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I wish I could say I am doing much better, all cured. But I'm not. I am still struggling. I'm not as suicidal anymore, so that's a plus. I just want this pain to go away. I'm sick of Dr's. I'm sick of doing what I can to heal only for me not to heal. Everything is getting worse. How can I function and try to be a better person when all I can think of is how much pain I am in. It's constant and unrelentless. Nights like tonight, all I want to do is cut away the pain. Yeah, I still have issues.

I've been working really hard to make myself feel better and to like myself for once in my life. But I still can't fully like myself. I am still having problems admitting I am not a hideous monster. I still feel like the mirror lies.

I've sworn off all dating. Even online. There's no point to any of it. I can't allow anyone to get close to me ever again. People can't be trusted. And shouldn't be trusted. My life has become non existent.

I feel like I'm wandering around in a black hole with no real exit. My painted smile is now more paint than smile. I feel lost. And no matter how much I try, I still feel angry.

COMMENTS

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VivienneXol
17:37 Apr 27 2023

I truly hope some light heads your way and brings you nothing but positivity! I am sorry you are going though a terrible time :(

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Vampirewitch39
18:19 Apr 27 2023

Positive vibes sent.

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I am doing ok. I've really been working on myself and my mental health. It hasn't been easy. How do you undo years of mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse? I have no idea but I'm trying. I know I will never 100% heal from the past trauma. But I'm learning to be ok with it. It's ok to be angry. I have a lot to be angry about. I met a friend on here who checks on me daily. Although it strikes me strange that he cares. I'm just words on a screen but I matter to him. There are days when that's all I need to keep pushing forward. I don't talk much anymore. I've spent my entire life inwardly complaining. So for once I've tried to silence my mind. I really hope I can stop my suicidal thoughts, and actually live my life. Even if that means I don't say much or write much here anymore. I have to figure out some way to accept myself and not be my own enemy anymore. People have punished me enough, I don't need to add to it.

It's one step at a time. I really hope I'm stronger this time to keep moving forward.

COMMENTS

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Vampirewitch39
15:02 Apr 11 2023

I wish you strength

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