Happy day to us all!08:14 Jan 10 2009
Times Read: 875
Hello to you.
Sorry for the absence in the past two weeks. I was having anxiety issues BIG time and couldn't get here. It is getting better but it takes time. It's mainly because of missing my Mom so much and separation anxiety, which I have always had. I could hardly get out of bed.
It started Christmas eve on the WAY to my parent's house and while there and then went in overdrive when I got home, as in the next day. Oh it was bad. I was having waves and waves of panic attacks and I could see no end. It's during those times that a person wants to just go to sleep and not wake up. Or just drift away...or put away with heavy sedation.
I would wake up, weak and weird feeling, heart and mind racing and then the waves of anxiety would start. I would take several pieces of Xanax pills to try to stay low on dosage, not taking a whole pill, but that wasn't enough. So I would take more and wait, curled up in bed, mind spinning. The meds would finally start to kick in a bit and I would lay my head against the headboard, and play my new Playstation DS Lite Hamsterz Life 2 game. I would lay in bed for a few hours and then felt able to get up for the "day". Our day is the night actually.
I THINK that part of my problem was that I was taking too low a dosage of Lexapro. See, I had been having anxiety again since stopping it in September. I just couldn't shake it and had to do something. I tried herbal stuff and it just didn't last and didn't hit the anxiety hard enough. I just wasn't born with enough serotonin. So in the beginning of December I started the damn Lexapro again. You may recall me writing before that I stopped in September and was dealing with withdrawls a bit. Mostly anxiety. I was taking Omega 3s and B-Complex, etc. so that helped the other symptoms.
So I started Lexapro again around December 12th. I started out slow and low dosage again. And I THINK that I stayed at that low dosage too long without going up fast enough. I have read that SSRIs are best for anxiety at the lowest levels and depression for higher levels. Well, I was taking 5 mgs. before I stopped.
I started back at around 1.5 mgs. and then up more and to 2.5 mgs a day. I am a cautious gal. And you may already know that when you first take an SSRI your symptoms will get a bit worse before you get better. I don't know why.
Well it got worse alright. Much, much worse. And while visiting my Mom's house, during Christmas! Jeeez! It's way hard to be there anyway now. For Danny and Harmony too.
The anxiety has lightened up a bit on me. I guess quite a bit better than it was. But I am still dealing with unease and I swear that med makes me more hungry and drops my blood sugar! I had lost the 12 pounds I had gained from it before and now I am scared of gaining it back. I mean, hell, I am so hungry all the time and I already have blood sugar issues.
*sigh*
I had been determined to stay off of it. And for 3 months I did. I thought I needed to go through what I needed to, to get used to Mom being gone. I thought I was getting used to it a bit. I sometimes think I am still in shock that she is gone though. I still wonder how she could be here one evening and the next morning, gone.
I was disappointed in myself for going back on the SSRI. But I thought, "Well life is hard enough. Why add more shit to it, if I could have something to ease my suffering if only just a little?". And with the prodding of my Dr. and knowing I needed SOMETHING, I accepted the med again. I had read somewhere that once you get off an SSRI, it doesn't work the same or as well if you go back on it. That worried me a bit. But I just have to wait and see. It has helped some so far. Will just see....
So I have "risen" again. I hear in my head, one of Mom's favorite songs, "I get knocked down, but I get up again, and nothing's going to keep me down..." ♪
Hope you have a great year! I hope we all do. =)
COMMENTS
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sahahria
03:40 Jan 31 2009
AHahahaha now that is "skat" humour... ewww poor guys... I hope you have extra beer in the house for them after that!!!
Stikki
15:49 Jan 31 2009
That almost makes me want to post MY reactions to that clip :P
My nephew conned me into doing it. The little assmonkey :P