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20:56 Aug 29 2011
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Part of me loves this time of year, and the other part of me is dreading mid-September and my return to college.
I love Ireland, I love living here, but I feel absolutely no affinity towards my college or my classmates. It's not that I dislike them by any means, it's simply that more often than not, I feel completely at odds with them.
I know they say "If you meet more than ten assholes in a day, it's time to look in the mirror", and typically I am the first one to assess my flaws and wonder what I'm doing wrong if a social situation turns rotten. However, in this case, I really believe it's a case of culture clash.
The collective Irish personality is one of extroversion. Amongst my group of acquaintances, I do not know a single person that doesn't enjoy clubbing and partying. I also don't know a single person that doesn't consider drinking a significant part of their lifestyle. These aren't necessarily bad things, but they definitely aren't me.
I'm a bonafide introvert. I benefit from good conversation over a home-cooked meal, going out for coffees, having small house parties where everyone knows everyone else. A lot of extroverts don't seem to get that introverts just don't enjoy the same things that they do. It's not that we really want to go clubbing, if only we could work up the courage. It's not that we're insecure or fearful. It's just that extroverted activities kill our spirit and exhaust us emotionally.
I don't know a single person that really seems to get me, or is even interested in trying. In this way, college makes me feel incredibly alone.
I'm really holding out hope that we'll get a few new people in this year. I'm also praying that I won't be so bogged down with projects, and so perhaps I can get a job or join a club.
Fingers crossed.
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COMMENTS
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imagesinwords
21:41 Aug 29 2011
That's exactly how my introversion works. When I was your age, I did go out and drink a lot- but that's only because I was giving in to peer pressure of other Marines that told me this was the norm and other ways of being were not. Obviously I didn't have your maturity of being able to step away and be my true self no matter what other people were doing. And so- I always feel like I wasted a ton of years. Then again, I'm not dead... so I have plenty of time to do the things I didn't 'back in the day' when I was too busy following the crowd.
If I would have stayed in the Marines and was single today- It would be interested to take my present self back to all those places and spend more time doing the things I love instead of doing what everyone was doing rather I liked it or not. This isn't to say that those people aren't enjoying themselves.
Today I have a great confidence- one I wish I would've had in my early adult life... yet I strangely like my memories of being out of sorts. All those things keep me grounded. I don't belong here, I am humiliating myself... I am the odd-duck character that appreciates the experience, later. It's all I can do since I can't change the past.
Ludovician
21:57 Aug 29 2011
Early on in this particular college stint, I gave in and participated. I wanted desperately to belong, especially since I'd left behind my childhood friends and a job where I connected strongly with my coworkers. I was all alone in a new country. I just wanted to be accepted by Ireland. The thing is, it totally backfired. The false extrovert Flannery is completely unlikeable. She says all the wrong things at the wrong times, and seems obnoxious and unintelligent. It's not even something I did consciously. It was just a mode I fell into.
At the end of every day I felt totally disgusted with myself. I couldn't, and didn't want to keep it up, and so the few friends I had lost interest in me.
I think the loneliness would be less intense if they had never been interested in me. It's that I tried, compromised myself in the process, and failed.