individual photo to watch the commercial in full.)
In all four commercials, chocolate is branded as a sinful treat that women (thin, attractive women — but that’s a topic for another day) consume because they just can’t resist.
And here, four masculine meat commercials.
hungry man burger king weber mcdonalds
(From left to right: Frames from TV advertisements for Hungry Man, Burger King, Weber Grills and McDonald’s. Click on each individual photo to watch the commercial in full.)
In these ads, men are either behind the grill or eating meat products. In Burger King’s commercial, the Texas Double Whopper is advertised for strong men who can push cars over bridges and can’t subsist on “chick food” like quiche.
So, do women really enjoy chocolate more than men do? The answer’s a little complicated. Forty percent of women in the U.S. report chocolate cravings, while just 15 percent of men lust after it. And maybe unsurprisingly (depending on who you are), “half of the women [in the U.S.] who crave chocolate say they do so right around menstruation,” Dr. Julia Hormes, an assistant professor of clinical psychology at the University of Albany told The Huffington Post over the phone.
Chocolate and PMS are closely associated, which had Hormes wondering if menstruation causes the craving. Is it a biologically-instilled hankering? Are women deficient in certain nutrients in the days leading up to their period that lead them to desire chocolate? No. In a study she published in Appetite in 2011, “These biochemical, physiological hypotheses didn’t pan out.”
So then, why do women hunt down a brick of Godiva to survive cramps and bloating? “There’s a strong influence of culture,” Hormes said. The commercials above say it all. Chocolate is marketed as a way for women to deal with negative emotion (like, say, the stress and headaches that come with PMS), Hormes said. It is an “indulgence” because it is an exception to the rule — women who diet and subscribe to a certain ideal of beauty should only consume chocolate when they “need” it.
Only in America. In Spain, for example, women don’t report craving chocolate perimensturally nearly as much as women in the U.S. do. It’s not that Spanish women have a different make-up to their cycle, it’s really that tampon and chocolate ads aren’t aired during the same commercial break. In the U.S., it seems, there’s something so strongly feminine about chocolate that fewer men report wanting it. But, “Spanish men are almost as likely to crave chocolate as Spanish women.” In Egypt, neither men nor women really report craving chocolate; “They tend to crave savory foods,” Hormes said. Our conflicting relationship with chocolate is a culturally-manufactured one.
Men get the short end of the cultural-perception stick when it comes to vegetables and healthy eating (though this is evolving as health is increasingly a priority for Americans, as more than one-third of U.S. adults are obese). While meat is commonly associated with masculinity, there’s no striking biological evidence than men need more meat than women (just typically more calories and protein, due to their larger size). This misperception developed from a historical and evolutional account — men were hunters, women were gathers (but hey — they didn’t really pluck chocolate bars from the ground).
meat is for pussies
Women do dominate the greener eating space; just 41 percent of the 7.3 million Americans that are vegetarian are male, according to the Vegetarian Times. There’s this curious sub-trend sprouting among vegetarian and vegan men: The book, Meat Is For Pussies, is a how-to guide targeted men who want to get fit on a plant-based diet. It is not a subtle example of how some are trying to re-market the vegetarian space as masculine. In an NPR feature, “For These Vegans, Masculinity Means Protecting The Planet,” one male vegan, who also happens to be a triathlete, relents, “”Everyone always thinks vegans are weak, skinny, frail, pale.” He and his fellow vegan friends are interviewed about their vegan barbecue in Brooklyn, N.Y. In the feature, the group poses while flexing muscles, exposing tattoos and appearing generally “tough.” They’re almost Popeye-esque.
“We use food to make judgments about people all the time,” Hormes said. Humans naturally label people and things to make sense of the world, but maybe, when armed with more information, we can start moving toward a more gender-neutral view of the grocery store.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/10/chocolate-craving-pms-men-vegetables_n_6102714.html
Here's the deal: you've got a friend you like; she (or he) is fun to be with, fun to go out with, intelligent, etc. There's only one problem, when it comes to your personal life, her tact can be off. She just asks too many invasive questions. Maybe you can tell she wants to know your business so she can better compare herself to you (cray annoying), maybe she's just super open and assumes you are too. Whatever her reasons for being invasive, she doesn't realize she's being flat out nosy — and you're not sure how to handle it. After all, burning bridges can get so…unnecessarily messy. Here's how to make the best out of an awkward situation that involves you keeping your cool when a friend or colleague needs to MYOB.
Humor
This is perhaps the best tack to take when a friend wants to know what your mom called to talk to you about, or why you haven't dated anyone in six months. Put a warm smile on your face, muster up a little laughter and ask your comrade when they joined the CIA, the KGB, or if she's reporting alongside James Bond to "M." Other response options could be: my mother wanted to know when I was going to clean my room, why I hadn't finished my milk at dinner last night. Or something along the lines of, "Romeo decided on Juliet, I've been waiting for him to come back." Make sure you say it while smiling, so it doesn't come off too bitchy or evasive.
Deflect and Redirect
Misdirection works in tons of social situations, and it's highly effective when you're being given the third degree. People love to talk about themselves, and sometimes a question that seems nosy to you may just be someone's way to start a conversation. Answer their question without giving away any deep details, then ask them how they're doing. How their love life is going, or what they had for lunch. Whatever they ask you, ask it back. Chances are that's what they wanted you to do anyway.
It's Ok to Fib
Life is full of ethical gray areas. Most of us realize that sometimes it's okay to be 90% truthful. If your mom is hassling you to pay your own cell phone bill, and you're not exactly keen for your friends to know you're still on her plan, say she called to discuss the holiday guest list. No harm, no foul.
Vagueness Take the Spice Out of the Question
Looking to send the message that you're being put out and want the nosiness to cease for the future? Being purposefully, but politely, vague is one way to go. Think of it like the lesson you learned in school that reacting to a bully only eggs them on. Same here. Caving in to their questions will only prolong the situation.
Let Your Body Talk
Do you know the human brain both consciously and subconsciously sizes up another person in a matter of seconds based on their appearance, body language and facial expressions? If you're not sure how to respond, effecting a "closed" position with your body can play a jedi mind trick on your interrogator. Turn away slightly, cross your arms, keep your voice at a steady, loud level to indicate this is not a private conversation and avoid making direct eye contact. It might be time to see if anyone is texting you.
Chill on the Gossip
While you're practicing all of these methods to keep your friendship on track without hurting feelings, keep in mind that gossiping with said investigator is only going to exacerbate the problem. Why? Because you're giving the message that you're into nitty, gritty details of others' lives; that you like to talk about things that aren't necessarily your business. You're basically giving them permission to start a gossip session with you—about you—when there's nothing else to talk about. So chill on talking about hush-hush details of someone else's life.
If all else fails, this may be someone you want to think about distancing yourself from. After all, there are tons of cool people out there who won't make you uncomfortable on a regular basis and there a million ways (thanks Internet) to meet them.
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