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Even putting entries into this Journal takes effort for me. I find that the greatest enemy in my life at the moment is myself, I try to change, I try not to do things that piss off my family and friends, But....................Aw fuck saying but, but this but that. In the end I just can't realise it myself that all my problems are down to me. My lack of money and a job, pissing of my parents and friends. Its all me, I can't even apply myself to anything, be it learning, working or otherwise.



Don't get me wrong, once I have a job or a commitment that matters to me I will stick with it. Its like I'm a chemical reaction. You need a certain amount of energy to actually start the reaction off. Sadly I haven't found this energy. It could be alot of things that make it this way. My rock-bottom self-esteem, Lack of relationships (huge lack by the way), Other peoples ideas shoved at me, I just wish I could just think postively and be able to do things again like I use to. And I can't just force myself to think that way because I'd be lying to myself.



I don't know, I just really don't know.