The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A really great parking spot can move you to tears.



You can recommend about 3 good body piercing parlours.



You make well over $100,000 and you still can't find a nice place to live.



You realize there are far more rainbow flags in the city than Canadian Flags.



When the temperature rises above zero degrees, you yell "Woohooo! Patio weather!"



You enjoy watching channel 47 multicultural TV



You're guaranteed to know at least one person on every episode of Speaker's Corner.



You haven't been to the CN Tower since you were six, but still have nightmares about that damn turbo elevator.



You've had at least 3 bicycles stolen in the past 10 years.



You've partied with at least one of the members of The Kids in the Hall



You've fantasized about having sex in Casa Loma



At least 3 of your friends have moved to Vancouver



You turn your nose up at any establishment frequented by the S&M crowd. (Scarborough and Mississauga)



You never, never, never swim in the lake



You know "The Beaches" are really called "The Beach", but still say "The Beaches" just to annoy all the nitwits who live there



You ever had a birthday party at the Organ Grinder or The Mad Hatter



You can say "world's tallest freestanding structure" ten times fast



You know the correct answer to "Where do shopping carts go to die?" is "The Don River"



You speak better Chinese than French



The word "cabbagetown" doesn't strike you as particularily amusing



Castle Frank subway station remains one of the great mysteries of the universe for you.



You know what the bathrooms in the First Canadian Place are REALLY for



You don't know where Fort York is, but have a vague recollection of being there in a past life



You know the Demic's song "I Wanna Go To New York City" was intended as sarcasm, not a weekend getaway suggestion



You know where to find Dim Sum, Sushi, Curry, Pad Thai and a dildo at 3 am on a weeknight



For the last time, it's pronounced 'TRONNA'!



You consider eye contact a sign of hostility and an invasion of your privacy.



It takes you half an hour to get to work by TTC and you are the envy of all your friends.



You mourned the death of the Spadina Bus.



You know someone who went to high school with at least one member of The Barenaked Ladies or RUSH



You laugh heartily at people who refer to highway four hundred and one.



You've taken the vomit comit.



You can manuver your bike across Queen st. without getting caught in the streetcar tracks.



You know the difference between souvlaki, moussaka and spanakoptia.



You can name at least three locations of The Beer Store that are open till 11 PM.



You have NEVER been to the Hard Rock Cafe



You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Toronto.

DEMOCRATISM



You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.







REPUBLICANISM



You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?







SOCIALIST



You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.







COMMUNIST



You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.







CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE



You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.







BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE



You have two cows.

Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the

other, and then pours the milk down the drain.







AMERICAN CORPORATION



You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised

when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating

you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.







FRENCH CORPORATION



You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.







JAPANESE CORPORATION



You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and

produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.









GERMAN CORPORATION



You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent

quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.







ITALIAN CORPORATION



You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.







RUSSIAN CORPORATION



You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.









TALIBAN CORPORATION



You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to

milk production but use the money to buy weapons.









IRAQI CORPORATION



You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.







POLISH CORPORATION



You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.







BELGIAN CORPORATION



You have one cow.

The cow has multiple personality disorder.

Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.

The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.

The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.

The cow asks permission to be cut in half.

The cow dies happy.







FLORIDA CORPORATION



You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote

for the black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is

the best-looking cow.







CALIFORNIA CORPORATION



You have millions of cows.

They make real California cheese.

Only five speak English.

Most are illegals.

Arnold likes the ones with the big udders





LOWE'S CORPORATION



You have lots of cows.

You sit around waiting for people to buy them.

You don't help your customers.

Cusomters disappointed.

You don't sell many cows.

Customers go to the competitors to buy cows.



HOME DEPOT CORPORATION



You have lots of cows.

Associates push sell the cows.

Many cows get sold to former Lowe's Customers.

Some cows get returned the next day, don't give milk.

Company takes them back if they're less then 90 days old.

after that you only get instore milk.

Customers don't like return policy, they go to competitors.