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Cold and alone we wonder. Amidst dark thoughts and cloudy skies. Trailing misery and tempting death to come embrace us in all its beautiful fury. Loneliness being our only companion through this cold pointless journey. Sometimes I feel a breath on my neck and I turn, hoping to perceive another entity resembling mine. Yet the same thing always encounters my gaze when I turn my eyes back.
Nothingness.
The shadow at my shoulder whispers in my ear. Tales of sadness. Tales of woe. I close my eyes and still my tongue, trying not to spill forth anguished cries of distorted dreams.
Frozen laments are etched into my skin. A whisper of a memory. It hurts so much. This quivering flesh encasing such a fluttering heart. The ice pushes my fire back. Always back. Trying to estinguish it forever. Flames cannot thrive in such an arid world where only the void permeates the heavy air.
Prodded on by forced reason and a storm of events I go on. Unseeing.
Ok here`s something I haven`t ever told anyone (not that there`s anything to hide, it`s just that most people are not interested) I go totally BONKERS for EGA and GLA. Absolutely. The actual Japanese item not imitations. Which is really weird, considering that I have never even actually heard anything by Malice Mizers. But I really ADORE Klaha!
I doubt there is anything more beautiful than Moi-Meme-Moitie when it comes to Gothic Dress.
It seems I have less time than I had thought. I received an invitation to attend the exam in Brussels in a couple of months last week. I am not sure I want to re-try it. I guess I`m afraid of failing. Again. I was thinking it through slowly as the confirmation is not due for another month yet, however today I realized that if I want to buy an airline ticket I`d better do it as quickly as possible, else it will just be too expensive. As it is, it`s allready as expensive as hell. Most likely I`ll spend two weeks` wages just for three days. I do not know about accomodations yet.
Damn waste of time. I know I am not going to pass anyway. The problem is that if I don`t at least try, I know I`ll harangue myself to death about it. Bloody conscience.
Anyway, better to try and fail then never to try at all.
I don`t know what came over me last night and this morning. My limbs felt really heavy and my mind just refused to function. I had to take the day off from work in order to stay in bed and sleep it off. Now I am much better. I hope. I rather think it`s something psychological. When I am full of doubts or confused, I usually turn to sleep and dreams, so most probably that`s what happened this time too.
Be that as it may, I feel very refreshed now and have quite made up my mind. I have finally moved forward and it was about bloody time too.
One piece of advice; when you start feeling guilty about something, JUST REVERT TO PROFANITIES!
BELIVE ME, IT PUTS EVERYTHING IN A MUCH BETTER PERSPECTIVE!
LOFL
P.S There is a certain person who has been close to me for months now. I am very attached to him, perhaps more than he`ll ever know, and finally last night I told him so. I do not know if he believed me, but it could be that my being honest with him also had something to do with feeling so much better now. TEN POINTS FOR HONESTY! WELL DONE MASQUE!
P.P.S I am also terrible tired of having to pay attention what to write on here because I may hurt someone`s feelings. It is no problem of mine. I am going to be totally honest on my journal from now onwards, and sod off the consequences.
My pride was sorely bruised on Saturday. You`d think that for all the beatings it`s received up to now it should be non-existent really. However on Sunday I was really hurt, and I also realized that what I had just perceived before, but ignored because I knew it would hurt too much to admit, had been there all the time staring me in the face.
Ignorance is just another facet of cowardice.
We often ignore something, pretending it is not there, while hugging the hope that perhaps by doing that, someday it will just disappear.
Perhaps it is time to stop lying to ourselves and admit it.
Everyone is alone. Everyone is born alone. Lives alone. And dies alone.
No one gives a damn. Not even those whom you thought were closest to you.
It is much much easier to harden your heart, encase it in a tower of glass and ivory, reflecting back all emotions and feelings, and just stop caring.
*sigh*
Perhaps, one day, I`ll be strong enough to be able to do that completely.
The way different individuals perceive the world is simply astounding. We colour everything with our own perceptions and ideas, not realizing that other people don`t see or understand things from our own angle. All of this reflects the beauty and variety of different personalities, however it also often causes problems and misunderstandings. Sometimes anger, confusion, pain, hatred and a sense of betrayal.
The trick is to know how to differentiate between those who see everything from a different point of view and therefore act accordingly, and those who are simply lying.
Unfortunately for me, it seems I have not yet mastered it.
After seven months living in London, one of my best friends has come back to the fold. I met her this evening, and I was really happy to hug her once again. I had missed her terribly.
I had wanted to talk to her about something for quite some time now, and as I suspected, she understood me perfectly. I don`t need anyone`s approval, but knowing that there is someone who really knows what I feel helps a lot.
On another note, even though I feel much better now that I`ve spoken to her, I also feel worse somewhat. She is a very vivacious outspoken person, and seeing how sure of herself and how strong she is, while obviously making me feel happy for her, also made me feel somewhat down in the dumps. I am not sure of myself at all, and honestly, if I could describe myself, I`d say I was the Queen of Confusion. *sigh*
Anyway, tomorrow I have to face a very hectic day... not to mention that I am not feeling very well right now cause of certain factors over which I have no control and which are threatening to create a nervous breakdown. Lol, I`m exagerating. A bit. However, looking into my crystal ball, I see a LOT of alcohol in my future right now... enough to make me drunk anyway.
Certain songs mirror what I feel so much that it`s scary. Evanescence, my favourite band, have songs like these, which seem to come right out of my soul.
This song says all I feel in relation to a certain person, whom, try as I can, I still am not sure whether I really love or hate.
From a very young age, I realized that I very much preferred the World of Dreams to the World of the Living. In dreams I was free. In dreams, I could do whatever I wanted to do. In dreams I could be me.
Sadly, dreams are too cruelly honest. They strip away our everyday lives and show us what we truly want. Even though it can be as painful as hell. Sometimes, it is better not to know.
Most of the time I have a habit of thinking that I am above the cut of normality. I believe I am far beyond conformity. Very different from the rest. From those stupidly preening girls wanting everyone to dance to their whim. From the mediocre nincompoops flitting through their contemptible idiotic lives. From the rest of that uniform, pathetic flock called humanity.
Some nights however, I realize, that perhaps I am not so different from them after all. That I too have been influenced by the masses into wanting something so inordinately cheesy as to strip away my veneer of bored incredulity and leave me a whipering lonely mess.
Last night, battling through the confines of my mind, I re-affirmed a long-cherished desire which left me crying in terrible shame.
And once again I realized that life in general is fucken hopeless.
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