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He didn't want to go either.

He cancelled on me while I was out buying my dress. Hahahaha.



It's a good thing. I'm too tired for this shit.

I bought myself a new red dress with black stars, birds, roses and anchors on it. And I have black arm thingies, you know the things that look like fishnet stockings for your arms, and I bought black contacts! Needless to say, I look fucking awesome right now. :D

A Daddy...

A Daddy is not just a name,

It's a title and it has to be earned.

A little has to choose you.

It can't be taken or forced.

A Daddy is a protector

unlike any other, and his little,

is his everything.





I guess that's not always the case.

I posted a writing on another website about being a little and how it's not a role we play, it's who we are. And mentioned the other parts of me so I could explain that they are all facets of WHO WE ARE.

And in ten minutes, five people have loved it.



:D

Swan is awesome!

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LuvlySwan86
01:03 Oct 29 2016

Fifteen this morning!

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I hope I'm not the only little who does.

Because damn. I need it.



Now,



Note to self: Breathe little one. This too shall pass.

You are beautiful, and smart, and sweet, and kindhearted, and funny, and you don't need anyone but you.



Now lift that chin Princess, your tiara's falling.



You are worth so much more than this. (Credit to Simpleman for that line, thanks sweets.)

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PorcelainLavender
15:01 Oct 28 2016

Don't worry! As a little myself, you're definitely not the only one to self-soothe, it really does help when there's no cg or dd around to do so, so it's okay.

Me and my stuffies hope you feel better soon!!

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LuvlySwan86
00:15 Oct 29 2016

Thankyou M'lady. :D

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You can't hear me cry,

See my dreams all die,

from where you're standing,

on your own.

It's so quiet here,

and I feel so cold.

This house no longer,

feels like home.



(Because I guess venting is good.)



I decided to post the link.



https://youtu.be/ga94wVeFBac

https://youtu.be/o3yBnAqQuWY





Firstly, it's batshit, go insane. Not bad shit go insane. Secondly, I actually take my medication, but this is still an awesome song.

Well, by the time I closed my eyes this morning I was so exhausted I slept until about fifteen minutes ago.



I slept like the dead until what must've only been an hour ago, when I started having this horrifying dream that I went out to the city to meet a new play partner, and he stabbed me to death in a motel.



That won't happen though, I have a safety routine I abide by.



A little bit freaked out though.

https://youtu.be/dGESwIFmOTA

https://youtu.be/pUlX8ltm_JU



I love this song.

So beautiful and filled with sorrow.

Someone posted a journal entry asking this question, and I gave a short answer. But now I'm going to elaborate.



First and foremost, it's a chemical reaction in the brain that can either cause euphoria or madness.



But love the adjective, well, that's a different story.

Love is caring about someone so much that you would put their needs before your own. It is seeing the unpleasant parts of them and caring for them as much when you see those as you do when you see the pleasant. It is defending and respecting them, even when they aren't present. It is not roses and boxes of chocolate. Those are nice, but they aren't necessary.

It's sharing your unpleasant side with them, and trusting them to stay once they've seen it. It is honesty, respect, trust,understanding and forgiveness.

It isn't never saying sorry. It's meaning it when you do.

It's hating a particular quirk your love has, but missing it when they're not around. And knowing that if anything ever happened to them that hurt them in any way, you'd care for them in whatever way they needed you. And the person responsible would face a wrath that Satan himself would fear.

Love isn't something that is purely felt. It is built. It is worked on. Maintained.



Love is hard work.



All that good stuff you hear about, is the residual effect of love. The side effects of it. But not the actual thing.



If you love someone, you know it.



*AdLib: That's not to say that the feeling you get when you meet someone you WILL love should be ignored. The human soul is very clever, and can recognize it's counterpart in another.

If you have those feelings, don't be afraid of them. Or of expressing them. Not everyone will be permanent, but everyone will be worth it in their own way. Even if they're a lesson. You should always express those feelings. You never know what might happen to that person before you get the chance to say it. I've been in that position, you don't want to.

You could make me a believer.

Even if that shit ain't true.

You could make me commit murder.

Baby I'd kill for you.



Oh god forgive my weary hands,

For what they may do.

I'll carry out his evil plans,

If he wants me to.

99% of you are such beautiful people. Almost all of you go out of your way to uplift me when I feel like shit. I'm so grateful.🎭

I'm super lucky that one of you in particular knows me so well.

What you did just now, I'm guessing you read what I said about leaving. You got me, ok? I haven't forgotten you're here.👏

And I know you'd be upset by it if I left. So would a few other people. And I'd miss you guys too much.💔

Plus, I have a coven to admin for. I can't leave. 😀



☕Also, coffee IS life. 😝

Clearly you just don't enjoy life, lol.

(Personal joke)

I don't even really know how I feel right now.

Forlorn maybe? Like I give up?

Something to the effect of both I think.



I had to catch the train from the former Sir's local train station today. Thank god he has two jobs.

I've never had such a bad panic attack. And I get those all the time. I was so afraid I'd see him.



I hate him. He's a liar. And a cheating scumbag.



I need to go out. Let my hair down a bit.

I definitely need some affection.



Somehow I get the feeling I'll be dissociative tomorrow. Sometimes I can feel it coming. Everything gets to be that little bit too much, and then bam! Suddenly all of it starts to melt away, and by morning I have no feelings for an entire day. Like I'm a walking shell.

And there's a million other girls who do it just like you,

Looking as innocent as possible to get to who,

They want and what they want, it's easy if you do it right.

Well I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!

I actually ended up flying with my niece, which was good.

God I missed it here.

I'm a cool chick, Ok? And a symptom of that condition is the fact that I have an awesome, vulgar mind. That includes my sense of humour.



I have friends I've told very clearly that I'm not interested who won't listen. I find that hurtful, disrespectful and intimidating.



I also have one who....who I'm....uuugghh, let's just say I'm trying not to lose him, shall we?

But things are so fricken hard because I feel like I can't be myself with any of those people.

Some think it's a window, and the other gets uncomfortable and stops talking. Like I do when I get uncomfortable. Which is how I know that's what's wrong.



What the hell am I supposed to do? I already had to threaten to be rude to someone to make them stop.

And by the same token, I don't want to be one of those people to someone else.



I'm so upset I feel Ill.

https://youtu.be/eC-F_VZ2T1c

https://youtu.be/ulEzfKEqhb8

I leave to move interstate tomorrow.

I miss the kids already.

I hate flying.

I'm happy but sad.

I'm a member of a...cough...cough...dating website. Kind of.

And I just had some guy with no info, no profile pic and whom I've spoken to three, count three, times give me his number to message him. Really? Am I the only person who sees that I'd be extremely stupid to do that? What are you on guy?



On another note, never message a friend you're on thin ice with when you haven't slept all night and all day and you're wired on enough caffeine to kill a small bull. That conversation isn't going to end well. If you care about them, wait till the next day, unlike this fricken idiot. (Me, said idiot is me)

So apparently my profile has become creepy stalker dude central in the past 24 hours.



Why don't the three of you just fuck off?

I have enough on my plate without one fucking ass who's been stalking my friend and two that I've already told to get lost and blocked creeping on my damn profile.



I check my dashboard you creepy fucks.



As I did with number one, you other two better piss the fuck off before I out you.



Because I am angry at the breach of my consent, but I am NOT afraid of you.

I've come up against much worse in my lifetime, believe me.

https://youtu.be/QkBwHNq4r9

https://youtu.be/a4bxRUAiZQY

https://youtu.be/QHJ4ywDE_nQ

https://youtu.be/Z6b8YruviKA

https://youtu.be/ulEzfKEqhb8

You can actually literally die of a broken heart.

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TheMullet
00:57 Oct 13 2016

Yes

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I'm so lucky I chose the coven I did. Artorias is very kind and protective, and we're all very lucky to have him.

Get off my profile you stalkerish, creepy ass motherfucker.

I blocked you for a fucking reason you scary prick.

Don't make me call you out and explain why.

You fucking clown.



Because I. Will. Do it.



You know what? For the protection of other women, his handle is TheGentlemanBandit.



And trust me douchecanoe, you are the furthest thing from a gentleman I've ever spoken to.

And you disgust me.

I have an intense fascination with two things. It's not a kink, it's more of an emphatuation. These two things are eyes and hands.



So why eyes?

The Windows to the soul. You can tell particular personality traits of a person by how they hold their eyes. Try it. You'll see.

They can speak when mouths fail. They can display tenderness, love, sorrow, joy. Anger and frustration.

Eyes are a beautiful thing.



And hands?

They are the first part of every lover you actually touch. If you are a gentleman. And the first part of them to touch you.

They speak also.

They can touch tenderly, hold people to you, protect oneself, tease, spank.

You can tell how someone lives by their texture. (Ever heard the phrase "dish hands"?)



They are also quite beautiful.



So yeah. That's why.

I've been so negative lately I thought it was time for something nice, and I've always been a believer that when you find the beauty in something it is best to share it so that others might share in that experience.

I think I've scared or at least worried some people.

So to alleviate their stress,

Yes, I have suicidal tendencies. But I have no intention of acting on those thoughts. I've been this way for years. And for eleven of them I have chosen to live. I made that choice when I became a mother. I love them far too much to put them through losing a parent.



Someone I know, kind of, put up a writing today that has really given me a lot to think about. Thankyou.



I think I'm going to start eating more icecream and junkfood when I get depressed. After all, I could use the weight gain.

I'm sitting here at 08.33 in the morning balling my eyes out after no sleep, roughly a litre of coffee and two caffeine pills.

My ex made me watch a video of our former brother in law this morning. He was 110kilos worth of man at the start of this shit.

Now he's 55.



I'm trying to convince the ex to lend me money to drink today.

Yes, I drink a lot. I drink when I'm depressed because it keeps me alive. And then I'm distracted by a massive hangover for the next 24 hours. And today I need that break.



I don't care that the problems I'm facing will still be there later. I need to switch it off for a bit.



I was promised PROMISED a do over and then traded in like dirty underwear. I didn't want him to love me, I just wanted him to stay. To care. I'm used to not being loved.





The man who's dying saved my life when I was going through a very dark time. Housed me. Fed me.

And.... And... I need a drink.

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Dakotah
03:08 Oct 11 2016

Sounds like someone needs a pancake.

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LuvlySwan86
00:28 Oct 12 2016

Only if it comes with maple syrup and hotdogs. :D

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BeautifulEnlightenment
01:28 Oct 16 2016

I know exactly how it feels to have that mother fucking gorilla on your back.

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My former brother in law's just been given eighteen months to live.

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xRobin3x
12:21 Oct 09 2016

My spirit is with you.

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Did some therapy shopping today. New bikini, denim shorts, g-strings, kitty ear headband, sandals and a onesie. And chocolate. I might go for a drink later too.

I bought rum. Aaarr!