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So I am sitting here at nearly one o'clock in the afternoon, eating Special K (which is great, by the way) and listening to the radio.



I'm watching my dog tear around my room, psycho and destructive as always. I see her spilling a full glass of water all over my carpet, tear my black fuzzy slippers to shreds, chew up the bottom of my thousand dollar wood dresser, bodily fling herself into my little space heater, the only thing keeping my room warm in the winter, essentially breaking it... and it's not even one in the afternoon yet.



And I think... ha, ha. She must really be having fun.



Of course, my initial reaction to all this was shock and anger, and an immediate desire to protect my things and kick her out of my room to go terrorize the rest of my house. But as I sat, unmoving, and simply watched her, I became more and more grateful.



I cannot fix this damage to the point of making it seem as if it never happened. I can clean up the water and buy new fuzzy slippers (which were an unwanted gift to begin with) but really, I can't control her bouts of energy, and more things are going to keep getting damaged.



At this point I begin to realize that it is not about my dog anymore, or the catastrophe she has been to my belongings, but about material possessions and how easily they can be taken away from you. People almost always end up becoming what they own. 'Stuff' is a word used to describe our god in the modern age. 'Stuff' controls our waking wants and our sleeping, subconscious desires. It has taken control of everything.



We want to own, and so have to work to make money to own. More work = more money = more 'Stuff'. Thus is the cycle that people fall victim to before they realize that they are sixty years old and have never done anything with their life. Why? Because everything that they think they want is surrounding them. The air they breathe is the same recycled air from their work and their home.



This is becoming very long and making hardly any sense. Several days' worth of lack of sleep is making me perceive things in a way I normally don't. I've yet to decipher whether or not this is a bad thing.



Today I am making it a point to trash a few of my own things. I will not let personal affects control who I am. I have a $1,400 laptop and a $600 television and a $400 bed and a $1,000 (now half-eaten) dresser. None of these things I have paid for myself and I am beginning to hate that I have them.



Today, I am going to truly count the blessings that are in my life. Intangible, abstract, whole. My friends, my emotions, my mind, my complete lack of social etiquette, my disgust for all things pink and frilly, my giant phobia of eight legged creatures and the feeling of failure, my acceptance that I WILL fail at some things I do, everything that makes me flawed and happy as a human being.



I am not special. Neither are you. Nobody in this world is exceptional because they have a bigger house, crisp clean tie, fancier title to put on their business card. Nobody is exceptional because they THINK they are, or because society as a whole tells them so. I am unique and weak in so many ways, but I also know that I am a person, with a soul so beautifully flawed and bruised that I cannot say I am better than you.



I am grateful for this day.

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Isis101
01:29 Dec 23 2009

And I'm glad that I took the time to read this...thank you for reminding us on what's really

important in life.

(And lil' doggie can go to a training class - LOL)!

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CADEYRN
23:37 Dec 25 2009

That was beautiful and well put . You have a deep soul and I'm glad to be making a new friend such as you .

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schedule1
18:26 Dec 26 2009

well said! I agree with you 100%!

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Today, I buried someone that never should have lived.



I had never been that close to my cousin, Jamie... she was older, from the wealthy side of the family, had lots of friends, etc. But we had tried to keep in touch as I grew up, at the very least so it wouldn't be so awkward when we had to sit together at family gatherings.



Eventually, she grew up, moved out, found a good man and settled down. When she got pregnant for the first time, everyone was so excited and happy for her that any previous awkwardness between us had vanished. Everyone would buy the new baby (a boy) tons of clothes and toys, and always tell her how proud of her they were.



But... something wasn't right. She could feel that the baby she was carrying had something wrong with him, and was not healthy. Well, a mother's instincts are never wrong.



Connor James Winchester was born on May 1st, 2003 with the left half of his heart missing - the half that pumps nutritious, live-giving blood through his heart and brain.



From literally the first minute he was born, Connor had to fight to stay alive. He underwent several heart surgeries, had a stroke while still a baby that led to lifelong epilepsy, had to deal with learning disabilities and problems with eyesight...



Still, through all of the things he had to go through, that little boy was the happiest I've ever seen. His favorite things were the color yellow, to watch Spongebob on TV, eat macaroni and cheese, and help out his mother after his baby sister, Paige, was born a year later. Connor never failed to find something to laugh at - there was always a smile on his face and a Spongebob shirt on his back.



He was a miracle, they would say. Everyone who ever met him or knew of his story realized how... improbable it was that he had survived and was growing up well, despite all his problems. Nearly dying on numerous occasions, the little fighter would always somehow pull through, not ready yet to leave behind the world and his mother and sister that he loved so much.



On October 13th, 2009 baby brother Kaleb Andrew was born. Both Paige, who is now 5, and Kaleb are perfectly healthy, and were constantly doted on by their loving big brother.



This past December 10th, Connor had stayed home from school. It was canceled as a snow day, and he was doing what he did best - help his mom out around the house, and look after his little brother and sister. Later on that day, he had a grand mal seizure that led to cardiac arrest. His heart and breathing both stopped.



He was rushed to the nearest hospital, and from there transferred to Children's Hospital, where all the nurses and doctors knew him. For three days he lay there, more and more problems arising. Kidney failure, brain damage from lack of oxygen, the loss of his right leg, fluid building up inside, etc. For three days, his mother never left his side, praying and hoping.



On December 13th, 2009 the bravest little boy I'll ever know lost his battle. He was tough, and he fought until the end... but in the end, it got to be too much. Finally, he told his mother that it was time for him to go. Making the decision that she never thought she could have lived through, Jamie told the doctors unplug his life support. In his mother's arms, Connor died at 1:23 pm.



Today, he was laid to rest. He will be remembered forever in the hearts of so many, because he touched so many lives and inspired hundreds of people. His story reached the newspapers, and a small fundraiser is being held to help the Winchester's pay for funeral expenses.



December 17th, 2009 at 11am, Connor left all of his pain and suffering of his 6 and a half years of life behind. He is at peace now, and will always carry half of my heart with him.



I love you, Connor.

COMMENTS

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Freyja
03:26 Dec 18 2009

OMG that is so sad I was bawling like a baby before I was done reading. You did a beautiful job at telling his story and I am sad that such a wonderful child left this world. I am truly sorry for the loss you and your family has suffered and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

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FortunateFool
07:16 Dec 18 2009

Pookie...



My lip is a-wobblin'.



Again, I am so sorry. And we have a long night of wine, smokes, and celebrating this child ahead of us.



Love you, pooks.

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Isis101
01:34 Dec 23 2009

My God...I'm also in tears. We adults can learn so much about how to behave from small children; to be kind, helpful, cheerful, brave...and sweet. I know that Connor will be sorely missed.

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