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About a week ago, we bought halloween-wrapped bags of pretzels and mini chocolate bars to give out to the trick-or-treaters. Stabb has a serious chocolate addiction, and while I'm not accusin' or nuthin...I noticed yesterday that all the pretzel bags seem to have risen to the top of the bowl and there's a fist sized hole leading to a vertical hollow tunnel through the pretzel stratus and all the way to the bottom...as though some sort of mysterious night drilling has been taking place in our bowl. Curiouser and curiouser.

Puns For the Educated Mind.



These were sent to me in an email and I liked them so much, I thought I'd share. My lovely hubby is the king of puns, making my daughter and me groan daily. We need to keep these out of his hands lest he use them for evil.



1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .



3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.



10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head'



13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'



15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



17. A backward poet writes inverse.



18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.



19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .



21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'



22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'



23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'



25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.



26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

COMMENTS

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Morrigon
19:51 Oct 28 2010

*giggle*

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Nightgame
22:34 Oct 28 2010

I hate to admit but #13 really happened to me. lol

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BLOODLIFE
09:44 Oct 31 2010

lol :-))

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birra
13:25 Oct 31 2010

If you now consider yourself an expert on bad puns, would that make you a pundit?

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Joli
13:37 Oct 31 2010

Ok, you're on notice, Birra.

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What is the scariest movie ever made?

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birra
22:46 Oct 26 2010

The Room.

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Morrigon
22:53 Oct 26 2010

Uhh.. Yeah. I thought I was going to die.

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Joli
22:59 Oct 26 2010

Never heard of it. Loading trailer.

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imagesinwords
23:06 Oct 26 2010

For me it was 'The Omen'.

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Joli
23:20 Oct 26 2010

I should have been more clear. *eyes Morri and Birra* That definitely looks like a movie I'd be afraid to watch, but not what I was looking for. How bad was it?



Images, I'd go with Exorcist over the Omen, don't you think? That movie can still make me pee my pants.

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imagesinwords
00:14 Oct 27 2010

The Exorcist is pretty wild, but The Omen was the devil himself- scarier for me. Both classics- and now I want to watch and be freaked out by The Omen once again.

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Requiem
02:14 Oct 27 2010

Forbidden Zone.



I seriously had to protect the VCR with a sword when I inflicted it upon a bunch of drunken pirates.





Ron helped.

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ThothLestat
14:10 Oct 27 2010

The Exorcist, I think.

The book is 10 times scarier. I tried to read it when I was 16 and I didn't sleep for 3 weeks.

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It was great. Not as scary as last year, but still pretty good. The best part is hanging out with Erin. When my sister and I are together, we laugh so much that it doesn't seem survivable.



Highlights of the night:



When we stopped for beignets and the lid came off the powdered sugar and made a huge pile on the table while we were doing Fr. Guido Sarducci impressions.



Our waiter who was the poster boy for social awkwardness. I have never heard anything less confidently spoken than when the words, "have a good one" came out of his mouth. We think he should have just spoken in his native Klingon tongue. A simple "Kaplah" would have been sufficient.



Singing Vanilla Ice while driving on the Causeway.



Teasing STABB on the way out. We want to dress him like Dr. Frank N. Furter, so we sang Rocky tunes to him as we left. One day...one day...

COMMENTS

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BLOODLIFE
13:01 Oct 17 2010

You'd have more fun dressing him as Janet ... dammit!

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Going to the Mortuary. Prepared to pee my pants!

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Morrigon
03:07 Oct 14 2010

GOD NO!



The suspense... The suspense is horrible. I'm freaking out just thinking about it. GAH

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Requiem
00:21 Oct 15 2010

Wear diapers?

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Sometimes my connections are slow coming. Last year I did the novel, "Brave New World." It's about the flaws of a utopian society. My fourteen year old daughter was intrigued and decided to read it.



We talked a little about it and then about Fordlandia (remember that from a recent journal gem?



Anyway, I'm sleeping last night and one of the characters from Brave New World comes to mind, Lenina Crowne. I woke and the name was bugging me a little all day. While driving, it hits me...Lenina Huxley! Remember her from the movie, "Demolition Man?" (God, I love that dumb old movie!)



Then I go, DUH! Lenina HUXLEY?! The author of Brave New World is Alduous Huxley! They made an allusion to the book in their own version of Utopia. But then my brain went...."Woah! LENINA? That's the feminine of Lenin."



So, you scholarly creators of coolness...I got there. It took me a while, but I got there in the end!

COMMENTS

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captainglobehead
23:31 Oct 12 2010

Very impressive, making those connections on your own.

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Joli
23:34 Oct 12 2010

Did you miss the part where it took me a YEAR?

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birra
04:49 Oct 13 2010

Hey, it takes most people a year to figure out how to program the time on a VCR, or their car radio. They just look at the flashing 12:00 until they decide to just read the manual...

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Joli
06:52 Oct 13 2010

Oh, I did that right away. I'm terribly clever with things like that. I used the manual to cover the blinking 12:00. :)

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Sitting in New Orleans near the river, waiting for my pumpkin to get done with her performing arts school. The drive across the 24 mile long Causeway was particularly hairy because of all the huge butterflies. I so don't want to hit them.



I'm yelling as they keep getting in front of my windshield, "Oh 6od, it's like a video game! They're everywhere!"



The sound they make when they hit the car is impossibly loud. It causes me to gag until tears are sliding down my cheeks.



Meanwhile, my kid is laughing uncontrollably and choking out statements like, "Lookout, mom! Suicide butterfly! ...Very helpful.



But my precious Morri has sent me a Persian love song to listen to while the river breezes play with my hair. And for a little while, I can forget the battlefield I have to drive back through.



I love you, Morri.

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Angelus
14:27 Oct 06 2010

**smirks**



suicide butterfly!!!

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By the way...just for the record...



I KICKED THIS DAY'S BUTT!!

COMMENTS

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BLOODLIFE
08:31 Oct 05 2010

Some friend you are, you could've at least kicked my day's too!

Glad you had a good one.

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ThothLestat
01:12 Oct 06 2010

that's not the way HE tells it.



The Day was all, like, "nuh uh, man. She wishes!"

But I could tell he had been crying.

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Joli
03:44 Oct 06 2010

awwww

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Me: So, do you think that a man could get an erection if his balls were cut off



Him: I refuse to participate in this discussion at this time.



(bit of a quiet pause)



Me: They're poorly designed, though. You have to agree.



Him: What?



Me: Balls.



Him: I don't think so.



Me: Come on. They're external and an obvious source of great vulnerability.



Him: They're perfect where they are.



Me: It's just a matter of plumbing, really. It could be done so much more efficiently.



Him: What about cooling?



Me: hmmm...



(Bit of a quiet pause)



Me: I've got it!



Him: What?



Me: Well...you know how you're always inventing things?



Him: yeah



Me: Well, you could invent a breathable kind of armor for the balls!



Him: It's called the cup.



Me: Oh.



*push on his tummy*



Him: I don't have to pee...I have to fart, though.



Me: *leaping out of bed and dashing for the bathroom* OK, I'm up!



Him: So, there ARE limits to your love.



Me: There are no limits to my love. There are limits to the proximity of my love.

COMMENTS

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TheArtistRose
21:58 Oct 03 2010

hahahaha, conversations are the best entries. :)

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BLOODLIFE
22:15 Oct 03 2010

A true romantic... x

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ThePinja
00:09 Oct 04 2010

Baahahahahahahaha. Women must travel through gas clouds if the wish to injure our jewels lol.



Wow.

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Joli
00:20 Oct 04 2010

I have no interest in injuring the "jewels."

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Nightgame
02:44 Oct 04 2010

This makes me think of the old movie A touch of mink with Doris Day and Cary Grant it leaves that type grin behind. :)

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BubbleGumClaudia
03:26 Oct 04 2010

LMAO!! I can imagine Stabb saying that he has to "fart"





HA HA HA!

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birra
22:12 Oct 04 2010

I'm glad I'm not the only guy who is asked questions like, "So, do you think that a man could get an erection if his balls were cut off," randomly throughout the day...

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