The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I had a 401(k) meeting at 6 am Friday morning…that’s after my midnight shift…after a whole night of heat and torches and boredom…that’s after I was already…ready… to kill someone.



My company had given we employees a rare Saturday off…but…they had to find some way…some way…to cut into my personal time…if only for an hour or so. So…I had a “Mandatory” 401(k) meeting that would cut into said personal time. God…I hate that word…”Mandatory”…when I hear…or read…that word…my whole body becomes ridged…my mind screams at me…*OH YEAH? MANDATORY? I’LL SHOW YOU WHO FUCKING GUIDES THIS STARSHIP!*…and that’s coupled with the image of an old grizzled bucking and kicking mule. Yes...this spontaneous reaction has gotten me into a lot of trouble over the course of my life…but I digress.



There I sat at a conference table…all my forms and booklet neatly stacked in front of me…*Jesus Christ that booklet looks awfully thick…surely we’re not going to go through that whole fucking thing?!*…~Looks at clock~…and at the head of the table sat Johnny Banker (Note to Johnny Banker: Start subscribing to GQ.)



Now…I know something Johnny Banker…whom from here on will be referred to as JB…does not know! And that is the fact that I’m going to die operating a machine…a torch will be burning into my flesh (I hope it’s not my face…let it be an arm…a leg…something like that…please.)…for at least ten minutes…before it becomes apparent I’m not clowning around! There’s no retirement…there’s no “Castle In The Clouds” for yours truly…I was going to be a rich and famous “Rock Star” goddamnit! Supple flexible chicklets were going to be laying at my feet! I was going to be lighting my cigarettes with 100 dollar bills! Yeah I know! SWEET! What did I need…over the course of 54 years…a 401(k) retirement plan for?! Well…my “Master Plan” didn’t quite pan out…so hence…the last thing these eyes might see…may be a bolt…or…perhaps the concrete floor…lovely. I’m digressing again.



JB launches into his pitch…he holds up that booklet and says…”Let’s turn to page one.”…*OH MY GOD…we ARE going to go through the whole fukcing thing!*…~Looks at clock~…and then he asks the mandatorally coerced throng…”What is a 401(k) plan?”…*Oh no…no…dear God…please…no*.



In a situation such as this my mind slams into “Protective Mode”…words become noise…all I could hear after that was…”Buzz buzz buzz…buzz buzz …buzz buzz buzz.”. Sure…sure…every now and again…over the course of the next hour and fifteen fucking minutes…~Looks at clock~…an actual word would slip through my minds imagery of heavenly female breasts…an actual word would stealthily sneak through my defense and I would hear…”Buzz buzz Stocks…buzz buzz buzz Mutual Funds…buzz buzz buzz buzz Chart…buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz Rollie Coaster.”. WAIT!



In a flash Jennifer Anistons breasts vanished from my mind! I looked up and across the table at a fellow prisoner…our eyes locked and we telepathically exchanged…*Did JB just say “Rollie Coaster? Rollie?!*.



My Corpus Callosum became super charged! HOT…processing…processing…HOT…accents…ACCENTS…”Rollie”?! The South and East…”Rahllah Cahstah”…the Far North…”Rehlleh Cehsteh”…French…”Le Rollaire’ Coastaire’”…German…”Ze Rolleeeer Coasteeer”…no…NO…this was not accent related! I thought perhaps I was mistaken…even with my fellow prisoners confirmation…that I had heard JB wrong…I listened closely now.



JB says…”You can see the chart on page 876…~Looks at clock~…how over the course of twenty years the dividends rise and fall…the chart looks just like a Rollie Coaster.”.



HE SAID IT AGAIN! ROLLIE COASTER! ROLLIE!! My Corpus Callosum made one final pass…NO! COME ON! THIS IS BULLSHIT! He said “Coaster”…ERRRR…ERRRR…COASTERRR! “Roller” is the same goddamn thing…ERRRR…ERRRR…ROLLERRRR! If he was being honest with…~Looks at clock~…“Rollie” he would say...Rollie Coastie”!! HE CAN SAY ERRRRR GODDAMNIT!! WTF?!



JB says…”Again you can see the chart on page 1312 is just like a…*Don’t say it.*…Rollie Coaster.”. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HAVE…A…STROKE! OMG! ROLLER! ROLLER! ROLLER!



He must have said…”Rollie Coaster”…a thousand times! A THOUSAND TIMES! And each time my agitation grew! I need a cigarette! I NEED A GODDAMN CIGARETTE! I wanted to vault from my seat…put my nose to his and spitally scream…ROLLER ROLLER ROLLER! SAY FUCKING ROLLER! SAY IT!! STOP TRYING TO BE CUTE! I AM ON TO YOU!! STOP IT! SAY ROLLER! ER! ER! ER! ROLLER! ROLLER! ROLLER! ROLLER COASTER! It was all I could do…~Looks at clock~…to stay anchored in my seat.



Thankfully the presentation finally ended…*ROLLIE MY ASS!*…and it was time to fill out the paper work…that was mandatory as well…even if one wasn’t enrolling in the plan. You see…the company invests a small amount in each individual plan…even if the individual doesn’t…so…they need one’s signature.



The guy beside me looked as 401(k) fucked as I…so…I check marked everything he did…it was like being in High School again!



Oh…if there was a bright side to this ordeal it was the fact that I did have my son’s Social Security Number with me…THANK GOD…or this whole fiasco would have bled even further into my weekend! Yes Dustin…you are the Primary Beneficiary of my 401(k) Plan…but son…as much as I love you…I wouldn’t quit my job just yet…if I were you!

COMMENTS

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Joli
22:24 Aug 28 2011

You need a column...or an Andy Rooney-esque curmudgeon segment on television. You are my favorite "That really grinds my gears" guy!

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MeanMeanMrTu
01:16 Aug 29 2011

Awwwwwww thank you Joli!

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I am going to let you…dear reader…procure a sneak peek into my/our personal prowess with online dating. A behind the scenes look of technique...seducing…coaxing…tempting and luring a potential mate. Let us travel down my/our online “Highway of Amour”!



Let us begin…when I happen upon a photograph of a woman that makes me think…*God…I want to kiss her nipples.*…I scroll straight down to “Send Message”. What? Read their profile? Why? They all say the same tired Walt F. Disney thing…walks on a rainy beach…red wine…independent…sharing…loves to laugh…blah…blah…blah and blah. What? No…it doesn’t matter where in the world they are…nipples know no sovereignty and actually it works better for them not to be from your city. So…again…I immediately scroll down to “Send Message”…I click “Send Message” with mouse love…then in the “Subject” line I type…



“I have given this considerable thought…”



See…this is beautiful because it’s a cliff hanger…a woman’s mind is going to have to know…HAVE…TO…KNOW…what it is that you’ve given “Considerable” thought to! This is eons better than a simple “Hello”…women receive thousands of “Hellos” and I’m sure those get “The Big Delete”! Tweak their curiosity…tease those bodacious babes. This header…or one like it…will assure your “Message of Love” will be read! Knowing this…*points to head*…in the message window…I type the following…



“…over the last few minutes…you move here to Fremont…we fall madly in love…we get matching tattoos of your choice…we knock over a few Brinks trucks…perhaps a Savings And Loan over the weekend…we fly to Istanbul where we pose…wear really dark sunglasses and smoke really skinny cigarettes…we live happily ever after for about 20 years…we blow all our cash in Monaco…so…we come back and knock over a third Brinks truck where I die in a hail of bullets…you…of course…escape in disguise…then you move back to…[insert city name]…and spend the rest of our new loot on hot young cabana boys and champagne…you know…to get you over the loss of loosing me…you come back to Fremont once a year…again in disguise…after all…they are still looking for The Mysterious Moll (that’s you)…to place roses at my by then famous grave. I’m telling you this plan is solid! I don’t see a flaw! What do you think?”.



Then I finish by typing…”Your Big Mac Daddy”…and send this photograph…









JESUS CHRIST! IT HAS EVERYTHING!!



1. I give her adventure by her moving here to

Fremont.

2. I showcase my giving nature by letting her choose the tattoo.

3. I give her a little danger with the heists.

4. I imply sophistication with “Istanbul”…”Dark Sunglasses”…”Skinny Cigarettes” and “Monaco”.

5. I die so she can be financially secure.

6. I give her mystery fashion and excitement with her “Disguises”.

7. I give her “Sweet Poetic Sorrow” with placing roses on my grave.

8. I give her permission to cheat on my memory.

9. She gets to be a “Moll”.

10. AND…IT…IS…FUNNY!



Now…I know what you’re thinking…”You guys must have babes coming out your ass!”…well…no! NO! We receive snarky little comments…such as…”kinda funny…grow up.”…”thank you…take care”…”we’re not a match…take care”…(And for those of you that don’t know…”take care” in online speak means…PISS OFF!)…and one really mean spirited reply…”PERFECT!” (remember I die…*bitch*). Notice as well the fact they are too lazy to even capitalize the beginning of their reply! Well…except for that mean spirited…lady.



I don’t understand…I thought you ladies wanted to laugh? You say you do! LAUGH? YUK IT UP?! I’m telling you this plan is solid! I don’t see a flaw! What do you think?

COMMENTS

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Joli
03:27 Aug 05 2011

It's not just funny; it's witty. The pretty girls you're aiming for probably need you to text your humor in under 250 characters. I'm betting they're on commercial break by "skinny cigarettes."



I'd have loved a message like this. One of my favorites here was when I typed back a response to a young man a few years ago. I was attempting to portray a thoughtful pause and I began with the admittedly lame, *Looks out the window a while, licks the tip of her pen and then writes...* Not even sure what else I wrote, but it was long and unflirty. He wrote back, "I'm sorry, but you lost me after *licks the tip*. We're STILL friends :)

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MeanMeanMrTu
06:21 Aug 05 2011

Ahhhhh ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa! Thanks...now I'm horny!

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Sulks
09:32 Aug 05 2011

Hahaha!



great nipples AND sense of humour maybe aren't qualities often found together?

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ThothLestat
18:22 Aug 05 2011

It can't not work!

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MeanMeanMrTu
12:11 Aug 09 2011

That's what I thought Mr. Thotherson.

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Nedra
17:32 Aug 10 2011

You need to find better dating sites......and screw anyone that this would not work on. I say it is a good way to weed out the undesirables...

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MeanMeanMrTu
21:16 Aug 10 2011

Thank you Nedra...you're such a sweetheart!

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Joli
22:47 Aug 11 2011

Holy crap, Mr. Tu! I think I've figured out the problem. We've been looking at it all wrong! It isn't what you SAY that is the trouble...that's, as you called it, flawless. It's the image you accompany it with. They don't realize you're the hot little Cupid. You've confused the field! They think you're the effeminate guy climbing out of bed with the roofied chick. What man includes a pic of himself with another man in the image? That's all it is, Mr. Tu...a simple marketing boo boo! :)

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MeanMeanMrTu
23:07 Aug 11 2011

EGAD! I over estimated the omni-directional thinking of my female prey!! YOU'RE RIGHT! I assumed they would understand yours truly represented BOTH males! The BRINGER of LOVE and the LOVER HIMSELF! *knocks head*...Well...I'll just put my face on the other chap too! THANK YOU MISS JOLI! THE MARKETING...THE FUCKING MARKETING!!!! *whew*...Now I can relax!

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