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My dreams are rapidly progressing into insane and horrific movies. My other 3 personalities are conflicting with each other. It`s like an interrogation room in the darkest and coldest place in my mind. Solar, my diabolical side, craves for blood and wants to explode. Sincere, my sensitive side, longs for the caress and companionship of a good woman. Tremor, my jittery side, wants to run and be left alone.



They are getting very hard to control. They want out...to come out and play. This would not be good or end well. The world hasn't seen us at our highest level nor do i feel its ready.



My dreams last night are mainly the reasons i choose not to and cant sleep.



In my first dream i awoke in a black room sitting at a table with a bright light hanging over my head. The light was swinging over my head..back and forth...back and forth. I stood up to stop it from swinging but when i let it go it started right back. It was maddening. Solar, Tremor, and my father attacked me...They pinned me to the ground and forcibly put a straight jacket on me. Me knowing very well how they feel i went berserk to fight back. in the end the three of them was too powerful. Once inside the straight jacket they wrapped me in chains. Then as my father and solar screamed at me Tremor left the room and brought in a stretcher. They then put me on it and strapped me down. It was very hard to breathe. My father started bringing back the past and reminded me of things he said. Solar laughed at me because tears started running down my face. Tremor keep repeating "I knew this was coming. I knew this was coming."



So the tears stopped and my sadness turned to pain...my pain to anger....my anger to rage. Suddenly something snapped inside of me. I started to scream intensely. My three personalities was drawn back inside of my body. I felt the strength of all the pain I've endured in my life and i broke free. I killed my father. I must say I rather enjoyed killing him. The the voices in my head began to speak overwhelmingly. To end the chatter and my suffering, I ended my own life.



Do you see? That is just a glimpse of my dreams....I very rarely sleep but when i do i have many dreams. I am tormented excessively by my daydreams and nightmares. I have to sleep with loud enough noise that will decrease the voices. As you may have guessed it doesn't work but i try anyway.



So you tell me.....Should I let them come out and play?

Today is starting out okay. Im going to take my kids to the park today. Its nice and gloomy with a cool breeze. Hopefully they wil take this time wisely and get all the pinned up energy out. I know its been a long road for them as well as us but they deserve the chance at happiness and fun even if we didnt have it growing up. Plus, with the nightmares and daymares i need this time to hopefully clear my mind of these inner demons...even if its for a little while. Send us positive energy and good thoughts. Ugh! Im going to be so tired when we get home...lol.but it`ll be well worth it.

COMMENTS

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paganwillow
19:57 Aug 13 2014

the park is always a good place to be , even if the weather is crap , your with the ones that you love so it will be a nice warm glow around you and your children :)xxxx

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