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So, I had a dream. In it I'm walking home during the bright warm sun. Not a bad walk home, as it's the same path I take all the time.

I get almost home, maybe about.. 2 1/2 streets over from my house, when a man walks over to my side. I look at him and he says "it's time to meet your dragon"

I stop, confused for half a second, but I know the answer at the same time. "Wait, you mean the vampyre dragon?"

He nods and then walks over to a house nearby. Standing by the door of the house are a lot of people, people I don't know or recognize. But they don't really matter as much as the older lady exiting the front door. She stands a little above me, with all the people crowding around her, and she places a wreath of silver leaves on top of my head. My first thought is that it's slightly scratchy, but other than that it's fine.

I turn to walk down the street, and right as I realize I'm going down the wrong street a bit, a car full of obnoxious women drives by and almost hits me, but I turn back around and start yelling at them for being inconsiderate and careless.



Then, I start walking the correct path back to my house, and I've gotten no more than a few feet when the wind starts picking up, and I have to hold on to the wreath on my head as the wind tries ripping it off.



Then I changed dreams, but that wasn't as important or relevant to this.





I was planning on do this. I had paused in reading the saunguinomicon cause I wanted a break from reading, mostly because it has some powerful thoughts to process in it. I guess now I'm going to have to continue...Though at this point I think it's safe for me to skip ahead to "awakening the dragon" section. Lol



For once I guess I'm not moving fast enough for..something... or.. maybe not fast enough for myself..Since isn't that what "the dragon" is? It's you, as YOU are, and nothing else superficial. Just you.



Hm...



I'd spend more time trying to contemplate it this morning but I have work in 2 hours so I must needs get ready. I only work 4 hours though so it won't be that long before I figure out how to do what needs be doing.



Side note: I think I already know what I'm going to see... cause I've already seen it in another dream when I was maybe...12-13? ish..



It was a very short dream. I walked into the main room of the apartment I was living in, towards the mirror above the kitchen sink. I stood directly in front of it, and looked into my image. I took a good look at my eyes and was suddenly blinded by a brilliant flash of white light. I then woke up.



I won't be surprised if I see something like that again.

ok so, I've come to the conclusion my stomach is messed up. I can literally go about 24 hours without food and still not be hungry what-so-ever. When I finally do eat something after a long time has passed though, my stomach, after about an hour or three, starts rebelling at me and i suffer horrid cramp-like pain. WTH..



the pain generally lasts for a good amount of time as well. I can't sit, or lay down, or find any comfortable position to hold still in, and I constantly feel I have to move. There is only one position that makes it not suck so much if I'm holding still and that's on my knees and arms with a pillow or 2 under my stomach to balance me out. But, that doesn't always work.



I wish I could just make myself eat regularly.. but I just lose track of time, and then realize I have eaten for a looong time. :sigh:



vampiric tendencies don't do well with me it seems. I can drink all I want, and soup generally doesn't bother me if it's a broth base, but once I hit solids it's like GAH pain!



But for the life of me I can't figure out just what has changed. I mean I must be feeding off of something energy-wise, cause I'm not puttering around the house feeling like i'm hungry all the time like i used to do. But i'm also not taking energy from anyone either. I siphon off excess energy I get when I visit the club every now and again, but that never lasted more than a few days.

But, really, it's very weird not to be hungry...in any kind of form what-so-ever.



...oh well. I guess I can't complain too much. I have energy for a change, I don't feel drained all the time, and the cold isn't as debilitating as usual either.. I mean, I still feel like an ice cube, but I don't lose energy because of it.



:goes off to contemplate the issue:

All I want to do is say every swear word I know and call that woman almost any hateful thing I can say.



I hate how I get treated at work. I'm the friggin' outcast. I don't fit in, and i don't make friends with most of the girls there. Not because I didn't try, but because they have shit for attitudes.



Ok, lemme get my thoughts together here and try to explain my day, hopefully it'll help me calm down.



So, I went in today, per usual 8am shift at Wendy's on a sunday. I walk in, I ask my manager how many pans of tomatoes she needs. She says 7, but she also says it in a way that makes me think she's not in a good mood. But, I ignore that and go and do my work.



Now, in order for me to get started on MY job, I have to finish and clean up the counter space I need because someone else didn't want to finish THEIR job. I had a giant pile of dirty dishes around the counter, and some of the dishes I needed were dirty. So, I go up front just to check to see if some of the pans I need might be clean up front. I ask one of the girls and I quote "Do you have any clean little pans?" she said no, and so I started going back. She proceeds to to follow me in the back and start grabbing the dirty dishes and be like "here just wash them" in this attitude tone of "they were right in front of your face you fucking moron"



I hold my tongue, per usual, because not a damn person likes or gets me in that place. Then I grab the number if pans I needs, clean the ones that are dirty... and some of the ones that were supposedly "clean". Then I get to work in the little space I have left cause of the giant piles of dishes, but I manage to get the 7 pans of tomatoes sliced, wrapped, and put away.



So, now comes the fun part. I have to chop and slice lettuce to make lettuce for sandwiches and lettuce for salads. All the while people are throwing more and more dishes into the sink, it's overfilling with them, and I've not got enough room on my counter to do the lettuce.

To top that all off, the girl who is making salads is completely out of chopped lettuce to make salads so I have to make 3 full pans of it for her to make a salad blend. I'm used to this because they make low amounts of lettuce because they don't want to waste salads anymore.



Well, I start making lettuce for salads and my manager is now walking through the store bitching about how "we have one extra person on sundays. Why is it we get everything done on time during the week, but sundays we need one extra person and we don't even get things like bacon done until 1pm" In case you hasn't gotten the gist of this tale so far, "I" am that one extra person.



I ignore it and go back to lettuce, but a few minutes later I notice the girl who is supposed to be making salads just standing there, doing absolutely nothing but walking back and forth, talking to the other girl who has the bad attitude.. but she's still basically doing nothing.

So, I ask her, and I know I can say things funny if I don't watch how I speak so I monitored how I said it. I asked her "Hey, while you're waiting for me to get you lettuce do you think you can get some of these dishes done because they're really starting to pile up"

Her response: "No"

And off she went to do whatever she was not doing, while I was still trying to fill up her salad blend bin.

So, now I'm a little bit mad. I know that eventually, for me to finish my lettuce, I'm going to have to do half of the giant pile of dishes, just to get the 5 things I need, but that's not unusual. That's what I have to do most of the time when this particular manager is working.

But, now I'm starting to get queezy, cause my pills I took this morning, vitamin D, aren't sitting well and I'm upset so the acid is churning like crazy in my stomach. I ignore that and finish up the lettuce for the girl making salads. I let her know she has all the lettuce she needs, and I start figuring out what I need for the rest of the lettuce. I'm about to cut the lettuce up, when the girl with the bad attitude comes back and starts doing dishes, her little iphone thingy blaring loudly in her pocket. She's playing some crappy music I don't like... but whatever.. she's doing some of those dishes so I don't care.



I'm putting lettuce into the sink with cold water that's being used to rinse it off when she hangs the strainer up on the hook above the sink where it goes.. Not a total big issue....until I realize it's still completely covered in soap suds and now all of that soap is now in the water with my lettuce.

I make a noise and pull it down and go to rinse it off better in the sanitizer water, and she starts ripping into me about "complaining"

"Well that wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been an idiot and overfilled the damn sink full of dishes.."

It was at this point, my temper snapped what control and patience I had left, and I mental flipped into "not taking BS anymore" mode

"Don't you dare blame all these dishes on me. I put those in there when I needed space, but the rest of those dishes were not my fault and everyone else keeps piling dishes on top of dishes. This is NOT all my fault so back off. And do me a favor, stop calling me a god dammed Idiot. I'm not"



By this point the manager comes back and gets into it. At which point I'm saying I need half my stuff for lettuce but the dishes are in the way most of the time. 3 of the 4 buckets I need are clean, but one is dirty, and another container is also dirty, of which I was pointing out to my manager. She on the other hand is just being herself saying I'm slow with lettuce and I need to get it done faster and the same thing she tells me allll the time.

How can I get my work done faster when I have to clean up after others first only so I can THEN start my work, and then clean up after myself.



On top of this I don't like this manager, because the majority of the time I see her, she's either talking on the phone, or texting someone. She pauses whatever she's doing to do this, and she does it a lot. She stands around and texts people, she shows off pictures of people and things to other girls in the store. So I stood up to her too and said she had no right. She said she had every right and could do whatever she wanted.

I told her I wanted a manager who actually did their job, and she got mad and told me I could go home and she would do lettuce. Fine with me, she doesn't like how I do it, she can do it.



I'm solidly in "not gonna take your BS anymore". This was building for a few weeks in some ways, but it probably would have been avoided if some small things had been different.. like people with bad attitudes not bringing them to work. I TRY to be happy in the morning. When dealing with customers I'm the nicest person in that store. I have had at the very least 10 customers at random times over the years stop and say things like "Wow, you're a hell of a lot nicer than some of the other girls I've had take my orders in the evening" and I've been so nice I've had to turn down at least 20 people trying to give me tips.. Yep you heard me right, I turned the tips down. But, I have to do it. Wendy's employees are not allowed to take tips.



But, if you're nice to me, I'm nice back.. if you give me attitude.. I give you attitude back. I'm literally the perfect example of "you get what you give", and I remember just exactly how you treat me.



In either case, I'm now home, listening to Vampire Heart by HIM and trying really hard to calm down. I hate how unfair this always gets. I hate how people say all the time "That's life.. it's unfair. get used to it"



WHY!!!!!!! Why do I have to get used to it? Why can't I say "No, that's not fair, treat me like a good person because I am. Treat me properly. Stop being all high and mighty. get off your high horse cause you're no better than anyone else, whatever your "title" may be." Life is only not fair because people accept that it is, even though they don't like it. Hell no. I'm not a sheep. I don't just "accept it" and you can't make me. I won't do it.



I've worked at Wendy's for 6 years, bad treatment the entire time. I work, I show up on time, I come in properly dressed, and I do my job, whatever it is they ask me to do. I might complain, but I do the damn job.



But if I lose my job over this.. whatever.. I'm tired of being treated like crap. I'm tired of it.. Good and solidly tired. I've dealt with it for 6 friggin years! Not one single compliment worth remembering, or that didn't come with a "but" attached to it. Well, that's not true. I remember the customers telling me I did a good job. They're the only ones who seemed to think so. Everyone else calls me an idiot, stupid, fat, ugly, and slow, both mentally and physically. I've been told numerous times to just find a new job, but there's nothing to find.. I have no car, so I can't apply to a greenhouse and do what I love doing. Growing plants, tending green things and flowers...I make them grow and bloom and I never hear a complaint or telling me I'm too slow or stupid.



Why can't people be like plants. Plants don't judge