The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Phone Menu at the Mental Health Institute



Hello, and thank you for calling the Mental Health Institute



If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly



If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3 and 4.



If you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, press 5 but do it v-e-r-y- s-l-o-w-l-y and carefully.



If you are dyslexic, press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6.



If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.



If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8.



If you have schizophrenia, listen very carefully and a small voice will tell you the number to press.



If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.



If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press a number for you.



If you are depressed, don't bother to press any numbers. No one will be able to help you anyway.



If you are paranoid, you don't need to press anything. We know who you are, we know what you want, and we know how to reach you.



If you suffer from low self-esteem, please hang up because all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

COMMENTS

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PAGAN
14:35 Jul 25 2010

brilliant

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VAMPIREBONNIE
14:44 Jul 25 2010

This is the best one I have read in ages !

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A Fairytale For The Assertive Woman Of The 2000's



Once upon a time,

in a land far away,

A beautiful, independent,

self assured princess,

happened upon a frog as she sat

contemplating ecological issues

on the shores of an unpolluted pond

in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap

and said:

" Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome Prince,

until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however,

and I will turn back

into the dapper, young Prince that I am

and then, my sweet, we can marry

and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother,

where you can prepare my meals,

clean my clothes, bear my children,

and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."



That night,

on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs

seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,

she chuckled to herself and thought:



"I don't think so!"

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."



"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"



"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"



"Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"



"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"



"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."



"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."



"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"



"Darn, there go the lights again...."



"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."



"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"



"Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."



"What's this doing here?"



"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?"



"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."



"Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."



"Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?"



"What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"



"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"



"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."



"Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."



"This patient has already had some kids, right?"



"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"



"Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough."



"FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!"



"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

Love, Lust and Marriage



Love: When you take a bubble bath together

Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together

Marriage: When you give the kids a bath



Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two

Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"

Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go



Love: Giving your love some candy

Lust: Thinking you are the candy

Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet



Love: Sex every night

Lust: Sex 5 times a night

Marriage: What's sex?



Love: A night out at the symphony

Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn

Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice



Love: French perfume

Lust: Brut aftershave

Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."



Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold

Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."

Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets



Love: Talking and cuddling

Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep

Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .



Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room

Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room

Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room



Love: Long drives through the countryside

Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout

Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

Things I learned from my mother



1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."



2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."



3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"



4. My mother taught me about LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."



5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."



6. My mother taught me about IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."



7. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."



8. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."



9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"



10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."



11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"



12. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."



13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."



14. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"



15. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."



16. My mother taught me about ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you'll be cold?"



17. My mother taught me about HUMOR.

"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."



18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."



19. My mother taught me about GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."



20. My mother taught me about WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.



21. My mother taught me about SHARING.

" I’m going to give you a piece of my mind!"



22. My mother taught me about FEAR.

"One day you'll have a child who'll do the same things to you."

Just found out recently that my baby brother finally proposed to his long time girlfriend. They are just such a cute couple. Someone needs to keep that brother of mine in line. They are both big hunters and love to fish, so they are just perfect for each other. I am sure when they set a date we will be making a trip to Ny for a wedding. Here is a pic of the two of them lol

COMMENTS

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VAMPIREBONNIE
15:56 Jul 19 2010

lol...perfect couple :)

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LadyDarkRayne
16:18 Jul 19 2010

ya my brother the ham, hell he is even taller then b lol but Katie is a real sweetheart her and my brother got hit by a drunk driver on the way home from my parents house last thanksgiving and she is now just starting to not feel any pain right now.

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Say this status message on face book this morning and it actually made me laugh... wish I had told this to my ex.



You were so lucky to have had me in your life, that if you were to get punched in the face lucky charms would fly out your ass.