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November 22 will be upon me very soon. How will I deal with it? Will I mourn, wake up, will it be just another day? Things are starting to fall apart in my heart. I just want to be left alone half of the time.

Nursing is a bore so far. All we have done basically this week has been to sit and read and take end of chapter quizzes... then read... and read. And while I love reading.. let me tell you what, there is nothing more stimulating than to read about how to give an old man an enema... yeah, right.

I found that my eyes are getting worse. If they are not better within two weeks times, I will be facing painful treatments, perhaps even a corneal transplant, or worse, wind up blind, or nearly so. . It is hard, I depend in my eyes as well as my sense of touch for nearly everything, and yet, I may be loosing one of those. I do not want to loose one of those. I am terrified. It is horrible, to know that one might loose their sight, especially when the night sky is so beautiful. I find that people down here take the sky for granted, in ohio, it wasn't nearly as bright and beautiful as it is in the country. Now I look up and am taken breathless at the sight, you can see literal layers upon layers of stars.

I cannot believe him. That is all I have to say. The things he said, the way he said them... I am literally sick at my stomach with him.

I am going to a concert tonight. I am not sure if I will have fun or not yet. I enjoy concerts, more for the people watching than anything.

Ever feel as if you just want someone who will protect you? I think in times of stress I just want to find that one person who can protect me, make it all better, not even love, just.. strength. I think that is something I have lacked in my life for a long long time. Strength. strength to express myself, strength to say what I feel, to get the release I want, to touch people, to make love, to be.

I am so stressed right now with all this, I am not sure I can even eat, and I haven't yet today. It is hard, because I know if I do not eat, I will become sick, and yet, I know if i do I will become sick. What all will happen, become of it all? I am so tired and so stressed, all I want to do is find a nice quiet corner and curl up and hide, and sleep, for a long llong long time.

I wonder what life will bring now. Things change, drasticaly, nearly overnight. I wonder what will happen, how things will change now that I've the chance to truely express myself. Only time will see.

I do not enjoy dreaming. I just realized this. Dreaming is the heart of passion, of compassion, of memory new and far. When you dream, you are in your most natural state, purely dependant on the safety around you. It is the one time that you are not of your own free will. I fear this the most, the inability to control my thoughts, my surroundings, my desires. I do not wish to dream, nor to reach that state.

I don't know . Things are changing in my life, some for the better, some for the most confusing. I wish there was a way to change everything, have everyone happy with what I want out of my life, rather than just people who I feel are being placated and are placating me. Life is shitty, but sometimes, that is just the way the rowboat flows. Ah well, it will get better eventually.