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Hey all



you know my Name. Its C.J or Ciaran.

I am almost nearly 30.

How unfortunate.

I was looking back, when I was a kid, I never had a good life.

I was an oddball, wallflower, total wacko and not a people person although I tried to make friends but ended up with bruises and cuts and being pushed off. So I decided to be just invisible one.

Unfortunately did not go as I wish. From home to school was alright. Vice versa was not.

There was two popular girls at school in me' class. A blonde girl, and a brunette. Both were loved. Both were appreciated. The attention was on them alright. The Blonde one, was more into her studies though and never cared for attention if not to make only few friends and being liked by the teachers. But the other one wanted attention from all. Girls, boys and teachers. Everyone getting used to her attitude, teachers got bored and given her attention if she gets all straight A's.

Boys many of them wanted her attention, but she gave all her attention to good looking ones and promising students, newbies, and rich ones, or that have parents that got great influence.



I was her so called friend. But a Duff. Not good looking, Not a princess looking since no one knew what real gender I belonged to. I was a girl to everyone's eyes. And although me father made sure I was living comfortable , I was not loaded.

I was invisible. Still a clown and a servant of this damn girl. Although I never did what she asked me.

I always had mind of me own. Meaning most of the time I had a death wish??

And I was blunt from the start and stayed quiet,

A new guy came from bloody Australia. He was kind of cute and wild and blunt too. And bold.

F.... the brunette stood up, pushed James off the chair to the floor. My near desk was always empty so I always filled it with me satchel and shit. He ignored F and came on to me, and saw I was ignoring him and kept drawing to my own contentment and he simply took my satchel and put it near me, than he sat beside me.



From whole classroom he chose the place beside me desk. No one defies F. Things turns really really bad if you do. I defied her and Never ended up well. But i thought, its his damn problem this time. So wrong I bloody was. That goddamn nasty cunt, took all her anger on me.



1. Pins in my p.e shoes

2. threats on my desk written in every color, Permanent pens

and I ended up being hit on my both hands with a ruler for 20 times and had to wash it clean using all sort of methods. Thank goodness mum, sorted me out telling me to use lemon with cif, and hot water.

3. they glued my chair

4. they threw a bucket of dirty water on me,

5. ripped off my text books and copy books

6. Threw a bucket of male piss and vomits that seems to being kept a whole week.

7. throwing me stones and bricks.

8. forcing me to steal from the grocers and iron monger shop several times

9. ripping off my skirt while I had P.E

and

10. They start to follow me and beat the crap out of me everyday at school. from home to school or church, from church to school, if I don't bring them money from my parents, (stealing) or stealing from the shops. Shop lifting. and Hit badly again and bloody way to home. Boys sure did anything for her.

J continued to make friends with me and talking to me. I kept doing the same but still always looking behind my back.

Never knew it was her. She kept coming to me and helping me with homework and stuff. I should have knew better that she was just covering her tracks and trying to see if I got the hint and to leave J alone. Guess my IQ was too low to know. Lets say it. I was qualified stupid beyond belief. I never saw that coming.

and

11: well there became more very carnal and brutal abuse from monday to friday and complete torture. After a year taking it all in, I exploded and talked to pa. He went to their parents and their parents all they said was " They are just kids, And when they see a girl they like they play roughly the way they know it,"

He went to the headmaster and the police and nothing was done either. Cause I opened my goddamn mouth, things went to hell.

They took it to upper level and went on and on for other 2 years.

I was a duff, wallflower, hated, yet in between classes they nicknamed me the virgin harlot. sarcastic nasty nickname.



I was bullied for 3 whole years everyone. Abused and ignored. My pa and ma were the only one to believe me, but if I opened my mouth again, things could have gone much worst.



Secondary school??? I became someone else.

I remained the duff. Unwanted only this time I made to remain alone and refused to make friends. I never wanted anyone anymore. I decided to shutdown on people,. kids and teachers. I never trusted anyone. Teachers that helped me getting myself better in studies were few, and since I saw their genuinity in their actions, I got the will to study. Others that did not give a shit, I ignored them and the lessons. if a teacher becomes a bitch, I set her/him in their place, fuck the consequences.

I became the devil may care.

If a girl or a group took it on me, I retaliate in very nasty way enough to make them cry even awake. I was able to cause nightmares even when they were awake. I caused chaos and destruction in my wake when someone tried some shit on me.



I was indeed hated yet popular. No one approached me except lazy students who came to me with Italian problems and sports stuff and cooking. For fuck sake!!!!!

I started to ask 2 maltese lira for every italian paper.

2Lira composition

2Lira comprehension

3Lira grammar



from 100 students to 25 students.



5Lira Cooking advise

5 lira recipes and showing them

4 lira washing the dishes only.



from 25 to 4 students.



I only helped willingly free those who were with down syndrome

or with special needs. They were not lazy. They needed help more cause they were slow learners like me. So I could understand the situation. I just kept to me own though. The students who were trouble makers and older than me liked me most of them, after putting them straight that is.

Showed them I am not gonna be their pussy.

In the private from school to home, my parents started to come for me since they discovered I was being bullied by the same boys that were in my class. and when they could not I broke all the school rules, and got myself to Mosta square to get on the fucking local buses which was better than being bullied.

either I am late at home or earlier. I was always a wallflower, yet popular and well hated, yet I became more feisty and always blunt, rude at times, bitch mode mostly on. Many call me asshole and I don't give a fuck. =P

I am not good looking to many, oh well no big deal

it makes me, ME.

I am fine being a wallflower, oddball, freak or weirdo. you know why?? Cause I am free from society, from trying to impress. from being a prison in my own self just to please others, when it is impossible to do cause no matter what I do, they never gonna be happy. They will always find a way to try to break me. Cause they are not free and full of insecurities and imprisioned cause they want to belong, to fit somewhere. I am not though.

I am not going to try. Never did, Never will. Never belonged to no one if not to my parents. And that was enough. It will always be enough. I am in a prison of my own skin, that is my gender. But only that. I came out not caring to be ridiculed and tormented and bullied cause Am a guy in a girl gender yet I love men and not girls. Always be misunderstood. Its life. fuck them. I won't go down without a fight. And If I break again, If I will burn to ashes and my dignity falls apart, do not take it for granted cause I will come back

stronger than ever, and live while seeing all your faces, with fake smiles and yet knowing your souls tormented with self hate,and ready to bring someone else down, so busy in doing that and not knowing what hit you. My happiness will hit you. My happiness and strength and freedom that you never seem to have.



thank you.



I thank my ma, I thank my pa. I thank others too who were life who believed in me.

And haters, really come out from that hate self and hater attitude or emotion. it will only eat you up, make you prisoners and never really know life. But if you want to live in damnation and insanity its up to you,

COMMENTS

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darkangel1
03:30 Jun 06 2015

I'll always believed and be here for you

From your sister

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AngelicaRose
06:19 Jun 06 2015

It is sad that there are people who feel the need to hurt others in order to make themselves feel better or bigger. These people are the weaklings, weak in mind, body and spirit. They will wallow in their own self pity.

You are the strong one my friend and i glad to call you friend.

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