The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

It was a frosty and cold winter morning and I had taken my automobile into the shop for repair…something about the heater ram lifter clutch had rusted beyond adjustment and a new one would be required. It would be hours before they could obtain said part and additional time to install…so…seeing how this was merely days before Christmas, they were kind enough to drive me home and then upon completion of the repair, would telephone and then retrieve me.

As I waited I busied myself with festive decorating…hanging twinkling blinking lights around my flat screen, trimming the stove with garland…you know…one of the old tried and true Christmas schemes.

I was beginning to hang mistletoe in the bathroom when I suddenly remembered! Neva Johnson, a friend of mine from Columbus, your “Sweet Tooth Specialist”, had sent me a batch of bona fide “Chocolate Chip Cookies”…not “Hazelnut Cookies With Chocolate Chips”…not “Coconut Cookies With Chocolate Chips”…but honest to God…REAL…“Chocolate Chip Cookies”! Ohhhh Ho Ho Hooooo!

Well…forty five seconds in the old Holiday Microwave and I had ooey gooey chewy hot “Chocolate Chip Cookies” to enjoy with a tall glass of milk! As I sat at my kitchen table, in Chocolate Chip Cookie Heaven, the Repair Shoppe’ telephoned to inform me my vehicle was finished and they would come collect me immediately.

I decided I had at least five minutes before their arrival, so another “Chocolate Chip Cookie” round was sent through the Holiday Microwave and I refreshed my milk. I kept watch through my kitchen window for the Repair Shoppe’ driver as I greedily gobbled gooey goodness. Upon the driver’s arrival I popped the last bit of “Chocolate Chip Cookie” into my mouth and bolted out the kitchen door.

The driver sported a huge smile as I shut the car door (odd I thought)…”Merry Christmas!” I said…”Merry Christmas!” he shot back. (Was this Christmas Spirit? A smile? Odd…damn odd)

I walked into the Repair Shoppe’ and straight up to the manager to settle my bill and he looks at me with a huge smile on his face! (More Christmas Spirit? What the hell was going on?!). “Merry Christmas!” I said…”Merry Christmas!” he shot back. I looked at two mechanics standing off to the side, they too were smiling…”Merry Christmas!” I said…”Merry Christmas!” they shot back. (Are people really this good willed and friendly? IS THIS CHRISTMAS SPIRIT?!) I paid my bill and drove away in wonder.

I needed to do some additional Christmas shopping and it was the same everywhere I went! Cashiers…managers…floor help…smile after smile after smile after smile! Merry Christmases were flying all over the goddamn place! “Merry Christmas!”… “Merry Christmas!”… “Merry Christmas!”.

Have I been wrong all these years?! Wrong?! How could I have been so cynical about my fellow man? People really do have good souls! People are not mostly complete bastards…they’re filled with goodwill and light! I’VE SEEN IT! This was nothing short of a Christmas Miracle! MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! I was over come with a feeling of Yuletide Joy!

Upon arriving home with my treasures, a Christmas rest room break was in order, which I promptly indulged. As I washed my hands in the sink, full of “The Christmas Spirit” from my morning encounters, I looked up and into the bathroom mirror and that’s when I saw…the ooey gooey chocolate chip smear that ran all the way across my chin…

They call me every morning…without fail…I’m trying to spend a few frustrating relaxing hours mixing and experimenting when I will hear an odd sound…I will rock my head to the side like a confused dog and listen intently…I will listen some more…and then I will realize it’s the telephone ringing…

See…although my massive rational mind tells me it’s just a bullshit call of little, or no importance, a little voice will always whisper…~What if it’s important? What if this one time it is super critical you answer?!~…~Someone could have died or been in some kind of horrible disfiguring accident!~…~Go answer the telephone you fool!?~…so I take off my headphones and walk to the living room to answer the damn telephone.

My suspicions are confirmed when I look at the caller ID…for the umpteenth (good word…umpteenth) time this organization is calling me and know…this organization (s) I have told a hundred times to stop calling me and many times in the most unpleasant way. I have to admit, I do smile when they say…”You can’t talk to me that way!”…which will only get them more colorful pepperings before I hang up.

So…seeing how this has not been a deterrent, since they continue to hassle me daily, I have launched a new campaign…one fitting for the festive season. The first to be bestowed this Christmas response was…believe it or not…an “Affordable Healthcare Exchange” solicitation this morning…Oh ho ho hooo.

Here’s “My New Christmas Thing”…

I pick up the receiver and then bang out a “Christmas Carrol” on the desk…this morning I selected the old favorite… “Jingle Bells”…

BANG BANG BANG…BANG BANG BANG…BANG BANG BAAANG BANG BANG! BANG BANG BANG…BA BANG BANG BANG…BA BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG…BANG!
BANG BANG BANG BANG BAAAANG…BA BA BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG…BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG…BANG BANG BANG BANG BAAAAANG… BANG BANG BANG BANG BAAAANG…BA BA BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG…BANG BANG BANG BA BANG BANG BANG BA BANG BANG BANG BA BANG!
BANG BANG BANG…BANG BANG BANG…BANG BANG BAAANG BANG BANG! BANG BANG BANG…BA BANG BANG BANG…BA BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG…BANG!

You can’t do that on a cellphone! I can't wait to do “The Twelve Days of Christmas”...

COMMENTS

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CuRsEdToDaRkNeSs
00:05 Dec 03 2021

LMAO!

When the stupid extended warranty calls come through and they ask me my vehicle type I either say... 1. "You called ME about my warranty, you should have that information." To which they hang up. 2. I have a 1980 Ford Pinto, to which they ask if I have a newer car and I say no... which leads to a hang up..... OR if they catch me on a really bad day... I'm likely to scream obscenities at them with a VERY loud voice.

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MeanMeanMrTu
06:41 Dec 03 2021

Lol!

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