LeatherNeck's Vampire Journal

LeatherNeck's Journal

THIS JOURNAL IS ON 5 FAVORITE JOURNAL LISTS
Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]

3 entries this month

Jun 2008 →

Saying Goodbye to Mother
19:43 Apr 14 2008
Times Read: 619

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away.

"That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

COMMENTS

Khayman
23:31 Apr 14 2008

AAAAHAHAHAHA!!!

THINGS HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY
21:18 Apr 09 2008
Times Read: 636

My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat.

When I looked at the tire...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She moved in with me.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Looking back over the years that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What the hell was I thinking?"

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Congratulations on your wedding day!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Too bad no one likes your husband.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

How could two people as beautiful as you...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have such an ugly baby?

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've changed my mind.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I must admit, you brought religion into my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...that you're not here to ruin it for me.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Almost Lifelike!

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think it's time you kept your promise.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let's say we stop?

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I'm so miserable without you...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...it's almost like you're here.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you ever find out who the father was?

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So we're having you put to sleep.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

...it's really good pay.

COMMENTS

meeper
21:36 Apr 09 2008

Thanks for the laughs- I need it :)

Famous Indian Tribe
18:59 Apr 09 2008
Times Read: 646

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, 'Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however.

''Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

'Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."

She said , "OK."

"First of all, how many people are in your tribe?" asked the doctor.

She answered, "500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "The Indiannippleless Five Hundred."