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This week was one of the worst this year... and I`ve had some really awful times... like the night when I thought I wouldn`t have a home to return to in the morning for example, or the night passed crying in someone`s car with the rain pounding outside... or the nights hearing people moaning and begging God to kill them at 4am at a shitty hospital... but anyway, it was one of the worst all the same.



And I cannot say that the weekend made up for the days before it, because if anything, it made everything seem worse! SHIT! And no I`m not going into more detail.



Anyway, before it starts all over again on Thursday (because I have issues which I definitely want to clear up with a certain asshole who definitely HAS IT COMING), I`m going for one of my solo excursions tomorrow... perhaps I`ll calm down a bit.



Goddess knows I need it.

What is life for? Why are we here? It is just so bloody pointless. Everything`s just stupid... we strive and strive towards something... all the time... and what for? Money? Happiness? Love?



Money is relative, hapiness is evanescent and love doesn`t exist. So, what is left?



Why go on?



Ahhh Goddess, did Hamlet have it right after all? No, he was simply thinking of killing himself... to live or not to live... MY question is that ever redunatant WHY should I live? What FOR?



Carried by the current and beaten down by circumstances. I am so fed up. Of everything.



What wouldn`t I give to be somone else... some common slut unaware of the pointlessness of existence... but I guess this is the price I have to pay for being a bloody thinker like me. Not that it shows of course. I look as dumb as a scarecrow... ah but then, that`s the idea behind the Masquerade... people see what they expect to see :)



And when I look into a mirror, what do I see? Oh mirror mirror on the wall... JUST CRACK and be done with it! There IS a reason why I always loved 'The Lady of Shalott' I guess... like her, I always knew I was cursed.



This sounds pathetic and melodramatic... oh well, what is this journal for if not to unburden myself? Or try to...

It seems Wednesday morning I`ll have the exam... and Wednesday evening I`ll know the result! The hours in between will be hell. Total self-torture.... and NOT the kind I like!



I allready know I`ll smoke a packet of cigarettes and eat loads of pastries and chocs, just to try and calm my nerves... then I`ll feel sorry later. Oh damn! I`d better stop dithering and go study some more!



Anyway, it seems there are a number of people who want to meet me this week and the next :) Looks like my disappearance this past week hasn`t gone unnoticed. So, I`ll be out Thursday evening, Friday evening, Saturday evening, Sunday all day... and next week I have a weekend break at a 5 star Hotel! Wheee! GO GO ME!



But first... *sigh*... it seems there is hell to cross over before I arrive to my heaven...



Plus I also have a certain plan to try out which I`ll start to work on from Thursday :-P



Ok, I`m really off now. No more breaks... um... yeah right...

The BIG DAY is approaching. I`m sorry to say I`ve been so damn busy lately I haven`t studied as much as I should have. Lol, yesterday I had real fun too (and silenced the voice nagging in my head completely)... ummm perhaps I`ll talk about yesterday after the exams...



Anyway, THIS weekend I`ve gotta make up for it cause I AM TERRIFIED, and I HAVE GOTTA PASS... PERIOD.





Small note for NFA; Sweetheart, I saw that you passed by my journal before you left for London. I am sorry not to have been here to wish you a last farewell. I love you and I hope all goes well, but I`m sure it will, and that she will be crazy about you :) *HUGS* I allready miss you terribly and I hope that we`ll both be online soon. *Tickels her SL and blows a kiss*.

My obsessions seem to be multiplying instead of diminishing! Talk about totally sick people. Here are some things I`m currently obsessed with:



1) Oscar Wilde`s 'The Picture of Dorian Grey'... AGAIN... I swear I read it 8 times in two months... I honestly can`t choose between Dorian and Sir Henry... both of them are so deliciously decadent!



2) London After Midnight (NME this is entirely YOUR FAULT)



3) Exams... ok that`s a bit obvious



4) VR (another obvious one)



5) London (yes, I mean the city... Camden Town in particular... this is getting really maddening)



6) Corsets (I`m currently on the lookout for the PERFECT WAIST CINCHER)



7) Shoes... this is scary cause I hate being a stereotype and each time I go shopping I feel like one of those schizzo females with nothing between their ears... *ahhh two days ago I bought my first pair of RED STILETTOS!!! OH GLORY!!!*



Ummm I think I`d better stop... these are the ones which come to mind right now... and they are just my 'temporary' fixations... I won`t even MENTION my permanent ones...



Hehe... I`d better leave VR and get to bed... perhaps I`ll dream about... um... no I`m not going to mention that... *giggles* It seems to be a permanent obsession, so it doesn`t come in here.



Fortunately.

SHE`S BACK! ALERT!!!



It`s HER: the nerd, the bookworm, the bitch, the slavedriver!!!



Who I am talking about? Don`t worry, it`s only another one of my psychotic personas. THIS one only comes out when I have exams. Thank all the Gods cause she scares the hell out of me. Anyway, as of tomorrow I`m in total hybernation. NOTHING and NO ONE will dissuade me from my goal. I MUST PASS THIS DAMN EXAM OR DIE TRYING!



So, in other words, goodbye VR. You have been a wonderful friend and companion. You have amused me, taught me, and assuaged my lonliness (sometimes), but I have to leave you now. At least for a while.



Don`t worry however, I WILL BE BACK WITH A VENGEANCE!!! And soooooon!!! Exams will be over on the 21st of June... and results will be out by the 26th for sure. So, if I pass, I`ll resurface from the void by the 26th... if I don`t.... I don`t know, that`s another story. One I do not want to think about.



Anyway, as a note to all those who have no way of contacting me outside VR - don`t worry, I`m still here somewhere... just invisible to the human eye... um... come to think of it, that`s not so unusual :)



Tata