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It was two years ago, to the day, that I was standing naked in my bathroom…which by the way, is one of the two most preferred rooms for nudity, according to polls. I’m not at all sure the reason for my nudity…perhaps a shower…perhaps I had just woke…perhaps I was merely feeling wild and free…but in any event…there stood I…unsuspecting…ignorant to the possibilities of such a vulnerable state.

I coughed…there was no straining of any kind...the cough wasn’t of the dedicated smoker variety…I wasn’t red faced and hacking up a lung. This was a tiny simple every day small clearing of the throat cough…a “Ahem” really...it wasn’t even deserving of a covering fist over my mouth and the cough wasn’t a multiple…it was a single…again small…“Ahem”.

Do you understand? On the “Universal Cough Scale”…that being 1 to 10 with 1 being the least and 10 being the worst…I would estimate this cough would be rated at a…-1. It’s almost embarrassing to even call this single cough…a cough. If what ensued after hadn’t happened, I might not have noticed I coughed at all…it was minuscule…an “Ahem”...absolutely forgettable…cough.

That’s when the Alien tried to escape from my abdomen…that’s exactly what it looked like. We all remember the scenes from the “Alien” movies when the creatures start to burst from the hosts’ bodies…that first push that stretches out the flesh…the creatures head poking upward.

Cough…~BLOOP~.

A number of thoughts and feelings went through my mind as I gazed down at the, easily golf ball sized, protuberance. First was disbelief of what I was seeing…I mean…it’s not every day an interior organ tries to escape from my body. Then came the “Alien” connection and I chortled. Then my mind snapped back to the seriousness of the situation and I scanned my extensive mental folk remedies and came up with nothing…no mental files on extruded intestines. Then I realized I had no pants that would accommodate extruded intestines. Then apprehension and revulsion engulfed me, knowing what I was about to do. All that went through my mind in a time span of, roughly, 2 seconds.

What did I do?!

I pushed the goddamn thing back in! I held my palm hard against my abdomen, waiting to see if pain of some sort was forthcoming. I stood still…nothing was pushing back against my palm, but knowing how little was required to start this incident...I mean, it wasn't like I was lifting a car off a family member...I was fearful to take my palm away.

See…this is one of the moments when it sucks to be alone because there was no one I could call out to for aid…”HONEYBUNNY! MY INTESTINE IS POKING OUT!”…anyway…

Eventually…slowly…like unbuttoning a woman’s blouse…I took my hand away. There was no pain and no protuberance poking out. My abdomen was flat…flat abdomens are good. I rocked and shook my hips first slowly and then with growing confidence vigorously…I jumped up and down…nothing.

I’M GOOD!