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Well my thoughts ponder heavily on a few things.

One how do you protect one you love but he is not spiritual and yet someone attacks him who is his family?

Two how do you get that family back? For hurting that loved one.....



The only thing I can come up with is since his family is dark to kill it with love and happiness. I want to do a generational healing to his family lines. For him to agree to that? mmmmmm not so much....



On top of that I am going thru healing thru the reiki attunement. So I am out of wack and not liking it at all.

hmph life

It makes you ponder.

So today has been interesting at work. Our manager is out of the office and well they made Corey the contact point today and sooooooooo I am happy to say I am not the mama for there area today. I have been tired and extremely pooped for I did the Reiki training all evening and the day before too. It was well worth it I am just omg tired and a slug which I was informed I might have that or burping or other weird things when it comes to the healing process and so I will be doing odd things till I align properly and I am already drinking coke which is weird for I have not had a chance to really sleep. I took my time and found out that napping the day before work is not a good idea. Lol I nap 6-8 and then went to bed at 1030pm and then woke up on 230am and was fine. I was ready to ball out at 600am but I had to be up and so I was like okay… I have a choice not show or show to work lol

Well a lot happened with Reiki training . I got there and worked on students. I then worked on learning more on what a Reiki Master does and the codes and ethics. I found it compelling that there are many people who really do not go to this level for to share Reiki with everyone is the main goal. To show the student the universal flow is the Reiki and training was amazing. You get to see so much more and get a better understanding of the levels that got you to where you were. Reiki one you learn the physical making us and being a channel to the energy going in to us and healing the person . You get to talk about the energy and show them how to experience this energy in everyday life. In Reiki 2 you learn the mental. and emotional healing. You experience the energy of one and develop it more. Also helping you feel and hear your guides the show. Then you have Reiki advanced training which is about the healing of spirit. Connecting the body mind and spirit. Then you have the master class and you see how all of it comes together and learn .

So it was eye opening and it is was a new way to make a difference to the people who want to learn these level. Yes you have to pay for these classes but the knowledge is worth it. I realized as I went thru reflection of who I am now and what I was then that it is an amazing journey about being in the Reiki energy and really getting the phases that made you a whole new person and a whole new way of life.

I remember getting my first treatment and learning something so new and exciting. But even after that you get to see more. It was profound and wow amazing! I am now excited that I chose this path . I learned so much about myself that the experience is not the ending but the beginning for showing people what it is all about.

Reiki in itself is energy that helps flow to the core of where the healing need so go. It is not a religion. It is not you doing the healing it is the universal energy that is Reiki that heals the key core of where the Reiki needs to go. So now I share Reiki with others I do Reiki healing and teachings.

It was seriously wonderful! I am so darn excited that I am putting my website together on that. :)

Well today was filled with unexcepted stuff at work. I am busy as well in shock that people are leaving so quickly from our work. Shez it is weird. People leaving cubicals getting emptier. We work harder and they dont pay us more. SO people leave alot of them have. Rumors of our business is going down. I am going to wait it out till it does die for I am planning to leave in a year from now anyway from FL. And so I find myself wondering what will happen..

ehh it is friday. I am going to st augustine tomorrow and I am getting my Reiki mastership degree. Finally after 2 years of clinicals I get to do something more. I get to teach and bring people enlightenment. I am looking forward to that. :)

Does the happy dance...

Today has been okay so far… Made Corey feel special and Nita helped out hehe. Corey's birthday..

I have been up since 330 am thinking I was going to get back to bed and never did. I was working my butt off on mediating and loving on the animals.. I walked leo and did mala beads and prayed for an half an hour. Little guy took it out on taring it up lol. I was surprised. He normally takes his time but he ran thru our area as though he had to go and really didn’t…

Reflecting on last night I had spoken to my ex for he needed a massage and we had talked for the first time in awhile. I was like okay the man is depressed still and nothing has changed. He just looked at me and joke he is still not over me and gave me a guilt trip all in one sentence. I was like damnnnnnnnnnn.

His mother thoughtful soul sent me pants I did not think I could fit in but I can fit into a size 22. HOLY moly.. I am mean wow I mean good god I have not been this size since I was in college. The first time around. WOW. I have been just eating smaller portions and getting things done around the house. Since the Fibro is off the chain and in pain I was like wow this is a miracle for sure .

She also sent me a bag I am going to use on my laptop for traveling purposes muahaha..

It is big enough but styling hehe. I told him to thank his mother. For she has always been nice. I was just in shock of all these giftys. I think she was hoping that I would take him back or something or maybe it is out of the goodness of her heart. She was really nice and well always has been nice to me…

So we had a good talk however we have been rude to the other. When he said that. Blaming me for breaking up with him. I figured I was holding him back when in fact he is holding himself back. :P

Then I got to talk to Max . He did not realize people tell me when he flirts heavy or not. They tell me to keep him in line and I cannot do that since that is what he is used to doing. Shez we are dating online it is not like we are in the same state. So what ever! He is a flirty man. Get over it peeps! Lol He had gotten his butt chewed by one of the people I know. Hehe. I had no clue that it was that serious until he admitted to it. I flirt too but I don’t ummm flirt I guess as heavy as he does. Hehe I thought that was most different. So I was surprised when he told me about the chewing outth lol. I get it that you need to be faithful to your other half. But he was the one who wanted to date online not me. Soooooooooo yes he gets busted more then I would like to know. But heck I cannot say don’t do that. Flirting is a natural thing out of life. He is too hot to not to flirt.

(WEG) Shez at work they are a bunch of haters they look at his picture and he looks younger then he is. They are like how did you meet him? Online and you meet yours? In highschool.  oiye vey.. The women who look at the picture are like dang he is a model? I said no he used to be. I was asked if he loved me and I said yeah I think so. He writes me poems and writes me normally and we Im alot. They just look at me and are like jealousssssssssssss. Wow. Ouch I could feel the hate and jealousy. It was weird to say the least… For the fact is they were talking about how cute he was and how I am not pretty . Of course the women that were there are not either. I know I am cute but they aren't beautiful inside either.

Work has been interesting I have been off triaging and following up on files that might have been missed.. we were sooo behind I think I was seriously annoyed that I am off one day and the world comes to an end. The manager knows we need people but there is no reason other then we are going down hill . My thoughts at least. ehhh whatever hehe

Well I learned alot today about what I am made of. I have been challenged all day via work and life in general and somehow I found positive aspects of my day



I got to email back and forth to Max when I was at work and he brought a smile to my face that scared others at work



Anything my manager gave me since we are lack of three people and a tl I did and I did not complain for I had my music on all day...



I got thru talking to my x and he was okay with giving me guilt up the ying yang for leaving him. However he is getting back on the road again and even understood why I did let him go.



I did two healing on people and it worked



I wrote a few poems and got to get them out there



weather was warm and inviting



had two mary kay sales and a massage client on top of what I normally do



Max wrote me a poem and wow is all I can say. He made my heart melt hehe

Well my day was different instead of triage all day I did reports 4/7/08 -4/18/08 then the rest of the day I did seek auth for tens unit and such that had not been touched since the right dates. I did about 12 of those. It was interesting for I have not done that in a while. So I did not triage at all today. Which made me think okay what is going on. Michele handled all of it. Which means I will get it tomorrow. In the middle of this I almost lost my unit knot ring while typing at work.. I have to take it off my ring finger and put it on my middle ring. Wow was all I could. SO I am loosing weight. I could not tell. Lol except in my jeans which was interesting. So I was all around surprised for people said they noticed something different and I was like what crack are they on? They could not figure it out. LOL I am glad for I am not sure I want them knowing I lost a pants size and it was do to eating on small plates.

So I saw my preggie best bud Shauna and I realized something. She is adorable pregnant. She was too cute looking at foods she could eat and cannot eat. She was wearing a suit pants a tshirt and a shirt over it. So this is her pregnant stage of it. She is due in August so we are going to do girlie things this weekend. She is taking to my last clinicals, for Reiki mastership degree so we can do st Augustine. I am hoping to go to the ocean for it has been awhile. She was the one scared of having children and now she is going to have one and wow is she full force green friendly on it too. She showed me the baby diapers she is getting ::eyebrow raised:: It is a diaper with and insert that you throw away the rest you wash. I don’t think she realizes how much a baby poops but okay we will go with that. Then she talked about eco friend baby plastic bottles and all I could think was huh?

Then she went on a whirling derivish of what paints they are using for the baby’s baby room. Eco friendly as well. I think the only thing not eco friendly is the plastic bottles lol So anyways she was shopping for food and such telling me about being preggies and the not so eco friendly things that are around and all I could think was a few years ago this same woman would not touch a child younger then 8 years old. She had to watch a child that was 1 at one point and begged me to come over for she did not know how to do diapers. So I did it for her and she watched but did not touch the child. She said at that point why are you not a mom? I laughed hard and said god does not have that in the picture for me for I would be a serious anal mother. She said but you are so good with children. I said that is the reiki they are seeing for if they saw me I am a big kid and I don’t play well with others when it comes to my toys hehe. So here she grew into and blossomed into a mother and she is excited. Which I am excited for her! For out of the close knit people they are the first to procreate. She is married. Again most of my friends are married. Lol another thing I am not about and they are.

I like being single on certain levels because I can do whatever I want with my money. Or I can go with whom I want and hang out and not have to worry.. or my favorite you can go places with as many men as you want and not have an issue with that either.

I realized that I like dating for I get pampered by some. I get to do things I normally don’t do, and I get to go home and sleep in my bed with my puppy and kitty. Lol another thing most men in the past have bitched about. I treat my animals as though they are my babies.

Ehh so what they are my babies and they don’t talk back. Lol unless you are an asshole and the dog and cat will let you know how it is…hehe

So do I want kids no. Why have my crazy genes out there? Let my younger sister do that. Lol. I don’t want that. I am insane I don’t need to be normal… (shakes head) as for my prince charming if that ever happens marrying him? Uhhhhhhh (shivers) okay now marriage to me is about love and about two people who are whole uniting as one under god and goddess.. To find someone that will marry me for me? Ahhhh huh yeah I have been engaged 7 times but every one of those rings where given back. Anddddd I knew it was not love. I don’t regret not marrying any of them actually. Why settle for mr right now? Why settle at all? I am just not about that.. Settling is a bad mistake where as my friends have found their other halves and are really happy. If I have a mate that I would live with and love with and laugh with that to me is enough. To romance and to play and never to give up on that you know? Ehh I guess I am getting too old to think of being married.

I see how they are every year when they get married and they throw the flowers at me and make sure I am there to pick it up. Lol I dodge it like the plague at the last moment. Why? They actually throw it on purpose to me and I am not about that. It is a chance that is supposed to be someone who wants the honor of the catching of it. They tied me to a chair one year and thru it on my lap and I did the shoot me now look. Get it off my lap now!!!! They hehed hahad and I got out of the rope and threw it off my lap and ran.

I looked at them and did the piss off and some else did it. That wedding had swords. Lol I know how to use it the groom actually forgot muahahhaaa. I battled with the groom and won. For I was not going to sit on a chair and wear a garter belt so people could take pictures of me in this frufru looking thing of dress. I was not about it and didn’t want it.

I am vain like that if it doesn’t look good on me you are not getting a picture of me in it.

It was a multicolored omg what ever pastel ickiness it was. Growls another thing I don’t like about weddings. Wearing a dress and shoes that make you look like crap. ::Rolls eyes:: that is for another night of bitching…

When do you know if you are eating right or not? Blinks

I went to the dr's and he told me I was not 290 but 270... It was seriously surprised and not really amused. I guess because my eating habits have changed a bit and well I was not sure why but my life has been way too busy.

My room mate said his friend and him found kittens. His friend said hey take one home. He said you can kill the 29 year cat with a pillow and she would never know. I looked at my room mate and said while he was laughing if your friend ever comes to my house I will kill him. If you do something that stupid I will kill you too. He said I was saying NOOOO to him. He said it as funny. I looked him and said ohhhhhh that be like me killing off your child and then replacing it with someone else's child. He saw I was serious for he has children. He looked at me and saw I was pissed. I smiled and said if you want to continue to live here please know either my cat or dog get hurt while you live here you will be paying the bills and you will prove to me that you had done no harm to them. I just looked at him and said DON'T tell me that was a joke that was horrible and walked. away checking on my cat.

I looked at him like he was pond scum and his friend was worse.... I growled and snarled. LOL he did not come near me for the rest of the day. hmm I need to do that more often. :silts eyes:

Well last night I had gone to the Blue Bambo with my friend dinner date Stephen. He is a very interesting human. I was taken back by the restaraunt for it reminded me alot of Little china in the lovely and well missed NYC. I was dining in a place much like a five star restaraunt and wowie we were the only ones dressed in jeans and a tshirt mode for the place was taking causals last night. I was stund at the food for it was yummy. I had dragon whiskers for an appeitizer and dinner was a delightful onion saunce with beef and scallions. He had sometype of spicey chicken and goood god it was hot. I don't understand how one can eat spicey stuff blah.... :P Anyways I was savoring the meal and he was tlaking away about life in general with his one line girlfriend who he is going to marry internet wise soon and he wanted me to be involved somehow. He found it neat that I too have a boyfriend on line and he really does believe this woman is the one. Which is awesome. He loves her deep enough to be with her as soon as his tour is over... So we were talking about eachother's mates and dining in the yummiest world in FL at least... Then after dinner we had liche ice cream. OMG all I could think was damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn this is yummy. He looked at my face and noticed I was deep in thought of this yummy tasting stuff. He laughed and said you really like that don't you? I said yeah. He said well you almost look like you are not only savoring it but having an orgasm at the table. I said it has been awhile to say the least so I think not.. He said you are just an odd cat aren't you? I smiled and said what? He said you are very feline like and yet here you are savoring the meal and listening to me babble of Pandora... I said food is a sense of creation and form and texture. It is to be savored and tasted not wolfed down like you did.. He laughed and said wow you noticed that while you were eating? I said a real meal is to be savored and this is.. I am not cooking or cleaning and that is the best gift of it all.

wowwwwwwwwwww ::blinks:: What makes a woman freak out when she is phobic of pregant women? A preggies person at work for the fifth time. Makes me think she is doing it for the tax refund per child down here. She is fookin hugeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. On top of which I have not seen her in months so I had no clue she was still around. She was like hey Tara! I did the omg look and say hello how are you feeling? She said I am fine my fifth one... I was like uhhh oh okay. Smiled politely.. She wanted me to touch her tummy to feel it kick. I passed that fully. By saying I have a cold and don't want to give her the germs. She understood. ::blinnks::: It is too early in th eam for baby crap. holy moly man !!!!!!!!!!! I am barely up for I went out on a drinking spree at an irish pub near where I live. Bloody hell ever have one of those twlight zone moments that is what I had. I was the only woman in the pub. The bartender knew me his name was Rick. I was like ummm did I come on the wrong day? He laughed and said no. I blinked at him and said uh this is going to be a strange question but I have to ask... is this gay man night? He said no laughing louder. I did the why am I the only girl in the pub then? LOL was all he was doing and he said most of the men here tonight are in a woman haters club. I said ohhhhh greatttttttttttttttttt! So I stayed at the bar table with the only man that was married. Then as luck would have it one came up to me and he looked at what I was drinking and did the that is not a girl's drink look. So he ask if I had a rough day? I said if that is not a loaded question and a can of worms you don't want to hear. He laughed and said try me. I told him about work and how it was not going and he was like buy the lady another one of what ever she is having. For he could not tell.. LOL Rick said it is vodak shots triplesec and a splash of cranberry. He looked at me and had to ask how many shots? I said 6 why? Rick looked at me and he was ready.... The guy was like bloody ell you slammed two of those down already and you are moving like it did not affect you! I did the roll the eyes and looked at Rick and he just laughed. So he said it loud enough where more came over and said holy moly...so he wanted to duel in drinks. shot for shot.. Since he had beer I had to laugh and say sure the winner pays for the drinks why not. Flopped down 300.00 and the man had a credit card. Rick just smiled and said Tara you want your music on? I smiled at Rick and said please mr Rickkkkkkkkkkkk put on my drinking music. BLACK47 babyyyyyyyyyy. I was drinking like a fish and did not care. The man I found out was Paul he was soooo piss drunk by the time I was done with him he fell off the bar stoole. Rick laughed I walked up to the jukebox. and play feed my frankstein.... My success song. Obviously Rick knows me well enough to keep those two wonderful puppies in there. The men who hated women cheered for me and literally where in awe. They applauded me and bowed. It was great. Took my cash and said thanks Rick for a wonderful night and kissed all the men good bye. Got a cab home for I was not walking home. lol Being one of the guys is a lot of fun. I was amazed that they welcomed me in with open arms and had fun. I think I need to ask Rick next time when they come around and literally do that again muhahaha. You would think that after a night of drinking and being the only woman there I would have gotten hit on. LOL Not once which was awesome. I have only felt that safe in gay bars and am used to that too so I found a home in the drinking community of women haters. LOL wowwwwwwww. Rick smiled at me and loves when I come in for I don’t give a shi- who you are you are in an irish pub if you aren’t irish at least try to out drink another lol . I could Paul wasn’t. hehe. If not that get a good deal of drink and tips for the man at the bar keep. Which he did and I made sure of that too. I feel

I got home at 1am woke up with nothing much but silted eyes and got up at 400 am where the moon was full and welcoming. :) So now I am work in a mood lol

A very weird but happy trippy mood.. Listening to trippin daisies...

Today was interesting to say the least my new lunch person is marrying a girl he has never met in person and doing it over the internet. UMMM never met the chick but they are inlove. They have pictures and talk daily and email it to but marrying before you ever really met? And then you have a two year tour and you are stuck where you are? Soooooo what the heck is the point of being married? Is the world nuts? It has to be for I have never heard such of a thing. He is that sure so mean while they are in an open relationship till they meet and live together in two years… Heck I have heard it all now.

He was dead set and you can hear it in his voice he really loves her. So that is cool. I just never heard of it. Being that sure before you meet the person? What if you are not attracted it to the other? Or worse marries a murder? You can tell when I person has hurt someone or something in the eyes. This mannnnnnnnnnn is like smittened with a girl… I am not sure how to respond to it so I spoke to him and told him my situation lol with Max. He said Max’s is a chicken. LOL I did the um he is rightfully chicken he has been thru a lot and well it is different that is for sure. He is more moody then me. LOL Is that possible yep… Max thought I would freak out and think things like we will meet or we will marry in person. LOL (rolls eyes) Not unless I meet him in person first. According to heaven and hell we are . But he just doesn’t understand that. Ehh whatever…LOL He just does not understand and I am not going to explain it for it is not my place to..

Other then that my day was just graveyyyyyyyy. My team lead left to better endeavors and we are now missing more peeps because of what she did our manager is going to be more of a bjtc and pissy on top of that. I have been doing overtime all this week which will be good considering I wont be here Monday. Because I have appointments for drs. Lovelyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Yeah… anyways my day was bland hope everyone else’s was good.

heheheeeeee

Well work has been interesting and long lived.. 700-800 pm two days more. Good god are they laxed at night. Freaken people are talking about and not really doing work go figure I am on break and I am asked what are you doing?:: EYEBROW raised ::

Besides that I had a huge amount of triage orders backed up from the night before that were not done. You have the team leader leaving and lol she has short timers. She claims she was sick. I am still recovering from surgery three weeks ago but I am here. :P

Then the test of my witts the manager she is a BJTC. I don’t use that lightly not only does she hate me for I am white, she also decides to rant about how I am not doing my job allowed to everyone about rx’s in folders I cannot find so I pass them to med records. BUT no she had to be loud and be really annoying a rude. I put in the righteous brothers and ignored her until I found my happy place again stared at Max’s picture and he wrote me back at that moment which was cool. So we chated and it was well worth it. Until I blanked out and something happened with the noises around me which we normally don’t have cleaners and things. I call it auto pilot. Whatever it was I was on it until the male with the annoying thingy noise maker left. So what is a BJTC? It is what I call the ball juggling thunder cu—and again I don’t use that politely or often. She thought I would back down and I said if I am not doing my job as you say then maybe I can leave now and you can deal with all this bull----. I looked at her like try me for I will leave. I growled and said you want me to for I will? She looked at me and was like no no no . I was like well shut the heck up and go back to your corner of the world and donot yell at me again for crap and you know it. She was quiet and did the ummm Yeah I pissed her off . She saw it in my eyes I know that.. She was calm for a moment until I went one step further. When I am angry I get really dark eyes. She has now seen it change three times..

Anyways after that mood breaker I had to find my happy again so what did I play? Corse bride then night mare bfore xmas then todd Sweeney sound track . Found my happy and then flirted away with Max. hehe

Anyways I am going to be seeing my ex tonight that was the last one I was engaged to. I am wondering why but we shall see what he is wanting. ::Eyebrow raised::

Well I have a date on Friday with this guy from the 2nd floor of our building . Does not work with our company and lol (tilts head) Man the gentleman is hottttttttttttttttttttt. He has blue eyes, some kind of black raveny hair and long, His name is Steven. I business person of some sort with the health club we have and he watched me at lunch writing and needless to say the man has tattoos. Meowy.. sex toy maybe???? lol Maybe not ..

Really not sure and he is probably half my age. I am not for dating half my age so we shall see… Oh we shall see… But hey it is a new experience and I am all about that… So we are going to a Peruvian restaurant and we shall see what happens. He was 6’7 and lol he is not from Florida. Hehe

So I saw my ex. Wow I am in shock nothing has changed on his end except I lost weight, more tattoos, longer hair and still work in hell. He made a t shirt for me and wanted to give it to me. It has the snail with a stick and it says I has a stick. He also had some of my books and I was surprised. He was thoughtful. He saw Leo ( my baby dog) and Leo was like my friendddddddddddddddddddddddddd. I looked and did the growl he missed him. He was so excited he would not eat dinner until he left. Thank the godsssss and then some. He wanted to see if we could be friends and so I was like yeah. So I guess it is a peace offering? Who knows.. It tweaked me out and well I am not sure what to think. Old thoughts came back and was not to sure why... I guess when you have a relationship for few years it takes you by surprise.

The old hurts and old ways and stuff that never changed.

Today already has been a day. Cindy went on a tie raid for her son’s grandparents are not respecting her. And I get this but good gods can we not talk about it every freaking day first thing in the morning. I am not a morning person and I will be honest with you hearing something first thing in the morning after I prayed and meditated and had no way of controlling it… Made me think god help me with this woman. I focus on positive stuff and I walk into her car and she is a ball of negativity oozing.



Anyways what is it to a man that a woman with tattoos is hot? I am not understanding this at all. I had a shirt on today that was yeah see thru on the arms and a guy looked at me like omg is that hot. It was like he was drooling. I said as he oogled at my tattoos are you okay he said to me with a huge grin. Woman you are so hot ! I said why thank you. He said are you single? I said at the moment I am taken. He said you are too hot not to be single. I looked at him like flattery is nice but come on now. He smiled and gave me his card. He said call me when you are available to date. I looked at him and said why? He said I would be you slave if you would be mine. I loooooveeeee a woman with tattoos. He asked me how many tattoos I had I said 11. He practically fainted. Lady you are so hot your boyfriend is lucky to have you. He said goodbye for he was on another floor. A guy from my floor smiled. I said what? He said you are hot it is a huge turn on for a guy to have a woman that is tattooed and foxy like you. I looked at him and said but you are gay. He said I would turn bi for you girl..I laughed and thought dang…. No one tells me this shit outside of work…. What the heck is it about work that I attract people there and not outside of it??? ::Shakes head::: So is it that I am unapproachable outside of work? Or is it men are that turned on by tattoos that they are willing to do stuff like that at work but not outside of it…



What makes a woman hot having tattoos? I normally don’t show them off actually for I think they are sacred to me and my body.. The only one that may stick out is the om symbol on my back of the neck… When I have a ponytail of course… I figured peaceful communications. Why not? LOL I miss my tattoo artist and cannot wait for the next one! (I have to wait another two weeks before I can get it for my surgeries knocked that out of wack..) My snow leopards on my leg. That is going to be cool lol. I love the turtle and whale tail one but again those are my totems and you cannot see them . Unless I was naked hehe. Nor the Nordic or Hindu one. Or the Buddhist ones, or the Egyptian ones… Muahaha so I am hot and I did not even know it. I love it. My ego got boosted highly today! It is great! Walk on the elevator and bam you get men googling over you. Hehe

Reality is so damn funny ! (eyebrow raised) Why can’t it always be that good???

Okay riddle me this… Porn bad or good addictive or not that is the question? A friend introduced me to red tube of which I had to look and see if it was any good or not and well I was like eh not much gets me. So lol I was like sure why not go to this site and check it out. Lol addictive as freakin hell. If I believed I was going to hell I would have. There are too many choices and mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn what the freakin crap is off the chain!

It is like a massive orgy online and you get to pick out the orgy lol shakes head…

Moving right along… work hmmm go figure… I go to work dodge the man that asked me out and almost dodged the married man. By this close tell you what it sucked for he asked again and I said hell frick nooooooooooooooo! I am not a two dollar whore nor am I into that weirdness. He was wanting it badly enough to beg me to do it and I said um no. You are married and I don’t do that….

Speaking of marriage….. While I am on this subject… What the frick is up with men who are married and yet do stuff like that??? I mean come on now . I get the whole married but open thing. Not my thing but some are successful with it. I don’t share well so I am not good with that… If I am his and he is mine. Simple as that mineeeeeeeeeeee..

I thought marriage is a sacred act between two people who are whole and love each other and want god’s blessings. I am not against it nor am I saying it is wrong but godddddddd people can you have a warning sign over your heads or something mannnnnnnnn. I don’t share… Simple as that… okay? Alright dang it ! I am not a toy less alone a woman of this nature thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Egads I have a date yet again for this Friday and I am not sure I can deal with this crap. The meat market thingy is abit unnerving and well I am not one for being eyed as a piece of meat. This one is David. Outside sales rep. Kinda odd kind of not. I could have sworn he was gay but hey okay not in the same area this is a doable thing. Maybe. I am seriously wondering why I am even going on another date when one was bad enough.

He is sweet and well I am not sure what the heck I was thinking when he said let’s go to the ale house.. Steak and ale I can deal with it. If worst case scenerio I get to see rugby with a guy lol Ehh I have to keep my mind off things and so I might as well go out. :P

okay well since I could not vent all the stuff that happened on firday. The date went well. Umm he was seriously mundane and well I was thinking about Max the whole time so I called my friend Jessie who is a big flirt. Got her to talk to Zack and well left cab wise...

Zack is a nice friend and coworker. I just cannot get focus on a man that likes to talk only about himself and well the whole dating thing was just ewwww. I had a better chance making a blood doll out of the waiter... The restraunt was lovely and yummy was the food but.. I am just not into a man that has a conversation about himself and nothing more..

eyeborw raised

Saturday was odd all away around.. I spoke to Simon my first blood doll and he said to me that online dating is just that. Sometimes it can be more. He said if Max had the balls to meet me he would never want me to leave. I did the ponder thing and I thought ego would love that but Max really inspires just more than the ego.. He is my friend and my muse and just dont understand why he cannot just feel how I feel.

Simon said he is afraid and I was like of what?? He said

he has never met someone like you nor will he ever again. He may feel like he would hurt you or he may be inlove with you and not know it. It happens... I spoke to Simon more on it but even he would not tell me what he saw. All he said was wait and something wonderful will happen. Something that you would not imagine could.

I hate when talks in tongues like that!!!!! Give me the straight answer. Don't pussy foot around and make me think for days on end. BLAH...

So today is employee appriecitation week. lol the good thing about this?? JEANS I can wear JEANS. Happy days are here at last.. muahaha I have jeans up the ying yang and well I even have some kippy looking kinds hehe.. So who knows I might just wear my peace symbol with skulls and hippified jeans one day this week. Today however it is my tiger t shirt the leave me the fuck alone t shirt. ::eyebrow raised:: Yeah I am grumpy hardly slept last night and dont know why..

I woke up on the hour every hour. ::Blinks::

yummy...

What the frick is wrong with the world today? One of my best friends who is married.... Literally asked me if I could be his birthday present? I am surprised that he handle it in a matter of fact way... My wife is finding out if she can get a woman for me for my birthday. I was wondering if I could have you as my birthday present.

One I dont do married men

two I am not into sharing

three I am sooooooooooooo not going to sleep with my best friends husband so he can satisfy a need. WHATeverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

freaken human

He said she would pay me

I said I am not a personal whore.

He said I did not mean it like that.

I looked at him and said it sure sounds like it.. thanks for thinking about that...

growlsssssssssssss

So work is stressful more then ever. Since management has given our people to other places. Then in our area of central auth we have a lack of people and well it is not a happy sight that is for sure. Three people down and now they are stretching all of us really thin go figure.

So a friend Zack got co work of the year and all the manager’s cheered for him and did this really embarrassing cheer to him. After he got red and such he came up to me and smiled and asked so when are we hanging out? I asked hanging out? He smiled and said hang out and go out on a date. I did the hmm the boy has balls of steel since he was on a cheered kick. I said sure what would you like to do? He said go out to dinner if you do not mind. I said okay what time? He said 900pm? He smiled and said in his southern drawl now my day is picture perfect. I said why? I got an award of being the best of the best in my area and I am going out with the most beautiful woman in all of workers comp. I looked at him and got red in the face. He said don’t get shy on me now. I said all of worker’s comp ? You really are on some high. He said yes I am . ( proudly) Well will go get drinks at the ale house and go to the steak house afterwards.



Something happened with Max and me last night. He was not happy with something I said and would not tell me what I said and did that made him upset. I called him thin and knew I could break him in bed and out drink him. Looking at pictures as he showed me. I was trying to be playful but he took it wrong. I think he got offended by this or it could be when he showed me his blonde (hair once he had to die it for a shoot) I was stun. He looks like sawyer off lost. I just did not see that as my Max is all and it was umm scary to see a man that is him but looked like nothing I was used to. I shivered it off for that is how freaked out I was. He got upset again. So I decided to show him a picture of me that was when I was 400 pounds. I am loosing weight for I want to be a size 18. So I figured this may ease his mind. But no he said I was still beautiful. I did the ummmm this man was seriously taking my breathe away. For he said that and I as really embarrassed to show the picture. So for me it was a big deal and he took it as I was still beautiful. I guess he is a better person then I am when it comes to looks. For I like how he looks naturally and I think he is beautiful inside then outside. Which makes me love him more is all for the body is just a perk. It is the vehicle to the soul. And well I am smitten with the soul and heart and brain. But I think I pissed him off because I did not react the same he did.

I apologized to him for my shortcomings but he really too it to heart. I ruined his happy mood for some reason.

Shez he ruined mine for telling me he had fun with a friend and such so I was like ok. Really did n’t need to know about his sexual encounter and all. Though well he is now getting too honest. Are we supposed to talk about stuff like that? It made me think this online dating thing is harder than I thought. I get why he wanted to do it. But I am seriously not wanting to be with anyone nor do I have the urge to. But I guess I must start dating in order to deal with this better. For my heart sank so dark last night I was not happy. So dating real live dating umm yeah that is a subject I really don’t want to get into right now for I am not into the meat market thing. Picking a sexmate down here would be stupid for most men cannot keep my libido active so okay what do I do?

I am not sure yet… ehhh I am going larping on Saturday and pondering life another day. I am not into this whole thought pattern right now. For I think I was actually jealous and I was not happy about that…

I wish I could just return to being innocent at this point for I would never have felt that and I surely would not have felt the darkness I did last night… I know this.. Being a born again virgin would be great not know not caring and well not having to worry about aids and crap like that… I mean who wants that? I surely don’t.

I feel a loneliness that is not making me feel this darkness and though I love the companionship with Max will it turn into anything more? Only he can answer that…

So at this time I just need to calm my wits about me and not Snarl. Growl or want to be with him in the sense I really do want to be with him. I have to make sure that this is allowed and then I can date whomever I want. I just have no clue about rules and things of this kind and the computer world is way too new for me. I have to say I can write but to actually understand all these terms of more modern society welllllll. I am not one for that. Not knowing where I stand and where to go from there.

My assumption is I can date other people and will be doing that tonight Zack and I are going to hang out get drunk and de stress from the world of Workers comp world. Zack asked what I was doing and I was like nothing after work sooooooooo why the heck not go on a date and enjoy the company of a male. He is not a blood doll, but a mundane and well I can deal with that. But hey I get drinks and bloody meat muahaha. I am always up for that food…that is bloody….He is cute but not ummm worthy of more then a meal.

(vain) LOL no just honest a southern does not impress me at all and if he can impress me then that is great but it won’t happen. 

On that happy note getting ready to wow the masses in a dark way woohoo. I think I will wear my green and black outfit. WEG

Zack’s manager who hits on me regularly saw the interaction. Now that man is vain and he thinks for he is British and has an ascent that I am easily smelted. Lol if I was my sister yeah maybe.. But not really impressed with him and he was not gentleman like at all.

He came up to me and asked why I would date Zack and not him. I said you are a management team member and you can have anyone in this room why do you push the issue? He said who is this then looking at Max’s picture. I said he is my boyfriend and he is open minded to Zack you not so much. You assume I am going to date you for you are considered a hottie. You are not. Your personality is like a brick wall.. So have your choice of the others and enjoy. He said so tell me what I need to do to get a date with the only one I am interested in. I looked at him and was quiet. You can’t always get you want now can you? He got closer and said but I always get what I want. I said whatever and walked away

Great googley moogley!

Today has been a day that I would rather not chance and not go thru this again today. It is not fair or right but heck it is happening.. Our tl is leaving for a new life and moving to a new job. We have her for a week left and our manager looked directly at me while she was saying this for she was going to be out and has seniority over us and then would be me. I looked at her like you need to take that up with Corey not me. I like what I am doing. He kisses ass all day let him do that… I know that sounds catty but I really don’t want more responsibility and no new pay .I don’t care if I am more knowledgable I don’t want to go there and be the next one in line. I realized that this work is a job not my career and though I stay here for the time being I like my job. I can ignore people all day long with my head phones and be a smart ass to management. Being one of the management? ROFL umm not doing it.

I am not willing to change my schedule around either. I like my 800-430 pm shift. :P

Growls they better not change me to that.!

I had a smoothie for lunch . dang it was it good. Seeing stars…It is called the dirty peanut.

Spoke to Corey and he told me has a special project working in dme soon and still so this is another triage person down. We already are lack of staff and need two new people for the people that were taken away from us and yet lol they are making us do other depts jobs and we are literally 100 orders behind. Are they going to give us a new subject matter expert I guarantee that it is not going to happen. I am not holding my breathe on that. So a shadow covers are mini dept and we are seriously hurting for people.

I guess I am letting the darkness cover me for they are trying to bring up morale by having an ice cream social instead of new people and new money to us. Shezzzzzzzz they are seriously making me sick to my tummy. The fact that I saw a rental pirate statue for a week to cheer us up and then they moved it and really thought umm yeah way to boost morale get them a state you have to share with all the other floors. Lol what the freak ever…

I get the impression that I have lost my happy and wow I need to get in my happy before it is too late

Positive aspects of today

• I had a smoothie for lunch

• Cindy took me to work

• A gay guy at work said I am in love with you! I want to marry you. I laughed and said umm that would mean you aren’t gay as you claim. He said oh honey I am gay but damn your chest is fabulous. We would have to have an open marriage for I like men. I said I like men too. WEG he said wow.. You had two men? One was gay and one was bi the gay one turned bi by the time I was done with them… muhahaha. He looked at me and said welllllllllll let me know when you want to marry. I said I have a line on that sweetie thanks though…

• Max’s picture deterred two men hitting on me

So today was a really weird day but hey it is alllllllllllllll good I am home and calm thank goddess and god.

I had three hours of sleep for I could not go to sleep and well I see myself going to bed early considering I bailed out on my friends party for my body is sore and achy from the fibro and my head aches from other issues of work. I was just grateful to get the heck out of dodge and relax. I took a shower which was relaxing I started my mala beads and calmed down more in a meditative state of mind if you would.. Sighs

has the ac blaring for the weather here is humid and really icky.



So I went to get my pictures developed of Micah's birthday gave a copy to Cindy and she was really grateful. Speaking of pictures hehee my online partner sent me one and so I sent it two friends who had printers of color coping kind. Lol Cindy kept the paper from Josie. For my other friend turned it into a real picture and put it in a frame. So I took it work for the man is going to my protection from stupid beasties at work. :)



Max is the one who wanted it that way the online dating thing the coworkers don't have to know muhahaahaa and I am all new to it so this is a new thing to me altogether. But Max is now not only my protector or deflector of silly humans of the co worker management kind it also brought a smile to my face a new muse if you would when I actually heard Cindy say I m borrowing your boyfriend and he is now mine too. hehe. I said oh? She said yep. I framed the paper copy and he is on my desk what a cool thing you must say thank you for me. I snickered and said I would..



A strange occurrence happened today. I was tired and well by 430 pm hit I was ready to run out from the abyss of workers comp land. However, my cab came on time and everything went according to plan. Which never happens. I take a cab I wait for the cab, then I wait for the traffic and then I wait for the lights so I can get home. Yes a 20.00 ride but hey it beats the bus system totally. So I got home just in time for a next store neighbor issue. The couple I thought so strange and would never marry for they argue way to much was literally arguing for the last time and broke it off in front of me. Jessie moved out and so did David and yet he owns a house now without his beloved. Which is weird they have been together for two years and yet all I know of them is fighting and arguing and such over stupid shit no less. Plus they had more animals then space. So David has a back yard and took all the animals out of the apartment and wow all I could think was damn that was not only a waste of time for them both but he is now stuck with a mortgage and she told me she went back to being gay. She asked if I would be interested and I was red in the face. I said I thank you for ummm asking me that and I am flattered but you just got out of a two year relationship and I am not looking for a woman. She is like why not? I said because I know I like men over women. I tried it for I thought I was and it turned out I was sooooooooooooooo into men. I am just a tom boy and a lot of women think that is butch down here. So needless to say she moved sort of peacefully and it was just weird all away around..



Meanwhile my friend whose birthday was today asked if I wanted to go clubbing. I said girl I love you as a sister and you know I would be there if one I was not in pain and two I lack the sleep I need to regenerate from the mess of a day I had. She said why what happened I said my next store neighbor’s girlfriend or shall I say ex girlfriend is now back into girls and she asked me out. ::blinks:: She laughed hard for she sees this occurrence all the time with us hanging out and all. She said yeah you never noticed the women who were friendly to you. I said um nooooooooooooo. She said lol they think you are gay for you are too strong to be a natural born goddess. She snickered and said heck if I had that gift where both sides hit on me I would be bi so I could do both. Then I pondered other occurrences and she was right. My draw dropped. I am give off some vibe that men and women hit on me. ::blinks::



I am not dating one man right now for I like being single. Why? I had a boyfriend the last one was 2 years most of it was babying a man who was older then me and barely had sex. He was more just a friend than a boyfriend. He is still a dear friend but I realized about being locked into staying in a relationship that lacks the courage to move forward and to grow and to express our feelings. I am never doing that again.. EVER. Settling is not happening.

I want a relationship that is 50/50 I want a man who can be a man and be my rock so I can cry and be a woman and my mate and my friend and lover. Why? If you aren’t attracted to a person it kills a relationship. If there is only passion there is not love. So I have learned I am worth having what I want in a male mate. I want a man who can romance me and love me for me. I want a man who brings out my classic goddess and I want a snuggle partner who is not afraid to just talk and snuggle in bed and not do anything but communicate. My other half is not what will make me whole but is already whole and wants a oneness on all levels body mind soul and emotions. So I am looking forward to this mate whenever he shows. I look forward to laughing and enjoying life together and really taking life in.

Lol what are the physical attributes you ask? Soulful eyes that he is taller than me and has a smile that can wow me. Yep that is it. The body is a perk it is the inside that means more to me. ehhh okay back to what ever you were doing lol I am done with venting...

LOL well my day was interesting

heehee

I got to work and deck out a coworker/ friend that I hang out with and did her desk for her birthday. I got balloons and giftys and candy and made her desk uplifted since her birthday is tomorrow and she is off. The sad thing is her coworkers which I used to hang out with and worked with do not do anything for birthdays and the new manager does not even acknowledge it. How sad it is for they were moved and told they were part of this new group and no one did a damn thing for her. So when people came by they were jealous and thought dang what makes her so special so I am glad I went with my gutt and did something to make someone's day.. She said people all day were like damnnnnnnnn wow you know silly things like that. I hope she enjoyed the attention and she did. Hehe

After work I went to my friends area of town and she is seriously preggies. six months preggies and she is having a girl. I was stund. hehe Why out of all my friends who are married and such she is the only one that did nt want children for she felt she could not do it. She is learning and well with help of her other half they are making waves of new baby marks. The husband is well excited and scared as she is. She is happy though and that is incredible! So she had a wonderful showing of inside the tummy view pictures and such. We went to wasbi's and ate yummy food and then we went bead shopping. :D omg fun beads and gemstone beads and wooden beads and bones bead and glass beads and tools and such. lol it was bead heaven. The thing however out of all of it was in the back. I have been toting a bag ( night mare before xmas tote) for about a year now and yeah it is not soooooooooo professional looking.. But it keeps people away from me is all I can say..

So anwyays they have bags and wowwwwwwwwwwwwww it is lounguefly!!!!!!!!! I have not seen that since NYC which is about 3 years now. wow that sucks anyways I got myself a bag with grey and white skulls and a wallet to match. LOL

So the bag is professionally acceptible and I am a lol

So I am now a very happy kitty human..

hehe does the happy dance.....

1. Only in America......can a hot pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.



2. Only in America ......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.



3. Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



4. Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a 'diet' coke.



5. Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.



6. Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the

garage.



7. Only in America ......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.



8. Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.



9. Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.



10. Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Well today was Micah's birthday. A four year and we went to a place called Ollie Koala's. Okay it was a huge place for kids. You walk in and there are parents and kids zipping around like hmmm kids of sugar rushes. lol anyways I tried to blend and I tried to be there for this once in a life time thing.

::shakes it off:::

I don't mind kids, children, whatever, but when it comes to a sugar high and games and lights and nosies and squeels of kids running like freaks I tend to find a corner and watch from afar. Of which I did. Micah loved the gifts he got from everyone. But he wore mine as soon as he got it. I got him bubbles and toys and a dvd but I also got him an agate turtle. For he is an old soul and I felt he needed stable thoughts and patterns if you would since the little guy has gone thru alot in his short life.

So I am proud to say my gift was something he likes alot more then deigo or veggie tales, or even his Labrynth movie hehe::of which I got him hooked on and he is still hooked:: Muhahaha So all went well I thought for the most part.

I just need to have a stiff drink many break out the port tonight for wow if tricks are for kids... I am sooooooooooo sticking to my animals since they dont talk back.. ::blinks::

Well today has been eventful. I made incense for myth mirth and more. I am making different lines for gods

Greek and Rome, Celtic, Orishas,Egyptain, Nordic, and Hindu. It is amazing how long it took but I got all of them. Done. My kitchen smells like a huge woodys incense area but heck it is well worth it. I have to package it and then pass it to my friend Shauna to labeled.



Before that I went to the office to talk to the people about the 2 month vacate thing. I asked her what the cost was and how in the state of Florida it is 30 days and yet here it is 60 days and we are in Florida the lady ignored my question altogether and I was just like this was the same bitch that I spoke to over the phone last night and indeed it was. I was just like fook off and die look. She said how long are you staying? I said until the lease is done now. Since your company has something different in looking people into stuff. I looked at her and said politely I need the pricing and I want it in writing thanks. If I have people calling I best have no issues with your company telling them lies and shit understood. She looked at me and smiled with fear in her eyes for I was not happy with the bullshit she pulled.

I am abit annoyed today. I had gone tothe office where I am renting is not only over in june they have a 2 month vacate notice? What the bloody hell? I tried to find the renting place for this month and well after I found that out I realized that I am screwed so I am stuck in this apartment complex for another month. Fineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee basterds.

I have to get there to office and sign a vacate form. blah that means I have to go and deal with humans..

blah..

it is one of my comfort foods and made it today for the first time in a long time. The smell went thru the air and Leo actually even wagged his tail for he was like heckkkkk yaaaaa mama's baking the goooddddd stuff. His tail was wagging away sniffing the air. As soon as I took it out of the oven he was there .

Then I cut it and buttered it down he got up and looked with his puppy dog eyes like heyyyyy where is mine? The forces of nature never showed me that rightttttt my dog just knows he can sneak a yummy by not begging but I am cute look at me face. So he got it and was looking for more so he ate four pieces of bread happily..

He was too cute not to give it to him..

I opened my boxes for mary kay stuff. Yeah I do it on the side . I love it they came out with all new minreal makeup so it is matte finish and light weight and breatheable so I went to get new make up for myself and wow what a difference it is. It is fabulous and wow they were not joking how flawless the finish is. It is yummy and I am excited again in the business at least.



Ahhh I am a girlie when it comes to make up. Why? I did plus size modeling awhile ago and well I know I look good in make up and all. The thing though is not to over do it but make your features look better or more defined and sooo many people just dont get that. Like for example there is a woman in my work she is my size but wowie she does not lower the volume on how she looks nor feels. Whatever the case I have a lot of fun looking who likes to play with make up and who does not. Why for you can tell who knows they are beautiful and those who are not. I go for the ones that may say not to the make up and see what they say. For they look good and feel good afterwards. Why go for people who like make up and such when it is more rewarding to inspire the person fully and show them the beauty I see.

:)

Well Roger and I looked all over the city today and put appilcations in for a new apartment we have a month before we are to find a new home so we are searching now. I am hoping to move back into riverside for it is cheapier and less crime all together. So we shall see. :)

Other then that I went to the ocean and looked at the beach full of people and just basked in positive awe of it...

I love how it always affects me much like the moutnains when I hiked in bear mountain in NY. It is calming and relaxing and no one can take the feeling away from you when soothed...

Today has been a weird but neat day. The drs said yes to not needing the antibiotics anymore thank goddess.. So my body is healing faster then they were thinking ...

My snow leopards tattoo is happening next week. Muhahahahaha



Hung out with my friend Roger we went pagan store incense shopping lol and candle making stuff so I can make some witchy stuff..

Ms D did a candle for him for he needs to get out of the money squeeze he is in. She did also one for me for a new apartment. I could feel her prayers flow when she prayed it was waves of positive energy.



Then went to wallie world and they had aristocats on dvd so I got it for Micah with bubbles, flash cards for abc's and 123's to stuff the rest of his birthday bag. LOL dang thing is packed for a 4 year old child that I had . I got him this huge bear for he is having issues sleeping in his own bed which was my whole intent originally. But then I saw this turtle agate pendant that has a nice rope necklace. So the little guy is going to have fun and growth too. Since he is going to school this year I figured there needs to be fun things but tools too for it. So he is this adorable child that Cindy a coworker of mine has had on her own for the father decided to be a prick and a psycho. I am not saying all men are dead beat dads this one horrifies me daily... So the child needs lots of giftys..



Then I got home lol wow what a day.. Cleaned the home, burned some dragons blood and soaked in the yummy smells… Burned a healing candle for the patients that asked for prayers in the prayer box and it seems to be more positive then before… I enjoyed the flow of energy and movement.