The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I dont know what makes you tick but I hope its a time bomb

lets go out to the student union you sed...!

lets drink cherry beer and jack daniels you sed...!

lets get there on the bus you sed....!

lets flash the police men in the riot van you sed...!



next time my friends say " oh come on lets go play out" im gonna say noooooooo and hide under the bed, i was chatted up by a dirty old man at the bus stop ..." are you catching the bus sweetie?" " your hair looks very pretty" " mmm mmm mmm you smell delightful" " would you like to come for a drink with me?" " i have vodka at my place , we could have a little party" HE WAS GROOMING ME TO BE HIS PLAYTHING EWWWWWWWWWW , AND WHERE WERE YOU? sat at the back of the bus laughing your ass off ... then pikys and land pirates were all over me as the fair was in town " c'mon darlin c'mon try yer luck with the hook a duck, if you win il give yer a little kiss like!!" gross gross gross then to top it off the jack daniels fairy visited with the help of the cherry beer golblins and the next thing i know im asking a copper if he " wants to see some puppies?" and flashing him more than a smile!!!!

im gonna be well hung over in the morning but man what a bloody good night... and yes i did get the copers fone number aparently he was won over by my " you can cuff me , but i wont cum quietly" line .............night all ....hmm wonder if he gets to bring the cuffs home with him ......

Excerpts from a cat's diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal, the only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.



DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.



DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.



DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan!



DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.



DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.



DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

Childrens's books you'll never see

"You Are Different and That's Bad"



"Dad's New Wife Timothy"



"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"



"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Household Pets"



"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"



"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"



"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"



"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"



"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"



"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"



"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"



"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"



"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"



"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"



"You Were an Accident" "Strangers Have the Best Sweets"



"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"



"Some Kittens Can Fly!"



"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"



"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"



"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"



"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"



"Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Socket Become Friends"



"Bi-Curious George"

And your cry baby whiny assed opinion would be.....?



Do I look like a fucking people person?



This isn't an office, it's hell with fluorescent lighting.



I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.



I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.



Sarcasm is just one of the services we offer.



If I throw a stick will you leave??



YOU!.... Off my planet!



If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cats.



Does your train of thought have a caboose?



Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?



Errors have been made, others will be blamed.



Ohhh, let me turn on the part of my brain that gives a damn.



A hard on doesn't count as personal growth.



Whatever look you were going for, you missed.



Well, this day was a total waste of make-up .



See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.



Are these your eyeballs, I found them in my cleavage.



I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.



I have a computer, a vibrator and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?



Not all men are annoying, some are dead.



Did I mention that kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?



It's not the size that coun... no wait, it's the size!



A woman's favorite position is CEO



I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.



A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.



Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.



I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.



Okay, Okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!



Too many freaks not enough circuses.



Macho law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.



Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?



Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.



I plead contemporary insanity.



And which dwarf are you?



How do I set the laser printer to stun?