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Got a metric fuck ton of stuff on my mind and I won't be able to sleep unless I get it out. I don't want an argument and I'm fully prepared to take whatever punishment I deserve for spilling my guts. Let the ridicule begin.



Little known fact about me. I never finished high school. I've always been super self conscious about it and it's really embarrassing for me to talk about so I don't do it. I'm going to tonight because it's a large contributing factor as to why I'm so sad tonight.



When I was in my sophomore year of High School I started getting in to a lot of fights for a lot of the wrong reasons. I wasn't the best of people. I didn't necessarily want to cause harm to people I just didn't go out of my way to prevent that from happening. So after a lot of suspensions and a lot of disciplinary actions I kind of left the school no choice but to expel me. So 3 months away from finishing my sophomore year I got kicked out. It was my own fault and I wish I could go back and fix things. I wish I could change that because it's always bothered me in the back of my mind because it was shitty. I should have been more mature. I should have been in better control. I should have handled things differently. A lot of things should have happened that didn't and even more happened that shouldn't have. I was a mess.



So why didn't I go back the next year? Why didn't I take summer school classes to make up for it? Why didn't I go back before now? It's simple. I cared about certain people. My fathers MD got worse that year. He needed more care and more attention to his health than previous. He became wheelchair bound and he needed a lot of assistance and I didn't trust people. I figured I fucked up my high school career so the least I could do was to make sure he had what he needed. I don't regret that. Taking care of my dad was one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. I learned a lot about life through taking care of him. I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot of patients. A lot. 80%of why I'm so understanding and patient now is because of having to force myself not to get frustrated at him for stuff he couldn't control and to take a step back and take a few breaths and calm down. A lot of trial and error later and here I am now.



Fast forward to now. I really want a job. No more of this lawn mowing and odds and ends shit. I want a nine to five. I want income. I want to be able to help my girl out with her finances even though she'd never ask me to. I want to be able to. I want to be able to order a fucking pizza when I want to instead of eating Ramen all the fucking time. All this time through the years I kept putting off going back to school and now it's biting me in the ass. Again, it's my fault. I blame no one but me. I'm the reason I was put into this situation. And I'm the one who has to drag myself out. And that's what I'm trying to do.



Monday I signed up for this job search group my town has. It's kinda like Jenny Craig for the work force. You job hunt with a group mentality. Every Monday the group meets and you talk about what you accomplished and what you can do better. You talk about whose hiring when and where and how you go about getting the applications. It's got a few rules though. You are REQUIRED to do 20 hours a week of active job searching. That means no exceptions. Doesn't sound terrible right? It's simple. 20 hours is less than a part time job. Easy peasy right? Nope. They have a paper you have to fill out. Times are strictly monitored so no one cheats the system because if you want to cheat it they aren't willing to help you get into GED classes. You don't make your 20 hours and you're dropped.



It's harder because I don't have a car. It's all the public bus system or walking for me and a lot of the places I need to apply to are more than 30 plus minutes away. I know what you're saying. Well Justin, that's great! 30 minutes both ways is going to add a lot of time to your weekly hour quota. That's going to rack up fast and you'll meet the required time easy! Nope. Wrong. I can't count the time I walk from my house to the business or from the business to my house. So if it's a 50 minute walk there and a 50 minute walk back I lose almost two hours of time. I can only count from business to business and only for as long as I'm actively filling out the applications. So that means if I'm standing in line to talk to the person about getting an application I'm basically burning that time away five and ten minutes at a time. I know, you're thinking Well Justin just pick the closest place to your house that is hiring, walk there, start your time and walk from business to business and you'll still meet your time pretty easily. Nope. Wrong again. At the end of the week I have to tally my times up. If my Travel Time between business addresses are over 10 hours, I get a warning about it. 2 warnings and I'm out.



It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. And honestly I think that's a large part of why I never went back to school. I knew it would be harder as the time went on. I knew it'd be stressful and since I have anxiety when I get into stressful situations just thinking about a stressful situation gave me a tummy ache and I'd wanna throw up. Who wants to put themselves through that? So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm stressed. More stressed than I have been in a while.



They put my fathers head stone up today. And I think part of me broke inside again. It's final. Like that symbol made it more real to me now than I guess it had been. I know he's gone. I know he isn't coming back but seeing that marker with his life and his death days on it burned a hole in me so deep I almost couldn't breathe. I don't know if it's because I'm exhausted or because I'm so stressed or a combination of both but seeing that stone messed with me. It made every sad feeling I've had since he died fly full force back into my face. I tried to play it off like I was okay. I don't like people seeing me cry. I don't like the people I live with making a big deal about me or treating me different because I'm fragile but today I didn't care.



I cried so hard because I fucking miss him. Not because things were easier when he was around but because he was a larger part of my life than I let myself believe. So much of my every day life depended on him being here for so long I just feel lost now that I don't wake up in the middle of the night to help him to the restroom or get his plate for him when we eat because he can't reach up into the cabinet himself. It's little things that annoyed me before like picking up his towels when he showered and putting them in the wash that I fucking miss now. I miss him so much and it's so hard to think of my life moving forward every day without him. I loved him so much and he annoyed the shit out of me but I would use my last genie wish to see him again for five more minutes just to tell him a thousand times how much I love him and how much I miss him and how much I wish I didn't have to lose him.



I'm a wreck. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how I'm going to fix my life. I don't know how I'm going to set myself back on track but I have to. I have to because I can't live until I do. I guess what I'm saying in the end is this. Be patient with me world. Be patient because I'm lost and I don't know how to do this and I'm learning but I'm learning from Trial and Error. And I guess I'm also saying the old cliche. Stay in fucking school. Don't leave until you have that paper saying you pass. Don't give up. It's not worth it. The years of "easy life" without school isn't worth it. Don't fuck up your lives like I have. Don't make my mistakes. Don't put yourself in my shoes because these shoes leave blisters. Blisters that are slow to heal and even slower to live with.



Sleep. It's either that or I pass out. Just be sure to toss the rotten fruit at my body not my face. I'm prone to nose bleeds.

COMMENTS

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pathodelilah
17:24 Aug 05 2015

I'm not going to try and console you about your father. Sounds like you have had a lot of that already, and it is not something that I am honestly comfortable with doing because I have never been through it. Though, please do except my condolences. As far as your job search goes - that is more of my area.



First off, GED classes/tests are mostly administered at these types of locations. Contact your local unemployment office, library, career center, Family Services Office, county clerk, local community school superintendent's office, local community college. You're going to feel like a fool when everyone tells you no, but more often then not you'll find someone that knows something.



When you find someone that says "Yes! We provide classes or tutoring for adult education.", than you can ask about a waiver for the testing cost because of low income. Or - if you score high enough on the pretest sometimes they will waive it. And you do seem to be a pretty literate person, I am sure you will do fine.



Your next step is to build an impressive resume with that vocabulary of yours. If you would like my help, shoot me a message.



As far as a nine/to/five, you may have to find what you can until you get your GED. There are still plenty of options before then, but nothing with glamorous hours or pay. Do you have a Walmart where you live? Probably does not seem delightful but they have increased their starting wages to above minimum wage. And they pay for GED classes for their employees.



Take everything I've said with a grain of salt, but I hope it helps. Feel better, my dear.

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Hardcore filling out applications on Monday. I mean my goal is like 25 for the week. I think that's a nice round number.

Headache and it is hotter than balls in my room. Like super hot. Probably not as hot as I'm making it seem but yeah hotter than balls. Today would have sucked if I didn't have my girlfriend. My brother is currently seeing the most obnoxious and annoying girl on the entire planet. Like for real. She is legit annoying. She pokes him in the neck to mess him up when we are trying to play split screen zombies on Call of Duty World at War and on Black Ops II. She borrows his DS and fucks his Animal Crossing house up and sells half his furniture so she can pay for TShirt designs. She talks extreamly loud non stop. Like literally non stop. She talked for two hours about going to the soda machine down the street from my house. Like a 10 minute walk total. What the actual fuck could have happened in 10 minutes that takes two HOURS to talk about. She is the devil. I must be in hell for some outlandishly maniacal crime I committed in a previous life. I don't know what I've done but I was probably Jack The Ripper or something to deserve that kind of punishment.



The only saving grace is my girlfriend making me laugh about bananas and Family Guy references. She is the best. Everytime I'm bummed out she always finds something to make me lolz. I'm incredibly lucky to have her. She's my hero. :)



Speaking of Heros. Is anyone else going to check out the new Heros reboot? I missed the original series but caught it on Netflix and loved it. Apparently a few of the original cast are making returns. Mohinder and Noah among others. My girlfriend showed me the trailer (another reason I love her. She doesn't care for the show but shares info with me because I like it) and it looked pretty cool. Introducing new enhanced humans should add new life to it and I'm interested to see where the series goes.



Anyway I should probably try and get some sleep. Got and eye appointment tomorrow. Gonna get myself some new glasses. I haven't went in ages so I'm 100% certain I'll end up with new ones. Hopefully I don't end up picking fugly frames. I can't afford to look anymore derpy than I already do.

No sleep so far. It eludes me once more. 4:31 AM and I'm not even slowing down. Sometimes I wonder why my brain doesn't shut down for sleep like the rest of the worlds. I never seem to sleep well for very long and I always end up coming back to this boat ride along the river of insomnia. It's kinda lame.



On the plus side I finished Kingdom Hearts 2 today for what seems like the 30th time. I mean that's probably exaggerating but whose keeping track? I've got some stuff left to knock out. Jiminy's Journal for one. The optional bosses and then it's maxing out Soras level (currently level 77 or so) After that is Gummi ships and synthesis Items along with the last few optional bosses (Here's looking at you Lingering Will) and then it's on to Critical Mode which will pound me into submission several times before I get the hang of it and pwn everyone? Yeah probably just gonna end up scraping by like I did on Kingdom Hearts 1 Final Mix with my Proud/Unchanging Armor/Undying run. That was totally not fun toward the end. Oh well. I love Kingdom Hearts. I have loved that game since I first popped it into my ps2 all those years ago. It's an amazing game and I highly recommend it to anyone looking for an awesome and memorable journey.



After KH2 I'll probably do either Birth By Sleep or Dead Space 3. I've been two trophies away from the platinum on Dead Space 3 for ages and it's time to clean it up unless I end up getting side tracked which I can neither confirm nor deny has happened many many times. I will probably end up doing BBS tbh.



Ranting. Blabbing. Yep. That's me today. Oh the horror. Please someone slip him something to knock him out. I get it. I'm done rambling. Off to fight some Nobodies.

I seriously doubt I will sleep tonight/day. It's 5:57AM where I am and I'm wide awake. I keep thinking about my father. I mean I always think about him every single day but tonight its like a blanket enveloping my thoughts, wrapping itself around my mind, and it's almost like I can't escape it. I don't want to stop thinking about him for good because I miss him. I just want to sleep so I'm not grumpy with my girl or these people I'm stuck living with at the moment because to be honest I don't have the energy to argue with anyone. My girl doesn't deserve it and these people aren't worth the effort. *sighs* I'm tired. Super tired but I'll probably end up either playing Final Fantasy IX on my psp or going back downstairs and playing Kingdom Hearts 2.5. Oh the struggle. Props if you get the reference.