The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Would rather move to the States
19:13 Nov 17 2008
Times Read: 691




So I'm sitting here...again...wishing to hell I could be with my husband. Where to go? Canada..the US?? Canada has better healthcare plans. Canada has better schools. Canada has a lower crime rate.



The US has better bread! I'm sitting here eating a peanut butter sandwich...trying to absorb the codeine in our Canadian aspirin!....and thinking: I really like the soft, always fresh, American bread. Why is ours always so "firm"??? Shouldn't a peanut butter sandwich be squishy by definition???



But seriously..what do I do more often? Go to the doctor's?? Or eat a freakin' sandwich?



Don't even get me started on utilities...at $500 per month average. Yup. I want to move to the States. Get me the HELL out of here!

Fish & Chips and Poignancy
22:28 Nov 15 2008
Times Read: 698




The oldest daughter is in Toronto. The youngest went to her friend's house for the night. Just me and the 8 yr old twins. So..perfect night for fish & chips. While eating dinner, Hunter tells me that his Daddy said they're getting a Wii for Christmas. Liam pipes in with the games they're going to get: Rock Band, Guitar Hero, etc. I mention that that's a pretty expensive Christmas gift.



Hunter says, "Maybe that's Daddy's way of saying sorry for leaving us."



Sigh.

And the weekend is upon me
22:54 Nov 14 2008
Times Read: 705




So the weekend is here. Big deal! I'm here with the kids. He didn't come home. I mean, I kind of understand that certain things can't be rushed. But then, I don't see the urgency on his part (ie.. "Well, he didn't call me back but I didn't call him either. For all I know, he wasn't in at work today.")



So he'll get to do whatever the hell he does on his own and I'll be here, playing mommy and housekeeper. The twins ask if he'll be home in another week. All they got back was no...but soon. And here I was really kind of hoping for this weekend. I can't get a "date"...just soon. I think the issue is just that he has other things of import (like the Holly Festival) and it's easier for him to stay in the US. Mind you, it's not easier for me...or the children. But as long as it makes his life easier, I'm supposed to be cool with it.



I hate my life.

The Vacation of a Lifetime which may take a lifetime to get over
06:30 Nov 12 2008
Times Read: 713




Well, I have been stressed, repressed and depressed, abandoned, ignored and generally had to take a leave of absence from work due to stress at home.



My father has invited (demanded!) I take a month long vacation to his home in Durban, South Africa...without the kids, without anybody. He is now demanding I leave in the next couple of weeks to make it home before Christmas (since I do have 5 kids to provide a Christmas for). I can't go in January...because my sister is going in January. I can't go in February..he has more friends coming in February. So I'm basically the one that has to work around other's schedules. Funny thing is? When I tell him that I have no one to watch the kids at this time, he tells me to dump them at their father's house, their grandparents' house (both of which do not live in Canada..they live in the US..so would make going to school out of the question and they're only EIGHT!) as he says I have to stop putting myself last and let other people rearrange their lives for me! (This apparently is only the case when it suits him)



I'm trying to reconcile with the husband. I'm trying to distribute a small windfall to use (hopefully) for immigration to the US and now? I'm going to "destress" in a place I don't want to be at a time I don't want to be there. While I have to worry about whether or not the older two have killed each other and if the twins are being watched at all. Plus..coming home, terribly jetlagged, a few days before Christmas and somehow being ready for it.



Have I mentioned I hate my life? I hate being tugged and pushed and bullied. But? Daddy still scares the living fuck out of me. And if I don't go there?? He will come here. And that would be much MUCH worse. Sigh.

Ratings Confusion
04:30 Nov 06 2008
Times Read: 729




So I don't get the whole ratings thing unless someone spills out guidelines in their profiles. I look at a profile that says nothing more than: If you wanna know, ask me. No quote. No pic of either the person or something they yanked from the web...nothing. And the ratings?? 10, 10, 10



Yet someone who has stuff actually IN their profile?? 2, 3 (don't like the pictures..or too much humour..or not enough humour...or whatever).



Now I understand that some of this is subjective: You don't like Slipknot music or you don't like classical. Whatever. What I have the issue with is the 8, 9 or 10 (mainly 10!) rating for "Wanna know. Then ask me." 10 is perfect. The perfect profile. Perfect for what? It's visually enhanced nihilistic approach with no pictures, no background, no jokes...hell..not even a quizz! Or for how many hours went in to the thoughtful creation of the profile (exactly 10.2 seconds) Wonderful, perfect 10 for having the commitment, interest and attention span of a flea?? Or perhaps the 10 is because in the most simplistic terems "wanna know..just ask" is the ultimate telling of this person? We feel we know him/her. We know that they don't care about themselves to even ATTEMPT to describe who they are for other people who may be looking for just THEM. Well, if you don't care, neither do I. A one upon all your houses!



Now, I wouldn't rate mine a 10, but it has a few pics, a brief description of who I am and it took me some time to do. I've made corrections and modifications. It's no where near some of the fantastical and fanatical profiles I've barely seen. I say barely because the font is deep purple or green or burgundy or blue against a black background rendering it unreadable without highlighting the text..or is behind such elaborate backgrounds that they can't be read.



For those? I give a 9 with an explanation that it seems original, well thought out, informatory...if I could only read it to be informed.



Rant on rates is done.

To Tom:
05:25 Nov 02 2008
Times Read: 732

I would email but you wouldn't respond. I would call but you are always away from your cell phone and don't check your msgs. I would text you but I've received nothing back.



I am really uncertain as to what is going on. A month ago, you came on like gangbusters for reconciliation. You pleaded and promised and acted all out of character. I was guarded. It was so out of character that I thought it was unreal. You backed off and let me find my way back to trust.



And then? It all started with Aaron. Have to build a stage with Aaron. Have to go to a show with Aaron. Have to spend a weekend I could have seen my wife and children away to go to back to back GWAR shows with Aaron. Now this weekend? A mere week away from our anniversay weekend?? Hell! Two days away from our 8th anniversary? No where to be found.



No one knows where you are. You've disappeared off radar. You haven't called your sons all week...they've located you. You've been indisposed all week for one reason or another. I received an email where you told me that you realized we were soon going to be together..that iw as real and you freaked. I thought you meant that in a good way. But you freaked while you disappeared.



When you fucked off last weekend, I lost a lot of trust again. Is this how you are to gain it back? Your boss thinks you went out of town early Friday. Steve has not heard from you since Wednesday. So just what are you doing?? You said you would be helping Kristy on Friday. Where did you go?



First off, I could barely get a hold of you Halloween. Finally at 6:30, you spoke to your sons. Tom, they're only 8 yrs old. How long can you go on disappointing them? Hunter asked if you wanted to speak to Mommy and you must have said no because he then said, "Daddy said he'll meet you online in 10 minutes." I didn't hear from you until 9:30 with a brief IM of "On the phone with AT&T re: connectivity. I'll talk to you in 15 minutes." Now that was almost 28 hours ago.



I just don't understand this. Are we supposed to be total strangers and then you pack up a car and show up here to live again? I mean..it's almost been a year. Or is the anniversary weekend supposed to heal old AND new wounds and you come home the weekend thereafter?



I know there's no point in contacting your parents. You tell them less than you tell me.



Do you have any idea how humiliating it was for me to call your work number after trying to get a hold of you for 16 hours and being told that you went out of town and left early Friday? I was embarrassed saying I was your wife and was looking for you. Howard sounded so unsure of what to say...like he had let some cat out of some bag. I thought, at first, that you had lied to him. You said you had some things to do for Kristy on Halloween so I figured perhaps it was an excuse to work...going away for the weekend. I hope you didn't tell them you were going with me because if so, I blew your lie at work.



None of your friends have heard from you, including Kristy and Steve...not since Wednesday. So what was this story you made up about Kristy? It seems to me you DID go out of town and figured you could hide the fact by being online on your laptop or phone....and that's what the AT&T call was all about..no connectivity from wherever the hell you are. Out of range? Is that why no calls are being picked up? Dead cell phone? Does it matter?



I actually thought of driving over to your apartment with Janis but it dawned on me: you really AREN'T home. Oh, look. Duffy just went offline at 1 am. Does that mean you HAVE been getting msgs all along?

Another night alone
15:08 Nov 01 2008
Times Read: 739




Yes, it's true. Every night is alone. I'm approaching the one year anniversary of separation (11/26/07). It seems that the further apart we get, the more he wants me. The closer a reconciliation is, the further away he goes.



10 minutes...just 10 minutes. The 10 minute rule expires after an hour. I am not even sure what will happen in 2 weeks. The thing I've been pushing for occurred. It's time to make a decision:



Reunite in Canada.

Reunite in the US.

Don't reunite at all.



What's it going to be, boy? C'mon, I can wait all night. What's it going to be, boy? Yes or no?

Ups and Downs
01:22 Nov 01 2008
Times Read: 694




How can everything be so up and down within a span of 1 week?? The "I love yous" with the devotions and then nothing. For days on end it's either feast or famine.



How can one person be so totally volatile? How can emotions be so far apart? Hot and cold. Up and down. WTH?



I would rather be all or nothing. I can't stand the rollercoaster, the merry-go-round...any number of kiddie rides. I'm too old for this shit.



I guess maybe this is where I was at a decade ago?? I don't think so though. Even then, I knew what I wanted and was determined to see it through. I can't stand anymore childish games.



But..that could be what he's experiencing on his side of the fence. Perhaps there's another who is his age or younger who cannot make up her mind? I have no idea. It's hard to go on faith and trust after a year of separation and over a decade of "mistruths".