The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Well, I almost have my apartment. I am applying at a "low income" complex, seeing how I make less then 500.00 on my bi-weekly check and plan to support me and my son. It isn't too bad but I plan on having a bat by my door at all times. This place is a bit shady, lots of people I know better than to trust. Hence the reason for the bat at the door... But it is what I want, what I need. I need to be free from my husband...



He says he loves me but I know it is not true. If he loved me then he would have treated me so. He made me feel as if I was so dumb, so childish and not worthwhile... It hurt so much, but it does not hurt anymore. My heart is hard now, tired of being the punching bag for his bad days. I can be unhappy by myself. We went to a counselor the other day. He practically told Janet(the counselor) that he felt he always has to talk down to me because I was so dumb. He treats me like his daughter or something and I really hate it. I am very inependent! How dare he do this to me. I am the one who works and takes care of things. He doesn't even have a job! The sad part is that I have put up with it for this long... but no more. Janet was like, "Time heals wounds, take some time apart at your apartment. You will come together after you two learn that you miss each other..." Fat chance. Ray broke my heart. I gave our marriage my all and he kicked me down over and over. He thought I would keep taking it and taking it, well he was wrong! I am not going to be his target anymore.



This past week, ever since I have started packing my things and slowly moving out, he has become so passive and kind. It makes me so sick with anger! How dare he do this, playing with my emotions like toys. Giving me gifts, cleaning the house, taking me out to eat, supirses at the home when I get off of work...and this is not the first time he has done this charade. I left him once before and he acted the exact same way. I know he is going to keep this "Perfect Husband" act up until I change my mind and unpack. I am not changing my mind though. Not in a million year will I be swayed. He should have done these things from the begining, not at the last minute!



I feel guilty all the same though. His "Perfect Husband" act is toying with my heart. He cries and begs for me to stay and it tugs at my heart strings, but I know it is lies. All of his empty promises fall onto my heart and weigh heavily. But they are lies, I have to remind myself that. I care for him, I will not deny that. But not in the sense that a wife should. I care for him more like a brother or a friend. I want him to be happy and have nice things, but I feel like he didin't even care for my happiness or wants. Then I remind myself that he pushed me away, he was the one who brused and battered my heart. I sat by for two years and told myself he would show me his love one day, as long as I remained faithful and true he would show me the same someday. I held onto that hope for so long, keeping the delusion alive in my heart.



A few weeks before I decided to leave I was at my lowest. I wanted to die. Mind you, I did not plot suicide. I just prayed every night I would never wake up in the morning. I then realized that I was never going to make Ray love me. I was dying inside...



Wildly, I am in love already with a new man. He had helped me be strong throught all of this. He wants to be with me but wants me to be happy first and foremost. He supports me without asking me to be his. He puts my happiness before other things. I want to be his for eternity it seems. I know that when you first are with someone you go through this "honeymoon" stage of absolute happiness and contentment with each other. We have that feeling now, I know it will end and we will have arguments and such soon. We already had some troubles today. But I have a great feeling about us. I worry about leaving my marriage just to go straight back into another relationship but I feel so strongly for Matt. I love who he is, his personality is one that I know can love me for who I am. He knows my heart and does not shun me for my strangness. Ray used to laugh at me or say I was weird when I told him my deepest feelings. Matt appreciates them like no other. We are going a bit fast at the moment, but I do not care. I am so happy with how we are together. He has my helped my heart heal so much.



I am leaving Ray because I do not want to be abused anymore, but I know that with Matt in the picture that everyone is not going to see it that way. I am going to be a whore in everyones eyes... I do not care... It bothers me but I cannot help it. Let the people think what they want, I will be free...