The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Angel On My Shoulder
17:36 Mar 31 2010
Times Read: 766

I'll call her "Trudy"...you know...the woman that used to pupe' (that's French for crap) in front of me when I took a bath...which by the way I HATE...and she’s also the woman that made and ate Tuna And Peas cold from the refrigerator. Trudy was a severe alcoholic, in our 4 or so years together the only time she was home during an evening was when she was too sick from drinking to go out drinking. After that much time we parted ways and Trudy moved out...I THANKED JESUS CHRIST FOR THIS BLESSED EVENT!!



“Where’s the Angel Mr. Tu?”...I hear you ask...DON’T GET YOUR PANTIES IN A BUNCH...WAIT FOR IT!



Months later...one cold frozen blizzard blowing morning...now I’m talking 2 to 3 foot snow drifts being made by hurricane arctic winds...somewhere around 2 am...there’s a knock on my door. I answer the door and there stands a totally boozed out Trudy...she could barely stand...how she was driving in that blizzard I’ll never know. In less than a minute it becomes very clear that Trudy has no idea why she is at my place. (Enter that fucking Angel!).



All at once...~poof~...there sat a little Angel on my right shoulder and whispered in my ear...*Mr. Tu...you can’t let her drive home in that condition...she’ll never make it...take her keys and tell her to sleep it off on the couch.*...so...that’s exactly what I did. I told her I wasn’t looking for any “funny business”...I just wanted to go back to bed...she should just go sleep it off on the couch.



Now...not only was Trudy a severe alcoholic...she could be a violent severe alcoholic and she wasn’t having any of this “sleep it off on the couch” crap! Trudy then lived about 4 miles out of town and I knew damn well those back roads were drifted and impassable. If I let her go the best case scenario would be her ditching her car and buying a DUI...or...worst case scenario her ditching her car and then freezing to death...so I stood there arguing with her as instructed by that Angel on my right shoulder.



Well, as things went with Trudy it took about 3 minutes for her to get chaotic. After some heated slurred arguing...a few failed attempts at snatching her keys from my hand...she grabbed a steak knife off my counter and raised it like she was going to stab me. I puffed my chest out and told her to...”Go ahead.”...luckily Trudy was bluffing, so she dropped the knife...picked up one of my work boots and chucked it through a window. I have to tell you...I was starting to get angry.



Trudy bent down...picked up my other work boot and started aiming for a second window. I’d had enough. I got a hold of her coat lapels...pushed her into the wall...made a fist...cocked my right arm back and said...”Trudy dear...if you chuck that boot through another of my windows...I’m going to knock you out.”...and I would have too. Sensing my sincerity she dropped the boot and proceeded to fight and scratch at me like an insane wild cat. *ANY SUGGESTIONS ANGEL?*..I thought.



There was no way she was going to sleep it off on the couch...so...I told her I would drive her home...in the blizzard...at 2:30 am...and then bring her car back to her the next day. She seemed to think the Angel on my right shoulder was being more sensible and she seemed to calm down. She seemed to...seemed to calm down...I really should have known better...apparently the Angel on my right shoulder had a very short memory when it came to Trudy.



I threw on a pair of pants and my tennis shoes and my coat...there was no time to put on socks...there was no time to put on a shirt...I just wanted this “Trudy Escapade” finished for the night! I hustled her drunk ass out and into the wind…the ice…the snow and her car.



We were about a mile down the highway when the Angel on my right shoulder says to me...*Man...Mr. Tu...it’s colder than a well digger’s ass!*...I replied...*SHUT THE FUCK UP ANGEL!*!



We’re driving along with a big Semi truck right behind us when Trudy starts punching me in the face. I grab her by her coat and push her tight against the passenger side door while trying to keep the car under control...I scream at her...”KNOCK IT OFF YOU’RE GOING TO GET US KILLED!”. I held her there for a few moments and then carefully released her...carefully...slowly...keeping as close a watch on her as I could.



Two seconds later she has the passenger door open and is starting to jump out of the car...she’s jumping out of a moving car...with a Semi truck right behind...in a fucking blizzard! That’s my Trudy! The Angel on my right shoulder screamed...*GRAB HER...GRAB THE CRAZY BITCH!*...I replied...*WHERE WERE YOU WHEN SHE WAS PUNCHING ME IN THE FACE?!*...so...I managed to get a hold of the back of her pants and belt and pull her back into the car...where she proceeded to start punching me in the face again.



I held her face down on the seat until we made it into town and at the turn off to her back road. I pulled over...parked the car...and released her. She was out of that car like a flash and running down the side walk. She went down hard on a patch of ice. I was beside myself with fury.



I jumped out of the car and screamed...”TRUDY!”...she looked up...I held up her keys and threw them on the seat of the car...”DRIVE YOUR CAR...DO WHATEVER...BUT DON’T YOU EVER...EVER...EVER SHOW UP AT MY DOORSTEP AGAIN!!”.



I turned and started walking back home...2 miles...2:45 am...in a blizzard...no socks...no shirt. ..fat lip...broken window at home...work boot lost in a snow drift. I didn’t feel the cold for the first half mile, I was too angry...then I felt a shudder...I looked at the Angel on my right shoulder...sitting there...snow covered...shaking from the cold...and said...”GET THE FUCK OFF!”

Заботы любви закончены
06:54 Mar 27 2010
Times Read: 811

Hey...I just had a thought...yeah I know...take 'em when you can get 'em...I just had a thought.



For those of you that agree with all that's going on with America recently...I mean...the government running your life...you know...what type of car that you can buy...who the banks will loan money to...driving businesses out of business because they have been made by the government and the media un-chic'...you want them to run your healthcare...which...really means...they'll tell you what you can and can not eat, how much you have to exercise and a gaggle of other things I’m too lazy to type...basically...if they run your Healthcare...you’re f*cked...but...you want this...so...



...I was thinking of you Lemmings and online dating...EURIKA...it hit me like a bolt of lightening! You want the government to take all of the responsibilities of life...so...why not let them take the responsibility of choosing your mate?! After all...they know what’s best for you? Right? RIGHT?! And let’s face it...you haven’t done a very good job of it yourself...you’ve really f*cked it up...so...obviously you don’t have the wisdom and intellect to choose wisely...couple that with the moron offspring you’ve sired...and well...it should just be taken out of your hands.



Parents used to do this you understand? Parents used to choose the mates of their children...one used to not have a choice...but...that should just be fine with you...you don’t want to choose...you don’t want to be free...so...



...”Obamamate”...(I know...it sounds like a coffee product)...”Obamamate”...He...that’s with a capitol “H”...He...will choose who your mate will be...He will decide who you should be banging...He will decide who you will marry and procreate (under strict guide lines ) with. He will bring to America an old English crime...”For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge” ( bet you didn’t know where that word came from did you )...nope...no one will ever F.U.C.K. again. Just think of it! He will single handedly end all sexually transmitted diseases with choosing your life’s mate! This is great! You have to be excited over this idea?! Not only are your worries over amour finished...just think of all the money you’ll save on Healthcare once all STDs are eliminated! You can just relax and know “Obamamate” will be taking care of you!



“Obamamate”...it’s brilliant! Hey! All you black men will get sweet young tender white honey bunnies...GOOD DEAL! Me you ask? I don’t know...but...I’ll be very afraid! Now that I think about it...*ponders*...I might be too old for the program...perhaps they’ll have End of Sex Counseling for us geezers? That’d be super of Him!



You know what’s scary here? What’s scary here is I’m a staunch Rushbonian...yet...I’d fit right in with an Obama think tank...you see...I could come up with a thousand ways to take away your freedom...and I could justify every last one. How? How could I do this? Because you’re an idiot.

Taco Prostitute
07:55 Mar 23 2010
Times Read: 840

After sampling one of my awesome tacos…a woman would do anything…ANYTHING…to eat them again…anything! Now I am not bragging here…this is just a simple fact…if I asked a woman who has eaten my tacos to run to my hacienda buck naked carrying silk ties…for more…she would ask me how fast I wanted her in my bed! She would become my Taco Prostitute!



After a sumptuous meal of my tacos…my son and his friends could no longer eat at Taco Bell! Taco Bell tacos are turds compared to mine! Hell…my son will still drive the two hours here to eat them…TWO HOURS…I am shitting you negative! TWO HOURS! YES…they are that delicious!



Oh I hear you…”How? How MeanMeanMrTu did you come to this awesome culinary power?”…fair enough question.



I was tutored…long ago…by a little old Aztec Taco Master from the far south! And I do mean the far south…south of the border?! Older than dirt…but…put a jade handled skillet in her wrinkled old gnarled age spotted hands and magic happened! After much gringo pleading for taco knowledge…after ceremonial peyote fueled dancing…in the dark of night while coyotes howled…she led me up a winding rocky cliff path to the Great Aztec Taco Temple…and…my lessons began.



For hours and hours and hours and hours it was…lettuce on lettuce off …lettuce on lettuce off…lettuce on lettuce off…lettuce on lettuce off …chop 1 tomato…2 tomato…3 tomato 4! Crazily she would shriek…”MAZE GRINGO…MAZE GRINGO…MAZE GRINGO!”…hour after hour of blending the mystic cheeses…combining ancient secret sauces from clay bowls…my knuckles being bloodied from her brutal wooden spoon rapping when I folded a shell uneven…the horror! I will never forget how her eyes glazed over and rolled up into the lids as the meat spit and sizzled in the Aztec Golden Skillet…”MAZE GRINGO…MAZE GRINGO…MAZE GRINGO!”. Then…after what seemed an eternity…an eternity of sweat and blood and love…there on the Aztec Plate of The Taco Gods…lay one…perfect…taco. We stood there in reverence…in awe…then she turned to me and held out a single pepper in the palm of her hand…



At daybreak she led me exhausted and bleeding from the Temple…she presented me with The Golden Aztec Taco Headdress…she placed it with care on my weary head…I closed my eyes and wept. When I opened them again…she was gone.



“TELL US MeanMeanMrTU…TELL US THE ANCIENT AZTEC SECRETS SO OUR TACO-FU WILL BE STONG! TELL US…OH PLEASE TELL US!”…no…NO…I can not…do not ask this of me! I may already be in mortal danger…~looks left…looks right~…for what little I have divulged here! You do not know what you ask!



Be glad you do not have the Ancient Aztec Taco Power coursing through your veins…it is a burden I alone must carry…remember…*looks left…looks right*…with great power comes great responsibility.



*Ldosay Lesay Asopsay Otsay Aucessay…~looks left…looks right~…shhhhhhhhh.*

The Genghis Khan of Love
07:29 Mar 22 2010
Times Read: 870

Now...you gentlemen know...you KNOW...I am here to help you...this can not be disputed! And once again...I am...going to help you. When that Little Filly of Your Dreams starts doubting your commitment to her...this is what you do and say...



..."HEY! Who is tied down to my bed every night? That's right...YOU ARE! Who's towel do I yank off after a shower? THAT'S RIGHT...YOURS!!



(Now here is where you want to start stomping around the room gyrating your hips lewdly...grunting is optional.)



Who do I take out to eat Prime Rib with our fingers? Huh? Right again...YOU! Who do I play Sexy Hitch Hiker with coming home from a night of boozing? OOooohhhh you know it baby...it...iS...YOU!



(Now start running in circles and appear to be having a spasm of some kind...try to avoid peaking.)



Who do I HooOooOoooOowl at the moon for? Bingo...it's YOU CHICKIE-POO! For whom do I rise every morning to go out all day clubbing other primates into submission so I can bring to our castle fists of gold?! YOU...OH QUEEN of THE UNIVERSE!! WHO DO I OWN?! HUH? EH? WHO?!? YOU! YOU!! YOOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!



Now how...HOW...can you have any doubts? Sugar Pants...I AM...your Genghis Khan of Love!".



(Stomp around the room again gyrating your hips lewdly for punctuation and a grunt or two at this juncture is recommended.)



Not only will this calm her fears...it will also get you laid! Now now...no no no...no need to thank me...I'm just glad to help.

The 7th Taco
17:49 Mar 21 2010
Times Read: 885




Gluttony is one of the 7 Deadly Sins…can one be exonerated from one of those puppies? Will a McFession do the trick? In any event…biblically…Gluttony will send you straight to Hell…do not pass Go…do not collect 72 virgins.



I think that Commandment might be a tad bit hazy in its actually meaning…I mean…I take it…it means over eating…right? One has eaten enough…one is no longer hungry…but if…still the noshing continues…that’s “Gluttony” in a nut shell…is it not?



…*ponders*…So…that means if I eat 6 of my unbelievably awesome tacos…which…is just the right amount to stop my hunger…in all truth a mere 1 taco would do it…but after 6 I can still breathe so I’m drawing the line at 6…that means if I eat THE 7th TACO…I will be sent straight to Hell?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Hell? 1 taco?



For one corn tortilla…meat cheese tomato lettuce and hot sauce…no longer than 8 inches…no higher than 4 inches…I will be sent to burn eternally in a lake of fire?! Jesus in a diaper!! I used to eat a cool dozen of those bad boys when I still had my gallbladder! I can’t eat that many now…wow…that would probably kill me! Then where would I be? In a lake of fire burning for all eternity…apparently that’s where!



I can only eat 9 now…*sighs*…but…it appears the amount after 6 does not matter! It’s The 7th Taco that damns my eternal soul….that idea is incredibly unnerving to think about…1 little taco could decide the fate of my eternal resting place…1 little taco.



Beware The 7th Taco…it is one of the keys to The Gates of Hell!

(*Looks left…looks right*…*whispers*…my tacos are worth it…*looks left…looks right*)

Oh Danny Boy...
03:37 Mar 17 2010
Times Read: 909




...the cops the cops are road blocking...



I've spoken about this before...but...seeing how it's St. Patrick's Day and the TV news seems so proud and pious...I want to put this very simply...



...our justice system...the premise of the justice system of The United States of America is “Innocent Until Proven Guilty”! I don’t see how anyone of you could argue with that.



Now...a Police DUI Road Block assumes you are “Guilty Until You Prove Yourself Innocent”! That’s not America and I don’t care what group of biased judges says it is...I don’t care how they rationalized their Nazi thinking...they are wrong!



End of story.

Cold Case / Walk of Shame
05:37 Mar 15 2010
Times Read: 924

This has been a problem in my universe for a long...long...time. Once out of school...once marriage and then divorce have reared their massive soul sucking heads...once the gears of life have ground away at our social network...one is pretty much on their own. There's no cache of friends any longer to give one reason to be in close proximity to the opposite sex...there’s no reason to be casually near for any length of time, and I do mean for more than a few hours...no buffer zone that gives one the opportunity to exhibit a low rating on the “Serial Killer Scale”. Yes...yes...at the end...one has only the dreaded “Cold Case”.



I’ve found there is nothing worse than the “Cold Case”...nothing worse, or more impossible, than approaching a complete stranger and let’s face it...anything one says will only be taken as a come on...which...well...it is...but ladies...we’re running on empty concerning snappy original openers. What can be said?! “Hey I really like your blouse” (Schmoozer that really likes what’s IN this blouse!)...”Hey wassup homegirl” (Dipsh*t trying desperately to be young!)...”Hey do you come here often?” (Old dipsh*t that hasn’t got a clue!)...”If I told you, you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?” (Dipsh*t that’s leaving as soon as I find the bouncer!)...so...a single man approaching a strange woman will, most likely, get said man a starring role on “The Walk of Shame”!



Oh baby...”The Walk of Shame” is brutal. Don’t think for one second people are not watching! THEY ARE!! OH YES THEY ARE! There is nothing more entertaining than watching some Schlep attempt a pick up...NOTHING! Some of my most fond memories are of being a spectator when some guy tried that little maneuver...GREAT FUN! Yes...yes...I felt a tad embarrassed and sorry for them as they walked back to their table...but still...Ahh ha haha ha haaaaa!!! LOSER! *CLANG* WE HAVE A FUCKING LOSER!!!



Give us a little help here Gallaroos...if a man somehow finds the intestinal fortitude by shear will, or by booze, to approach you...if somehow he makes his trembling legs move...if he somehow manages to get an aw aw aw audible sa sa sa sa sound to come out of his kisser...don’t just leave him fucking hanging there...don’t sit there looking at him like he’s “The Elephant Man”! HELP OUT A LITTLE! SAY SOMETHING! ANYTHING...“Hey hey there big boy I can see from your bulging pants you have a huge penis.”...ANYTHING! We don’t care what it is! LIE! 10 minutes! 10 LOUSY MINUTES! That’s all it takes for a man to avoid “The Walk of Shame”!



Is 10 minutes so much to give?! I mean come on...you’ve faked orgasms all your life...you can’t fake a paltry 10 fucking minutes of compassion?!



IT’S INHUMANE...OUTRAGOUS...SELATOUS...and not very nice. Oh ho ho hooo *snorts*...I know you ladies twitter and giggle as we walk away in shame.



I hate the fucking “Cold Case”!!

That Little Voice
06:25 Mar 10 2010
Times Read: 955

~Go ahead...peek inside that pot...this will be your only chance...come on...you know you want to...just peal open one edge of that aluminum foil...I know it smells pretty bad...hold your breath...just one small tiny peek and then we'll throw it in the garbage bin outside!~



NO! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL HOW EASY I CAN PUKE OVER SOMETHING LIKE THIS...IT SMELLS HORRIBLE AND IT'S STILL CLOSED UP! LET'S JUST TOSS IT!



~Oh come on you big sissy...think about all the people that work in morgues...there's women that do that kind of work...think about those smells, they can take it, they do it every day...this can't be as bad as that...come on...one quick...tiny peek...come on...do it!~



NO! WHAT IF I FUCK UP...ACCIDENTALLY DROP IT...AND IT SPILLS ALL OVER THE FLOOR! THAT POT OF SPAGHETTI IS STILL AWFULLY FULL...WHAT THEN SMART GUY?! YOU GOING TO TOUCH IT? JESUS...THE ODER WILL KNOCK US DOWN! WE WONT BE ABLE TO COME WITHIN TWENTY FEET OF THE KITCHEN!!



~Look...you know as well as I do that kitchen floor is two years past being cleaned anyway...now pull yourself together...you're not going to drop it...go get your gloves...set the pot on the counter...take a deep breath...and peek...come on...hurry up...we haven't all day!~



ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! DON'T PUSH ME!

*peeks* JESUS CHRIST!!! WE'VE BEEN GASSED! MEDIC!!! MAN DOWN!! MAAAN DOOOOWN!



~Michael...Michael...get up Michael...you can't just lay there...get up...we'll die...get up...take that plastic serving spoon and tap the edge back down...hurry up...your were right...this smells fucking horrible...tap it back down damn you!~



HEY! SHUT UP!! YOU WERE THE ONE TELLING ME THERE WAS STILL TIME...I WANTED TO THROW IT OUT A WEEK AGO BUT YOU DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS A PROBLEM!!



~Just get it out the door Michael...it can't smell this bad in the open air...the garbage bin is only three doors down...hey...isn't that a name of a band?~



SHUT UP!



~Run Michael...hurry...run...I'm starting to lose consciousness...run goddamnit...careful...careful...don’t fucking drop it!~



ACK!!! AAAAAACK!!!!! GLURRRP! AAAAAACK!!!!



PLOP!

SLAM!!



~Thank Sunny Jesus that’s over...you know...you really shouldn’t listen to me.~

Spaghetti Lesson
07:04 Mar 07 2010
Times Read: 976

Well...seeing how I'm occupationally challenged at the moment and in the spirit of frugality...I decided last Sunday, in an effort to streeeeeetch my dietary cash reserves, I'd make a big pot of spaghetti and spend three or four days noshing it for my meals...yes I know...very thrifty.



I buy a mass produced sauce...this time it was two containers of Momma Cozzi's...two medium boxes of thin pasta noodles and a tubular package of Jimmy Deans Hot Zesty Sausage...OH FUCKING YUM!



I fry the sausage in a skillet and then add the sauce while I'm boiling the pasta...I hate waiting for that water to start boiling...watched pot and all that. I was stirring said pasta when it occurred to me that the batch looked awfully small, so I opened my cupboard and pesto...there it was...a box of angel hair pasta...I must have bought it by accident last year. I ripped it open, added it to the thin pasta noodles and finished preparing my most sensible, practical, thrifty and frugal meal.



I sat down with an ice cold Pepsi...popped in “Magnum Force”...and took a mouthful of my excellent spaghetti...OMG...WHAT A FUCKING MISTAKE! Now you might not believe this...but combining thin pasta with angel hair pasta produces a god awful texture in one’s mouth. It feels like there’s a human hair in every bite! It’s HORRIBLE! I WANTED TO SPIT IT OUT! Your mouth and tongue can feel the thin pasta noodles and that makes the angel hair pasta noodles feel like something from the bowels of Hair Hell! AND I’VE BEEN EATING THIS GRUEL SINCE LAST SUNDAY! FOR CRYING OUT FUCKING LOUD! A WHOLE POT!



I’ve also learned a lesson in pasta volume...in a boiling pot...pasta volume is very deceiving! I’ve eaten from my spaghetti stash for five days now...it doesn’t appear to have even made a dent! I still have a huge pot of the most icky feeling spaghetti I’ve ever felt! I cringe every time I chew some! IT’S FUCKING TERRIBLE! I won’t be able to eat spaghetti again for years!



I don’t know what I’m going to do...I can’t keep eating this crap! How long can spaghetti last in a refrigerator before it goes bad? Tomorrow will be day six of the spaghetti from Hell! It’s going to start rotting! It’s been six days....I can’t...I just can’t go on eating it...I’m going to have to throw it away...my hands are tied...I see no other way!



Now I get to feel wasteful...I get to be the spoiled American...*ponders*...HEY! IF ANY ONE OF YOU OTHER COUNTRIES WANTS THIS SPAGHETTI FROM HELL...I’LL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO SEND IT TO YOU! JUST LET ME KNOW...REAL SOON!

The Cougar
05:44 Mar 04 2010
Times Read: 1,010

I'd like to take my time here with you little demons to discuss Cougars...their speed...their strength...their agility...their fierce territorial boundaries...how when a tasty young piece of meat is dangle before their eyes those old ladies are as vicious as any animal walking the planet Earth! Have you ever seen The Cougar stalk and catch her prey? They are fast and loose! You young men should always keep a careful eye out, because even a fat Cougar is extremely quick when provoked! Don’t wiggle or dangle anything at them! Those Tigers in San Francisco have nothing on the North American Cougar.



Did you know the entertainment industry is making and going to air a show about Cougars? Yes yes yes...the show will follow a number of Cougars and their antics as they stalk about seducing young men. THANKS! THANKS MOVIE INDUSTRY! Like my chances of ever being laid again were great before...now they are going to make popular and chic’ NOT fucking old men! All of us men over 50 would just like to give you a GREAT BIG FUCKING THANK YOU!



What choice do we have now?! HUH?! Oh sure...there might be one young lady out of 100 thousand that might sleep with us...if she’s drunk enough...or if we have enough money...but...other than that...forget it! Oh...can we have The Cougar that wasn’t fast enough to catch her young prey? THANKS! Where’s the cool chic’ male equivalent to The Cougar? Oh yeah...I forgot...The Dirty Old Man! NICE!



Ya know...you ladies are just damn lucky that males are hardwired differently from you...every young male wants to know what it’s like to sleep with an older woman...it’s all they dream about...trust me...I was young once. I WAS!! And in view of that I find it extremely odd that The Young Cougar Miss is being chastised and prosecuted for making every young boys dream come true! I’m talking about that HOT Teacher that’s banging one of her teenage students! They’re all doing it these days...those lucky BASTARDS! Those teenagers stumbled and bumbled their way through the doors of Valhalla! They’re not emotionally scarred! Are you kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Those teenagers walk down the halls of their school like Gods! GODS! The other students sacrifice goats to them! Emotionally scarred? Get...the fuck...out...of...here!



I feel sorry for their fathers...Jesus Christ...you know in front of their wives they have to have a look of reproach and scorn. They have to be outraged by the crime perpetrated on their son...but I know damn well...when the wife turns her head...the father looks at his son and gives him the silent...~Oh yeah...nice~ with a quick thumbs up with slight head nod! OH YES HE DOES! What father wouldn’t be proud it was his son that banged the HOT Teacher? He brags about it down at the bar...“That was your son? WOW...NICE!“. In the old days fathers used to have to buy it for their teenage sons!



Well shit...I suppose even for a guy my age there’s a Cougar out there hunting...DOES THIS MEAN I’M GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE MY APARTMENT WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE?!