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it suddenly occured to me that i'm still alive. how the hell did that happen?



i wonder how many of the other mes are alive? i believe in parallel universes, and that for every decision we make, we make a different decision in another world.



like, in one universe i took the opportunity to be a singer in a rock band, in another i decided to stay in Syston - and died a couple of weeks later.



I've been close to death many times - almost died when i was a kid, electrocuted when i was in my twenties, pneumonia when i was in my thirties, heart attack when i was in my forties.



Did something happen when i was in my teens? possibly - i don't remember much, most of that decade was a blur. i vaguely recall being rather self destructive, and pretty pissed off that i couldnt die. hmmmm. i fell hard against a tree when thrown from a horse - totally surprised that i came out with nothing more than a nosebleed (odd, coz i didnt bang my nose). almost fell off a cliff, but was blown back by a gust of wind - that was lucky. not dying of alcohol poisoning was pretty amazing too.



so far nothing has happened in my fifties - but i kinda get the feeling this time i wont dodge the bullet.



oh - i also accidentally stabbed myself and almost bled to death during an ambulance strike in my twenties. and i was on a ferry that got hit by a force nine hurricane whilst i was on the deck. how i survived my twenties i dont know.



As far as i can remember, an incredibly strong will to survive pulled me through most of the time. now i am tired and in pain. i dont think i have that will anymore. i think next time i'll just lie back and let the reaper take me.

COMMENTS

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EyesLikeTunnels
01:59 Jun 18 2013

Life is resilient and once the first life came into being, however that may have happened beside the point, I don't believe all life will ever truly become extinct. Life is a survivalist it will always find a way. You are just another example of unlikely circumstances that allowed life to be born, and refuses now to die.

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POST COMMENT

Why am I the way I am?



I've tried to track back to my childhood to pick out deciding moments.



Why do I love cobwebs and spiders for instance?



When i was little my parents used to punish me (for anything petty - just any excuse really) by locking me in the cupboard under the stairs. it was dark, but never pitch black because some light would filter through from the fish tank.



It was quite scary though, and i remember screaming because it was full of spiders and cobwebs. my mother knew i was scared of spiders because she was terrified of them herself - so it delighted her to punish me this way (gives you an idea what sort of person she is).



But then I suddenly stopped and thought. Why was I scared of spiders? I realised that my fear was nothing more than a reaction to the fear my mother and grandmother always displayed when they saw a spider. I realised it was their fear, not mine. I looked closely at the big spider near the fish tank, sitting in its web, and realised that it was actually quite beautiful. Their webs are delicate exquisite constructions that are actually very beautiful - like the finest lace ever woven. After a while, i began to regard the spiders as company in the isolation of the dark cupboard, and since then I have admired spiders rather than fear them. To the extent that now i cannot bear to harm a spider even accidentally. Whenever i saw a spider in the bath or sink, i would try to rescue it - and still do.



Only a couple of months ago i was a little distressed because whilst i was in the shower, a couple of spiders dropped onto my head, and almost drowned.



There are several other instances in my childhood where i turned a fear into a love - something peculiar in my mentality that i am able to do this, when other members of my family cannot. My mother still fears spiders, and my father still fears snakes.



I'm not sure about bees and wasps - I don't recall ever being afraid of them. certainly when i was a toddler i was stung many times, yet it never stopped me from playing with bees.



Skulls are another example. Though it took longer to eradicate that fear.



My grandmother kept a dog skull at the bottom of the stairs. i remember it was quite heavy, so maybe it was ceramic and not real. I recall it looked like a stone and felt cold to the touch. I was told it was a dog skull, but i guess it could have been any long faced animal - more likely a sheep or a pig (my grandfather used to be a farm labourer). it always gave me a chill to look at it, and seemed synonymous with death.



When I was about nine or ten we visited a waxwork museum, and one ghoulish exhibit featured a coffin with a hand trying to get out (it was depicting the horrors of premature burial). there was an animated (mechanical) monk-like figure playing an organ, and Bach's Toccata in fugue was being piped over on speakers. There was a mirror set on the organ, and as the figure swayed to one side I saw that its hands were skeletal, and I saw the face reflected in the mirror was a grinning skull!



it absolutely terrified the shit out of me, and I ran from the exhibit screaming like a girly. I felt as if Death himself was looking at me. for years after that, i got chills up and down my spine whenever i heard Toccata. in fact, i still do get a bit of a chill when i hear it.



A year or so later I decided to conquer my fear of the dark and the supernatural by embracing it. I developed a fascination for horror movies and horror stories. Eventually my appreciation of the beauty of the human skull overcame any fears i had.



Well that explains some of my goth nature. As for dark colours - I'm not sure. I've always loathed yellow, but loved reds and purples. I can't remember ever not liking black.



As for Witchcraft and the Supernatural - well being connected with the supernatural world (a family trait inherited from my Mothers side) I've always had one foot in the nether realm, so it is not something I could ever ignore or deny. I was mostly afraid of ghosts as a child (except for the one on the wall who used to tell me stories), but again i conquered the fear by overwhelming it with an interest in the subject.



I turned to Witchcraft at about thirteen. As a child I had been very religious, but by the time I was about eleven or twelve I realised that something was wrong. I couldn't sense God in any way - when I prayed I was talking to myself, and churches were just empty places. I stopped believing, but felt i still needed something spiritual in my life. Witchcraft seemed to hold magick, and I began to study it. I quickly felt that it was right for me - I loved the imagery, the forbiddens, and the whole genre. Of course, by the time I was thirteen, I was entering puberty, so attracted by the sexuality of Witchcraft. And of course, Witchcraft uses spells, so the promise of power was attractive too.



It gave me power - but not in the way i expected - but thats another story.



So that is it. Something was always nudging me towards this direction, and by following that path, I have discovered who and what i am.



Many youngsters became goths in order to rebel against their parents - i did it to rebel against myself (or rather to rebel against my fears).

i suddenly felt an unaccountable feeling of loss today. .i feel a little sad, but i dont know why. all i know is something is gone, but i cant put my finger on what it is.



a moment that has passed and will never be known again. what this is i cannot say - just something that hit me today. there was a sudden moment of angst, which swiftly passed to leave behind a puzzled mourning.

in some sites I use the name Janus.



It is not my real name, though i often wish it was.



When I first became aware of the name Janus I just loved the thoughts it conjured in my head. If you really want to know the truth - I was a teenager, and Janus was the name of the Master of a BDSM cartoon in a porn mag i read.



I've never met anyone in real life bestowed with that name, though I am a fan of that brilliant (and beautiful) comedienne Samantha Janus.



Of course, many people will pick up on the fact that it is almost "anus", and maybe that is why I find the name so deeply erotic.



But it turns out there is a yet deeper resonance within me. Janus is the twin faced god of gates and doorways in Roman mythology. That is significant because a) I am a shaman and gateways are my domain, and b) i am a Gemini.



Now I would like to say that I do not place great store in Astrology - I never read my horoscope, and i very rarely categorize a person on account of their starsign (though i do believe that there may be some scientific basis behind the concept that the time of year you are born may have an effect on your persona). However, in my case I cannot deny that I am an archetypal Gemini.



I don't really like admitting that, because I don't like the implications. I prefer to believe in free will, and shun the idea that i may be merely a puppet of fate.



All the same, i am two people. I have two personalities, two minds. I know we all do, but in my case it is extremely pronounced. It is possible that I may have MPD - throughout my life I have been greeted as a friend by total strangers, whilst being accused by known friends of ignoring them when they meet me in places i have no recollection of being at the time.



I have also been asked by my boss if i have finished a project i have no recollection of being asked to do, and then finding that work has been done - though i have no memory of doing it.



I am completely aware of my other persona though, even to the extent that i am able to hold a conversation with him (and sometimes we even argue.)



What i find intriguing is that he can do things i cant, he knows things i don't. I know it sounds silly, but sometimes i am jealous that he is cleverer than i am.



But we compliment each other, and when we are both awake and working together, we can be incredibly productive.



We can hold two contradictory thoughts and ideas in our head at the same time - i (we) are completely at ease with our duality.



We are both me, and neither of us could exist without the other - which is just as well, because i am such a control freak.



Am I schizophrenic? surprisingly no. I have several schizophrenic friends, and i am not like them. I feel for them - they suffer so much, and i can understand them even though i do not suffer as they do. Sometimes i think i am the exact opposite of schizophrenic. i know i am not normal, but my mental disorder is actually helpful to me, and not an illness. There is an internet meme going round that sums it up - "I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy it"

Maybe i should expand on what i put on my profile.



When i was a small child (about 8) I suddenly became very ill. It eventually transpired I had appendicitis, but due to a misdiagnosis complications developed and I came very close to dying. But it began with a really bad belly ache, and was followed by a fever. I remember being in bed and feeling very ill. My mother called the doctor over, and i remember her coming up to my room to check my temperature and tuck me in. As she did so, a man walked into the room and went to the end of my bed. I thought he must be the doctor, because he was dressed a lot like our regular doctor - a long black Inverness coat and a wide brimmed hat - something like a trilby or a fedora. I dont recall his face - I think it was in shadow, buthe seemed rather tall and thin. our regular doctor was shorter and quite chubby.



He then did something strange. He stood at the end of my bed, and lifted it up - tilting it back about thirty or forty degrees, then lowered it down again and left. I was puzzled as to why he did this, so I asked my mother why he did that. She replied that the doctor hadn't arrived yet. I asked her who had come in and lifted my bed up - but she said nobody had been in, and that I must have imagined it because she said I was delirious.



it seemed very real to me, and over forty years on I can still remember it.



More recently I have read of a spectral figure that haunts hospitals and death beds who fits the description of the man I saw - people call him the Hat Man.



Who or what he is, I do not know. All i know is that night he decided it was not time for me to go.