The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The doors are opened by two gracious servants in livery of crimson and gold; I glance at them as I hold my heavy skirts, and one of them winks. Candelabras radiate warmth in a spacious and opulent hall. The crowds intermingle and whiper; masked faces peering from behind feathers and velvet. I snap open my black ostrich feathered fan and sip some golden champaign. I smile and nod to my companion as we glance at the beautiful antique paintings and statues. And at the masques.



Oh the masques!



Later, I am presented to Giacomo Casanova. He smiles at me sensuously, kisses my hand, and whispers compliments in my ear, promising a dance later.



Afterwards, more servants lead us to the Princess Hall, where we are served with a wonderfully spiced three course menu. Casanova once more makes his entrance during the meal, and talks with the guests; thanking them for accepting the invitation to his ball.



After the meal, a heated dispute leads to Casanova having to 'dance the blades' with some members of the High Inquisition. But everything ends well. Wine ends all disputes.



And then; the ball begins!

It is during days like these; when I realize what a great person I am, that I also realize all my ex`s have been real jerks, and that I deserve much MUCH better. I have never been dumped (it`s always me who does the dumping... most guys seem afraid to leave me for some reason... *giggle*), and I`ve decided that in future I`ll only date guys I`m really interested in, and not do it just because I`m bored. Perhaps that`s why I`ve been single for so long now.



Maybe it`s true that I`m a snob. I don`t care. If being a snob means not dating assholes, then I`m a snob by all means.



Tonight is going to be great. I just KNOW it.



This is one of those rare days when I literally SPARKLE. And I`m going to bloody well make that count.

Skin to skin blood and bone

you're all by yourself but you're not alone

you wanted in and now you're here

driven by hate consumed by fear

Hatred is easy.



With hatred, I know what to do.



Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering.



Unlike love.

Every night, before I go to sleep, I dream of doing it. But of course, I never do.



I can feel the heavy skirt of my white samite dress. The wind whipping my black hair to a tangled frenzy. I can hear the whistle of the trees beneath, singing their fury. From high up, the world finally discards its puny caricature, dwindling into non-existance. Plunging into a shadowy horizon. I take a step forward; bare feet silent against the white-washed concrete. I pick out the white orchid from my hair, and loosen it into the wind. Then watch it spiral down. Down. Down. Into the darkness.



I smile serenely.



I turn. Back to the void.



Spread my arms wide.



And let go.

The world passes at a sickening speed in front of my eyes. Walking alone in the street, rain falling all around, I glance pityingly at the puny mortals flitting by, and wonder how they cannot perceive their own insignificance. Smelling the rich moist soil, brushing droplets off my jacket, I frown at a staring teenager and rush on. The world is fast, but I am faster. Until I stop that is. Stopping is necessary, yet also painful. Realizing that you are the only aware creature in a world narcotized by mirrors is depressing, yet also satisfying. The pain however, always chases any type of smugness away.



It`s like I am the only living thing in the world with a complete new sense... or better still, an old sense which has been killed off in everyone else, but which I still hide and nurture in the confines of my being. No one who doesn`t have this twisted cognitive level of thought can understand the way I perceive life in all its lurid agony. And as there isn`t a living breathing creature on this earth who does... well, there`s my answer I suppose.

Once in a great while, something wonderful and unexpected happens and you think 'This is it. Now everything will be different. From this moment on, everything will be as it was SUPPOSED to be'. Then, once again, you start to drown in painful circumstances which have nothing to do with you, but which, nonetheless, seek to dominate your life over and over again. And you ask yourself, will this never end? Will I always continue to hope in vain to find what I seek; live the life I was meant to lead, only to be pounded neverendingly on life`s jagged rocks?



It would be much less painful not to hope at all. To shut down dreams, kill off desire, and strangle all thoughts of happiness. To become a dried up old prune like everyone else and stop being hurt just because you are you.



Yes, it would be much less painful, and each time I tell myself I will do it. Feel myself becoming a little colder and indifferent inside. And yet. And yet. Something in my heart is still burning.



Will it ever go out?



Do I really want it to?

In 'Legend' Lily is first an innocent romantic and then transforms into a decadent and irresistable seductress. The point is, the two had always co-existed within her, and they were always there in equal measure, only she had never let the second one out. Both were her, yet not one aspect was her totally and completely.



That is how I feel.



That was bloody apparent yesterday. I mean really. An hour before going out I was watching Zeffirelli`s version of 'Romeo and Juliet' and sighing my heart out (I know, I know, pathetic) and then I went out clubbing and behaved like a... well, let`s say I wasn`t a Juliet... hehe. The thing is, both aspects are me in equal measure... yet I am so much more than that!



Is everyone this fucken complicated?

A drop in the pond. So tiny. Yet enough to disturb the whole surface. That is what happened, only I wasn`t aware of it at the time. Now, like a rolling boulder, things are happening all at the same time, faster and faster. And all I can do is go along with the tide or be consumed by it. Standing still is not an option anymore.



However one can always pretend not to care. Hehe, this evening someone told me I looked so calm and relaxed that they envied me. Clam and relaxed! A second before I was telling myself to calm down and not swoon because I was so terrified! Gods, how can inside and outside be so different? I still don`t get it. Appearances are so damn irrelevant. And yet most people only judge by them... impossible as it may seem; I sadly find myself doing the same. It`s almost like a compulsion; something brought about by the mentality we have all been inducted.



I too judge by appearances... but I get really pissed off when others judge ME by the way I appear and behave at the moment...



Ah but then, I never said I was consistent did I?

Have you ever felt as if there was another creature, struggling to come out of your skin?

Walking in the darkness, fallen rain caresses her cheek. A roaring wind blows her hair into a frenzy as trees and bushes bend before her gaze. The sound of the rain drops plunging on the concrete is drowned beneath an eerie melody which continues to play again and again in the confines of her mind. The leaves whisper, and she laughs. Feeling suddenly free, powerful and oh so ALIVE she flexes her fingers, delighting in the blessed cold. Slowly, she draws long black nails on her frozen neck, picturing the scarlet trail they leave behind. Crimson on white. The music soars and again she laughs as pouring rain cascades upon her unprotected head. Feeling at one with the earth beneath her, the sky above her, the water around her, and the deep fire burning inside her, she gazes dreamily at the moon and sighs. Then, a wave of pure malice makes her shudder with pleasure and she licks the drops off her lips, smug at the thought that she can harness the power inside her whenever she wants.