The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Last night I dreamt of you. I dreamt of a life which cannot be. A life that like now.. tugs at my heartstrings and makes me desire you. I never knew after all this strife, all this heartache and misery, life could feel so much more wonderful, knowing that you are tehre, in my mind, in my thoughts, making me feel as I once did so long ago. Thank you.

I woke up this morning. My mouth hurt horribly, gods I have to get to the doctor and get everythign realigned soon. I am unsure how much more pain I can take. On top of that, my stomach is sour. I hate being ill. I feel as if I could curl up and go to sleep for a year.

I am quite a bit more happy right now. I am no longer stuck to an extent, the fact that I am getting out in general excites me. I have never slept so well.

I am not quite sure what happened last night.. but everything that has been so horrible in my life escalated past and beyond what I thought possible.. rude comments were made, things happened. It was horrible. I don't care anymore however, only I can change that.

I am not sure about anything anymore. When all seems well, something happens to make it all bad again. Then, something good, then something bad. Sometimes I do no tknow how I am still alive with it.. it is literally as if I am dying inside. I do not know what to do. i want two things in life.. one if I keep, I will never be well emotionally, the other, I will loose the first. Which do I chose, what path do I take? It is fathers day today.. you are supposed to offer people a happy fathers day, but is it wrong of me to not want people to be happy since I am not happy? I have to pretend however...pretend to be happy , nice to the customers, I have to smile and act as if all is well.. if people do not know how I hurt inside, then all will be well... god will it ever end?

My Ex husband and I got into it today. He came over to drop off child support and tell me I needed to call off work this weekend so that he could go on vacation. He asked to take my kid. I said no, since I do not trust him enough to watch her overnight for reasons dealing iwth the past, in which he let her, as a newborn, cry all night since 'she wasn't dying' . So no, I will not let her go with him for a weekend trip out of town. So firstly I have to call off of work.. again.. because he doesn't feel like acting responsible. And then, he looks at her and says "I am going away baby, you cannot come. Your mother doesn't trust me." She started crying. He looked at her crying, smiled at me and turned and walked away. He knew he made her cry. Then, as he was to his truck, he had the balls to turn and ask if he could take her out to dinner sunday when he gets back, "since it is fathers day"

I am going to attempt to update my profile, I am I am. I suck at doing such things however. My kid came home from my moms last night and said some of the most heartwarming things. sometiems I think I am too lucky to have her!

To top it all off, I got in an arguement today, as well as had a busy day at work, as well as a lecutre from my mother, on top of that, an arguement with my ex husband (my childs father)... wee for bad days

I had a freaking horrible day. woke up too early, got into an arguement, then go out to get in my car and go to work.. only to find my car isn't there...Call nine elven, thinking perhaps it was stolen.. no. It was repoed... over a fucking fourty dollar late fee. I owe less than five hundred to pay the son of a bitch off.. So I think cool. I can go, pay the fourty dollars and be done with it. Wrong. He wants the fourty, plus the five to pay it off, plus a THOUSAND dollar repo fee..My wallet and my daughters bike was in the car, amongst other things... he didn't even clue me in that he was fixing to do this. So after a long arguement, I finally convince the fucker to give me my shit out of the car, told him where he could shove it, and got out of there... fuck, for fifteen hundred I can downpayement on a brand new car, I ain't gonna pay that kind of cash for a pos .

Said I was gonna keep this thing up ...



today I had a rather relaxing day, woke up at noon, spent all day playing a video game, etc. ahhh... my kid is in kentucky, visiting her grandmother for the week... I lvoe my child, but the vacation feels nice.

My little girl had her dress rehersal for her ballet recital tomorrow. She looked... oh so adorable. I have never been more proud of her than to see her up on stage :D

I am now even further stressed. After having a chance to cool down, I realize that her car accident isn't that big of a deal, after all, she is fine, her grandmother and father is fine. I went to tell my boyfriend about it however... and he got irate! I mean literally, was yelling about how could I even think to let her go back and finish her day with her dad. I don't think I am in the wrong here, but hell... I do not know what to do at this point.

Stressing bad right now. My darkest fear that smoething would happen to my daughter and I would not be there to comfort her came true. Her father, Grandmother and herself were in a bad car accident... she is alright thank the gods.. but it still scared the living hell out of me. I swear... if anything was to happen to her...

I am going to make an attempt to actually write personal entries. I am more adept at writing stories, and conveying feelings that way, but here goes:





Today I feel so stuck.