The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A man was stranded in the desert for ten years. One day, a woman in a wetsuit walked up to this man and said, "Would you like a cigar ?" The man said, "Lady, I aint smoked in ten years." So, the woman unzipped the left arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a cigar. Then, she said, "Would you like a drink ?" The man said, "Lady, I aint drank in ten years." So, she unzipped the right arm of her wetsuit, and pulled out a bottle of Jack Daniels. Last, she unzipped the front of her wetsuit and said, "Would you like to play around ?" The man said with astonishment... "You mean to tell me that you got a golf set in there, too?!?!"

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.



Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."



He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.



"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"



The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.



Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."



The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.



At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."



They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.