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3 entries this month
The Sleep Disorder Clinic06:49 May 31 2010
Times Read: 986
I’m pretty sure…almost positive…I don’t sleepwalk all the time. I’ve written about such a thing happening when I as but a wee vampire in my fathers dungeon…but…there was one other time in my life I know for certain that I went through a sleepwalking period…I was an adult (if I was ever such a thing) in Toledo when I slept in a closet (long story).
For a time I would do in reality whatever it was I was dreaming…a few examples…in one dream the walls were closing in on me…like in a 007 movie…that slow methodical closing that eventually will crush anything within. Well…in the dream I was pushing back against those walls to no avail…onward they came…so…I started screaming for help. In another dream a huge window was falling on me…so…I reached up to catch it…but…one of my hands missed the side and went straight through the glass. Shards of glass fell all over me and the window was so heavy I couldn’t keep it from doming down…so again…in the dream I started screaming for help. Now…let me tell you…when one wakes from a dream they are actually doing…it is very weirdofuckingrama! One does not know they have woken…after all…ones eyes are already open…there is no snap back to reality…it takes a few minutes to realize one is no longer dreaming…*cue Twilight Zone music*.
You see…in those two examples my screaming gradually woke me…with the first I found myself standing on my bed pushing on the walls…with the second I found myself standing in the living room with my fist and arm punched through the picture window. Again let me tell you…there is no bigger pain in the ass than cleaning up picture window glass and then cover said window at 4:30 am. After the latter episode I started to become a little concerned…*points to head*…think about it…after all…my subconscious mind could cook up just about anything…I mean…what if I dreamed I was driving around downtown naked some night? Oh yeah…sure…try explaining that one to Johnny Law…help yourself…”But officer I was dreaming!”…”Yeah yeah sure pervert…tell it to the judge!”…Mr. Tu would have been spending a naked night in jail…and let us face it…I am just a little too pretty for that! This is when I learned to be afraid of my subconscious mind. Michael? Michael…you are not to blame for that…are you?!
Michael…”No Mr. Tu…*giggles*”
So…I called my sister…the doktor…the botanist…and relayed to her these little dream adventures of mine and my growing concern. Being well connected…as doktors tend to be…it wasn’t long before she had procured for me an appointment at a Sleep Disorder Clinic. I woke early the next morning…still in my closet…THANK GOD…cleaned out my ears…surely they would be peeking in there…snatched my Sleep Disorder Clinic directions and was off to put this business to rest…I was thinking perhaps some heavy duty tranquilizers I could mix with booze to procure an excellent party state of mind…of course…that was my imaginary best case scenario.
…*This can not be right*…I thought…*I am in an industrial area…a rather rundown industrial area*…I checked my directions again…*No…no…this is correct…where the fuck is the Sleep Disorder Clinic?*. THAT IS THE SLEEP DISORDER CLINIC?! It looked like nothing more than an abandoned warehouse…it did not even have a sign! Well…I parked my hearse and walked through all the trash and broken glass on the sidewalk to the door…again…nothing on it…I was having some doubts about this time.
I opened the door and peeked into a fluorescent lit…small cinder blocked waiting room…old couch…coffee table complete with tattered magazines…another door straight across from me and to my immediate right a opaque window that I could see a figure behind. I strode up and firmly rapped on the window…there was no bell to ring…*How shabby*…I thought. The window slid open and there settled at a desk was a brunette woman with great breasts…*the situation is looking up*…”May I help you sir?”…*you have no idea*…”I am Mr. Tu and I may have a most serious sleep disorder”…she looked through some papers while I looked at her orbs…”Yes Mr. Tu…here you are…please wait and I will let you in.”…*LET me IN?*.
The window closed and I saw her move away…ten or fifteen seconds later I heard that door opposite me unlock…*Unlock?*…my busty little receptionist opened the door and said…”Please follow me Mr. Tu.”…*with an ass like that dear…anywhere*…I stepped through the door and into a long hall.
Now…I know dear reader that you might think I exaggerate and embellish my tales…but…I swear to the warriors in Valhallah…that hall looked like a scene from ‘Hostel’ combined with ‘Midnight Express’! Doors lined each side…pipes and ducts crisscrossed the ceiling and the few lights did not make for a very cheery atmosphere! And there were people! People in white hospital gowns! People in white hospital gowns pulling those trolley things along as they walked up and down that hall! The trolley things did not have IVs on them…instead they had machines with little blinking lights and from those machines snaked wires to the walking people in the white hospital gowns heads! And where those wires met their heads? There were shaved spots! JESUS CHRIST! LITTLE SHAVED SPOTS!! THE WIRES WERE TAPED IN LITTLE SHAVED SPOTS! DID YOU READ THAT?! SHAVED SPOTS!! My concern grew…vampires do not…let me repeat that…do not…sport little shaved spots on their heads…it is just not done! And their eyes…DEAR GOD…their eyes sent out a silent plea of …*Help!*…when they met mine…mine sent back…*Every man for himself motherfucker…do I look like Batman?*.
We arrived at the other end of the hall where Busty LaRue unlocked that door…*Unlocked?*, She opened the door and motioned me inside with…”The doktors will be with you in a minute.”…*Doktors?*. After she closed the door I waited until her footsteps faded away…then…I TRIED THAT FUCKING DOOR KNOB!! It was unlocked…*whew*…I relaxed a little…that coupled with the fact I had not seen a single NFL Linebacker size Orderly made me feel rather sure I could fight my way out…if I had to.
This room had a large desk…a couch in front of it…a few other upholstered chairs by the door…a bookshelf crammed with huge old looking books…a big machine that also had wires snaking from it…I unplugged that bad boy…some plastic plants and cheap paneling adorned with diplomas…oh yeah…I looked closely at those! Oh Yeah!
I heard footsteps coming so I seated myself on the couch…in walked the doktors…a big man…a small man…and a woman…*Why do they need three doktors?*. The small man went right for the desk while the big man and the woman took the two chairs by the door…I did not like that one bit. I shifted my position on the couch so I could keep them all in view.
“Hello Mr. Tu…I am doktor Bundy and this is doktor Gacey and doktor Manson…we hear you’ve had some problems…what’s been going on?”...to which I replied…”It all started when I arrived home from SPECIAL FORCES TRAINING…and then I went on and told them about all the sleepwalking. “Well”…said doktor Bundy after I had finished…”It’s one of two things…you are either hyperactive…or…you have a brain tumor.”…to which I replied…”Get the fuck out of here.”…and left.
…*snorts*…a brain tumor…*snorts*
The Rock And The Hard Place18:31 May 07 2010
Times Read: 1,077
I went out with The Scottish Brute and his girlfriend tonight. Yeah...we got pretty boozed...yeah...I know...that's happening way to frequently lately. Now...The Scottish Brute's ( TSB for short) girlfriend and I don't exactly have personalities that mesh...she believes in the Disney Ideal...and we all know how I feel about that?! KA-PEESH? The only way I can get along with her is to not be me...and seeing how TSB and I are friends I try to keep the peace...well...as much as my smartass personality will allow...which isn't a lot...but some.
Now...let's keep in mind I haven't had a woman in a decade...haven't been seen with a woman in tow in a very long time...and on the rare occasion I've heard a humorous remark insinuating some kind of Gaybo love for TSB...to which I usually reply...”Fuck you dipshit!”...and to which I reply to any reader who may be thinking the same thing...”Fuck you dipshit!.
So...tonight...after a alcohol fueled parlay between TSB’s girlfriend and I...she went nuclear and made a accusation regarding my sexual preference...well...let me tell you...that didn’t sit well with Mr. Tu...actually it made me quite angry and I called her a stupid bitch.
Now...I know...that put TSB between the rock and a hard place...on one hand he has a friend of 20+ years....on the other he has his new love...well...the male code says he sides with his new love...which...I understand...I would have done the same thing myself...so...I lost an old friend tonight.
Oh I could blather on...but what’s the point? What’s the point of any of it? Is life simply “Kiss Ass To Keep The Peace”? Am I to dance through life saying what everyone wants to hear? What’s the moral of the story you ask?
Don’t go get drunk with Mr. Tu!
Breakfast And Port-O-Potties18:19 May 03 2010
Times Read: 1,103
So...it's 11:26...and I'm in a Port-O-Potty at Jimmy Bucket's...you know...that man made island bar that has two full size neon palm trees complete with tiki lights? The bar that’s entirely back road driving for me...DUI friendly? That’s Jimmy Bucket’s...very chic’...I’d been out there since 8:00...you see...it’s very relaxing...one can smoke and drink right at one’s chair...you know...it’s like being in America again...the river’s floating by...*gulp puff puff gulp*...boats coming in.
The owner has noticed I’ve been a regular this year and started floating me the occasional free beer...BONUS...the only down side is it’s a pretty strange crowd out there. Tonight they gathered up contributions so one particular man would swim across a very small channel in his underwear...they raised $110...I shit you not...$110 !!! I said...”Hell...I’ll swim across that bastard masturbating for half that!”...they looked at me like I was an insect and the free beers stopped...*FUCK!*.
So...I’m in a Jimmy Bucket’s Port-O-potty draining the lizard...~Is that a finger down there?~...I don’t know how anyone...ANYONE...could sit down on that seat! How? HOW?! If I was at Jimmy Bucket’s and had to pupe...why...I’d just wade out waist high into the river and let nature take her course...they’d yell at me...”WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE YOU SCARY BASTARD?”...I’d just look back at them innocently and say...”Nuffin...is this worth $20?!”
So...The Bucket’s was dying and I wasn’t ready to give up on that Disney Ideal yet...you know...walk into the room...eyes meet...love at first sight...all that crap...so I drove back into town and went to Bud’s...you know...Bud’s...Switzerland type roof...back patio where they make all the lepers go to smoke? Oh! I hear you...”MR. TU...MR. TU...DID YOU WALK IN AND FALL IN LOVE?!!”...ummmm...NO...so...
...I drove to Denny’s and flirted with the waitresses...Hannah actually smiled at me (I’m getting better) until the Ogre Shift Boss Wench came and scolded her for taking my take out order at the register...(bitch)...so in retaliation I made little bitchy faces behind the Ogre Shift Boss Wench’s back and made Hannah smile some more (I know...I know...smooth)...I can’t be sure...but...I think Hannah likes me. The Ogre Shift Boss Wench put together my order and brought it to me...I gave her the “Trouble Customer” routine..”Did you give me TWO maple syrups? Did you include plastic utensils? How many peppers are in there? Is the toast soggy?!”...she wasn’t amused...but...Hannah was behind her the whole time and was definitely amused...I got another smile...Hannah got a wink...(I know...I know...smooth).
So...I walked out of Denny’s with two eggs over easy with white toast...two pancakes...three sausage links...hash browns and ham...came home and put on a heavy nosh...I’d rather been noshing on Hannah!!
Oh...well...hell...another night in Dipshit Ohio.
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