I don't deserve it
18:29 Jun 28 2011
Times Read: 687
I'm not that interesting. Now, if that bugs you, stay tuned. I include you in the mix...you're not that interesting, either. Don't worry, this isn't a plea for attention, nor is it a whiney self-slam. It's about a world view, one certainly not unique to me, but one that rings most true for me.
On a cosmic scale, I would flatter myself by suggesting that I am a blip on the great radar. I doubt my ripple would even register. That's simply true, nothing to bemoan or celebrate. Truth is a great thing for perspective.
In the view to which I subscribe, words like "deserve" are removed. You are unlikely ever to hear me utter, "I deserve," (unless I am receiving well-justified mockery for the hijinx I sow in the world, especially from you crazy journal-readers. I definitely deserve that!)
Some people become uncomfortable with this view. They mistakenly feel that such a belief reflects a sense of self-haterd or worthlessness. That couldn't be farther from the mark. When you believe you haven't somehow EARNED the lovely things and people in your life, you are free to recognize them as the gifts they are.
Gifts are not received goods that you deserve. They are bundles of good will, given freely to you. They originate outside of yourself, and are precious and sometimes fragile. You feel blessed to have them in your life. Because I did not earn such a gift, I feel gratitude. Please don't miss that. This view is not about saying "I'm not good enough" (though I'm not), it is about having a grateful heart, a grateful outlook. My life itself, the fact that I can breathe for another day is a precious gift. I did not earn it. I do not deserve it. I do treasure it and appreciate it every single day.
I also have bad experiences, storms, and downright crappy times that come along, just like you. They challenge this view. They challenge me. Am I grateful for them, too? Do I deserve the bad stuff? Yes. No. I'm no saint. If you've ever heard my dirty mouth, you already know this. I HATE the bad stuff, especially betrayal. People you love have the capacity to bruise your soul, but every bad experience I have ever waded through has grown me in some fundamental way toward the woman I aspire to be.
I've rarely had to wade through the rocky waters alone. Someone has always cared enough to encourage me. For that, too, gratitude. If you get into the game of what you deserve when the good stuff rolls in, be prepared to also ask yourself, "What did I do to deserve this" when illness, death, tragedy, and every poverty known to man creeps along and finds you. Adversity is guaranteed in this world, which is a flawed one. How will we react to it when it's time to struggle? I can only speak for myself, one small person who feels even smaller when measured against the scary stuff in life.
I find the pockets of joy within the storms. When I was at my lowest, people still spoke kind words to me. I could still write. The sun shone on me all the same and the wind felt just as cool on my face. I took it a footstep at a time, no matter how awful. I rested when I needed to, and when the lovely things intersected my day and my way, I found the small gratitudes in each one of them, knowing they were gifts and that I am loved beyong all deserving, In happy times and in not-so-happy times.
16:06 Jun 20 2011
Times Read: 709
We've had to have a few transfusions because of bleeding, but we've done this before and the staff at the hospital is great. He's gotten 5 units of blood over the last 2 days. His attitude has been really good - best I've ever seen him. Usually he's a pretty terrible patient. I think he's growing up. He's focused on getting well, and that's a great thing.
The doctor is hoping to skip past the wheelchair phase completely and give him crutches with "toe touch." I am praying for this. Wheelchair progression is usually walker and then crutches. It frustrates him. He's a strong young man and if he can go directly to crutches and build up to weight-bearing, his mobility will be better and I think he'll feel better, closer to getting well.
What I'm worried about is the integrity of the bone. During the accident, his bone, as the doctor explains it, "exploded" at the upper region of the femur. Whn they put the rod in, bone did regrow, but it never filled in the hole where the impact took place, so if you can imagine it, there's a very large hole in the center of the bone at the top. I asked him if it will be strong enough to support my son. His answer, "We've looked at it and we think so."
The word, "amputation" has been thrown out there a lot. This is basically the last surgery before we have to seriously visit that scary topic. The primary outcome we want with this surgery is to be infection-free. Ashton has not been infection-free since the accident 4 years ago. With the rod gone, they believe the infection won't have a place to harbor. As wonderful as surgical hardware is, it comes with its own scary risks.
The second goal will be that the bone will support his weight without the rod. He had hoped that they were going to lengthen the ligaments on his knee so that he'd have more range of motion, but the doctor was adament about not doing that because it can weaken muscle and make the leg "loose" and take away from his ability to extend it as he walks.
It's been such a long road for Ashton. He wants to go back to school. He's ready not to have a wound vac attached to him all the time. He's young and has had to put dreams aside while he tries to get well. We're hoping that he is all finished now and can go to school in the fall. He wants to study radiology. I want him to have that chance and to feel like he's moving forward again.
21:54 Jun 16 2011
Times Read: 770
In the hospital waiting area. My son had another surgery. Praying that this one will make the difference. It has been a long run. I want him to finally heal and get back to the many plans he has for his life.
He had to put his doggy up for adoption because he can't care for him right now. Stabb and I dog-sat for a while, hoping he could find a home. When he woke in Recovery, he said, "Tyga's gone." Made me cry a little. But our energy will be on healing and NO INFECTIONS!
We're just waiting for a room now. It will have to be private, so it may take a while. I brought my computer here to do some work, thinking it would keep my mind occupied, but I don't think I accomplished much and I have an early morning meeting tomorrow. Sometimes time and responsibility weigh hard when you can't resolve them to be where you want to be.
22:57 Jun 11 2011
Times Read: 791
I wonder sometimes if she even has a clue how special she is. Her eye, her mind, her creativity. I find myself reflecting on things she says or images she shares. I'll be brushing my teeth in the morning and grin at some clever turn-of-phrase. I think to the mirror, "she'd love knowing she caused this foamy smile."
The other day she described the experience of a new beverage she was trying for the first time. I don't remember its name, only that the proof number was above 100 and that I'll likely never try it. But I feel as though I have because she said, "Oh my god, drinking her is like breathing in the sun."
That's just... I love you, girl. So often, you just make my day.
17:15 Jun 08 2011
Times Read: 808
Today, I am writing a love letter. I'm sad to say that I can't remember the last one I wrote, maybe a card when we were still separated by an ocean.
I've never been so loved and cared for. Last night I worked late and didn't get home until after 8. He had all the ingredients for my dinner on the counter and cooked for me while I sat down.
People say so often, "it's the little things." They are so right. Things like having my cell phone and keys set next to my purse because he knows I tend to mislay them. He doesn't tease about it...he just does it so that when I wake, they are ready for me.
The best, though, is the earnest desire to spend time with me.
So now I'm all secret-squirrel...putting pen to paper to express to him how special he is and how blessed I am to have him in my life. I don't want him to ever think that I don't know how lucky I am.
20:47 Jun 03 2011
Times Read: 842
This past weekend, Stabb and I flew out to Washington, D.C. for my daughter's graduation. It was so great to hang out with her again. It's been a long year without her. We all went to The Smithsonian Air and Space museum. Then Stabb and I went to theNatural History museum while they went to the spy museum.
We drove over to West Virginia and went to visit Harper's Ferry. Points to me...I remembered the historical relevance. Yay me! We walked around and bought a few things in the shops. It was fun having her show me around.
We drove to her friend's house which was built in the 1800's. I was jonesing for my good camera. I saw an old slave quarter building that VW would have drooled over.
We walked in the heat to visit all the expected monuments, and I spent a few minutes remembering my grandfather and his service in WWII while we were at that monument. It was emotional because I still miss him so much.
On a drive through WV, we had to stop on a country road so that Allie and Stabb could move a huge snapping turtle to a ditch on the side of the road. It was neither pleased nor impressed by their efforts to save him. They threw a towel over his head and fast silly-walked him to safety while he tried to spin around and eat them.
I'm a lucky and rich person. I have a family who loves me. I am grateful, so grateful. Stabb was wonderful to travel with. We share interests and really just love one another's company. Allie and Caitlin are the best daughters a mom could hope for, each independent, intelligent, and lovely. They make me laugh and they make me cry. I will spend a lifetime saying thank you for all of the blessings I have been given and trying to be worthy of even one of them.
COMMENTS
-
Sulks
19:17 Jun 28 2011
The pockets of joy for me are the beautiful words I find in people's journals.
BLOODLIFE
20:11 Jun 28 2011
When I use to breach this subject (as I went through a stage where when I added it all up I discovered we are all truly insignificant). I was told this….
…” we are all part of the cycle that makes it worthwhile in a significant universe. We are all a piece of the jigsaw and whether it’s merited or earned we still all belong”.