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5 entries this month
I See It happening…Something Like This12:42 Jun 20 2013
Times Read: 553
Brad…”Angie my darling…*pats couch*…please come sit…we need to talk.”
Angelina…”…*sits and stares*…”
Brad…”…*takes Angelina’s hand*…I want you to know how much I love you.”
Angelina…”…*sits and stares*…”
Brad…” We’ve had so many great times together and I want you to know you’re my best friend!”
Angelina…”…*sits and stares*…”
Brad…”…*sighs*…I love you with all my heart…but…I’m not…in love…with you anymore.”
Angelina…”…*sits and stares*…”
Brad…”I can’t explain it darling, it just seems that there’s something missing in our relationship now.”
Angelina…”…*Takes an ice pick and stabs Brad 54 times in each eye kicking off what will be the most famous celebrity murder trial in history. Brad’s reputation will be smeared and he will be portrayed as a woman beating monster. Angelina will be portrayed as suffering from post traumatic stress disorder and in general, heroic. She will be found not guilty by a jury of her peers that consists largely of lesbian biker chicks. At the murder trial’s conclusion, Barack Obama telephones his congratulations as well as Tweets.*
Wrists And Ankles12:37 Jun 17 2013
Times Read: 562
I watch the squirrel scamper across the courtyard, here at my apartments, after work this morning and an odd thought occurred to me. Does a squirrel have both wrists and ankles…or…does a squirrel have four ankles and no wrists?
Now…I’ve seen a squirrel hold objects in its front paws and such would lead one to believe that makes said paws, hands, and there for must be attached to wrists…BUT…squirrels also run like little mad bastards on those very same paws and that would make them feet…agreed, very ambidextrous feet…but if that is true…then…those paws are attached to ankles…meaning…a squirrel has four ankles and no wrists.
I’ve taken a few moments to examine my own wrists and ankles. They both, ankles and wrists, are able to rotate in a circular motion as well as in all four directions…being…side to side and up and down and I will add here that both seem to have the same range of said motion. Does this mean ankles and wrists are actually interchangeable? Does the appendage attached to them render such either ankles, or wrists?
What about a dog, or cat? I think we’d all agree they don’t have appendages that could be considered hands…well…alright…I concede…cats do seem to be able to grasp objects…BUT…like the squirrel, cats also run about like little mad bastards…SO…again like the squirrel, a cats front paws could be attached to ankles, which would make them feet. Dogs cannot grasp anything which can only mean they have four ankles…this is indisputable.
Hamsters would seem to be categorized the same as a cat, or squirrel…they too run like little mad bastards, but grasps objects.
I have to go work on “Noel In Starlight”.
I’ve Been Thinking A Great Deal About Dust15:58 Jun 16 2013
Times Read: 569
Once again I find myself sitting here (taking an ear break from “Noel In Starlight”) and I’m looking at my desk lamp…said lamp’s base has acquired…again…a smattering of dust. I know I’ve dusted this lamp before…not many times…but…at least occasionally…alright…I concede…occasionally may mean every six months or so…but the point is, I have dusted.
What has captured my attention is the dust itself…where did it come from? I’ve been knocking around this planet for almost 58 years and I have absolutely no idea what dust is, or from where it comes. I look about in the air and I see no dust…I’m pretty damn sure dust doesn’t leap up off the floor…surely dust must adhere to the laws of gravity…which by the way…must also mean dust doesn’t drop off the walls and/or ceiling and I sure as hell don’t purchase a package of dust at the grocery and then sprinkle it all about.
Now we’ve all heard the expression…”Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.”…and I take the word “Dust” in that expression to mean “Earth/Dirt”…I’m reasonably sure that’s indisputable. Now…”Ash”…I know how that comes about, such is burned material…but…I am willing to wager, no matter how much dust I could acquire, I cannot make a “Dust Pie” by adding water. One can make a “Mud Pie” by adding water to dirt, we all know this as fact…so there for…dust cannot be dirt by failure of the “Pie” equation…savvy?
So…what is dust and where the hell does it come from?! If I lay motionless for 6 months, would I be covered by dust at the end of said 6 months? I’m rambling…to the point.
Everyone knows while it’s snowing, one does not take on the task of shoveling a walk or driveway. This action would be futile, the continued snowing would only re-coat what one had cleared prior. One waits until the snow has subsided and then has at it…shovels…yes I know…some are snow illiterate, but trust me…this is a widely accepted and observed rule.
So…why do I dust if it’s only going to keep dusting?!
There Is Nothing Worse Than Cleaning A Toilet12:44 Jun 15 2013
Times Read: 586
I’ve quietly sat and pondered for the last half hour…you see…I broke down those 20 empty Pepsi cases and even more alarming, I cleaned my bathroom. I honestly don’t know how some make this a daily, or an almost daily chore…it’s disgusting…I absolutely understand my aversion to this activity (if only that last pesky light bulb would burn out I wouldn’t have to see).
And the worst is cleaning the toilet…*shudders*…I feel so sorry for the toilet brush as I stick it in. I can imagine its blood curdling silent screams as it enters the blue water holding its bristle breath and the thought of said traumatized brush in its holder under the sink, after…still wet…well…I can still hear it sobbing. Not only that…I mean…how clean can it be? Sure…sure…I flushed with new water four times over it…but…I wouldn’t lick it! Is there some “Toilet Brush Protocol” that has never come to my attention? Perhaps spray it with some type of “Industrial Bristle Cleaner? Bubble it? Of course…then…where would I rinse it off?! Such would only serve to further contaminate my abode. That poor brush.
So now, after a period of letting my scrubbing bubble shock subside, as I sit here feeling dirty…it’s funny… after cleaning the toilet… after I scrub myself pink in the shower (which was also cleaned), I still feel dirty. I can feel a billion toilet microbes crawling all over me…*scratch scratch*…running up and down my arms…*swipe swipe*…over the back of my neck…*shake shake*. OMG…I just realized…I laundered my bed sheets!
OH NO! Now today when I go slumber, I’ll be laying down on freshly laundered bed sheets with a billion toilet microbes crawling all over me! JUST GREAT! This makes my societal correct laundering moot! ALL FOR NOTHING! NOTHING! I won’t be able to enjoy the Tide fresh scent! I’ll know as I lay there I’m contaminating my 1600 count Egyptian black sheets! I’ll hear the toilet microbes giggling as they run amok…running and hiding under the pillows. DAMNIT!
Oh society…why…WHY…do I let you judge me?! I should have took a nap instead!
There is nothing worse than cleaning a toilet!
They’re Back18:32 Jun 07 2013
Times Read: 603
HEY! I did pretty well for a few years! I DID! Almost religiously…almost…I mean…alright…there could be a few weeks of slothliness…BUT…I made sure I eventually took care of business! I DID! Break ‘em down break ‘em down break ‘em down…over and over and over and over!
I don’t know what happened…alright…that’s a lie…I do know. Procrastination…I always had a logical reason…every time I managed to convince myself that the next time…THE NEXT TIME…there would be no fooling around. And I wasn’t lying to myself…not really…at the time I honestly thought I was telling myself the truth and if one can’t trust themselves…who can they trust?! Do you understand?
And it’s not like trouble was being courted…it’s not like the end of the world was being conjured…such a small thing really…in the big scheme of things it’s actually inconsequential. HA! You see?! Do you?! This is just the sort of logical thinking that has allowed my current predicament. Goddamnit…THEY’RE BACK!
I bet I have two dozen empty Pepsi cases stacked in my kitchen and not only that, I think there’s an empty case still in the refrigerator…oh hell…wait…alright…one case still has three delicious ice cold Pepsis in it…so…that doesn’t count…yet…as an empty…so…yes…one empty Pepsi case still awaiting rotation out onto the pile…a pile that’s not even supposed to be there…damnit.
Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take me to break down all those Pepsi cases?! Oh man…why…WHY…can’t I be a responsible adult?! You empty a Pepsi case…you break it down! How long can that take? Fifteen seconds? Less?! Jesus!
Now it’s reached the level of being an actual…“Chore”…like sweeping…or mopping and YES I’m getting to those! OMG…the numbing tedious boredom! The worst part of this is they’re empty…they’re merely cardboard…it’s not like they’re attracting ants…it’s not like mold is growing on them…they’re almost no different from the tile on the floor! I’m not going to rip up the goddamn floor! It’s all just molecules…atoms…protons…electrons…and when one gets right down to the fact that atoms are only 10% mass which mean 90% of atoms are empty space…why…it’s practically like those Pepsi cases are not even there! 90% of those Pepsi cases are empty space! Why should I spend perfectly good nap time breaking down empty space?! That’s insane! Only a crazy person would do that!
I feel better.
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