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"When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor."



An away message that a friend of mine uses often...

And he screamed above the roar of the crowd.



" Bow your fucking heads you filthy heathens."



Move to the music in your final moments, as the walls fall and your soul is stolen away, into the depths of kohl darkened eyes where the word god comes as a curse on blood stained lips, into this we're tripping head over heels to hold our hearts out for the loving smile of a murderess' grace..



do de do de do....

Ever love some one so much that it was like an addiction?

An emotion so intense that no matter how far it's gone,

How cold it's grown you can't let go?

So you sit in the middle of the night scream into the pillow, wish you had a razor so you could make it all right,

knowing how good it would feel just to be done smile say your sorrow

take that final bow out from the world stage

such a fitting conclusion to a tragic situation..

can't let go can't give up so it eats me up

these long hours

these eternal days remind me of her smile

so you type on with tears in your eyes

preying that putting it somewhere else but in your mind will ease the sorrow

and it doesn't you grit your teeth and you bare it

got through another night, all for what?

so the cycle can recycle, so you can keep pushing and knowing it's go no where but what other option do you have when your hands are empty? talk shit like you don't feel , talk shit like your better when it's the worse it's ever been, lie to your friends as you withdraw, cut the communication as you slip out of reach and deeper into yourself, it kills to be this honest, could only hope it does, fearing to close your eyes because you dread the sunrise, it'll only progress a metamorphasis from human to a miserable pile of what if's and could of beens, could of been something if you didn't condemn yourself but you did and so here it is no way out no way back, the only doors the ones you open yourself like gaping red smiles across your throat, daisy chains turn to ash in the wake of, and your wishing her voice, her breath , your nothing and everything you had you threw away , without answers to these questions you know where the problem began , father's dead, rape and abuse, like realizing where it went wrong could fix the complexes it's cause, no, no fixing this only slipping deeper till you can't breath but some how you manage to go on against all your better judgment, some say weakness is with those who kill themselves, i say they where strong enough to know what they wanted and commited to it, a strength I don't possess but I'm working for it, and I doubt there's much left between here and there now, made sure of it..just pawn it off another over dramatasized sick kid , but it's times like these I really don't care if I'm a statistic...

So...My ex lover's boyfriend OD'd on Smack and got himself sent to the loony bin. Guess who she calls bawling and desperate to help get shit back on the straight and narrow? Yeah you guessed right, So I go racing literally across the state to aid in her time of need albeit she would not return the gesture if it where me. Than again I wouldn't be fucking around with smack either..>That is asside the point, I spend all day calming her down this and that and find our she has been using again as well. Although she swore to me she would not..Faithless is all I can say, I'm not angry just dissapointed and there is nothing I can do to rectify that situation. I get her back in working order, helped her get shit cleaned up and prepped for what must come next. I feel sorry for her as she will have to deal with his family, but with any luck this little experince will turn them around.. I love her still and I hate him, but how could I turn my back on her shaking voice begging for me on the telephone? Fuck it...Made the return trip at 2 AM got home at 4. slept for three hours and went for a physical and DT for a job seeings as the place I was working at closed down. I smoked a bit of bud about two weeks ago so I'm not sure if I passed, than again I was to out of it after three hours of sleep to really give a fuck. I know however that I depressed the ever living hell out of the Doctor examining me, as I have quite a few health problems, and my family medical history isn't to great either. That mixed with the punishing physical labor of the job im applieing for, the fact that I am or was intelligent and well spoken while dealing with him...Do you know what it's like to see that level of sorrow and pity in someone's eyes directed toward you? It isn't a pleasent feeling...If I where a little more brash and a little less in debt I might just gas up the car , hit the road and never look back...Selavie, we all must survive eh?