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I know what I am deep inside, and it's not how I try to be with people. The things I think and dream and want at night aren't the things I want in the daytime. The things I desire, cherish and fear are like liquid whispers; transparent yet invisible... fortunately.

Sometimes it really surprises me - how many emotions and things can be felt and happen in one single day.



Yesterday for example, I woke up feeling really happy and by midday was really enthusiastic and bubbly. I had one of my mad shopping bashes and then a 'modelling' session in my room (I love those :)).



Unfortunately the day ended really badly. I almost had a fight with my best friend and stalked off the bar we were in in a huff. To make matters worse I continued drinking elsewhere and then ended up working it off dancing (as usual). My friend came after me after a bit and we sort of patched it up. Anyway, there was an ex friend of ours right in front of me so I had a nice time 'performing' in order to see her get mad. Now, I admit that was fun. :) However some time before I left the drink seemed to catch up with me and things grew sort of hazy for a while... my friend tells me I danced like I was possessed or something...



Anyway, the worst was still to come. As usual, me and me luck. I always seem to meet Malta`s choiciest perverts in vans. I use a private company van for transport usually, and things always happen which make me wonder if I`m living on the right world.



Honestly, I don`t know which one was worse... there was the time a fiftyish guy stuck to me like a limpet and came around after me for an hour after we left the damn van (at least I got a free meal out of that one... don`t ask), the time when three sixteen year old guys asked me for a lesson in sex (now THAT was unbelievable... looong story), the time when the driver stopped the car in a deserted street and tried to feel me up (that was FRIGHTENING)... and many others. Last night I got in a van full of hyper teenage males... I heard things I`d never heard before (afterwards my ears needed a BIG wash)... and comments I`d never received before (and that is saying something I admit). Naturally the one thirty-eight year old guy on the van hit heavily on me... I actually ended up with what looked like tiny white chewing gums in my hand (chewing gum... yeah right)... *shudders*.



Anyway, to cut a long story short... NEVER accept sweets from strangers!

Beneath the voices around us, behind the blightening sunlight and the indifferent eyes, there is a place of shadow and mist. Of silence and empty purity. Of resonance and clarity. It is a place which is always there. Which was always there. Which will always be there. Somewhere we always knew existed, at the periphery of our vision. A half-scented perfume. An almost forgotten memory. A faded dream.



We try to ignore it. Try to pretend that it`s not there. Try to throttle it and drown it in useless everyday trivialities. But it`s all for naught.



It calls to us. Ever present. Ever watchful.



The Darkside.



Waiting for us to enter it.



Waiting for it to enter us.

I have finally found her. My muse. My inspiration. My Mistress in the arts of pretending.



It is SHE; the Marquise de Mertreuil from 'Dangerous Liaisons'. Just read this...



'When I came out into society I was 15. I already knew then that the role I was condemned to, namely to keep quiet and do what I was told, gave me the perfect opportunity to listen and observe. Not to what people told me, which naturally was of no interest to me, but to whatever it was they were trying to hide. I practiced detachment. I learned how to look cheerful while under the table I stuck a fork onto the back of my hand. I became a virtuoso of deceit. I consulted the strictest moralists to learn how to appear, philosophers to find out what to think, and novelists to see what I could get away with, and in the end it all came down to one wonderfully simple principle: win or die.'

You definitely know you are weird when you are in a roomful of people, all of them having fun... and the creature you mostly relate to is an enormous grey fish floating around in a large vat of cloudy water...

Damn, here I am listening to crappy songs from Alley McBeal... it`s been a long time since I was in this fucked up state.



As the songs I listen to usually reflect my mood and vice versa... I know I am in VERY big trouble.



I only hope I don`t do anything stupid.

Gods I can`t stand it anymore. I`m really sick and tired of all this story. It`s been going on since the middle of January and I A M F E D U P.



The crying, screaming, screeching, calling of names... all of it.



He called this morning. My uncle. He was surprised that it was ME who had answered the phone. I knew what they were saying against me. And he knew that I knew. He knew what we were saying against them. And I knew that he knew. Yet, we both made believe as if nothing was the matter. I even joked with the hypocrite! I thought that at least HE of all of them wouldn`t say anything against me! Not him! I never said anything against him and we always had a very good relationship!



That is, until tonight!



Goddess! I never knew he would say those things... things which, I now realize, he had been thinking all along. Is that how he saw me? A person I loved and respected above so many others?!! It takes a lot for me to love someone. It takes even more for me to actually RESPECT someone... and now this!



I had often said this, and now perhaps I`m starting to believe it. No one deserves my whole love. Much least my respect.



I am tired of hearing my mother muffling her tears in the next room. Tired of shouting insults in hospitals. Tired of feeling so damn worthless.



The problem is, I don`t know what I can do about it.

Well honestly, is it me or are people getting more and more irritating lately?



A couple of years ago I used to think everyone in general was really stand-offish and snobbish... as of this summer I began to perceive everyone else as overly friendly and chummy all of a sudden... :-0



What the hell? Is it me who am suddenly attracting people (and these are the same individuals not new people) or have I just become more snobbish than everyone else so that I`m seeing them as friendly next to me?



I have no idea.



And really, I don`t care.

Finally I`m back on! Yay. I`ve been absent for a week and damn but I really missed the rave. I even signed up on VF. But it isn`t even worthy of polishing VR`s boots.



So, for those who are reading this, I accidentally deleted all of my messages by mistake before actually reading even half of them, so if you messaged me and didn`t get a reply, try again.



Currently I`m really ill, but coping :( sort of.



*shudders* I hate fever... makes me say awful things which I actually mean to people I`m never honest with. Gods! Tomorrow I start working again (I was on sick leave for 3 days)... and I really hope that phase has passed.

Lately life seems to be running, running, running around me. Or is it me who is always on the move? It`s like when you`re sitting in a stationary bus; you don`t know if the bus is moving or if everything else is.



The worst is that I feel as if I am leaving pieces of me behind. I cannot say what exactly. Only that the emptiness these missing pieces leave resonates inside me with missing warmth.



Something which should be there, but isn`t.



Perhaps, in the end, the memory of dead leaves is all that will remain of me.