05:20 Feb 22 2011
Times Read: 457
Memories, does it ever feel like something so crazy happened and it just doesn't feel real, it doesn't feel like it could ever happen to me. I used to write night and day, i remember i once wrote some of a book for 6 hours straight and now my life is so filled i can never fit in another idea that hasn't been thought of.
Life is soo different who am I? It's like when i look in the mirror i don't recognize myself.
I'm visiting my mom and i'm thinking back to when i lived here and i dont think i am the same person!
I felt like a whore for a time seeing this coke dealer who couldn't break up with his girlfriend.
I go to the bar, even though no one thinks its right for a 19 year old to go. I have a great time, but its not the girl i was 2 years ago. I know nothing is ever the same as it once was, but its scary to think who i was before!
WHO AM I?
What are my interests
What do i look like?
What does my heart tell me
What does my brain tell me to believe
who are my true friends
who really cares
does the man i think of every night when i go to bed think of me?
what is love
what is hate
what is reality
and what is fantasy
what is the difference between white and black
good and evil.
and what is right and what is wrong?
So many questions, how many answers are there? Can i have more than one answer, may i answer i don't really know.
i'm going back to the way i was, bad thoughts, dark thoughts of pain, of what would happen if i did this again?
blood, dripping down my fingers and tears dripping down my cheaks.
doubt, does this only happen when i have something to lose?
I have everything to lose! but is that true, anything could happen at anytime. i'm trying to be thankful for what i have, i was happy, what has happened?
Where has my smile gone?
It's disappeared again and i don't even know where to begin looking for it.
My aunt keeps telling me i need to find my smile, though sometimes i know i leave my smile with him, or at the bar, or wherever my accomplishments are. i should carry it around with me, and i never really do anymore, for a while it was like nothing could tear me down, what happened to that feeling? Where has my confidence gone?
though i know exactly where it is! I need to have more fun than just once a week, some real honest to goodness fun. No fighting, no asking permission to go here or there! Its frusterating almost 20 years old and still asking permission.
When i get this way, i feel like i need a change, but there's no way i can change my living situation, i think any standing up for what i believe in will result in a worse situation.
I wish i knew what to do. Dawn, a women from the bar read my tarot cards and said i will make a huge decision before it gets warm out and i have to make it on my own, it will be life changing and at first will seem wrong, but don't second guess myself, it will be the right one.
I just don't know what to do!
I want to run, go someone where new! I hope going to macomb will be that place, i just wish i had a safe place to run to and unwind without getting into trouble!
I'm so mentally drained! I can't take this shit!
Second guessing everything!
Depression
Tears
Music that makes me feel worse
ignoring family because i am depressed
I'm having trouble talking about it! and my aunt says i should write out all the good things, but all the bad things come first!
1. i'm visiting my sister and my mom.
2. i had a car to get here and gas money
3. i have food to eat
4. a bed to sleep in
that's it, i suppose i am happy to be alive. that's always good, right?
Bad:
1. I miss him
2. Afraid
3. depressed about everything
4. don't wanna go back on my medication
5. feels like i need something stronger than a cigarette
6. i don't know what truly makes me happy.
i feel like i'm filled with false happiness because i shouldn't need boys and alcohol to make me happy.
7. i wish i had a place to run to just to be alone, but i feel one does not exsist in the big city.
yea, i know, depressed right? and filled with anxiety! that's the feeling! A pattering heart that feels like a butterflies wings are constantly in motion.
a mind that holds fears and questions that seem will always be left unanswered, yes, i am over dramatic too. :)
i better go before i over think and my brain explodes!
COMMENTS
-