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3 entries this month
Happy Gummoween13:16 Oct 21 2021
Times Read: 511
Well…in the past I have been accused of being something of a hermit…which is actually, pretty much fine with me…BUT…seeing as this was the big Halloween get drunk wear your psychotic mess on your sleeve look Ma I’m a call cowgirl threw this conglomeration of stray apparel together as a costume stripper ballerina fireman I don’t know what the hell that’s supposed to be, weekend…I decided I would give the real world another attempt and out to a bar I ventured.
I want to say at this juncture that I did NOT see any of the following: Vampire (Except yours truly, of course.); Ghost; Werewolf; Zombie; Witch; Goblin; Devil; Pumpkin costume of some sort; Dead Person; Cardboard Box Robot covered with tin foil with real blinking lights; Frankenstein; or even, at a stretch, an Alien. I feel safe in saying…the concept of Halloween has been lost…LOST…but that’s not what this post is about (But it should be.).
I found the nicest little dark corner of the bar and there I stood watching all the NOT HALLOWEEN COSTUMES! Sure…sure…a few little Honey Bunnies were showing off as much flesh as they could get away with and such did make the NO HALLOWEEN COSTUMED evening a little more palatable…well…for the most part…a few needed a serious reality check. If one is fat…wearing less apparel doesn’t make one thinner…for some…these should be words to live by…I suggest the Cardboard Box Robot covered with tin foil with real blinking lights, costume.
There I stood taking it all in…*Oh look…a whole table full of Naughty Cowgirls…how…scary*…*Ah…a Gremlin costume.*…I narrowed my eyes…*Wait…wait…that’s not a costume.*. There by the pool table wobbled a little old female barfly…I’ve seen these women many times…I’ve even watched one relieve herself right on her bar stool…charming...and it was very easy to imagine this particular one taking that shortcut during a Marathon drinking session.
There she stood wobbling and glancing in my direction…*Oh boy*…~wobble wobble wobble~…~wobble wobble wobble~…~Glance~…~wobble wobble wobble~……~wobble wobble wobble~…~Glance~…~wobble wobble wobble~…*Ohhhhhhh boy*…~wobble wobble wobble~…and then…she made an erratic beeline for yours truly…
Her…”I love your cosshtume!”.
Me…”I’m not wearing a costume.”.
Her…”I love your cooooat!”. (Referring to my long black gentleman's coat.)
Me…”Thank you, but really it’s just a very old coat.”.
Her…~wobbles~…”Whyyyyy are you ignoring me?”.
Me…”I’m not ignoring you, I’m speaking with you.”
Her…”I love your cooooat!”.
Me…”Yes…thank you again!”
Her…”Don’t ignore meeeee!”…~wobbles~.
Me…”I’m not ignoring you, I’m speaking with you!”.
Her…~wobbles~…”Do you danshhh?”.
Me…”No…I don’t dance.”.
Her…”Whyyyyyy not?”… ~wobbles~.
Me…”Because I’m a tight ass white boy.”
Her…~Cackles and wobbles~…”Letsh dannnnnnsh!”.
Me…”I just told you I don’t dance.”
Her…~wobbles cackles wobbles~…”Why nooooooot?!”.
Me…”Because I’m a tight ass white boy.”. (I must admit, at this point I considered snapping her neck.)
Her…~Cackles and cackles and cackles and wobbles and cackles~.
Her…”I love your coat!”…~wobbles~.
Me…”Yes, I know.”
It was at this point she yanked her dentures out and smiled at me...I got the fright of my life.
Terrified, I flew home. BOO!
From The Lumberyard Days...A Half Hour Later...The Return23:01 Oct 20 2021
Times Read: 522
Female Customer...*stares*...
Me...*stares*...
Female Customer...*stares”...
Me...*stares with a raised eyebrow*...
Female Customer...*stares*...
Me...”Can I help you?”.
Female Customer...”My husband wants 8 2x4s.”.
Me...”Okay...what length of 2x4 does your husband want?”
Female Customer...*stares*...
Me...”2x4s come in 8'...10'...12'...14'...16' and even 20' lengths...what length does you husband need?”
Female Customer...”He said he needs 8 2x4s.”.
Me...”What is your husband going to do with the 2x4s?”.
Female Customer...”I don't know, he's working on the corner of the barn, what 2x4 do you think he needs?”
Me...”I have no idea on the state of your barn's corner, or what length 2x4 could be required for a repair.”.
Female Customer...”You work in a lumberyard!”.
Me...*stares*...
Female Customer...~STORMS OUT~...
Me...*stares*...
From The Lumberyard Days13:12 Oct 20 2021
Times Read: 545
Female Customer...*stares*...
Me...*stares*...
Female Customer...*stares*...
Me...”Can I help you?”.
Female Customer...”I need a 2x4x6x8.”
Me...”What?”.
Female Customer...”I need a 2x4x6x8.”
Me...”There's no such thing.”
Female Customer...”A 2x4x6x8?”
Me...”Yes...there's no such thing as a 2x4x6x8.”
Female Customer...”My husband sent me down here to get a 2x4x6x8.”
Me...”Well...either your husband doesn't know what he's talking about, or you misunderstood him. I can't sell you something that doesn't exist and a 2x4x6x8 doesn't exist. I could sell you 6 2x4x8s, or 4 2x6x8s, or even 2 4x6x8s...treated of course...would you like any of those?”
Female Customer...”I want what my husband sent me down here to get! This is a lumberyard and you don't have a 2x4x6x8?!”
Me...”I suppose a lumberyard in a different dimension might have a 2x4x6x8, but I don't know of one.”
Female Customer...~STORMS OUT!~...
Me...*stares*...
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COMMENTS
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LORDMOGY
18:35 Oct 21 2021