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5 entries this month
Happy Gummoween12:43 Oct 26 2013
Times Read: 523
Well…in the past I have been accused of being something of a hermit…which is actually, pretty much fine with me, fuck you very much…BUT…seeing as this was the big Halloween get drunk wear your psychotic mess on your sleeve look Ma I’m a whore cowgirl threw this conglomeration of stray apparel together as a costume stripper ballerina fireman I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to be, weekend…I decided I would give the real world another attempt and out to a bar I ventured.
I want to say at this juncture that I did NOT see any of the following: Vampire (Except yours truly, of course.); Ghost; Werewolf; Zombie; Witch; Goblin; Devil; Pumpkin costume of some sort; Dead Person; Cardboard Box Robot covered with tin foil with real blinking lights; Frankenstein; or even, at a stretch, an Alien. I feel safe in saying…the concept of Halloween has been lost…LOST…but that’s not what this post is about (But it should be.).
I found the nicest little dark corner of the bar and there I stood watching the NOT HALLOWEEN COSTUMES! Sure…sure…a few little Honey Bunnies were showing off as much flesh as they could get away with and such did make the NO HALLOWEEN COSTUMED evening more palatable…well…for the most part…a few needed a serious reality check. If one is fat…wearing less apparel doesn’t make one thinner…for some…these are words to live by…I suggest the Cardboard Box Robot covered with tin foil with real blinking lights, costume.
There I stood taking it all in…*Oh look…a whole tableful of aging Slutty Cowgirls…how…scary*…*Ah…a Gremlin costume.*…I narrowed my eyes…*Wait…wait…that’s not a costume.*. There by the pool table wobbled a little old female barfly…I’ve seen these women many times…I’ve even watched one relieve herself right on her barstool…charming. And it was very easy to imagine this particular one taking that shortcut during a Marathon drinking session.
There she stood wobbling and glancing in my direction…*Oh Christ*…~wobble wobble wobble~…~wobble wobble wobble~…~Glance~…~wobble wobble wobble~……~wobble wobble wobble~…~Glance~…~wobble wobble wobble~…*Ohhhh Christ*…~wobble wobble wobble~…and then…she made an erratic beeline for yours truly…*This isn’t going to smell good*.
Her…”I love your cosshtume!”.
Me…”I’m not wearing a costume.”.
Her…”I love your cooooat!”. (Referring to my long black gentlemen’s coat.)
Me…”Thank you, but really it’s just a very old coat.”.
Her…~wobbles~…”Whyyyyy are you ignoring me?”.
Me…”I’m not ignoring you, I’m speaking with you.”
Her…”I love your cooooat!”.
Me…”Yes…thank you again!”
Her…”Don’t ignore meeeee!”…~wobbles~.
Me…”I’m not ignoring you, I’m speaking with you!”.
Her…~wobbles~…”Do you danshhh?”.
Me…”No…I don’t dance.”.
Her…”Whyyyyyy not?”… ~wobbles~.
Me…”Because I’m a tight ass white boy.”
Her…~Cackles and wobbles~…”Letsh dannnnnnsh!”.
Me…”I just told you I don’t dance.”
Her…~wobbles cackles wobbles~…”Why nooooooot?!”.
Me…”Because I’m a tight ass white boy.”. (I must admit, at this point I considered snapping her neck.)
Her…~Cackles and cackles and cackles and wobbles and cackles~.
Her…”I love your coat!”…~wobbles~.
Me…”Yes, I know.”
It was at this point she yanked her dentures out and smiled at me. I got the fright of my life.
Terrified, I left and came home.
BOO!
The Biggest Prick In The World14:19 Oct 21 2013
Times Read: 536
A lock of my hair? Sure.
Fingernail clippings? Sure.
A dollop of my blood? An item of clothing? Absolutely.
Mr. High Priest Witchdoctor Voodoo man, you can have all of that and just curse away! Go ahead, make a wax doll and push pin it until the cows come home! Slaughter a chicken! Light some candles! Chant and shake to your heart’s content! Take a week…a month…a year…give it everything you have and you know what? Nothing is going to happen to me…nothing. Do you know why nothing is going to happen to me? I’ll tell you why…because I don’t believe in you, or in Voodoo for that matter…so…take your best shot…I’ll sleep like a new born pup.
I’ve always been of the same opinion concerning hypnosis.
Senior year…the entire high school has an assembly in the gymnasium…with…a Hypnotist…and believe me…even way back in 1975…this was yawn material. I’m not even sure why we had this…not sure what the point was…the entertainment value was incredibly low. We had a rock band once…”Free_” something or other…they did “Guitarzan” and everything! Pretty cool…anyway…
I can’t honestly say what happened during the entire assembly, this is in testament to my enthrallation, but I most certainly do remember the big finale!
Henry Hypnotist chose 12 students from the bleachers with yours truly being 1 of said 12. He arranged us in two rows on the gymnasium floor and instructed all to sit with crossed legs, lower our heads and close our eyes.
He went through the typical Hypnotist jargon…relax…getting sleepy…sleepy…and finally announced to the student body at large that we were hypnotized…I remember thinking…*I’m not fucking hypnotized.*…*Mr. Tu…are we hypnotized?*…”No sir…we are not.*…*I didn’t think so.*…and then he…Henry Hypnotist…told we “hypnotized” students…”If you feel me tap you on your shoulder, get up and go back to your seat.”…yeah…this was real dramatic stuff! One could have cut the tension in the air with a knife!
So I sat listening to footsteps walking away, waiting to feel that tap on my shoulder at any moment…I sat some more…more footsteps…waiting…waiting…more footsteps. Finally I came to the mystical conclusion that I was the last one sitting on that gymnasium floor.
Now…why he chose me I have no idea. Perhaps he thought I looked like an accommodating chap…a good sport…a trooper…perhaps he was caught in my weirdo-magnet’s magnetic pull…again…I don’t know, but there I was.
Speaking directly at me, in front of the whole goddamn school, he says…”When I tap you on your shoulder, you are going to get up and walk back to your seat…TOTALLY DRUNK!”…I thought to myself…*Boy pal…did you pick the wrong hombre’!*.
So…he taps me on my shoulder and I jump up and start walking back to my seat like Sunday go to church! He immediately sees that I’m not going to be an accommodating chap…nor am I going to be a good sport or a trooper! Quickly he saddles right up beside me, grabs my shoulders and tries rocking me side to side, tries to throw me off balance, while between clenched teeth whispering…”ACT DRUNK ACT DRUNK ACT DRUNK!”…but…I wasn’t having any of that bullshit…GREAT FUN!
On that walk back to my seat…I was…The Biggest Prick In The World!
Jesus…Sonar03:34 Oct 19 2013
Times Read: 549
Look…it is very admirable…making an effort to coax Amerika’s youth to consume more vegetables…very admirable. The angle you used was clever and amusing…the little boy asks…”Mom, will eating broccoli help me pull off a Fakey Frontside Olly with a twist?”…then the mother says…”It couldn’t hurt…honey…it couldn’t hurt.”…not exactly oneofakindawardwinning clever…but not bad…obviously you didn’t sit around for weeks on end trying to come up with an original angle…you took a used tried and true route…an easy way out…but…it works…no kudos though.
Now…a problem arises when the youth asks…”Will eating carrots give me X-Ray vision?”…and then…you play…the sound effect…of…sonar. Sonar? For X-Ray vision?! Sonar?
Everyone knows the sound of sonar, “20 Thousand Leagues Under The Sea”, countless PBS Underwater Specials, “Aquaman”, “Johnny Quest”, a million submarine movies, there is no more identifiable sound, in the world, than sonar…it’s one of a kind…stand alone…no mistaking it…SONAR! Who the hell doesn’t know what sonar sounds like?! What mental defective thinks X-Ray vision sounds like sonar?! SONAR?!
See…if the kid would have asked…”Will eating carrots allow me to screech under water and judge distance by the returning sound waves?”…THEN…the sound effect of sonar would have been absolutely understandable…THEN…I wouldn’t have to sit here thinking you’re a fucking idiot.
Let’s examine what sound effects would have been more appropriate for X-Ray vision. We all remember Superman when he used his…red beams shot out of his eyes that made a circle on a wall, or something, and rendered that area transparent…that’s X-Ray vision. I’m thinking the sound effect of a Ray Gun would have been the perfect match…X-RAY vision…RAY gun…perfect…understandable and perfect. A chuffing giraffe, a fart, a strong wind, a laughing monkey, chalk on a chalkboard…all of those I would have used for the sound effect of X-Ray vision…BEFORE…sonar. Sonar…was the absolutely…completely…idiotic…wrong choice.
Why Mr. MadMan did you do this? Was sonar the only sound effect you possessed in your arsenal of sound effects? I’m not even in “The Biz” and I have two discs, that combined, total 4 thousand sound effects and I’m pretty goddamn sure a Ray Gun sound effect is included! I’m a little shaky on a chuffing giraffe sound effect, but I wouldn’t dismiss out of hand that such isn’t there. Yours truly would have taken the time…the care…I would have had the respect for X-Ray vision…TO LOOK!
So…see…I know why you used the sonar sound effect for X-Ray vision…because you are stupid and lazy.
Jesus…sonar.
Alright…Fine…Let’s Talk About The Uterus13:58 Oct 11 2013
Times Read: 572
Uterus spelled backwards is…SURETU (Which I’m pretty sure is referenced in “The Satanic Bible”).
So…last night at 1st break I gathered my panel of experts (The gal-a-roos at the smoking table) concerning the intricacies of this, turns out, magical organ and a number of issues were confirmed.
The uterus IS the WOMB! DAMNIT! The WOMB is NOT the AMNIOTIC SAC! See…for almost 57 years I have thought the AMNIOTIC SAC was the WOMB! No teacher in any class in any institution ever said anything different! They’d point at a representation and say…”LOOK…THE BABY IS IN THE WOMB! And what’s the baby actually inside? THE AMNIOTIC SAC!! The BABY is not actually IN the WOMB…the BABY is IN the AMNIOTIC SAC and the AMNIOTIC SAC is in the WOMB!! BIG DIFFERENCE! GET IT RIGHT!! I should sue somebody. And I should add here even at the Lamaze class, I suffered through, declined to make this distinction.
Oh ho ho ho…and that’s not the only misinformation that has been perpetrated on yours truly for almost 57 years!
It was as well stated that…like a rattle snake…the uterus sheds its skin on a regular basis and when I asked…”Well where the hell does that go?!”…they answered with…”What do you think the menstrual cycle is?”. I tell you now…unashamedly…I…was…floored. I said…”Well…isn’t the menstrual cycle the expulsion of unfertilized eggs?”…oh how they laughed at that…they said…”NO! HA HA HA HA HAAA…the menstrual cycle is the uterus shedding its skin…call it practice for when a woman eventually gives birth…AH HA HA HA HA!”. I asked…”Are you telling me…you don’t lose eggs during a menstrual cycle…that it’s the discarded skin of a uterus?!”…in unison they said…”YES!”.
Now…I’m going to tell you why this was very important information…very important…and this just dawned on me…my psychological well being at this moment is holding on by a thread…A THREAD!
I have what is referred to as my…Red Wings. I read and heard from many different sources that certain men possessed such…Red Wings…such was presented as something of a club…a rite of passage…a peer thing. See…I thought I was eating the eggs of the unfertilized…which…was rather cool in a barbaric vampire way…give me a second, I don’t know if I can type what comes next…please…a moment…*sits and stares at the monitor*…now I’m being told…now…not 57 years ago…NOW…that I was eating the dead discarded skin of a uterus?!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me?! THE DEAD DISCARDED SKIN OF A UTERUS?!! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGMGOMG!!!! Ladies of Crown…please…PLEASE…TELL ME YOU WERE JUST JOKING AROUND!! PLEASE TELL ME I DIDN’T EAT THE DEAD DISCARDED SKIN OF A UTERUS!!! PLEASE!!!!OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGGGGGGG!! My personal disrespect has just dropped to an all time low…O…M…G…I think I’m going to throw up…
I Did Drugs17:53 Oct 02 2013
Times Read: 592
In my 56 years of tripping around this rock, I’ve sampled a few substances…a few. Now now now…I’ve never sampled, what might be considered, hard core drugs…such as… heroine…crack…meth…opium…well…I concede…I smoked opium once…ONCE…in a joint…it tasted like perfume…ack.
In almost every case when I experimented…near as I could tell…nothing happened. I snorted a line of coke once and I should say at this juncture, all my experimenting was a very long time ago…when I was a young buck…so there’s no point in drug testing me now…this is way past history…you can drug test me if you want…but…like the drugs I’ve tried…nothing is going to happen…anyway…
I kept waiting for something to happen after I snorted that coke…10 minutes…nothing…15 minutes…nothing…20 minutes…nothing…I asked the guy…”Are you sure that was coke?!”…he confirmed indeed it was…30 minutes…nothing…I thought to myself…*Good thing that was free because nothing happened!*…I couldn’t figure out why people would spend money buying coke.
Pot was pretty much the same outcome…nothing…a friend would say…”Hey…dude…you want to smoke a joint?”…I’d say…”Yeah…okay…fine.”. We’d partake of the herb and 5 minutes later he would say how high he was…”Oh…dude…I’m so high!”…I’d sit there thinking…*You’re a fucking idiot.”…I couldn’t figure out why people would spend their hard earned cash on pot either…nothing happens!
Well…other than the socially sanctioned drugs…you know…nicotine, alcohol, sugar…that’s the extent of my substance experiences…well…*Looks left…looks right.”…okay…one summer…many many years ago…decades past…I took acid…twice…I’m not sure if it was Rainbow, or perhaps Blotter (Is there a difference?) and I have to say…THAT…DID SOMETHING! I WAS TRIPPIN’…BABY! PEOPLE’S FACES WERE MELTING! I laughed laughed laughed laughed laughed! GREAT FUN!
Sadly…*snorts*…one cannot make such an activity a fixture in one’s life…I mean…*Points to head*…one would burn out the old noggin’…so…I only tripped out twice. Now I’m not advocating acid use…most of you don’t have the iron will I have…IRON WILL…so…you should probably stay clear of acid…I mean…I could trip out twice and then just stop…never to trip again…*sighs*…man…that was fun.
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COMMENTS
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atyourwindow
15:29 Oct 26 2013
Lmfao!