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Because after a few weeks of being cheerful, happy, optimistic, looking at my life changing for the better, being glad for the people who make my life better...



...I suddenly find myself realising that happiness is just the illusion we use to try and mask our misery.



And the realisation that one will never truly know whether their life has been good, or has changed for the better, until that moment when they're on their death beds, and they take that last instant to reflect on their lives, the path that has led them up to this moment, and decide whether or not they are satisfied with the journey...



Oh, how I wish I could experience that moment right now. I already know what my opinion of how my life has played out will be, so I might as well just get this bullshit over and done with, end the misery.



But I just don't have the fucking guts to...

New schedule at work: four nine hour days in a row in exchange for three off days in a row.



Health is improving.



Mood is improving.



Have a new lady friend to talk to.



Mood is improving. Oh, I already said that...



Yeah, there's a lot changing for the better.

Every day, I have a showdown with the block of knives in my kitchen. They call to me, entice me, taunt me.



And every day, I tell them no.



It's imperative that I find a new purpose in life, because the old one just doesn't cut it anymore (no pun intended).



Right now, all I wake up for is my work. If I didn't have my job, I wouldn't have any reason to wake up anymore.



What I need now is some semblance of order in my life, a bit of self-imposed structure.



And I need someONE worth waking up for.



I need a good reason to open my eyes again, to know that someone cares enough to think about me, to hold me when I'm sad, to worry when I'm sick, and to just thank me for being me.



Because as appealing as it seems right now, as well as any other day, I really don't want to close my eyes forever...

Spent new year's eve in Saint Louis, attending First Night on Grand.



I enjoyed myself, even though I was there working: my Petco store teamed up with Radio Disney St. Louis to help provide gifts, games, and entertainment for the crowd.



It was very energising, being there among the happy crowds. Best part: no one was drinking, so I didn't soak up intoxicated energy.



Amusing, being able to stroll down the middle of the busiest part of Grand, from Powell Symphony Hall to Olive Boulevard and back, IN the street, with no cars. (Usually when I'm there, I'm in a car, fighting my way through insane traffic)



But I was definitely sickened by one thing: the lecture I got from a bible thumper about how I'm not saved.



Really? I'm not saved?



I'm an adulterer because I look on a woman with desire and lust. So tell me: how much lust and desire was in YOUR heart when you met your lovely wife? Better yet: how many of your childrens birth certificates bear the mark of "bastard"? (sins of the father, my friend)



I've stolen things in my past. So tell me: how does that make me worse than your "founding fathers", who stole this land from the Red Man to build this oh-so-great nation of yours?



And while I've never taken a human life, how is it I'm still as evil--if not worse--than your religious forefathers, who would torture and execute those who refused to adopt the beliefs and customs of your (most recently established) religion? Better yet, how does that put me on par with the "brave heroes" who slaughtered the inhabitants of this land in order to build your wonderful "one nation under god"?



So I'm not willing to hand over my hard earned nickels and dimes to every boozing beggar I see. How does that make me any more greedy than the political charlatans who rule this great country of yours? Or the well dressed, dripping in diamonds and gold, self appointed leaders of whatever religious faction you belong to?



I'm sorry, but your argument is invalid. I'm not denying your god. But I've spent the last 30+ years worshipping him, and the fact that while everything I've ever asked for, whether it be health, mental or emotional well being, or a little help with love or finances, it's always turned for the worse: every time I accommodate and/or circumvent one health problem, a new problem or injury occurs; I fix one thing in my house, even replace a simple light switch, and something else in the house blows up; I get caught up and stabilised financially, and my car drops its tension pully on the way to the bank to cash my yearly bonus check.



And don't even get me started on all the psychopaths and sociopaths that have invaded my love life...



I'm sorry, but I'm through living my life in the hope and fear that god is watching what I do. I'm not a tribulation kind of guy: I'm not sticking around in a relationship where so and so wants to throw all kinds of hell at me, and see if I still worship after that.



So I will continue to live my life my way: do the best I can, help my people however I can, and not live for someone I've never met, or seen proof of.







The funniest part is: while I was being lectured, my headphones were bumping out Nine Inch Nails' "Closer"...