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Depression hurts it can sink in my heart and soul,it can cloud judgment, it makes me feel feelings I don't wanna feel,it turns me into a shell of my former self it comes and goes but when it stays,it stays like a thorn on my side. All my confidence,pride,funny personality is being thrown out of my soul and replaced with self harm,putting my self down,calling myself names. It hurts to the point where sometimes I can't see the bright side of life,where I can see nothing but a cliff I just wanna jump off to end it all,no one will miss me and no one will care so I guess thats the bright side of suicide.

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mercurymoon
22:38 Feb 02 2012

u have 2 fight that feeling. sometimes getting out and doing something helps. just get busy when u start 2 feel like that. depreesion sucks. i have lupus and am sick all the time, so i fight depression all the time. sometimes i just lay in bed for days because i hurt so bad from joint pain, or terrible rashes that i get. sometimes its shingles. misery comes 2 mind. but then i think of my the people that love me and that helps pull me out of it. i hope u find ur ways 2 combat it 2. we r all different and different things work 4 different people. just keep fighting it

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PsiGoddesS
12:18 Feb 10 2012

Not focusing so much on the negativity will help. You have to find the things you ENJOY about life, exploring, trying new things, changing your perception. Life truly is whatever you make it and thinking apon the dark things too much will never shed much....light ;)

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Ok on a lighter note I'd like to write about my ideal women and the kind of women I like. Yes I do have a preference I like woman who is intelligent,humorous,who has a great personality,articulate,talented,very beautiful on the inside and out,who has long hair and pale white skin but also not too pale. I also like woman who is not afraid of snakes and insects,also I like a gal who is into video games and likes to watch sports. I prefer women over men simply cause women are more reliable,there more trustworthy and I think far more intelligent then men but they don't get credit for it like they should.

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mercurymoon
22:39 Feb 02 2012

thank u 4 what u said about women. not many men see that

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PsiGoddesS
12:19 Feb 10 2012

That is very kind of you :)

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Okay,the reason I've been writing about myself more than usual is simply because I am sick and tired of people saying "you should open yourself up more" or people whom you are starting to know or like says "I don't know you that well enough" To me saying those comments is just a lame excuse for not actually reaching out to the person and plus I actually like talking to the person and opening myself up when I'm speaking with them. Now that I'm starting to write in my journal no one can give me an excuse that they don't know me well enough yet. So here I am my life and my stories.

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liljo9274
21:49 Feb 26 2012

I have had some evil things happen to me and if I opened up about it, it would bring out a Huge can of ass kicking whopping someones ass!! Not to mention putting them 6 ft. under. I don't open up about it cause I shut it out of my head and refuse to open up about it. There are some things you can feel free and open up about but sometimes, some things just need to be put in the back of your brain and not mentioned at all like it never even happened. That's just me though. If you ever need to talk though you have a friend here on vr. Hit me up or leave me a message and I will get back with you as soon as I can.

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You know for the life of me I just cannot understand why so called friends who are supposedly your friends come back out of the blue asking you to do them a favor but when you needed someone to talk to they never had the time for you. I don't get it,no matter how nice I am,no matter how many times I've helped someone I always seem to be the last person someone would speak to. I'm not asking for praise or for gratitude but all I want is someone to talk to when I'm feeling upset or depressed a little friendship is all I ask for.

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KatherinexxxArdu
02:25 Dec 29 2012

I am always available to talk to if you need to vent..I have the same problem..ppl come to me as a last resort and the sad part is I actually give in...Guess it's my belief in Karma that keeps me doing what i do best...forgiving, loving, and caring to any that need it.

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You know whenever someone says to me that I'm lucky to be an only child I think to myself not really,

I have always envied friends or family that has brothers or sisters because I never had that same loving,caring,supportive feeling one gets from there siblings. I never had a brother to back me up when I needed someone to help me out of a fight,I never had a sister to protect or to give me advice on how women would like to be treated or the kind of women to look out for. All my life I've tried to put on a happy face and looked on the bright side that all the attention is on me but the pain always kept resurfacing and I guess not having siblings is what started my root of loneliness. Would it be better if I had siblings? I don't know,maybe,would I be a more happier and content person,probably but I guess I'll never know. The only thing I can do is keep asking my Mother,why didn't you make a brother or sister?

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KatherinexxxArdu
02:28 Dec 29 2012

ahh another feeling the only child dilema...nice to know that there are others who have felt the same way as i have...I envy my husband's and his brothers relationship at times and how the two of them defend each other on things. I too wished I had siblings..and after taking some of the psychology courses for my masters degree I am going for made me think how I would be as a person had I had siblings. But my mom did try to have other children, but she miscarried twice. I am a god send and blessing to her. Maybe you are to your mom as well.

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Sangreas
00:20 Nov 18 2013

Trust me being an only child sucks.I always wanted a brother and I still do.I have a best friend and we call each other brother,because we pretty much grew up together,but it`s not the same

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For some reason I don't know,no matter how hard I may try to forget or try to move on my past just seems to keep coming back to haunt me. Everything that I've done or haven't that I should've done keeps coming back to the front of my mind. I keep asking myself if I was the way I am now growing up maybe I would've been more accepted,maybe I wouldn't feel alone,maybe I wouldn't have trust or maybe I would've had more friends. The truth is growing up I wasn't always myself,I was always trying to fit in just impress girls but deep down inside I felt like a total idiot,if I had been myself instead maybe I would've been treated differently. Sure time heals all wounds but there are some moments in life I just can't seem to forget no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I just wanna just drown my past along with my sorrows. When I'm alone I scream out saying leave me the fuck alone,stop torturing me already,get the fuck out of my head.

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KatherinexxxArdu
02:36 Dec 29 2012

Oh how I know that feeling..all throughout the years I have always tried to fit in with everyone I was always around never knowing who I truely was personality wise. I did this so i would not be made fun of, as the first time I was called names was in 3rd grade, and never understood why I was made fun of, and then it turned into disruptions in class when I would turn around and snap atthe kids snickering at me. Did they make fun of me because I was different from them? Possibly...even then trying to fit in carried into my adulthood, which landed me into an abusive marriage of 7 yrs because I had to be like everyone else and get married....I share your pain...

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Music is my passion,I love music as if it's my girlfriend or like a wife,music has always been there for me through the tough and happy times of my life,music is my best and closest friend I have ever known and I wouldn't put anything ahead of music,not a girlfriend,wife or even my own children.

My favorite artists are:



AC/DC,Aerosmith,Alice Cooper,All American Rejects,Alter Bridge,Andrea Bocelli,Andy Williams,Bauhaus,The Beach Boys,THE BEATLES,Bee Gees,Beethoven,Billy Joel,The Birthday Massacre,Black Sabbath,BOB MARLEY,Bon Jovi,Brian May,Bruce Springsteen,Buddy Holly,Cat Stevens,Chuck Berry,Cinderella,Cradle Of Filth,Cristina Scabbia,Creedance Clearwater Revival,The Cure,Danny Elfman,DAVID BOWIE,Dean Martin,Def Leppard,Dio,Disturbed,Dokken,THE DOORS,Elton John,ELVIS PRESLEY,Eminem,Epica,Eric Clapton,Evanescence,Flyleaf,Frank Sinatra,FREDDIE MERCURY,George Harrison,Goo Goo Dolls,Green Day,Guns N'Roses,Heart,HIM,Iron Maiden,Jackson 5,The Jacksons,James Brown,JIM MORRISON,JIMI HENDRIX,Jimmy Page,Joan Jett & The Blackhearts,John Denver,JOHN LENNON,JOHNNY CASH,Johnny Mathis,Journey,Joy Division,Judas Priest,Kamelot,Killswitch Engage,Kiss,Korn,Kurt Cobain,Lacuna Coil,LED ZEPPELIN,Lemmy Kilmister,Lenny Kravitz,Lita Ford,Living Colour,Lynard Skynard,Madonna,Marilyn Manson,Maroon 5,Meatloaf,Metallica,MICHAEL JACKSON,Motley Crue,Motorhead,Nat King Cole,Nightwish,Nirvana,OZZY OSBOURNE,Paul McCartney,Pantera,Phil Collins,Pink Floyd,Poison,The Police,Prince,Puddle Of Mudd,Queen,Quiet Riot,The Ramones,Ratt,Richard Marx,Ricky Nelson,Ringo Starr,Rob Zombie,Rod Stewart,The Rolling Stones,Roy Orbison,Sam cooke,SARAH BRIGHTMAN,Scorpions,Sex Pistols,Sharon Den Adel,Siouxsie & The Banshees,The Sisters Of Mercy,Serenia,Skid Row,Steve Perry,Stevie Wonder,Sting,Survivor,Theatre Of Tragedy,Three Days Grace,Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers,Twisted Sister,U2,Van Halen,Warrant,White Zombie,Whitesnake,WITHIN TEMPTATION and The 69 Eyes.

Okay I wanna make something really clear the reason I ask weather a person is either a vamp,lycan,witch,angel,demon or angel is simply because I connect better with vampires,lycans and demons. I don't care for certain angels,witches or humans because it's hard to trust either of them to me I think witches are harder to trust than humans and angels are just too goody two shoed. It also has to do with the simple fact that I have a hard time trusting people especially someone over the net,you just don't know who you could be behind that computer screen.

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KatherinexxxArdu
02:39 Dec 29 2012

Why do you think that all angels are goody two shoes?

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Hi,allow me to introduce myself I'm Matt I live in Philadelphia,PA,USA not Romania but I wish I lived in Romania,I would love to visit that beautiful country along with Japan,Italy,England,Greece,Egypt and New Orleans.

I am only child but I have a huge family but I've never felt alone,I am asian-american,my mother is filipino and although my father was adopted and I don't know who his real parents are I've always assumed he is Italian and Hungarian. My favorite colors are red,black,white,purple,blue,gold and orange. My favorite foods are Italian and Filipino. I love to write,sing,play video games and watch movies,my main goal in life is to be a singer/songwriter. I had a gf for 8 months but I've been single since Nov of 2010 and yes I'm still looking for the right one. Although I was raised Catholic,I consider myself spiritual,I believe in Jesus,Satan,God,Gods,Godesses,Angels,Demons,Vampires,Lycans,Witches,Reincarnation and Ghosts(I am very interested in the supernatural) I think anything is possible if you just believe in it and one cannot exist without the other. My favorite authors are Edgar Allan Poe,Bram Stoker,Mary Shelly,Nathaniel Hawthorne,Stephen King,John Milton and Emily Dickinson.

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LoxxyDarkmatter
20:35 Feb 08 2014

nice to meet you :)

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