The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Profile intro moved
00:38 Jun 28 2006
Times Read: 533








So....I started this page last night. A friend told me it's a really cool place to be. I must admit I did not expect so many people to respond or comment. I've been wracking my brains trying to figure out what I wish to tell all of you. After looking...I've decided to tell the truth. All of it...unadulterated only excluding names for their sake. Perhaps I should put all this in a journal, but what the heck. It's not like most of you read this anyway. My site is not pretty. I am technologically retarded. But I can type....and I can live.



So....let me tell those of you who would like to know more about me the absolute truth.....



I think it all started when I was a little girl. I remember when I was four years old I used to have "dreams" of my great grandmother. This was a wonderful woman gone long before I was born to this earth. She used to sit me on her knee and tell me stories....beautiful things of magic and herbs and spirits. I carry these dreams with me still in my heart, but I no longer have such visions. I told my mother about the nice lady that visited me. Naturally I got laughed at and told it was cute. Soon after I stopped talking about them...or even having them. Until my mid teens. Out of the blue I was asked about that nice lady again....and shown pictures. My mother started crying and told me who it was...said I had a gift. So I reopened the wound and let them flow free again.



About this time I met my first boyfriend...for his sake let's call him Vlad (I know creative isn’t it) I was fourteen and he was four years my senior. He was beautiful...striking wolf eyes and flowing black hair. He told me he was a vampire and had lived a very long time...in other bodies. He said I was a light he was guided to. That I was a salvation to him. He knew what he was...and I was just a diversion to take up his time. To his credit he never touched me below my neck. But he didn’t have to. He was already embedded in my soul. Even now the thought of him brings tears to my eyes. But I guess the first love is always the hardest eh?

I never knew what happened to him...he was very self destructive...and I always wonder if I gave him the moments of peace he craved. A mutual friend of ours passed away that year, and we drifted. We were only together a short while, but he gave me a faith in myself and a faith in my craft. May the Lady smile upon him wherever he may be.

So, that is where the vampire....fetish...I guess you could say, comes from. There are always more parts of a story, but that sums it up fairly well.

Then we enter high school.....I really don’t think I have to explain the atrocities fellow man can inflict upon each other. I was very heavy in my craft. People would come to me for herbs, spells, card readings...all sorts of things. It wasn’t a bad life...but it had some rough downs.

I met my second boyfriend here...and my world proceeded to shatter like hard rock candy thrown out a car window. In my innocence I believed all the sweet lies. I was a good pure girl waiting for that magic we all get told of when we are little. I had my faith, my purity, and my sense of self ripped violently away from me on a sunny august afternoon. I am twenty-five years old come this Friday....and I still feel that violation, it never really does go away does it? The only way I can explain what happened it that I just shut off. It was like that penetration into me physically by someone I trusted also penetrated my soul. It was like flipping a switch. One day I was me...the next a sorted puppet. He pulled my strings for months and made me dance his tune before a dear departed friend woke me up. I broke free.



Between then and now I have struggled to find peace...to find myself. I have no confidence and an extremely low self of steem. I don’t like it. I hate the fact that something...some stupid event that happened eight years ago can still strip me bare. It's a fight I refuse to give up.



I finish college on Monday. With my experiences there I feel I have gained back a piece of myself.

For those of you who have read this far, here's the normal stuff...well...depends on your definition of normal.



I have a very strong shield and surround myself in strength and a false confidence. I am in love with the paranormal, but now question its existence. I want to feel a vampires embrace. I want to feel cherished. I want to be loved with an unwavering loyalty. I crave devotion. Also within my time of self-discovery...I have realized there is still a part of that tender innocence in me, but it is a cowering child afraid to come out. In front of her lies a guardian Kali would be proud of. I like to be bitten, but have yet to find someone who has the strength and sensuality to spark that fire within. I like to have my hair pulled with finesse. I have a deep-rooted demon that enjoys causing pain to those who like to receive it. I enjoy clawing biting drawing blood and rolling in it. Kali is my patron goddess. She is mother and warrior and at times I feel her likeness in me. I nurture as well as cause change. .....Hmm, and I've finally run out of things to say. Hope I didn’t bore you....course if you read this far I probably didn’t.



May you enjoy your stay in this little window to my being.



-Lilyan

Beginnings
22:00 Jun 25 2006
Times Read: 542

Ah, welcome to my first journal entry. Admittedly my prtfolio has an intro that should probably belong here. Someday I may even move it. But it shows some of my beginings and is something you will never hear from my lips or mind. Some things just stay buried in the psych and are better left that way. So why is it up for all to view you may ask? Why did I let my heart and feelings come from out the clay I had them stuffed under. Easiest solution.....cheap therapy. I came in this VR place because of a dear friend of mine...Sakura. I am still not quite sure I like this place. I have found few nice souls and a multitude of rudeness. I've heard nothing but wonderful stories from my friend...and find perhaps it is her loving nature that induces you to give her such pleasurable experiences. Granted I have not been here long. However I find it increasingly disturbing that people visit me and provide this rating thing without even reading and checking everything out. I have tried to respond to everyone who has sent me welcome. If I have missed you let me apologize. For I do read everyone's profile...even if it contains nothing but angst ridden dribble and some pictures. The pictures are very lovely and some of you have supurb artistic talent in viewing as well as creating. I dont know what I expected coming to this place. Perhaps a home. A good ear. Intelligence. Well, if any have it in their minds to restore my faith in humanity...or hell...even non humans. All I can say is your work is definately cut out for you.

You know....I remember when life was so simple to me. All I wanted was to be a good lover and a good wife to someone. Unfortunately I still have hope.....but through the windows of my heart I can see this rose....A gorgeous outcropping of roses. It's almost like a drop of acid spreading I watch this poison spread through my lovely roses. Hmm, maybe I'm angst ridden myself. I'm to the point where I will either gather up my roses, those still pure and vibrant, and run like hell to somewhere...any fertile ground. So that they may flurish like they once did.Or this other part of me sincerely wishes to just rush them along to their doom. I stand at a crossroads....I do not know which way I will turn. I do know that it will be a split second decision one day. But I am really old and too damn sick and tired of this shit. I dont know if I want to fight anymore. Sometimes I can feel the old fire in me, other's the new fire. Can hot and cold flame burn brightly together? I have a light and darkness in me, but they have no place to intermingle. Ah, to hell with it.....this is stupid. I'll leave this pile of mental filth here for you to read anyway. Just incase. Who knows I may find someone to ignite me again in these vast halls of your VR.

As it is I think I'd settle for just some good biting. I dont think I've been bitten in a way to make my tummy jump in years.....Feh, stupid libido. I'm going to quit typing now before I really get into it =P

Well, if you've made it this far, here's a rag to wipe the sludge off your boots.

*kiss kiss*

-Lilyan